by Lila Felix
“Ready or not, here I come.”
I wrapped up the show with a song—Here By Me by 3 Doors Down. Mondays were usually pretty good. It was the beginning of the work week and keeping busy lately kept me sane—mostly. But as I walked home, I felt the dread of my home closing in on me.
I unlocked the door, threw the keys and my bag on the counter and decided to do laundry before I ran out of clean clothes. I’d changed over the past months. My house stayed clean all the time, with tons of food in the fridge. I kept her room clean and aired out, bed made, door open. It had to be in case she ever did show up. I made time for Jett and my family again and had begun online classes. I loved my job now. Cutting out all the complacency had been the key. Because after Havok, I didn’t have the patience or the energy for all of the teenage crap anymore. So now my callers were of all ages and walks of life. And if they were acting stupid, I told them. Not in so many words but they got the jest. There was no sugar sprinkled on the top of their bitter slice of honest pie when it was served on my show. And it had paid off. My show was all over the country, and I was making really good money, enough to pay for school without loans. Enough to support her—if she ever came back.
I doubted it every day. I doubted she would ever return to me. It was wrong and I should be ashamed of it, but it was what it was. She had so much potential for a life full of joy. And when I replayed our short relationship in my head, I smiled to myself at how effing smart she was, surviving all that time on her own. And my Havok could take on the world with the strength in her little toe. Havok, just Havok, she wasn’t mine anymore.
I needed her. I needed her folded in my arms at night. And I wanted to wake up to her grumpy scowl in the morning. Our roles had switched. She didn’t need me anymore, but my need for her was almost overwhelming.
I’d slid into an almost coma when a knock on the door broke me free.
I jerked the door open, angry at whoever had interrupted my Havok replay.
“Hi,” a girl, no, a beautiful woman said.
“Havok?”
She blushed instantly and shifted her shoes on the ground. She had little black shoes on that reminded me of ballet slippers. Long gone were the baggy pants and hoodies. She was stunning.
She took a step back in response to my hesitation, “I’m sorry. You must be busy. I didn’t even think to call first.”
“No, come in. I’m not busy, just stunned.”
“Thanks.”
She stepped in past me and a tornado of longing encompassed my heart, it was all I could do not to reach for her.
“It looks great in here. You got some new furniture.”
I did not want to talk about furniture.
“I did. You look amazing, Havok. Really, you’re just breathtaking.”
She covered her face with her hands, that clump of hair was nowhere to be found this time when she needed assistance in hiding.
“What? Don’t hide from me. I haven’t seen you in months. Come sit down. Unless you’re in a hurry.”
“No, I’m not.” She sat and looked around a bit more—it was different from the eye darting she used to do, but it was avoidance all the same.
“I listen to your show every day. You sound so confident. And now that I know the face that goes with the voice—it’s the best part of my day.”
That was what I needed to hear. I craved those words—the ones that said even in our distance we’d retained some kind of connection. She’d thought about me, listened to my show. That was enough.
“Thank you. It’s overwhelming sometimes. It was one thing when a city was tuning in, but now a whole country?”
“No way, you’ve got them wrapped around your finger.”
“And you’ve still got me wrapped around yours.”
Scooting closer, she reached out and touched my jaw. “Can we skip the niceties? Tell me about you Havok. Tell me everything.”
“Oh thank God. I suck at small talk. I think you know some from Camille.”
“No, Havok. She’d never betray your trust like that. She’d give me this nod when I saw her. It was letting me know you’re ok. Sometimes she’d say, ‘she’s fine.’ But that was it. Even Jett wouldn’t tell me anything.”
“Well, I’m working Monday through Friday. For a while I had to see Camille every day, then it reduced to three times a week, then two, and now it’s only one until January. Then I start school. Purdue held my scholarship for me. And the City of Lafayette gave me a scholarship to help me with books and stuff. I’m healthier,” she smiled and patted her stomach, “and everything is fine with me physically except the hair. They did a number on my hair. We still have no idea why they cut it and dyed it. Camille and I have a joking list of theories. But other than that, I’m okay. I’m not completely better. I still wonder about my mom. I think I always will. I’m just ready to start living again.”
I couldn’t take it anymore, especially with everything she’d just told me. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I pulled her to me. She didn’t say that her plans included me, and at that moment I didn’t care. She looked so damned happy. And that was the point of the whole thing—her happiness. But when she reciprocated, I crumbled. Her arms circled my neck and her fingers played at the back of my hair.
“I missed you so much, I thought I’d come undone,” she confessed into the crook of my neck.
“It almost consumed me, Havok. Every day I had to re-convince myself that being away from you was the best thing. I missed you terribly.”
I curved my hand under her knees and situated her completely sideways on my lap.
“I’m too heavy,” she began to move.
“No, you’re just right now. You were way too thin before. Now you’re perfect. And you stopped dressing like a boy. That’s always a plus.”
“That was just part of me hiding.”
“Thank God that’s over with.”
A phone rang and she pulled back to fish it out of her back pocket, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry’ to me.
She began to talk to whoever on the line, but I took the time to reexamine her. Her legs were fuller, she had actual curves to her hips now, her hair was short on the side and a little longer on the top, it was a girl-hawk and a damned sexy one at that. I watched her lip ring move as she spoke. She’d changed so much, both physically and emotionally. She’d evolved into a woman. But I still didn’t know if this was a friendly reunion or what I really wanted.
Still listening to the other end of the conversation she met my gaze and locked me in place with it. She played with the crown of my hair, said her goodbyes and then threw the phone on the couch beside her. She shifted on top of me, now facing me and sighed.
“What? Don’t sigh like that unless you mean it.”
“Oh, I mean it.”
“I have to know if you still love me, Havok. It’s killing me not to know.”
“You think four months would make me stop loving you?”
I grabbed her hips and squeezed, she made everything so difficult—and I loved it.
“Stop answering questions with more questions.”
She laughed, “Yes, I still love you. Yes, I think about you every day, sometimes every minute. Yes, I need you in my life for as long as you’ll have me. For as long as you can put up with my craziness. And this time I’m well. I’m here, because I’m not all fixed, but I’m far from the broken girl on your doorstep. But what about you?”
The girl was certifiable if she thought anything had changed with me.
“I love you with everything in me. I just want to start over with you. Everything before was built on lies. I need you more than anything else. Can we start over?”
“Please.”
And then my once skiddish girl, crashed her lips against mine. Our lips were desperate, so much time denying ourselves had built up into a fury of passion. Long gone was the hesitant pecks and the innocent playing. This was the kiss of two people in love, who’d gone without each other for way too long. And then he
r phone interrupted us.
“I’m on my way.” She shouted into the phone playfully.
“It was so much better when you didn’t have a phone.”
She rolled her eyes, “We’re late. Come on.”
I pouted when she got up and pulled me to standing, “What are we late for?”
“Family dinner at the Blakely’s. Other than you, it’s been my grounding force. It can’t be missed. Let’s go.”
“Havok, wait.”
“What?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of me too. Now come on, we start over tonight.”
18 months later
“What are we missing,” I scrambled around, looking for a hole in my plan. The last month or two had been filled with doling out orders and micro-managing everyone to be sure this was perfect. She deserved nothing less than perfect.
“The booze,” Jett chimed in, “It is her twenty first birthday.”
“She’s not interested in drinking. I think she’s witnessed enough mind altering substances than we ever have. It’s no wonder.”
“I even asked her if she wanted to go out. She was a solid ‘no’.” Ali chimed in.
My phone beeped. It was Havok, right on time. She had a Humanities class on Monday nights and didn’t get out until nine. She always headed straight home.
“She’s on her way.”
All of us, Ali, Jett, Leslie, Ali’s Dad Sam, my parents, Camille and Gretchen, Havok’s new friend from school waited until we heard the rumble of my Bronco and then ducked behind the kitchen counter. Her birthday wasn’t until Wednesday so this really would be a surprise. I heard her key in the door and then her backpack where she always haphazardly tossed it under the key rack. She took a couple of steps into the kitchen and I counted down with my fingers, three, two, one, “Surprise!”
A shrill scream broke out of her. And then she covered her face, smiling. My job was done.
“I hate you all,” she laughed as she tried to be angry—she failed.
Everyone got to her before I could, hugging her and wishing her all the best. And then I got my turn with my girl. She worked so hard at school. With her A.P. classes, plus her full course load and summer classes, she would graduate with only one more year of school. She didn’t work, instead she interned with one of her physics professors. And I’d been right—she killed the sexy lab coat thing.
She whined all the time about not working. But she didn’t have to, and I didn’t want her to, mostly for selfish reasons. I wanted her home as much as possible when she wasn’t studying and I just loved taking care of her. My show had been picked up by so many nationwide stations that I couldn’t even keep track of all of them and was in talks for syndication. I was still in online school but only part-time.
She hadn’t heard anything about her mom. The men in the sex trafficking bust were still awaiting trial, appeal after appeal had been filed. And Beth—she was missing from the scene of the crime and we never saw or heard from her again. I hoped she didn’t come to harm, but was glad she was long gone. Havok had told me everything about when she was kidnapped once, in a lot of detail. It took me a week to get it out of my mind. And we never spoke of it again. It was enough that she still saw Camille once a month. She was her confidant. Sometimes she’d come home from her sessions happy, sometimes puffy eyed, stalking straight to bed. But the happy returns far outweighed the crying ones and that was the most important thing.
“Happy Birthday, Havok,” I said and kissed her temple.
“I hate surprises, you suck,” she said, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“I know but everybody deserves at least one surprise birthday party in their lives. I thought I’d get started early.”
“Good, get it over with. I’m gonna wait until you’re about seventy and then you won’t remember the next day.”
“So funny.”
We talked about those kinds of things all the time, growing old together, and none of the plans I had in life didn’t include her. But there was no ring on her finger, no proposals waved in the air—yet.
I’d moved into a townhouse in January after the kidnapping. It was closer to Purdue and closer to work, plus she had her own bedroom in case she wanted to stay over. But one night here and there had turned into a week and before I knew it she’d just moved in. I didn’t care. It was my evil scheme all along.
And one stormy night she’d gotten scared and ended up in my bed—and never went back.
Gathered around the dining room table, we all ate cake, provided by Mrs. Swan and lasagna, cooked by Leslie. Everyone gave Havok gift cards since she was impossible to shop for. She was very particular and even I had trouble picking out my gift.
“Ok,” Ali said slamming her flattened hands on the table, “I’m outta here. I have American Lit at seven a.m.”
“Me too, I’ve got work,” Jett stood.
The rest of the crew made their excuses and filed out. I didn’t even pretend to be bummed out about it.
I cleaned up the mess while I listened to her constant sighs, she was upset that I wouldn’t let her help.
I showered and got ready for bed. My stomach was in complete knots. Not because I thought she’d reject me or anything like that—I was just nervous. The ring was in its box under the fitted sheet on her side of the bed. And even though she slept here, we’d discussed long ago that we would wait until we were married for anything further. She still was touchy about the subject and I would never, ever push her to do something we’d both regret.
I changed channels like I was in a race as she came out of the bathroom and threw back the comforter.
“What’s on,” she asked and then squealed, jumping from the bed.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“There’s something in my bed.”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“No, there’s something under the sheet.”
“Ok, ok, let’s see what it is.”
She pulled the corner of the sheet back and looked confused, “It’s a box.”
“What’s in it?”
She grabbed the box and jerked it open.
“What is this?”
“It’s a bowling ball. What do you think it is?”
“It’s for me?”
I should’ve known that even a proposal would be daunting with Havok around.
“Come here. Let me see it.”
She crawled onto the bed and shoved it at me like it was dangerous.
“Lay next to me, I wanna tell you some things.”
She laid her head on my pillow, our noses almost touching.
I tapped on her on her lip ring, “I don’t know at what point I fell in love with you, Havok. And when I try to remember it’s as if it never had a beginning, it was there, waiting all the time for me to discover it. It doesn’t have a beginning to me, and it will never have an end. I don’t expect us to get married anytime soon, especially before you’ve finished school. But one day, whenever you’re ready, will you be my wife?”
“You’ll have to help me.”
“Help you what?” I almost laughed, but refrained. She was serious.
“I don’t know how to be a wife. I don’t know how to do these things.”
“Hey,” I put the ring aside, there were more important things at stake here, and took her face in my hands, “I’m not asking you for anything. Well, that’s not true. The only thing I’m asking is that you love me for the rest of your life. There are no expectations, no standards to live up to. Just love me and I’ll love you and we’ll be fine.”
“What about kids?”
“What about them?”
“Do you want them?”
Of course I did. There was nothing I’d love more than a spunky little Havok bouncing around the house calling me Daddy.
“Yes, one day. Do you not?”
“Yeah, actually I think I do. I want to try to be everything my mom wasn’t to me.”
I chuckled an
d pecked her once, “So you did it again.”
“What?”
“You managed to answer my question with lots of other ones. It’s an important question.”
She blew out a breath and looked down at our now entwined hands. My Havok didn’t pour her heart out often, but when she did it quaked me to my core.
“The best thing that ever happened to me was choosing your door stoop to sleep on. It seems like a decade ago. You constantly sacrifice yourself for my welfare. You loved me enough to set me free when I needed time to heal. I couldn’t love you more if I tried. And that’s enough for me. But you wanting me to be your wife? It blows my mind. Yes, I will marry you. Can I have my ring back?”
Screw the ring. I closed the distance between us and kissed her until she forgot the world around us, forgot her birthday—forgot her own damned name.
I no longer had to seek Havok, I found her, she was mine and I’d never let her go.
Fade Into You/Mazzy Star
When They Come For Me/Linkin Park
Paradise/Coldplay
Lying to You/Keaton Henson
Fade Away/Oasis
Fade Away/Breaking Benjamin
Fade/Staind
Faded From the Winter/Iron and Wine
Faded/Afghan Whigs
Havoc/Alanis Morissette
Cry Havoc/Ashbury Heights
My Broken Heart/Noah and the Whale
My Girl To Me/Dawes
Hold Me/Royal Teeth
Hearts Like Ours/The Naked and the Famous
Here By Me/3 Doors Down
To God: For giving me a brain capable of imaginary people and faith in happy endings
To my husband and children: My biggest fans and greatest supporters, I love y’all to the moon and back. Especially my husband who keeps signed copies in his truck and gives them out to everyone.
To Mandy, Amy, Candace and Amanda, my beta readers and friends who tell me the truth no matter what.
Thanks to the Indie Hellcats for listening when I whine and patting me on the back when I do well. Shelly, Rachel, Samantha, Amy, Georgia, Angeline, Michelle, and Quinn, you’re all rock stars in my book. There’s not a better group of authors on the Earth.
