by Komal Kant
Hold onto me, don’t let me go
It’s taken too long to know
Who I am, what I want
But I know it starts with you
Awake, asleep
You’re the only one I seek
I know, I’m sure
That you make my knees weak
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
So don’t ever let me go
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
And I don’t know how I’ll let go
Lincoln glanced down at me, his eyes smoldering. It felt like Eddie’s song perfectly described the way Lincoln and I felt for each other.
I leaned into Lincoln’s chest and inhaled his musky scent as his grip on me tightened. We were two people who hadn’t wanted to fall in love, yet somehow we’d found each other. Like it was meant to be, like we were exactly where we were supposed to be in this moment.
The days they slip away
And still I can’t convey
The feelings I cannot show
But I can’t let them go
If you find yourself falling
I’m here to raise you up
I’m your shoulder to lean on
And I’ll never give you up
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
So don’t ever let me go
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
And I don’t know how I’ll let go
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
So don’t ever let me go
‘Cos’ I’m hopelessly falling for you
And I don’t know how I’ll let go
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ashton move in my direction. Glancing up, I saw her watching Lincoln and me. Her expression wasn’t as harsh as it had been earlier on; she had a sad smile on her face which confused the heck out of me.
“I’ll be back soon,” Lincoln whispered in my ear, his fingers threading through my hair as he spoke.
“Okay, sure,” I said, wondering where he was going.
He gave me a reassuring smile and then nodded at Samantha who stood up to join him. As I watched the two of them walk out of the bar, I couldn’t help but feel like there was something major I was missing out on.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lincoln
The chill air bit at my skin as Sammy and I stood outside the bar, hugging ourselves as we tried to keep warm.
The streets were all but deserted, so different to what New York City would be like at this time on a Friday night. They’d be teeming with people, too absorbed by their own lives to worry about anyone else’s.
It was funny that I’d wanted to escape that life and come here to hide away. Now that I was actually here, I realized how stupid I’d been in thinking that I could isolate myself in this town. The people here were nosier, more curious, more interested in what was going on in your life. I would’ve found more isolation in Times Square than I’d ever find here.
Sure, it was a hell of a lot quieter here, but people and relationships were what I’d been trying to leave behind in New York. I’d failed miserably at that.
“How are you, Link?” Sammy asked, tilting her head to the side as she studied me. She was giving me the same look that everyone back home had given me. It was a mixture of pity and relief.
Pity for me. Relief that they weren’t in my position.
I shrugged, scuffing at the ground with a shoe. “I’m fine.”
“Hmm,” Sammy said, her eyes still holding the same look—the look she reserved only for me. “Are you happy here? Is it what you hoped it would be?”
“Sometimes,” I said, rubbing the side of my head with a finger. “It’s nice here—peaceful—but the peace gives me too much time to think. Sometimes I miss the noise of the big city.”
“Sometimes the big city misses you too.” Sammy’s voice broke a little and she looked away as if to collect herself before speaking again. “Does Hadie know about what’s going on with you? Why you left New York?”
I took a deep breath and shook my head, not meeting her gaze. I didn’t want to see the truth in them. I wasn’t ready to face what Sammy was about to say to me. I knew it’d been brewing on the surface all night as she watched Hadie and me together. My body was tense, already anticipating what was about to come.
“Have you gone completely insane?” she demanded, her voice rising with every word. “Have you lost all common sense? How can you not tell her what’s going on with you? How can you look her in the eye and act like everything is fine?”
I sighed and buried my head in my hands.
Goddammit. Motherfucking piece of crap.
Sammy was relentless. “Dammit, Link! I love you, you know that, but what you’re doing is wrong! You can’t lead her on like this! You can’t give her hope. You need to tell her the truth. She deserves that at the very least. She deserves to know the truth.”
When I finally gathered the courage to look up at my best friend, I found her staring at me with a melancholy expression on her face. At least her anger had died down for the most part. I knew what she was saying was right, but I was such a goddamn coward that I couldn’t tell the girl I loved what was really going on.
I was scared—scared I’d lose her, scared that she’d hate me for keeping this from her, scared that she’d never want to see me again. And I was selfish, too. Because I didn’t want to lose her. Ever.
“Come here.” I held out my arms and Sammy stepped into them. Crushing her against my chest, I rested my chin on the top of her head. “You’re right. You’re right about everything. I promise I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her everything tonight. Before it’s too late.”
Sammy nodded and looked up at me. Her face was streaked with tears and there were more welling up in those pretty blue eyes of hers. “I love you, Lincoln. I love you so much. I just want you to know that.”
Inhaling her sweet perfume, I planted a kiss on her forehead. “I love you too, Samantha. I always will.”
***
We made our way back into the bar after Sammy’s tears had dried. She held onto my hand like she was afraid to let go, as though letting go would make me slip away forever.
It felt good to be so close to her. She was like a little piece of New York City right here in Statlen. Her smile and her bright eyes brought back memories of the hours we’d spend aimlessly wandering the city, always discovering something new.
Skeptic Coil had finished performing and I noticed that the guys from the band were standing by our table, their groupies milling around behind them.
“Lincoln,” Hadie said, waving me over when she caught sight of me, “this is Eddie, Riley, and Luca, from the band.”
They each nodded at me, and I nodded back, studying them each in turn. The lead singer, Luca, had an arm wrapped around Ashton. Up close I had an even better view of all the tattoos that laced his arms. I’d always wanted to get a tattoo but I absolutely hated needles so it was something I would never put myself through.
“How’d we do, Ashy?” Luca asked, grinning down at her.
Ashton’s eyes were shining as she looked up at him. “You guys were amazing. I didn’t even have to use my earplugs this time.”
They made an interesting couple; the punk rocker and the pretty blonde. They were probably an anomaly in this small town. Did Hadie and me stick out like that? Did everyone wonder what a smart, funny girl like Hadie was doing with a jock-type guy like me?
The Riley guy, who had blue streaks running through his hair, did a double take. “Wait, what? You wear earplugs when we perform?”
Ashton winked at him as everyone laughed. Riley mumbled something under his breath and looked back at a red-headed girl standing a few feet away from him. She rolled her eyes at him before pulling him away from the rest of the group.
“Thanks for inviting us,” I said to Eddie as I wrapped my arms around Hadie from behind. She leaned back against my chest and I felt her relax. “You guys
were great.”
Eddie had a lot of piercings on his ears, but what stood out most was the lip ring he was toying with as he glanced uncertainly between Hadie and me. “Uh…thanks. We’re playing here again next month. You guys should come out and see us.”
He glanced over at Ashton, and I noticed her shake her head slightly. She turned her sky blue eyes onto Hadie and me and smiled. “I didn’t know you two were dating. How long has it been?”
“About two weeks,” Hadie said, her voice soft. “We kept it pretty quiet.”
She twisted her neck to smile up at me, and I noticed Eddie look away from us with a frown. It suddenly hit me what was really going on here. Eddie had invited Hadie to come and watch his band perform because he liked her. That song he’d written was about Hadie; it’d been about falling for her. Ashton was asking these questions for Eddie, making him aware that Hadie wasn’t single.
I actually felt bad for Eddie for mistakenly thinking that Hadie was single. It wasn’t his fault that he liked her. Hadie was a pretty easy girl to like and spending time with her at work had obviously made him fall for her. Hadie, in her own naïve way, didn’t realize how Eddie felt for her.
Sometimes there were girls that you’d see five guys fighting over, but you couldn’t figure out why that girl was so special. Like that Ashton girl. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure she had her good qualities, but guys like Derek and Rick fell over themselves for her because of the way she looked.
With Hadie it wasn’t like that at all. She wasn’t unattractive by any means; she was beautiful in her own way, but in comparison to someone like Sammy or Ashton, she probably didn’t realize that she was just as beautiful as they were.
What drew Eddie, Bennett, and me to Hadie was her personality. Hadie was a girl of substance. She thought for herself, she stood her ground and she really cared about people. That’s what made her so attractive; the fact that she was so unaffected by the popularity game. She had the ability to make you laugh and to poke fun at herself. That’s what made her different—that’s why she stood out.
Not wanting to rub it in Eddie’s face any longer, I released Hadie and turned to my friends. “I wanted to spend some time with Hadie before it got too late. Do you guys remember the way back to my house?”
They looked around at each other, and Sammy nodded. “I remember the way back, don’t worry.”
“Okay, I’ll see you guys back there.”
“See ya, man.” Derek looked glum, probably because he hadn’t scored with Ashton or anyone else yet.
“We might stick around here for a bit longer,” Rick added.
I knew that meant that they were going to get Neil, who had a fake I.D, to get them some alcohol while they found a couple of girls to hook up with.
Sammy gave me a meaningful look as Hadie and me walked past and I knew what that look meant. She wanted me to tell Hadie the truth tonight.
We said our good-byes and then Hadie and me walked outside into the cold. I wrapped my arm around her until she unlocked the car and we got in, getting some relief from the biting cold.
Hadie was quiet as she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. She didn’t say anything, just kept on driving, and I was grateful for the silence. It gave me time to figure out how I was going to tell her everything.
There was a lot on my mind and there was a lot I wanted to tell Hadie, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. Still, it had to happen and tonight was a night as good as any.
I turned to look at Hadie and saw that her brow was puckered and that she had her bottom lip caught in her teeth as she scanned the road ahead of her. I’d never seen her so upset or distracted before. Not since I’d first met her, but after I’d broken through her defenses she’d always been warm and happy. Now, it looked as though she wanted to do nothing more than break down and cry.
Finally, Hadie pulled over on the side of the road. I had no idea where we were. In the darkness, all the trees looked the same to me. That’s not to say that I’d know where we were if it’d been daylight. Either way, I was a lost boy in a lone town.
“I really missed you this week,” Hadie said, looking up at me with glistening eyes.
Shit. She was crying.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I reached over and pulled her into my arms. “What’s wrong? What happened to you? Was what Becky said true? Did Bennett hassle you at school?”
Hadie took a deep breath and nodded. “H-he told me about him and Lana.”
My heart clenched. Him and Lana? What was that supposed to mean? Did Lana do something with that douchebag?
“Tell me everything.”
And she did; all the while crying as her heart broke over her best friend’s betrayal. She told me how she’d confronted Lana, who hadn’t denied a thing; how she had looked relieved that Hadie finally knew the truth. What shocked me the most was that Lana had been the one vandalizing Hadie’s locker. The girl was a nasty piece of work if she could so easily choose a guy over her best friend.
Lana had avoided Hadie for the rest of the week while Mariah and Estella had taken Hadie’s side. Understandably, Hadie was upset with Mariah for not telling her what was going on behind her back but Mariah was being her stubborn self and refusing to give up on their friendship.
“Ray said that Lana wanted to be the one to tell me,” Hadie said quietly, her eyes downcast. “But I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. Does that make me a bitch?”
Sometime during our conversation I’d pulled Hadie all the way onto my lap in an effort to comfort her and now she sat curled up against my chest, absently playing with the fabric of my shirt with a finger.
“You’re not a bitch,” I reassured her, pressing my lips against her soft hair. “It’s normal to feel like this, to be distrusting of her, but think about how Mariah would’ve been feeling too. She was caught in the middle of her best friends with a knowledge that was going to destroy both of you. So she gave Lana a chance to come clean, but Lana never did because by then you’d already caught Bennett making out with someone else. So Mariah never told you, and Lana probably didn’t see any reason to since you’d already broken up with Bennett.”
“Just because I broke up with Bennett doesn’t make it okay what Lana did to me.” Hadie’s tone was cold—all trace of warmth had disappeared. “Friends don’t do that to each other. We’ve always been there for each other…why would she do this to me?” Hadie’s voice broke and I could tell that the coldness was really a front to cover up how devastated she was.
I grasped her tighter around the waist, pulling her closer to me, wanting to fix everything for her. “No, Lana should never have done that to you, but don’t knock yourself over it. Shit happens, Hadie. Life happens. If we sat around trying to figure out why things happen then we’d get absolutely nowhere. Sometimes it’s just best to accept what happens and move on. Give life the middle finger and say, ‘Fuck you. I’m not giving into your games.’ You know what I mean?”
Hadie stared at me, her eyes unreadable, masked by the darkness. “Fuck you? I’m not giving into your games?” Her voice was timid, her words more like a question.
I nodded, a smile spreading across my face. “Yeah, but a little louder, Hades, or no one in the Underworld will hear you. You’re an intelligent, confident, independent woman and you don’t let anyone tell you what to do. So scream it out. Fuck you! I’m not giving into your games!”
I pulled away from Hadie and opened up the door of the car, letting the cold air in. Carefully, I climbed out of the car, taking her with me. Once we were outside, I placed her on her feet. “Go on, give it a try. Yell it out to the world.”
Hadie looked uncertain as she stared around as if to make sure no one was there. Then she cleared her throat. “Fuck you! I’m not giving into your games!”
She looked embarrassed as she turned to me and I laughed. “Nice try, but that’s not going to scare a mouse. Close your eyes.”
She immediately did as I said.
�
��Good. Now, feel it in here.” I reached out and placed a hand on the center of her chest. “Feel all the anger, the frustration, the lies, the bullshit building up in here.”
Hadie was quiet, her face wrought with numerous emotions as she focused on what I was telling her to do. I could tell she really was feeling all the pain she’d been through the last several weeks.
“Now, feel it working its way up. It wants to leave you, so you’re going to let it. Feel it bubbling at the surface, in your throat, in your mind, in every part of you.” She was still, holding her breath, waiting for the release. “Let it all out. Scream at the top of your lungs. Fuck you! I’m not giving into your games!”
“FUCK YOU! I’M NOT GIVING INTO YOUR GAMES!” All the tension left Hadie’s face as she unleashed her stress and emotions into the vacant space around her. “You’re not going to own me anymore! I am never going to give in!” Her voice bounced around in the darkness, never falling on anyone’s ears except ours.
Hadie was breathing heavily, her face assuming a more neutral expression as she slumped against the hood of the car and bent forward, grasping herself around the knees. Already, I could tell that it was working, that she’d put a hundred percent into screaming out her frustrations.
I let her revel in the peace that followed such an outburst. I’d been through all this before, shouting from the rooftop of our New York apartment. It’d felt like I was shouting at the world, telling them to get fucked and leave me the hell alone. I’d always feel better afterwards and I knew Hadie would too.
Hadie looked up at me as though she’d sensed me thinking about her. She seemed a lot more relaxed as she smiled at me, and my heart pounded faster as we stared at each other in the darkness.
“You knew that would work,” she stated.
“I did.”
“You’ve done this before.”
