Rebecca stared at her computer screen until she couldn’t take it anymore and shifted her gaze to Sherry. She tilted her head and waited.
“It’s your little cupcake,” Sherry announced with certainty.
“I wish you wouldn’t call her that.”
“I know. You’re right. It’s condescending. And honestly, the way she’s been kicking ass in my spin class, I don’t think she’s as weak and squishy as I may have thought. I’ll have to come up with another nickname. Something harder. Something tough.” It was an attempt at lightheartedness, but it fell flat and Sherry seemed to know it. “Seriously, Beck, what’s the deal?”
“I slept with her.” Rebecca’s voice was barely a whisper, but she said it. She said the words, then squeezed her eyes shut and flinched as Sherry unloaded on her. As expected.
“You did what? Jesus Christ, Rebecca, what were you thinking? You know how inappropriate that is! You could lose your job.” Sherry kept her voice down as well, looking around as she hissed at Rebecca, making sure nobody could hear them. “You know better.”
“I know. I know.”
“And isn’t she engaged?”
Rebecca nodded.
Sherry was perched on the very edge of her chair, and when Rebecca finally ventured a glance, she wished she hadn’t. A mix of frustration, disgust, and immense disappointment was splashed all over Sherry’s face.
“Jesus Christ, Rebecca.”
“I know.”
“When did this happen? And, is it a regular thing now?”
“A couple of weeks ago. And no. Just the one time. We talked about it and agreed it couldn’t happen again and we’d be friends.”
Sherry nodded, gazing off into space as if she couldn’t bear to look at Rebecca. Rebecca slumped a bit in her chair. “Well. That’s good, I suppose.” They sat quietly for what felt like a long time before Sherry seemed to collect herself, sat up a bit as if she’d been bolstered by something. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
Rebecca shook her head. “It’s fine. I deserved it.”
“No. No, you didn’t, because something else is going on here. Talk to me.” Sherry’s voice had softened. Rebecca knew her friend well. She led with emotion, and then logic and practicality followed quickly after. “Are you in love with her?” she asked quietly.
“No, I…I don’t think so,” Rebecca said. “I mean, I don’t know her well enough to be. Right? But…” She searched for the right words. “I can’t seem to get her out of my head. I had this crazy dream last night that I can’t stop replaying.” She told Sherry about the entire dream, still surprised that she remembered every detail. When she finished, Sherry sat with wide eyes. “I know, right?”
“Wow.”
“I just…I worry that I’m giving way too much of my energy to something I need to just let go of. You know?” She turned to Sherry, looked intently at her. “But being her friend has become difficult because…I like her. I like her a lot. She’s witty and smart and charming—”
“And taken.”
Rebecca closed her eyes. “Yeah. That, too.”
“Yeah, you did things so backward, girlfriend. You’re supposed to get to know her first, then decide you like her, then sleep with her.” Another attempt at humor that didn’t go very far. More gently, Sherry asked, “What are you going to do?”
Rebecca sat back in her chair and let out a long, slow breath, like a bike tire losing air. “I know what I should do. And I know what I want to do. And they are very different things.”
Sherry leaned forward, laid a hand on Rebecca’s shoulder. “I find that when you’re not sure what to do, the best thing to do is nothing.”
* * *
Spencer had made a decision. It had taken several days and an overwhelming amount of back and forth, of tears, of frustration, but she’d settled on a course of action.
“You’re sure this is what you want to do?” Mary Beth had asked her on the phone the night before. To her credit, she did a commendable job keeping her own opinion out of her voice, even though Spencer suspected she didn’t agree.
“Yes. I screwed up in a big way and I need to make up for that. I need to stop being so wishy-washy and focus on the life ahead. Marti deserves my full attention, not my confusion. Not my uncertainty. She’s been nothing but patient with me, and I messed up. I have to fix that.”
“I’m hearing a lot of ‘I did this’ and ‘She deserves that,’ but I haven’t heard you say anything about what you want.”
Spencer knew one thing she wanted: she wanted not to have to explain any more to her sister, because if anybody could make her waver, make her swerve back to being unsure, it was Mary Beth, Queen of Logic and Pragmatism. “Can you just support me here? Please?” She said it gently, but there was a pleading tone in there that made Spencer wrinkle her nose with distaste.
Mary Beth had been quiet for a few beats before saying, “Of course. You’re right. It’s your life, and only you can make these decisions. I’m behind you, no matter what.”
Spencer’s sigh of relief escaped from her lungs in a whoosh much louder than she’d intended. “Thanks, M.B. That means a lot to me.”
“You’re my little sister, Spencer. I love you. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know. I love you, too.”
She had her big sister’s support.
So why did she still feel so alone?
Work had been very busy, and for that, Spencer was grateful. She didn’t want to dwell. She’d done enough of that. Not to mention, she had bride class tonight. Rebecca had canceled Monday’s class but hadn’t said why, and Spencer had toyed with contacting her to make sure she was okay. Reason had won out, though, and she’d managed not to. Thank God there were only a few classes left in the program because being around Rebecca after making the decision to focus on her life with Marti was not something she looked forward to.
“Hey, don’t you need to get going?” Jennifer’s voice yanked Spencer out of the staring off into space she’d done several times that day. She tapped her watch. “It’s five twenty.”
“Oh. Right. Thanks.” Spencer logged off her computer, then pushed herself back from her desk and bent to retrieve her purse from underneath.
“You okay?” When Spencer sat back up, Jennifer was looking at her with gentle concern. “You’ve been kind of quiet today.”
“I’m good. I’m fine. Just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Not the whole truth, but not a lie. She’d seen 1:37, 2:45, and 3:50 on the clock the night before.
Jennifer’s face said she was skeptical, but luckily, she didn’t press. “All right. Just checking on you.”
“I appreciate it.” Spencer forced a smile, then escaped the office as quickly as she could before Jennifer changed her mind and decided to probe further.
The locker room at BodyFit was full and buzzing. A shiny red lock hung from Spencer’s usual locker and she wrinkled her nose as she glared at it. No sign of Lucy. Spencer figured she must be out there already. Choosing the next locker over, she opened it, put her purse inside, and set down her bag to get changed as she eavesdropped on conversations around her. The two women directly behind her were discussing some sort of recipe…chicken? No, turkey—one swearing that the slow cooker was the only way to go. They headed out and Spencer could then hear voices she recognized as Brittany and Bella, their tones joyful and excited, as they chatted from the next aisle over.
“It’s red velvet with a buttercream frosting that’s just ridiculous,” Brittany was saying.
“Oh, red velvet…”
Bella must’ve made some kind of dreamy face because Brittany added with a laugh, “Yes! That’s exactly how I looked.”
“We decided on cupcakes, but the flavors are kind of exotic,” Bella said then. “Key lime. Egyptian spice. Chocolate cayenne.”
“Cupcakes are a fantastic idea! I almost went there, but I wanted a tiered cake.”
“Totally understandable. Did you h
ave fun?”
“I did. I think choosing the cake was the least stressful thing about the planning…though I haven’t really minded any of it.” Brittany sounded so happy, so incredibly joyous, and Spencer was surprised by the wave of envy that rushed through her. Their voices faded as they left the locker room, and Spencer gave herself a full minute before following.
After a ten-minute warm-up on cardio equipment, the five brides met Rebecca at their usual corner of the gym to find out what they’d be working on today. Spencer allowed herself ten seconds to soak up the tight-fitting black workout pants and red racer-back tank Rebecca wore before forcing her eyes down toward the floor and keeping them there.
“Hello there, my hardworking brides-to-be. We’ve only got four classes left. Can you believe that?”
“No way,” Lucy said, then covered her mouth in an adorable display of I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
“It’s true, I’m afraid.” Rebecca grinned at Lucy. “That just means I’ve got four more days to work in all the remaining torture I can think of.” She winked and then her expression softened; Spencer allowed herself a quick glance. “You guys have made some amazing progress. I’m really proud of you and want you to know that. Also, I’m sorry about Monday. Rough day.”
“Everything okay?” Lucy asked. Because of course, Lucy would ask. She was sweet like that.
Rebecca took a deep breath. “It is now. My best friend since high school had what we thought was a heart attack on Sunday, so I spent Monday helping his wife get him home from the hospital and settled.”
Spencer let out a small gasp, and before she could catch herself, she asked, “Nick?”
Rebecca met her eyes, held them, nodded. “It was just a case of acute angina, and he’s fine.” She seemed to have to make a concerted effort to pull her gaze from Spencer, but once she had, she clapped her hands together once and smiled widely. “The good news is he’s now going to actually listen to me about diet and exercise, so…silver lining?”
Chuckles went through the other four, but Spencer didn’t join them. She could see the veiled worry on Rebecca’s face, the slight shadows under her eyes that said she probably wasn’t sleeping well, and all she wanted to do was wrap Rebecca in her arms. The sudden image of the two of them on a couch, Rebecca’s head in her lap while Spencer played with her hair, was so strong, so solid, it made Spencer’s breath catch in her throat.
“Okay, let’s get to work.”
Rebecca hadn’t been kidding; she worked them hard, didn’t take it easy on them just because the classes were drawing to a close. Spencer concentrated, did her best to focus, to not look at Rebecca. Which was fine because Rebecca didn’t seem to want to look at her either. The entire time Spencer exercised, with each new move or circuit Rebecca instructed her to do, she could feel her emotions inside going from a simmer to a slow bubble to a low boil, their intensity increasing as she pushed her body. She didn’t understand it. She’d made a decision. She knew what she needed to do, so what on earth was the problem? Why couldn’t her brain settle?
It was core work today, Spencer’s least favorite, so that certainly wasn’t helping her mood. They finished up the last set of crunches, all five women flat on their backs, groaning and panting, but when Spencer turned to look down the line, all seemed to be smiling. Happy.
Envy washed through her.
“Okay,” Rebecca said, her sneakered feet moving past Spencer’s head. “On your stomachs. You know the drill.” She had her phone out, and presumably, the timer all set for planks. “Some of you got this and some of you are so close. Sixty seconds. Ready?”
Spencer didn’t look at her—par for the course today—and got into position, her feelings roiling inside her like a cauldron full of something sour.
“Go.”
All five women braced on forearms and toes and held it.
Spencer’s brain was like a KitchenAid mixer, systematically blending every thought she had, yanking it into the beaters and combining it with every other. Her job and her living situation and Marti and Nick and Lucy and Ethan and Rebecca and spin class and her body and her jewelry and all of it. All of it. It blended together into a thick, ugly mess of feelings until Spencer couldn’t take it anymore. Until she wanted to scream. She could feel her face heating up as the blood rose and her body quaked with exertion and when Rebecca’s timer finally sounded, Spencer dropped to the ground and uttered a word she’d never said before in all her life with enough intensity to alarm herself:
“Motherfucker.”
A beat of silence passed before the rest of the girls burst out laughing.
“Oh, my God, finally.” Lucy was on her stomach next to Spencer, and she laid a warm hand on Spencer’s back.
Brittany and Bella broke into applause while Willow’s laugh kept on.
Spencer ventured a glance at Rebecca, who was grinning widely. “I think you’ve arrived,” she said to Spencer, with a wink.
It probably should have been a fun moment, something to laugh about, an amusing memory to have. But it wasn’t. Instead, it made Spencer even more sad and confused and she simply stayed there, like a fish that had washed up on shore.
“You okay?” Lucy asked as she got to her feet and held out a hand.
Spencer waved it off. “I’m good. Just gonna stay here for a minute.”
She could feel Lucy’s eyes on her, but she kept her own gaze on the peeling rubber on the foot of the leg press several yards away.
“I’m worried about you, Spence.” Lucy squatted, and her voice was soft, filled with concern. “You’re not yourself lately.”
Spencer managed to turn her grimace into a small smile and reached to grab Lucy’s foot. “I’m okay. Promise.”
Lucy looked unconvinced, but went with it. “I’m here. Okay? Just remember that. I’m here if you need me.”
“I know. Thank you.”
Another moment went by before Lucy sighed quietly and headed for the locker room. The truth was, Spencer didn’t want to chat. She didn’t want to deal with conversation right now. With anybody. And she was worried about Rebecca being worried about Nick. She wanted to talk to her, to ask her how she was, could Spencer help. Which was not her place. So not her place. But that didn’t make the desire go away.
Spencer sat up but stayed on the carpeted floor for another ten minutes, just watching the bustle of BodyFit. The Crasher was in the corner with the free weights, dropping large plates with a loud groan after every set. Spencer could feel the reverberation in her ass as it shook the floor each time. The Redhead with Shoulders to Die For was on the pull-down machine, her earbuds in as she worked her triceps. Spencer wondered if she was even the tiniest bit aware of the glances she got as people walked past her. In the corner, two twentysomething guys were bench pressing and spotting each other, encouraging one another. Everybody was busy. Everybody oblivious to the darkness of Spencer’s mood.
She pushed out a loud breath and got to her feet, grabbed up her water bottle and towel, and headed to the locker room. She’d timed it well, as the other four brides were gone, so she took her time opening her locker—after staring at the unfamiliar red lock in confusion for longer than she cared to admit before remembering somebody else had snagged her usual locker first. She found her own, twisted the dial, and got the combination wrong. The lock held fast. With a thud, Spencer dropped her forehead against the cool metal of the locker and just stood there, doing her best to take air in, let air out.
“Just breathe. Just be. You’re fine.” She whispered the mantra several times before trying the lock again, this time with success. Not wanting to dwell on the relief that coursed through her, she pulled her duffel out and unzipped it, tossed her water bottle in.
The little black velvet bag looked at her from inside.
Spencer reached in, retrieved it, pulled open the drawstrings. Her mind immediately flooded with Rebecca’s face, with the worry she must have felt after getting the call about Nick. The panic that must have
seized her. Spencer had seen the two of them interact. She knew firsthand how much they meant to each other.
Maybe it’ll cheer her up.
That was the thought that spurred Spencer into action. She tightened the drawstring back up, pocketed the pouch, gathered her things, and went in search of her fitness instructor one last time.
* * *
Rebecca was exhausted.
She’d spent most of her free time for the past three days either helping Nick and Michelle or doing research for them. She was pretty sure she’d visited every fitness and good health site she knew of a dozen times each and that she’d read about a million articles, blogs, and chat rooms. She was determined to find the very best regimen for Nick that she could, and she wouldn’t stop until she had.
All the while, his words echoed through her head.
Life is too. Fucking. Short.
It was a simple statement, really. Not hugely original. People said it all the time. Every day. It was a common thing for one person to remind another. Rebecca knew all of this. So why had it stuck with her so completely? Like gum on the bottom of her shoe, it was always there and she kept noticing it because it would stop her progress for a second or two. Not only that, it took her focus. She found herself staring off into space on a regular basis over the past three days—like now—and it weirded her out. She was getting so little accomplished at work, but she felt like she’d developed instant attention deficit disorder and couldn’t concentrate on one thing for longer than a couple minutes before she ended up staring off, once again, distracted by blond hair, blue eyes.
“Hey.” Spencer’s voice startled Rebecca enough to make her flinch in surprise. Spencer wrinkled her nose and put a hand on Rebecca’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Then, as if noticing she was touching Rebecca, she snatched her hand back.
“Oh, no. No problem. That’s what I get for daydreaming.” Rebecca forced a smile onto her face. This was a situation where she couldn’t not look at Spencer. She didn’t want to, mostly because looking at Spencer did things to her. Sexual things. Things low in her body. Things she didn’t want to think about. At least in class, there were four other women she could rest her eyes on and it wasn’t obvious that she wasn’t looking at Spencer. But now? It would be rude to avoid any and all eye contact when it was just the two of them. Mentally bracing, she looked up from her seat, into soft blue eyes that seemed…uncertain. “What’s up?”
The Shape of You Page 21
