by Cox, Carol
“That last day, Johnny had gone out to help Pa bring in the cows. It was cold that day, and Ma was fixing a stew. She sent me out to the root cellar to dig out some potatoes.
“It wasn’t really a cellar, more like a pit we’d dug out of the side of the hill near our house. We kept it covered with brush so it didn’t stand out. Pa always told us if any trouble came, we were to go straight to the root cellar and stay there.” Her voice caught. “It was our safe place. Except I was the only one who stayed safe.”
She closed her eyes but couldn’t shut out the scenes of what happened next. “They showed up without any warning: six Apaches. We knew there had been depredations to the south of us, but we hadn’t been bothered. Pa said he didn’t expect any trouble, but it came anyway.” She wadded the fabric of her skirt in one hand and brushed the tears from her cheeks with the other.
“I was pulling potatoes out of the straw when I heard shouting outside. I peeked past the brush and saw Pa standing near the barn, facing north. Johnny was behind him, flattened up against the side of the barn like a scared rabbit. They yelled something at Pa, then arrows started flying and he went down. I couldn’t think, couldn’t move. Then two of them got down and ran over to the house. The next thing I knew, Ma was screaming. She kept begging them to let her go, to take whatever they wanted and leave us alone. Then the screams got louder. Then they just. . .stopped.” She lifted one hand and let it drop helplessly in her lap.
“All I could see of Pa were his legs stretched out past the corner of the barn. He wasn’t moving.” She drew a shuddering sigh. “And then I saw Johnny take off like a cottontail, heading for the cabin. He got out of my line of vision, but I saw one of the Indians take off after him. A moment later, I heard Johnny cry out, and I knew he hadn’t made it.”
Red wiped a knuckle across his eyes and cleared his throat. “What happened next, Lass?”
“I wanted to run out there and help them, but I couldn’t make myself move. I watched the Indians drive the cows and horses off and set fire to our house and the barn. And then they rode away. The next thing I remember, neighbors who’d seen the smoke came riding up and were calling my name.”
Red reached across the table and tightened his fingers around hers. “I’m sorry. So sorry. You went through a horrible time.” He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.
She crumpled the soft cloth in her fist. “There’s more.” Now that she’d started, she found she wanted to unburden herself of the whole sordid story. “My father appointed a guardian for Johnny and me in case anything happened to him and our mother. I’d lost everyone I loved that day, but at least I knew I’d have a roof over my head.” She dabbed at her nose with Red’s handkerchief. “What I didn’t know—and what Pa didn’t, either—was the kind of man Martin Lester really was. He seemed happy enough to take me in. I had no idea he had other than kindly motives until he. . .started making advances.”
“The blackguard!” Red’s face grew dark. “Did anyone come to your aid?”
Jenny shook her head. “He had a farm a ways from ours. There weren’t any near neighbors, nobody I could run to. And I didn’t have the courage to take off across country on my own. Not after what happened to my family.” Her voice quavered again and she cleared her throat before she went on.
“He kept me around for two months—giving me time to get adjusted to the idea, as he put it. Then he got tired of me fighting him off, and he. . .”
“What is it, Lass?” Red urged. “What did he do?”
“He bartered me,” Jenny said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Traded me to a saloon keeper for a load of whiskey. He traded me, Red! Just like a horse or a piece of property.” The emotional dam she had guarded for so long burst at last. Jenny lowered her head to the table and wept, violent sobs tearing at her throat.
She’d done it now. Opened the floodgate that would let the nightmare deluge her nights with terror once again. All the same, she felt a sense of relief. Red hadn’t shied away or drawn back in disgust.
She heard his chair scrape across the floor, then felt him kneel beside her, stroking her hair with his calloused hands. “But it’s all over now, my girl. You’ve gone through a terrible time, but it’s behind you.”
He continued stroking her head until the storm subsided. “Somehow, God delivered you from the clutches of evil men and—”
Jenny raised her head enough to prop it on her folded arms. “Not God. A man named Michael.”
“Like the archangel himself!” Red’s face shone with a radiant light.
“No, but he’s the only man who ever cared for me as a person since my pa died.” She pressed her fingertips against her swollen eyelids, then looked straight at Red. “And except for you and my pa, he’s the only man I’ve ever trusted.”
“Ah, I’m beginning to understand.” Red sat back on one heel and regarded her with eyes that mirrored her own pain. “You’ve suffered, and so you’ve closed the door of your heart to anyone, for fear some miscreant will take advantage of you again.”
Jenny sniffed. “I guess that about sums it up. Now you know why I can’t trust anyone. Ever.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Lass.” Red’s eyes regained their sparkle. “What you need more than anything is to trust again, and trust the only One who’s worthy of your confidence.”
“But I do trust you, Red. I just told you so.”
“Not me, Lass. I’m honored to know you feel that way, and I’ll do my best to live up to your faith in me. But try as I might, there’s always a chance I may let you down. I’m only human after all.”
“Then who—”
“God, Jenny. He’s the only one you can count on never to leave you, never to let you down.”
“Not again, Red. I can’t take any more of that right now.” She stood and crossed the room to distance herself from Red’s quizzical look. “Don’t you see? Some people are good enough for God, some aren’t. I don’t know how He decides, but it’s obvious I’m not one He’s chosen to love.”
Red stared at her, then drew himself up. “If you’re thinking I was born some kind of saint, you’re wrong as wrong can be. Maybe next time I’ll tell you some different stories of my younger days.” The corner of his mouth quirked up in a half smile. “Then again, maybe I won’t.”
He pushed himself to his feet, moving with the stiffness of his years. “I won’t keep trying to convince you. I’m not the one who can make you believe God loves you. Only the Lord Himself can do that.” He settled his new hat on his head and started for the door, then turned back. “But you can know one thing for sure: I’ll be praying for you.”
❧
Jenny climbed into her bed that night with Red’s words echoing through her mind. She trusted him in other things; could she trust him in this as well? What if his assertion that God loved her—as impossible as that seemed—was true?
She considered the possibility. What difference would God’s presence make in her life?
Jenny rolled to one side and scooted down a bit so she could see the Big Dipper through her window. God created those stars and all the rest. Did He live among them, up on some lofty plane where He could look down and consider all His works?
Supposing the Maker of the universe did decide to take her as one of His own, what then? Could she hope to feel as pure as Elizabeth and Michael, as confident in His love as Red?
What would that mean to her? She wrapped one of her long blond ringlets around her finger and pondered the concept of truly feeling clean. Teardrops gathered in the corners of her eyes at the thought of never caring what other people thought about her or her past.
If it were possible. . . But it wasn’t. Reality jolted her to her senses. According to Elizabeth and Michael, God never changed. Did that mean she had imagined His love when she was a little girl gazing up at this same night sky with her mother’s soft lullaby in her ears?
Wasn’t He supposed to be in control of all things? Then she had t
o believe He allowed her family to meet such hideous deaths and her to witness it. The power to create the universe, and He hadn’t lifted a finger to avert the tragedy that set her life on its cruel path. What kind of love was that?
And God was holy. She knew that much. Holiness couldn’t exist in the presence of wickedness. That would most certainly include the kind of goings-on that were considered normal behavior at the Nugget Saloon. It included Jenny, herself. No matter that she’d spent her weeks there warding off advances from leering customers. No matter that she’d earned Burleigh Ames’s wrath by refusing to take any of the men upstairs to her room. She had been pawed and grabbed at, despite her best efforts to protect herself. Even against her will, the groping hands had left their mark. And left her tainted.
Tainted with a stain that blemished her soul forever and left her unworthy to even think of being welcomed into God’s presence. He would have to change His very nature to accept her as she was today, and God didn’t change.
A low moan escaped her throat, and Jenny gathered the sheet tight under her chin despite the sweltering temperatures of the hot summer night. She couldn’t bear to throw the layer of fabric back and further expose herself to the all-seeing eye of the Almighty. She closed her eyes and forced a swallow down her dry throat. She knew who she was, no getting around it. Better to accept that fact and do what she could to make her life as tolerable as possible than to dwell on what could never be.
eleven
“And how is my lovely partner this morning?” Evan’s cheerful greeting set Jenny’s teeth on edge.
“Fine.” She pushed open the office window to take advantage of any breeze the day might offer and forced a bright smile, well aware that she looked anything but lovely. A sleepless night as the unwilling hostess to a myriad of dark thoughts had taken care of that.
“As a matter of fact, I heard some exciting news yesterday.” Maybe setting her mind on the positive things in her life would let her ignore the emptiness that threatened to engulf her these days whenever she let down her guard.
Evan sprawled in the chair and leaned his elbow against the desk. “I’m up for some excitement. What did you hear?”
“You remember Red Dwyer?”
“The scrawny little miner who looks almost as weather-beaten as his burro does?”
Jenny shot him an exasperated look. “Underneath that rough exterior, he’s a gentleman through and through. I’ve known far too few of those.”
Evan held up his left hand in a lazy gesture. “I stand admonished. Now take that scowl off your face and tell me what your little leprechaun had to say.”
Excitement bubbled up inside Jenny despite her fatigue. “I grubstaked him awhile back. He came back yesterday to tell me he’s located a silver strike he thinks will be very profitable. And,” she added with a broad smile, “he’s decided to make me his partner. I now hold an interest in a silver mine. Even if nothing comes of it, that’s still a pretty thrilling thought.”
“You mean the old codger actually found something worthwhile?” Evan lowered his head and stared at the floor, then looked straight at her, his eyes snapping with enthusiasm. “If this turns out to be more than the fevered imagination of one more prospector who claims he’s found the mother lode, you’re going to need more partners than just the two of you.”
Jenny watched him, biting back a cry of dismay. Evan always had his eye on the main chance. What could he be up to now?
“Red’s a nice enough fellow,” Evan continued, “but face it, he’s never struck it rich before. He’d hardly know the best way to go about developing the claim, if it’s anywhere near as rich as he says. And you. . .” He gave Jenny a half smile and shrugged. “You’re a wonder at running this restaurant, but working a mine is a different proposition altogether. You both need someone with a more diversified background, someone with the connections to make the most of this opportunity.”
Jenny directed a cool glance his way, certain she knew where this was headed. “And that someone would be. . . ?”
Evan swept his hands apart and bowed with a flourish. “I know what it takes to deal with investors, and I have the connections to make it happen.” He stepped toward her, his eyes glittering. “Take me into the partnership, Jenny. I can help.”
Help whom? She recognized the truth of the words the moment they flashed into her mind. In the time she’d known him, she’d learned one thing about Evan: His first and last motive for taking any action was based on what he considered best for Evan Townsend. Offering to help out of a spirit of altruism simply wasn’t in his nature.
“I don’t think so, Evan.” She turned and looked out the window. “Thank you for the offer, but Red said he already has someone lined up.” Someone he barely knows and I haven’t even met. Which would be better, the stranger, who might or might not live up to Red’s expectations, or Evan, whose motives she knew all too well?
Evan stepped up close behind her. “And who’s this person he’s taken on? What do you know about him?”
Only that Red trusts him, however wise or foolish that may be. She kept her misgivings to herself and lifted one shoulder. “I’m supposed to meet him soon. I’ll be able to tell you more about him then.”
The air Evan hissed out between his teeth stirred the ringlets against the back of her neck. “I guess I’m too late, aren’t I?” He chuckled, seeming to regain his typically easygoing manner. “Let Red know about my offer, will you? The time may come when you need me, and for you, I’ll be willing to step in and help.”
“I’ll do that,” Jenny agreed, grateful for his capitulation, even more grateful when he picked up his hat and left the room.
❧
“He’s coming, Jenny.” Red peered through the kitchen doorway. Excitement radiated from him, making his face look like that of a child on Christmas morning. “He’ll be here in just a moment.”
“Who’s coming?” Jenny removed four apple pies from the oven and set the heavy pan on the counter.
“Andrew Garrett,” Red announced, giving the Rs a fine roll. “Our new partner,” he added in answer to Jenny’s blank expression.
“Oh. Oh!” What a day for Jacinta’s youngest to develop croup! Jenny hadn’t realized how used she’d become to being free of the cooking duties. She shut the oven door and wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. “Let me just cover these pies.”
Red glanced over his shoulder and smiled. “Be out as soon as you can, Lass. He’s just arrived.” He hustled off toward the outer door.
Jenny quickly tossed a clean cloth over the pie pans, then thought of her appearance. “Wonderful,” she muttered, smoothing back the damp strands of hair the blistering Tucson heat had left dangling along the sides of her face. “I can just imagine what I look like. If his knowledge of mines isn’t any better than his timing, we are not off to a good start.” At least he managed to come between the breakfast and lunch crowds. She yanked off her apron and hurried out into the dining room.
Red stood near the door in animated conversation with a tall, sandy-haired man. He beamed when he saw Jenny cross the room toward them. “Here she is now,” he said to his companion. “Andrew, meet Jenny Davis, the third partner in the Silver Crown Mine.”
The stranger turned and looked at Jenny with piercing blue eyes. Eyes she remembered from one brief encounter in Elizabeth’s restaurant. Eyes she’d seen in her daydreams ever since.
Did he remember, too? But why should he? They had only exchanged a fleeting glance, nothing that would probably matter to him, even if the moment had branded his image in her soul.
She struggled to compose her features and forced herself to keep moving as though she didn’t feel like she’d just been struck by a bolt of lightning. With her attention focused on her daydream come to life, her feet tangled in a chair leg. She scrambled for balance but succeeded only in stumbling again. With a cry of alarm, she pitched forward.
Andrew jumped forward and caught her elbow in a strong grip. A tingl
ing shock jolted through Jenny’s arm. She regained her balance and pulled away, placing the fingertips of her other hand on the arm he had touched.
Andrew seemed as affected by their contact as she did. He stared at Jenny, his gaze probing hers with a long, measuring look. “Did I hurt you?” he asked in the deep voice she remembered from Prescott.
Jenny shook her head but couldn’t speak. Standing in his presence, close enough to see the details of his face, she could only stare. She drank in his appearance with her eyes, filling in the gaps her memory had missed. At the moment, she wanted nothing more than to give in to her fancies and lose herself in the blue depths of his gaze.
“You’re sure you’re all right, Lass?” Red’s forehead bunched into a mass of fine wrinkles. “You look a wee bit shaken.”
The solicitous query brought her back to her senses. “No. I mean, yes. I’m fine.” Jenny tore her gaze away from Andrew and gave Red a wavering smile.
“That was quite a stumble,” Andrew said. “You’re certain I didn’t hurt you?” He reached out as if to touch her arm again.
Jenny pulled back quickly. “I’m fine,” she repeated. “Shall we sit down?”
She led the way to a table before the other members of the newly formed partnership could question her well-being again. Let them think she’d been shaken up by her near fall. Not for the world did she want them to see how close she’d just come to throwing her hard-won dignity to the wind.
Andrew hadn’t hurt her, only set her emotional equilibrium spinning out of control. And that could prove just as dangerous as a physical tumble, maybe even more so. Jenny seated herself with aplomb and donned a mantle of cool reserve. She would have to be on her guard around this man.
❧
Andrew followed his new partner, trying not to show the surge of excitement he felt when he recognized her as the captivating young woman from Prescott. In the fleeting moment when their gazes had locked during their first encounter, she had left an impression that haunted his memory ever since. Rather than throwing himself into his work in Tucson with his usual fervor, he’d found himself uncharacteristically impatient, chafing at every delay. Now he understood why: His physical self had been going about his work here, all the while his mind had been set on returning to Prescott to look into those aquamarine eyes once again.
