by Gina Shafer
“I should have spoken to you before I let Lincoln join us, I’m sorry,” he says in a hushed tone. I’ve been waiting for a moment to speak to him about all this.
“Soren, don’t apologize. I can’t say I understand it, but I trust you.” I make sure to look him directly in the eyes when I say that last part. I want him to know that I’m with him, that he isn’t alone anymore.
“Thanks, Dad. As far as I know, Lincoln is one of the oldest demons. He has knowledge that could really help us if we can figure out how to get it from him,” Soren whispers.
“Let me know when you figure that out.” I laugh, though I don’t feel the humor. Soren doesn’t have the reaction I thought he would. He doesn’t laugh. He stares at the floor, tucking his hands into his pockets.
“Soren…” I say, but he interrupts.
“It’s just… I just. I have to know that they’re not all bad. Because if Lincoln can do some good on our side, then…”
“Mom might not have been all bad either,” I finish for him. Now I get it. “You don’t have to explain, son, I want the same things you do. And I will always have your back, Soren. You’re my son and I love you,” I say.
“I love you too, Dad,” Soren replies. His eyes turn glassy and distant. I don’t think he ever expected to say those words again.
After a few seconds I nod my head toward the dining room, and we walk back toward everyone. I feel like the words we just spoke to each other, no matter how quick the conversation was, united us. Our bond is even stronger now, and if it keeps going at this rate, the demons will have no chance against us.
As we enter the room, I notice something I haven’t before. I notice the way these men and women move around each other, familiar, like a family, and it dawns on me that although I lost the idea of the family that I had, I gained an even stronger one. My eyes flick to Karina’s and I feel raw energy run through my chest. Just as I’m remembering the kiss we shared, our conversation earlier, her face pops up from the book in her lap and finds me across the room. Soren notices and he bumps his elbow against mine, confusion splayed across his face.
“I should have spoken to you earlier about this, Soren…” I begin to explain. The truth is, I feel like an asshole for not even thinking about talking to Soren about Karina until now.
“You and her?” he asks, incredulous.
I look to Karina once more, my vision blurring when she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and turns her face back down into her book. This is the first time either of us hasn’t looked away.
“I don’t know…” I lie. “Maybe.” I tell the truth.
“If you’re worried about what I’m going to say or think, don’t. You deserve better than what you’ve been dealt. We all do. And I won’t stand in your way.” He claps his hand across my shoulder and walks away. I hold back a wince at the pain, my burn reminding me that it’s still not fully healed.
Do I deserve better? I feel like I deserve a load worse than what I’ve gotten. I fell for all of Vara’s tricks, started a family with her, and trusted her with everything I had. There’s no telling what kind of information the demons gained from her. My stupidity should be accounted for. Still, I keep my eyes trained on Karina as I cross the room. I don’t brush away the tiny sliver of hope that breaks its way through to my core.
I take a seat next to the old stained-glass window and gaze at the flecks of light shining through the flowing trees, the reflection dancing on the hardwood. I gather strength in this moment, drawing from the hours of blood, sweat, and tears it took for me to build this home of my dreams. It didn’t quite turn out the way I had planned, but Soren supports me and I support him, and that is enough for me, for now.
“Okay, listen up!” I clap my hands together twice to catch the attention of everyone in the room, finally starting the meeting I called after Lincoln showed up. “We need to make a plan. We’re doing no good just sitting around on our asses while the demons get stronger every day.” My eyes move to Lincoln, sitting in a chair pulled to the back corner of the room. “Any ideas?” I ask him.
“None in particular that have to do with hunting demons, but I do have some particularly interesting information when it comes to Soren.” His beady eyes glance to Soren, then back to me.
“Out with it already, Lincoln. If you’re going to be here, you need to be quit making everyone guess at the next thing that’s going to come out of your mouth.” I roll my eyes.
“Fine, fine. Spoil my fun,” he says as he sits forward in his chair. “Soren can shift into other unburnt, and I’d like to be the one to teach him how to do so.” He locks his eyes with mine, knowing there will be a challenge.
“I’m sorry, what?” I manage to choke out past the dry socket lodged deep in my throat.
“I’m willing to teach Soren how to use the set of skills he was born with. He has more magic—a brighter flame if you will—in his pinky than most of you have in your entire bodies. He should learn what he’s capable of,. I’ve waited a long time until Soren would be comfortable stepping down from his leadership position long enough for me to train him. Now that you’re back Elijah, this could be the perfect time.” Lincoln says.
“I’m sorry, I can’t be hearing you correctly. I’m pretty sure only moments ago I wanted to kill demons, not let my son become one.” I honestly feel crazy, like Lincoln hasn’t heard a word I’ve said.
“Elijah, think for a moment. Get past that negative piece of your mind that views magic as evil. Soren could gain a following, maybe become king one day… he could make a difference in our world. Rule the right way.” Lincoln pleads.
I am ashamed to say that I hadn’t even thought of it that way, and I’m even more ashamed that my mind immediately shuts down the idea.
I can’t let another demon toy with my family.
“And how do you suppose we get past the little fact that demons can sense when we use our magic?” I ask him, genuinely curious to see what he comes up with for his answer.
“I know a spell to hide the effects of practicing magic,” he responds.
“You want to hide magic with more magic? You want to use magic on my son? Wow, Lincoln. You’ve got to be out of your mind. I just told you, we aren’t interested in any of this. There’s no way to control it. I’m not putting Soren at risk because of your ideas.” I’m ranting; I know it. I open my mouth to keep going, because I can’t stop the words from coming out.
“Elijah…” I hear Karina’s small voice interrupt me from the other side of the room, and my head immediately swings to where she is seated. A swirl of doubt crosses her face and she discreetly points her finger to where Soren is standing. I realize he never sat down. My head tilts back to look at his face, and I see the same thing I saw after we learned that Vara was a demon. The same self-doubt, sadness, and frailty I feel in myself. Just as I’m opening my mouth to speak once more, Marcel beats me to the punch.
“Soren, how do you feel about this?” Marcel asks, and my head jolts back to the side to watch Soren’s face. The two men lock eyes, and at first, the intensity of the look they share makes me uncomfortable. I feel like an outsider watching a father-son moment, but then I remember that Marcel stepped up and raised my son when Vara left him, and I feel nothing but gratitude for this moment between them.
“I…” Soren whispers, and I lean on the edge of my seat. I feel a pang of guilt hit me. This is the second time I’ve spoken for him, and the second time I’ve gotten it wrong.
Damn it.
But I can’t help but feel an argument coming on. This is magic we’re talking about. Twenty years asleep or not, Soren is still my son and I’m still his father. It’s my duty to protect him.
“Soren,” I say with warning in my voice.
“Dad,” he answers with no pause. His earlier uncertainty disappears, and I can tell he’s going to fight me on this one.
“You know this isn’t a good idea.” I notice Soren growing tenser at my words, but I keep going. He needs to hear t
his as much as I need to say it. I ignore the warning look in Marcel’s eye. “Magic, Soren? Really? After everything we’ve been through, you’re going to mess around with magic? You of all people know how dangerous it can be.” I pause for a moment, catching my breath. My chest is rising and falling rapidly, and I feel my thoughts getting more and more worked up in the silence that stretches between us.
Soren is quiet for a long moment, and when he finally opens his mouth, he shatters me.
“How would you know what I’ve been through?” he begins. I’m silent. My lips are cemented closed so thoroughly that even if a crowd of demons entered through the front door, no sound would escape. I feel like I’m laid in pieces where my feet used to be planted on the floor. Only I look down and see that my body is still firmly in place in my chair. I’m stuck in my silence and he keeps going.
“Twenty years… twenty years I’ve been on my own. You wouldn’t know what I’ve been through. You couldn’t understand. You. Weren’t. Here. I’m not a child anymore,” he spits. I’ve truly never seen Soren this upset, even as a young boy. Before this moment, I was unaware he felt any resentment for me being gone. Looking back, I feel so stupid for not seeing it, for not recognizing Soren’s level of pain. Of course, he’s not a child anymore. His decisions are his own to make. All of the progress, the I love yous we just exchanged before this meeting, feels lost. I’m just an unwelcome father butting in where he doesn’t belong in his son’s life.
“Soren…” I begin, searching frantically for words to explain myself, to make him see my side of things. He finally locks his eyes with mine and I see his face soften.
“Dad, look. I’m not angry with you, but this is what I want,” Soren says as he shakes the anger from his shoulders like he’s fluffing off snow. “If this can help in any way, you know I have to do it. You would do the same thing. I want to learn,” he finishes, his demeanor transforming with calm sureness I haven’t seen on him before.
I want to argue. It physically hurts me with how much I want to argue with my son, to tell him no.
I don’t.
Not this time.
Because he’s right. I would do the same thing. I would put everyone else before myself, knowingly walk into danger, and die. All if it meant I saved even one life. Soren is only doing exactly what I taught him to do, being who I taught him to be. I remind myself that Soren is much more sensitive than he lets on. I have to remember the little boy inside of him, the little boy I raised, and the little boy I knew.
“Fine, moving on.” I clear my throat, putting the discussion behind us.
“Scarlett found some interesting information about where Abe is going to be in about a week,” Karina speaks up, and I thank her with my eyes for changing the subject.
“Yes, I was doing some intel on one of the computers I took with me from the warehouse and I intercepted an email sent from one of the higher-ups to Abe’s closest advisor. He is supposed to be traveling this way soon.” Scarlett pushes up a pair of bright green-rimmed glasses as she looks up from her notes.
“Great, we’re going to need a lot more information on his trip, so I expect all of you to keep your eyes and ears peeled for anything you might come across,” I say to the group.
“We’ll keep tabs on all of our contacts,” Karina says.
“I can get some more ammo from a good friend at the warehouse.” Ted speaks this time, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “Any requests for weapons, you better speak now.” He pulls out a pen and a pad from his back pocket, ready to jot down requests.
“A flamethrower would be nice,” Micha says, and Ted smiles before he nods his head, scratching his pen to the paper.
“We’re going to need a lot more guns, and a lot more tracer bullets if we plan to take down all of these sons of bitches,” Marcels adds, awarded with the nods of just about everyone in the room.
“And lighters, matches, gasoline, flares, basically anything that will light a big fucking fire,” Micha says as he wraps his long arm around his wife. The moment of affection makes me look to Karina. I’m not surprised that she’s already looking at me.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Ted mutters as his pen moves furiously across the paper. “I’ll head out tomorrow morning to pick everything up.”
“If that will be all for now, I think I’ll go lay down for a bit,” Soren says as he turns to walk from the room. Before he disappears around the corner, he spins around to point at Lincoln. “You will meet me out back in two hours.” He’s gone before Lincoln has the chance to reply and everyone else has begun to move about, most likely to get some sleep as well. I peek through the window and notice the darkness growing quicker. I can only see one bright orange spot shining in the distance, the sun making its final goodbye before it leaves us for the night.
“Elijah, can I talk to you for a minute? Upstairs.” Karina speaks softly next to me and I fight the urge to scoop her up and press her against my body. I have been too chicken shit to tell her the truth. How I really feel. How being friends is not in the cards for us. I’m afraid.
“Of course,” I say, placing my hand on the small of her back and leading her up the staircase.
Once we reach the room, she plops down on the bed face down and groans. I’m surprised by her actions. She’s letting her guard down. Why?
“I hate that asshole, Lincoln,” she says after she sits up and angrily tucks her hair behind her ears. She’s obviously trying to break the ice. This is her peace offering and it’s adorable. She sits cross-legged on top of the comforter, a pillow in her lap. I smile at her anger seething through her beautiful face and I’m stuck with a frightening thought that brings me up short. Can you fall in love with someone when only days before, you were in love with someone else? To be fair, it has been twenty years since I last saw Vara, and I know that her betrayal has yet to hit me like it should. But still, to me it was just a few days ago that I kissed her and little Soren goodbye.
And even knowing all that, I can’t control the way my body feels lighter when I’m alone with Karina. I feel no guilt over that.
“Why are you staring at me?” she asks, turning shy. I hadn’t realized I was staring. When she blinks, I feel the boiling anger that comes in waves that I’ve felt constantly since I woke, subside. It’s like she literally reaches inside me and cuts the power to the heat.
“Because you’re beautiful.” I shrug in answer.
“No, Elijah. Please don’t. We’re supposed to be just friends.” She raises her hand to tell me to stop, but I move closer anyway and sit with her on the bed. It’s like my body isn’t under my control when she’s in the room.
“Why?” I ask, but before she can answer I continue. “Look, I know we both have our issues. I won’t pretend to know what yours are, and it’s probably clear that I haven’t had time to deal with Vara’s betrayal. But, I want to be around you. I want to know you. I have a lot of shit to work through, but it doesn’t seem so daunting when you’re around. Please don’t tell me to stop,” I beg. I don’t pretend that this is fair to ask. The knowledge of that doesn’t stop me. I want to know her; I like the way I feel around her. The world doesn’t feel so heavy.
“You want to know my story?” Karina asks, and I have to fight myself not to pounce on her and demand she tell me it all. Instead, I nod my head, gently pressing her to continue.
Karina licks her lips and takes a deep breath before delving deep into her past.
“I told you about my grandmother, the healer. She was the greatest person in my life…until the demons took her life, took her fire. I grew up living with her and my mother.” She pauses and laughs, though I’m sure what she has to say next isn’t the least bit funny. I hold my breath, waiting for her to continue.
“I’m not even sure if I should call the woman who gave birth to me my mother… When I was nine, she left us. She knew so much about magic, taught me every spell I know. We never practiced much, for fear that the flame would overtake me, but she made
sure I knew the words. Then, one day, she just packed up everything she had, loaded it into her car, and left. My grandmother was working at the Sicarri infirmary that day, much like she always did while working as a healer. My mother was supposed to be watching me. Instead, I watched her drive away and then sat in the driveway watching the road until my grandma got home. I remember that I stared at an ant trail for hours, wishing I could shrink down and be a part of what they had. Unity. I wanted that. We didn’t hear from my mother for a year, until she came back. Only she wasn’t my mother anymore. She returned with a demon and her skin had begun to change into a shadow-walker. She told me that she chose this, that she wanted our fire so she could become more powerful. Who knows the truth? Either way, I hated both of them. My grandmother sacrificed herself that day, so that I could get away. She told me to run, and I did. I hid behind the fence at the back of the house and watched as the demon killed my grandmother, and left me alone at ten to fend for myself in a world full of war and death. I haven’t trusted easily ever since. If my own mother could betray me, how can I hope that anyone else won’t?”
I am silent. I have nothing to say. What can I say? She laughs one tight, angry laugh and lifts her head to meet my gaze.
“I guess we have that in common. Being betrayed by those closest to us.” She pinches her lips between her teeth, which I’ve noticed is a sign of when she’s feeling too open, too bared to the world. I take my thumb and pull on the skin beneath her lower lip until her lip releases.
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t say that learning your wife was a liar is equivalent to watching your mother kill her mother,” I say. I’m humbled. My problems are just the start for some people. The demons are capable of so much worse.
“I hate them for everything they’ve done to us,” I continue. It’s the only thing I can say. Our mutual hatred bonds us. I bend down and kiss her lightly on the corner of her lips, then make my way to the other side and place another kiss there, where her dimple meets her cheek. She sighs softly, then sits up and walks out, much like she did the last time. Always running, that one.
