by Komal Kant
I wasn’t equipped to handle something like this. There were no guide books with step-by-step instructions and diagrams that told you on how to deal with moments in life like this. It was one of those things that you had to figure out yourself, and I was yet to figure out any of it.
Mom shifted around in her seat. “Are you sure the cancer’s not treatable? There’s chemo…”
I shook my head. “Lincoln told me the cancer’s spread too far. He stopped radiation therapy and chemotherapy months ago. The doctors gave him a year to live…” I choked on the last few words and covered my face as fresh tears fell from my eyes.
Two sets of chairs scraped against the floor and my parents got up and walked over to my side of the table. They wrapped their arms around my shuddering frame and held me.
“I…I don’t know…what to…do. H-how to…act around him.” My voice was shaking just as badly as I was.
“Do you know how Lincoln wants you to act around him?” Dad asked, smoothing back my hair.
“He wants me to treat him the exact same way as I did before I found out about…his illness.” It was too difficult to say ‘cancer’ so I avoided saying it. “But I don’t know how to do that. Every time I see him, all I’m going to think about is how much he’s suffering and how he won’t be around for much longer.”
Mom placed a finger under my chin and lifted my head. “If that’s what Lincoln wants, if that’s how he wants to be treated, then you need to respect his wishes. It can’t be easy for him to go through this. He’s so young, so wonderful, and he has a whole life ahead of him that he will never be able to experience. You have to support his decision and be there for him.”
I nodded, mutely. Mom was right, of course. No matter what happened, I would support Lincoln and stand by him. He needed me and I needed him. I wouldn’t look at him with sympathy; I would look at him with love. That’s what he deserved. He deserved the world and he deserved life, but if those were things that weren’t possible for him then I would try to be there for him in whatever way he needed me.
“It’s just so hard to look at him,” I finally said.
“I know, sweetie,” Dad said, squeezing my shoulder. “But life wasn’t meant to be easy. The things that are difficult to go through are the things that make us stronger. This will make you stronger. As hard as it is, you will get through it because you are already so strong. Your strength will carry you through the pain.”
***
Lincoln had wanted to meet up on Sunday before school, so I’d picked him up and we’d gone to the lake because the lake had kind of become “our spot” and our go-to place whenever we wanted to be somewhere peaceful.
His friends had left for New York earlier that morning and Lincoln hadn’t wanted to stick around in his empty house with his mom.
As we lay in the long grass, just basking in the beauty and silence that surrounded us, Lincoln turned to me and propped himself up on an elbow.
I glanced over at him, swallowed the lump that formed at the sight of him, and gave him a forced smile. “What’s on your mind?”
Lincoln shrugged a shoulder and looked away, his eyes scanning the lake and then the thick woods surrounding it. “I’m just thinking about how much I like it here. It’s so peaceful—I never want to leave.”
The lump forced its way to my throat again and I blinked back tears. Lincoln wanted me to act like nothing was wrong with him and as hard as it was, I had to do it. I could understand that he didn’t want to be sad and depressed about his illness, but it took me a while to process things and let go of them.
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I simply reached across the grass and held his hand. What I really wanted to talk about was his illness, but I knew it was a subject that he had long ago exhausted and probably didn’t want to revisit with me.
Lincoln heaved a sigh. “Go on, spit it out already, Hades. What’s bugging you? You can hide behind your fake smiles and the drawn out silences, but I know when something’s on your mind. I can practically hear your brain working from all the way over here.”
His voice startled me, and I felt my face heat up. Lincoln knew me too darn well. I could never keep my feelings hidden from him.
I plucked a strand of grass and began twirling it between my fingers, wondering where to start. “Um, I guess I want to know how your friends reacted when they found out. How your health is…how you’re feeling. What the deal with your parents and your sister is. I mean, I completely understand if you don’t want to talk about those things because of personal reasons or um…you know, because you don’t know me well enough or…”
“Hades. Stop rambling.” Lincoln sat up straight and grasped my hands. He tilted his head to the side, a pained expression on his face. “I know you very well and I want to share everything with you, but you need to slow down. Ask me one question at a time or I’ll forget them all.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, biting my lip as a flood of embarrassment hit me. I took a deep breath and when I was feeling more composed, asked him my first question. “How are you feeling? Are you in a lot of pain?”
A shadow passed over Lincoln’s face, and I began to regret asking him that obvious question. Well, duh. Of course he was in a lot of pain. I was a complete moron.
“It was easier to put up with it in the early stages.” Lincoln stared straight into my eyes as he spoke, his gaze unwavering. “But the pain got worse and worse as the days went on. I’m on very strong painkillers, but it doesn’t always help. There are bad days and better days, but it’s steadily getting worse. Next question?”
I wet my lips, struggling to form words. Lincoln was so direct and so composed with his answers that I looked like a bumbling fool in comparison. My composure was all over the place.
“Uh…why are your parents and Becky so distant towards you? If I was in your position, I know that my parents would move Heaven and Earth for me.”
“My parents have moved Heaven and Earth for me. I wanted a new life, away from the noise of New York, and they uprooted their lives to give me what I wanted. That’s why Becky is so mad at me. She hates that I made us move to a small town in our senior year away from her friends and her stupid popularity. My parents resent me for refusing treatments and for gaining a backbone after I became sick.”
I leaned forward, my interest peaked. “A backbone? What do you mean?”
Lincoln looked away and ran a hand through his hair. He was the one who looked embarrassed now. “You’ve met my friends; you must’ve gotten some idea of what I was like before all this.”
I nodded, but didn’t say anything. I knew exactly what he was talking about and, yes, the thought had crossed my mind a few times since meeting them. Samantha seemed to be a Queen Bee, and Rick, Derek and Neil were all jocks. So what had that made Lincoln?
“I’m ashamed to admit that I was exactly like Bennett before this happened to me. I was a player and I was a complete ass. I made fun of anyone I thought was a loser. I was a horrible guy. You would’ve hated me.” He gave me a hesitant smile. “I changed after I got sick, though. I began to think more about life and why this had happened to me. I finally came to terms with all the horrible shit I’d done to other people. This was my bad karma for the way I’d treated others and for the way I’d stood idly by and let things just happen.”
“Hey, don’t ever say that again,” I said, fixing him with a firm look. “You don’t deserve any of this. Not a single thing. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I know you’re a good person. I can feel it when I’m with you. It’s what drew me to you. It doesn’t matter who you used to be. It matters who you are now.”
Lincoln smiled at that and gave my hand a squeeze before continuing. “Well, after I got sick I grew a backbone. I started standing up to my Mom and her bullshit. Even after everything that I was going through, she never changed herself. She’s still narrow-minded and judgmental and I don’t think she’ll ever change. I’d known for a while that she was sleeping wit
h my dad’s best friend.”
My eyes widened at this information, but I didn’t interrupt him.
“I was done with her hypocrisy and the way she acted like she could do no wrong, so I told my dad what was going on behind his back. And you know what he did? Not a damn thing. He didn’t get mad, he didn’t leave; he just sat there and did nothing. I mean, who does that?”
Lincoln faltered and pressed his eyes shut. I rubbed his arm to comfort him, but I knew that nothing could really make him feel better when it came to his family. His relationship was rough with them and it probably always would be.
He opened his eyes and gave me a tense smile. “What else do you want to know?”
“About your friends. How did they react when they found out about you?” I asked without hesitation.
“I think it hit Samantha and Neil the hardest. Derek and Rick were bummed about it, but they drowned their problems with alcohol and sex. They’re typical guys—they don’t like to talk about feelings or sensitive topics. As for everyone else, well, they started to look at me differently. I hated the stares, the whispering, the looks people gave me. Some people were sympathetic and others acted like I deserved it. Oh, and my girlfriend dumped me.”
My mouth fell open. “Your girlfriend?” Lincoln had never talked about his exes much, so I had no idea that he’d been dating when he’d gotten sick.
He nodded, but didn’t seem bothered by it. “Yeah, she dumped me because I wasn’t having sex with her anymore.”
“You weren’t well!” I cried, balling up my fists. “How could she do that to you?”
He shrugged. “All she cared about was being popular, so she started dating someone else. We tried to be friends for a while, but it wasn’t working out. I was moody and boring and she wanted to be away from it all.”
“That bitch.” The words came out before I could stop myself, and I clamped my hands over my mouth and looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that! I don’t know her, but she just doesn’t seem like a nice person.”
“She’s not, but I couldn’t give a damn about her anymore,” Lincoln said, pulling me into his arms and brushing his lips against my forehead. “Now that I have you, none of that pettiness seems to matter anymore. You numb some of the pain that I feel. You’re my personal supply of morphine.”
I burst out laughing at that. “Wow, that was so cheesy, it was sweet.”
Lincoln joined in, his laughter deep, which set my stomach squirming. “Yeah, that was pretty lame, huh? But seriously, I need to tell you something.”
I nodded to let him know that I was listening.
He gripped my hand tighter as he began to speak. “Sometimes there is a single moment that changes your life forever. After that moment nothing feels the same anymore. You try to get back into your normal routine, but something is different, something's changed. Finally, you realize that everything is just the same as it always was. The only thing different is you. Hadie, you are that moment…and you have changed me. Forever.”
My heart swelled at his words and I felt tears sting my eyes even though I’d promised myself that I would try not to cry in front of Lincoln anymore. When Lincoln saw the moisture dripping down my face, he hugged me tighter.
Despite the sadness that hung in the air, this was a moment to remember, holding him like this. These moments in life were fleeting—they were precious.
I planted a firm kiss on his lips before pulling away. “I have one more question.”
“You always have questions.”
“Yes, but this one is important.”
He was silent, waiting for me to continue.
“Do you have a bucket list or is there anything you really want to do before you…?” I trailed off, but he understood my meaning.
Lincoln stared off into the distance, a muscle working in his jaw. “I wish I’d done more in my life. Helped more people, given back somehow. I haven’t done anything significant in my life.”
I clasped his hand in mine, making him look at me. “Don’t say that. Your life is worth something. It’s worth a lot. You have helped me more than you’ll ever know.”
He smiled, but he still looked sad. Then something in his eyes sparked up, like a fuse being lit, and he sat up straighter. “There is one thing I’d really like to do. My mom’s gonna hate it though.”
The thought only made his smile grow.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lincoln
Estella stared at us like we were batshit crazy as we stood outside the large building, waiting for Hadie’s mom.
“Are you guys sure about this?” she asked, twisting a strand of her honey brown hair around a finger. “I mean, if Lincoln’s parents aren’t alright with it then maybe it’s not such a good idea.”
“Relax, Estee,” Hadie said, breezily, “My parents are fine with it if Lincoln’s parents aren’t.” She conveniently left out the part where we both knew that my parents wouldn’t be fine with it.
Estella sighed and went back to fiddling with her long hair. “I hope your mom gets here soon. My dad is going to freak if I’m not home in an hour.”
“Don’t worry, you will be,” Hadie said, and then squealed. “She’s here!”
Hadie ran over to the car that was pulling up beside us and waited for her mom to get out. The two of them walked over to Estella and me as Mrs. Swinton smiled sadly in my direction.
Mrs. Swinton gave Estella a quick hug and then, to my surprise, gave me one too. When she stepped back, she looked a little sad. “So, what’s the plan of action, kiddos?”
“We go inside, get what Lincoln wants and get out of there,” Hadie told her.
Mrs. Swinton nodded. “Right. Good plan.”
The four of us went inside, Estella taking the lead, and were met by a guy who looked around our age. He was sitting behind the counter looking bored as he played on his phone.
He glanced up, that bored expression still on his face until his eyes fell on Estella. Suddenly, his entire demeanor changed and he sat up straighter. He was grinning by the time we reached him.
“Estella! I didn’t expect to see you here today! What can I do for you?”
Estella gave him a smile which would have most guys on their knees. There wasn’t anything seductive about the way she was acting—she was being genuinely nice, but guys probably fell over themselves based on her looks. Just like this guy was.
“Hi, Wilson. My friends want to adopt a dog. Do you mind if I show them around?” She nodded at Hadie and me. “And would you be able to throw in a few free things? Collar, bowl, leash, that sort of thing?”
Even as we stood here, I could hear the sounds of dogs barking, howling and whining as though they’d heard our arrival. I was already starting to feel bad for the poor animals that got stuck in here with no home to go to.
Wilson nodded as if he couldn’t believe that Estella had asked him for a favor. I’m pretty sure the guy would have offered to lick the ground if she’d asked him with a smile.
I watched Estella to see if she noticed his reaction, but she had already turned to us and seemed oblivious to the effect she was having on the poor guy.
“Follow me,” Estella said, waving Hadie and me over. She gave the guy a quick nod. “Thanks, Wilson.”
“Y-you’re welcome.” His gaze lingered on Estella which she failed to notice.
As we followed Estella through a door, I bent my head closer to Hadie’s. “Does Estella know the effect she has on guys?”
Hadie shook her head. “Not at all. Her father is very strict so she’s not allowed to date, but even if she was I don’t think she would.”
“She’s not allowed to date?” I echoed in disbelief.
“Nope. But you know what’s even stranger? Her older brother has a girlfriend and her younger sister is allowed to have a boyfriend. Just not her.”
I watched Estella as she walked ahead of us, wondering what her deal was. “That’s really weird.”
Be
fore Hadie could elaborate, Estella turned to us and motioned for us to enter through another door. This one was metal with vertical bars lining it. Beyond it was an endless row of wire cages.
The noise from the dogs was louder now and a feeling of pity crept into my chest and sat there, making me uncomfortable.
“Is there a particular breed you were looking to adopt?” she asked, shutting the door behind us. “And did you want a male or a female?”
The thought had never crossed my mind. I’d kind of thought that I’d just know which dog was meant to be mine. Like it was here waiting for me.
“I don’t really have a preference,” I said with a shrug.
Estella looked thoughtful. “Well, in that case I should mention that a few of the dogs will be put down in a couple of days. They’re only kept for two weeks due to the volume of strays we get coming in here.”
“That’s so sad,” Hadie said, clutching my arm.
It was sad, but it was just the way things worked. Nothing lasted forever. One day, everything had to come to an end.
Something passed across Estella’s face for a few seconds, but then she bit her lip and turned away. “I’ll show you the urgent dogs first but if none of them is what you’re looking for then feel free to pick a different dog. Either way, they all need to go to good homes.”
I nodded, and we followed Estella into the large room that had a grey concrete floor and walls. The surroundings were pretty dismal and only lowered my spirits.
The barking grew louder with each step we took. Most of the dogs jumped up against their metal prisons to greet us. Some began barking to get our attention, and a small few simply lay there and stared as we walked past—maybe because they had already seen so many people come and go.
“Here we are,” Estella said, stopping by the cages at the very end and checking the clipboards attached outside each cage. “These three are scheduled to be put down on Tuesday.”
I stared at the three dogs, frowning. There was a white bi-eyed Siberian Husky, a tan Chihuahua and a small brown dog with stubby legs.
