Berlin in November could get frigid, and this evening was a perfect example. The air temperature was near freezing, and while no snow had fallen yet, the potential was strong given the clouds that had been gathering all day.
“My mother would never allow it,” Erika said, pouting. “Pants are for men, she insists.”
That comment stabbed at Hilde’s heart. Yes, she loved wearing pant suits in winter, but she didn’t love her own mother’s lack of caring. As far as her mother was concerned, Hilde could leave the house stark naked and she wouldn’t oppose it.
“Hey, those fellows are awfully cute.” Erika nudged Hilde’s arm.
Hilde turned her head and made a face. “Those are boys, not men.”
“What are you talking about, Hilde?”
“They’re way too young and immature.”
“They’re about our ages,” Gertrud said.
“Precisely. Too young.” Hilde turned to enter the theater.
Erika giggled and asked, “So what are you looking for in a man?”
Hilde thought for a moment and then ticked the list off on her fingers. “Well, to begin with, he should be older and more mature than me. He should be self-confident enough to love me just the way I am. And most importantly, he should be willing to stick around and not leave me at the first hint of trouble.”
Where did that come from? Hilde was surprised at her own words. Why did she instantly assume someone would leave her?
“Is that all you’re looking for?” Erika teased.
Hilde shook her head. “No. He has to have strong principles. He needs to believe in what he does and be willing to stand up for it. I don’t want a man who bends at the first sign of adversity.”
Gertrude rolled her eyes and Erika giggled.
Hilde ignored them and went on. “I want someone who believes in the good of humanity and seeks to change the world to be a better place. A man with intelligence. Good looking. And a heart-melting smile.”
Erika and Gertrud burst out laughing. “You forgot broad shoulders and big biceps. Hilde, you need to accept reality. The man you’re looking for doesn’t exist.”
“What are you saying?” Hilde asked, looking between her two friends.
“There you go again, being naïve and idealistic.” Erika smiled at her and then confided, “I would unquestionably settle for a handsome man. Like your step-father, if he were twenty years younger. I’m so excited to see him on stage.”
The girls found their seats and Hilde’s smile faded as she listened to Gertrud echo Erika’s fascination with her step-father, Robert.
“He has such a fabulous voice, and he’s quite the charmer. Your mother is lucky to be married to such a handsome and glamorous man. His voice is to die for. Have you thanked him for the tickets?”
“Of course I did,” Hilde said. “He told me it was a pleasure for him, but unfortunately, he won’t be able to meet us after the performance, because he and Mother have to rush off to the premiere party.”
Her friends pouted, and the disappointment on their faces was obvious. Erika was the first one to talk again. “You’re such a lucky girl. Your step-father is a famous opera singer and your mother is one of the most modern moms around. She lets you do anything you want.”
Yes, she’s modern all right. So modern that she abandoned her baby girl to marry an opera singer. Hilde had never told either of her friends about her mother abandoning her when she was two years old. How she’d never felt her mother loved her. Or how she was jealous of Robert, because her mother obviously cared more for him than she did for her own daughter.
“The performance is about to start,” she said instead. Their conversation came to an end as the lights in the theater dimmed. Hilde kept her eyes trained on the stage, but her mind was caught up in memories.
She’d been two years old, and her father had been fighting at the frontlines of the Great War when her mother had met the famous opera singer and started an affair with him. Apparently the task of raising a two-year-old child was too much of a burden for her mother, because soon after moving in with Robert, she’d dropped Hilde off at her grandmother’s house.
Hilde had loved her grandmother dearly, but even living with a woman who’d showered her with love and acceptance hadn’t been able to dull the pain her mother had caused by abandoning her.
It wasn’t something a little girl could easily forget, and Hilde had made herself a solemn promise to never treat her own little ones so callously. She would never abandon them. I will always be there for my own children. They won’t have to grow up with their grandmother. And they’ll never doubt, not for an instant, my love for them.
That thought almost had her bursting out laughing. Just the thought of Marianne – or Annie, the name her mother preferred to be called nowadays – raising grandkids was ludicrous. And Emma? Her step-mom? They didn’t even talk to one another. Not since Hilde had left her father’s house after a row and moved in with her mother in Berlin two years ago. She’d burned her bridges and any hope of ever returning home to her father and his family.
She sighed, wishing she could do things over. Not leave in a fight. Experience the feeling of being loved again.
Thankfully, Erika grabbed her arm when young Figaro appeared on stage and brought Hilde’s mind back to more pleasurable things.
Chapter 8
Q took the tram into Berlin where he had rented a room in a friend’s apartment a few months ago. He was a frequent visitor to Berlin on the weekends and found staying there much easier than making the hour-long journey back to his place in Oranienburg after attending a cultural event or going out at night.
He’d known Jakob Goldmann since his days at university, when he had been a tutor for one of Jakob’s chemical engineering classes. Despite the age difference of six years, they had become fast friends.
After his PhD, Q had started working for Auer-Gesellschaft and moved to Oranienburg while Jakob was offered a job as a chemical engineer in a big company inside Berlin that produced synthetic materials. His friend was a bright young man and after just a few months on the job, he’d been moved up the ranks and now supervised a team of four workers.
Q pondered whether to use his key, but given it was a weekday and he usually only showed up on weekends, he knocked on the door instead. It was early evening and he smiled when Jakob opened the door. “Q! What are you doing here in the middle of the week?”
“Well, since I’m without a job, I decided to come talk to you about our idea,” he said while shaking his friend’s hand.
Jakob stepped back, ushering Q inside. “What do you mean you’re without a job?”
Q briefly filled his friend in and asked, “Are you still serious about starting up a chemical laboratory? About being self-employed?”
Jakob didn’t even hesitate. “I certainly am. Are you thinking we should finally stop talking and start doing things?”
Q grinned. “I can’t think of a better time. I have a lot of free time on my hands right now.”
“Coming here on a weekday certainly sounds like you have nothing else to do.”
“Come on.” Q boxed his friend’s shoulder. “You want it as much as I do.”
They both laughed. They’d been talking about their big plans for years, but due to the bad economic situation in Germany, it had never seemed the right time. Now might be perfect.
“How would we get started?” Jakob asked, gesturing for Q to have a seat on the couch.
Q plopped down and said, “Well, we’d need a laboratory space. And equipment.”
“There are some vacant buildings just past where I work. We could check there.”
“That sounds like a good idea. We’ll need two office rooms and a big lab. Or better, two. To separate different lines of experiments.”
“Yes. And I already know a few people who might give us work.” Jakob hopped up and down. They continued talking themselves into a state of excitement and Q could see the laboratory come to life in his mind.
State of the art equipment, newest technology, enough space to do whatever was required to find new solutions to old problems.
After a while, he disappeared into his room and came back with pen and paper to jot down their ideas.
“We can’t afford that,” Jakob murmured with sagging shoulders as he summed up the numbers Q had written down.
Staring at the staggering number at the bottom of the paper, Q swallowed hard and admitted, “Even if we use all of our combined savings, we don’t have enough to get started.”
Neither man was rich, but they had both lived well below their means while earning an excellent income from their jobs. Even without the benefit of a paycheck, Q’s royalties for having sold the commercial rights to several of his patents in the field of chemistry were more than enough to support him.
“Why don’t I visit my bank tomorrow morning and ask for a small-business loan?”
Jakob nodded. “It’s worth a try.”
***
“Doctor Quedlin, I’m sorry, but we’re unable to give you a loan at this time,” the bank employee said.
“What? Why? I have more than enough collateral to secure the loan…”
“It has nothing to do with that, I’m afraid.”
Q raised an eyebrow. “I don’t follow. Would you please explain why you are refusing my request?”
The bank employee looked uncomfortable and squirmed in his seat. “Doctor Quedlin, you are a valued client of our bank, but as you said yourself, you have recently quit your employment and are now depending solely on your royalty checks.”
“Which are more than enough to sustain me for the time being.” Q pointed to the business plan he’d drafted together with Jakob last night. “Then, with the income the laboratory will generate after an initial start-up phase of three months–”
“Doctor Quedlin, a new enterprise is risky and given the current economic situation in Germany, it’s not guaranteed you’ll be able to meet the credit payments.”
Q rolled his eyes. This wasn’t going the way he wanted it. “Mein Herr, the items we’ve already discussed as collateral more than meet the value of the money I’m seeking to borrow.”
“And several years ago, I would have been happy to finish the paperwork, but the policies of our bank have changed. We now need almost double the security for these types of loans.”
“I’ll visit another bank.”
“You’re free to do so, but they will give you the same answer. Due to the declining economy, no bank in Germany is in a position to take huge risks right now.”
Huge risks? He was asking for a modest loan of less than one year of Jakob’s and his combined income. But this bullheaded bank employee just didn’t understand. Taking a deep breath, he said, “If you need more securities, my business partner, Jakob Goldmann, should have more than enough.”
The bank employee thinned his lips. “I don’t believe that would be a wise call on your part at all.”
“And why is that?” Q folded his hands on his lap in an attempt to keep his calm.
“We prefer to do business with Germans.”
“Jakob is German.”
“Well, he may have acquired a German passport, but he is of Jewish descent.”
“You cannot be serious.” He all but jumped out of his seat and had the greatest urge to drag the arrogant man across the desk by his tie.
“I am very serious. In fact, I must warn you that continued association with those persons could lead to the seizure of your own accounts.”
“You would discriminate against a good citizen because of his race? That is a stupid policy. Awful in fact. All humans were created…”
Q stopped himself before he started a monologue about how ridiculous anti-Semitism was and how he truly believed that communism was a superior ideology. All people deserved to be valued the same and have the same rights, regardless of their race, ancestry, or even gender. No exceptions. But Q realized that those ideas weren’t very popular with the bank employee – or the police, he reminded himself – and kept his mouth shut.
“Doctor Quedlin, are you affiliated with the Communist Party?”
Q shook his head. “No. I’m not affiliated with anyone.”
“Then I would strongly advise you to be careful about your statements. If Hitler becomes chancellor, as everyone here hopes, he will make Germany a better and stronger country. He has some very progressive ideas.”
“If one wants to believe that, then that is one’s prerogative.”
The bank employee gave him a hard look. “Might I remind you that I have the ability to freeze your account if you insist on supporting the wrong side of the law.”
Q closed his eyes for a moment, seeking patience and calm. It was better to keep silent for the moment. He thanked the bank employee and returned to Jakob’s apartment.
“How did it go?” his friend asked the moment he walked in the door that evening.
“Not good. I don’t have enough security for the loan, and when I mentioned you, I was basically threatened with having my accounts seized.”
Jakob turned his face away, but Q knew his friend well enough to feel his pain when he answered, “Well, maybe we should wait until the economy bounces back.”
“Maybe.” Q sank down onto the couch, a frown marring his brow. “There’s more to it than our plans to become self-employed.”
“What else has you worried, my friend?”
“You.”
“Me?” Jakob finally turned around, and Q didn’t like what he read in his friend’s eyes. Fear. Shame. Denial.
“Yes. The bank employee’s attitude reminded me of how much anti-Semitism is growing in this country. I’m afraid it’s going to get much worse.”
“I think you’re overdramatizing the situation. People are rational beings. Homo economicus. They will never follow Hitler’s outrageous ideas. This is just a temporary situation.”
“You and I we both know the homo economicus is a myth, an idea that works in theory, but not in real life. People flock to Hitler’s ideas of renewed grandeur, and they will use anyone and anything as scapegoats if it helps them escape their own misery.” Q jumped up and paced the room, running his hand through his short blond curls.
Suddenly, he stopped and planted himself an arm’s-length distance from Jakob. “Leave the country!” He nearly shouted the words.
His friend stared wide-eyed at him. “Leave my home?”
“Yes. Leave now. You’re twenty-three and have your entire life before you. You’re young, bright, and graduated in chemistry. You speak fluent Polish, English, and German. You should have no trouble finding a job anywhere in Europe or abroad.”
“Now, you’re overreacting, Q. I don’t want to leave Berlin. My parents love it here. And with my mother’s heart condition, I don’t think she can handle another relocation.” The entire Goldmann family had emigrated to Germany from Poland sixteen years ago during the Great War.
“Your parents don’t have to go.”
Jakob’s mouth fell open. “I don’t want to leave them alone. Things will get better. You’ll see.”
Q shook his head. “Perhaps. If the economy gets better soon and this great depression doesn’t worsen, it might get better.”
“I hope it happens sooner than later,” Jakob replied.
Q admired the hope his friend espoused, but his gut feeling told him otherwise. A better economy wouldn’t be enough. Nor would it come soon enough. Not by a long shot.
Chapter 9
After realizing that his own laboratory wasn’t a possibility right then, Q spent many hours thinking about how to best make his stand for peace and a livable future.
He’d been fond of Russia since the October Revolution in 1917. More than once, he’d admired the benefits the Russian people gained once Lenin and the Bolsheviks took over from the autocratic Tsarist regime. But since then little progress had happened. Russia was still mostly rural and needed help to industrialize the country in an effort to make
it a power for peace in the future.
Giving all his technical knowledge to the Russian people would be a first step in empowering them to become an industrialized nation. But he had to be careful. During the last years, Germany had become a place where fear and suspicion reigned. Everyone kept to themselves these days, and conversations about the future or viewpoints opposing the mainstream were held exclusively behind closed doors, rather than on the street corners. And in very select company.
One day, he met with a few former fellow students he knew to be fond of the ideas of communism. They were congregating under the guise of a literature club, and everyone had to bring a book to each meeting. Today’s topic was the literature of Leopold Tolstoy.
After everyone had arrived, the doors to the classroom were shut, and they soon started a heated discussion about current politics and the threat the Nazis posed to life as they knew it.
“But how can we help Mother Russia?”
Q raised his voice. “The best place to start would be in helping Russia defend herself. It’s essential to industrialize and militarize Russia in an effort to protect the country from the evil invasions of neighboring countries.”
“That is true. With Russia’s vast natural resources and land, many other countries are jealous and would love nothing more than to take some of it for themselves.”
“Like Japan,” said Kurt, a man with bushy black brows.
“And Hungary or Poland,” added Reinhard, a man old enough to be Q’s grandfather.
Wilfried held out a hand. “Don’t forget Turkey and Austria.”
“And Germany,” Q said, and everyone stared at him. “Come on, fellows. Our country is not beyond taking land during a war. Haven’t we started war after war for land and resources?”
“You’re right,” Kurt agreed. “In the past, everyone who wanted land took it by force. And whoever owned land had to protect it with the blood of its people to keep it. But communism will change this. Humans will realize that they can live in peace, and everyone can still own enough to eat one’s fill and be happy.”
Unrelenting: Love and Resistance in Pre-War Germany Page 4
