“No worries. Thanks for cleaning it.”
“Of course.”
“Think we should take off tomorrow? Or lay low?”
Lu wrapped his good arm around her.
“I think we should go to the sea. Once more. Then we can do whatever we want.”
“Lulu, I feel like—”
“What? Time is short?”
“Yes.”
“It is. That’s why the sea is important. Will you go with me?”
“Gladly.”
She knew what he was asking, and it wasn’t just to go to the sea. It was Something Important, something Of Worth. He was asking her what she had been asked a million different times by a million different men who never meant it. She had never said yes. But Lu, he was different. He was where she wanted to be forever.
They slept in, and the sun was already glaring when they staggered into the motel’s parking lot.
“Only a few more hours,” Lu said, and Montessa stood on tiptoes to kiss him. To lick his mouth. To tell him that she had never felt this way, not once, and it was the very best and most special of feelings.
They stole a rusty, brown Camaro that didn’t have locked doors. Lu concentrated and the wires sparked just right. The engine hummed, in surprisingly good condition.
Montessa raised her eyebrows.
“Nice.”
And they were off. Montessa’s feet on the dash, and Lu singing along with the golden oldies, the only station they could pick up.
“What if I never met you?” she asked.
“Then you’d be at home with Renan right now. Sleeping. Getting ready to dance tonight.”
“I was dead, Lu. My soul was dead. My body, it’s getting there. You saved me, do you know that?”
She took his hand, kissed his blunt fingernails sweetly.
“Thank you. Thank you for saving me. I was asleep and you woke me up.”
He didn’t say anything, but his thoughts were daisies and sunshine and rainbows. The sharpest and sleekest of knives. Dahlias and straight blades.
You saved me, too, is what he thought. He thought it with so much intensity and love that it was a firestorm in Montessa’s head. The force of it blew her hair back, and she bit her lip.
So this is what it was like to have a soul mate. To be tied together with the Red Thread of Fate. It’s loving somebody so much that you’ll murder to be with them.
They reached the Pacific Ocean shortly before the sun was to go down.
“Come on,” Lu said, and they hopped out of the car. Followed the trail to the water. This beach was different, sandy and soft, and the water seemed calm.
“It isn’t angry at all,” she said, and leaned her head on Lu’s good shoulder. “The sea is happy.”
Lu wondered if she could calm it somehow. If Montessa’s moods played out over the water. He wouldn’t be surprised, not really. Her mama always said she was special.
“What happened to your mother?” he asked. The breeze was stiff and cold, blowing the hair back from their faces. It felt like a caress. It felt like a slap in the face. Either way he looked at it, it felt good.
“She died,” she said simply, but Lu read the expressions running under her skin. Her Face Beneath A Face. She died is what she said, but it was so much more than that. The sand began to tremble beneath their feet, began to lift and spin in the air in a small tornado of stinging diamonds.
“Shh,” he said, and kissed behind her ear. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Let’s talk about something else.”
The sand fell to the ground instantly, and the earth stood firm.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and for a second, she looked like a little girl. Mini Montessa, with pigtails and pink party dresses and ice cream cones. Her eyes were wide and innocent. She was unspoiled. She wasn’t a victim yet.
Then it all went away, and she was his Apocalyptic Montessa, a woman who had lived a thousand lifetimes in less than 30 years. He kissed her until her lips were swollen, and then he kissed her again.
“You know what takes away every pain?” he asked.
She smiled up at him, blinking with her long lashes.
“Salt water,” she answered. “Sweat, tears, and the sea.”
She took his hand and ran for the water, kicking off her shoes. Laughing. Her dark hair flew in the sea breeze, and Lu found himself laughing, too. They played in the surf, like lovers do. It was far too cold to be pleasant, and barely bearable. But it was their time, their moment. Lu heated the water until it was warm as blood. They played. Splashed each other. Fell down in the water, screaming and shrieking and kissing. They chased gulls, and watched tiny sand crabs crawl back and forth. The sun sank into the sea, and Montessa couldn’t stop staring at the color of the clouds, at the idea of the sun sinking low, low, low, until she thought she’d see steam and it would be put out completely.
“I’ve never seen anything so lovely.” She exhaled, looking at the ocean.
“Neither have I,” Lu said, looking at her.
He fell on one knee, there in the Oregon sand, and took both of her hands in his.
“Will you marry me?” he asked.
She sank down to her knees, as well.
“Yes, my Lulu! Of course I will!”
And she flew into his arms, knocking him onto his back in the surf, and the water ran past and around them both, dragging the sand out from underneath them until it felt like they were falling. Falling like comets, like angels out of the sky. Like demons into Hell.
The stars came out. The sea continued to happily rage. It was the most perfect moment in either of their lives.
Lu reached into his wet pocket and pulled out a red string. He used the First Kill knife to cut it in half.
Montessa felt the sea water beading her face, until Lu reached over and kissed beneath her eye. She realized she was crying.
“Do happy tears taste different?” she asked as Lu carefully tied the string around her left ring finger.
“They do.”
“I’d like to taste your happy tears sometime,” she said as she wrapped the other red string around his ring finger.
“I never cry.”
“Liar.”
They held hands, their new red thread wedding bands shining, and knew they were married in the eyes of god or demons or hell, sanctified in blood and the sea, sealed with slices and blazing fires and kisses, but they were certainly married in the eyes of each other and of themselves. And really, that was all that mattered.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Lu had a present to give his new bride. A gift. Something special and wonderful and deeply, deeply horrifying.
“Wake up, darling.”
She murmured and snuggled closer into his side. She had branches and weeds tangled into her hair like wedding flowers.
“Montessa. Wake up. Today is a new day.”
She yawned and stretched and sat up. Looked around with eyes still bleary from sleep.
“Lu? Where…ah, I remember. We slept outside last night.”
They had. Several yards back from the beach. Across a small freeway. Up in the tree line with a few scattered rental houses here and there.
“Did you sleep sweet?” he asked.
She popped her back, winced.
“I slept sweet. How’s your shoulder?”
“Stiff. But not bad. The salt water hurt like the dickens last night, but I think it helped.” He grinned, kissed the makeshift wedding band on her finger. “It really does heal everything.”
Montessa stood up. Helped Lu to his feet. Brushed her hair out with her fingers and made a face.
“I’m a mess, Lu. I’m sorry that you don’t ever get to see me prettied up.”
He laughed, but she didn’t. She was thinking of missed opportunities. Of things they would never see. Never have a home of their own, never have children. Something inside her ached for that, but then she remembered her own childhood and the ache suddenly went away.
“You’re beautiful to me
. My wild wife. You’re just right, and I love you for exactly who you are. I have a surprise for you today.”
The oil of tiredness fell from her eyes. They were pale and ghostly, shining and wonderful.
“You do? What is it?”
“We’re about two hours away. I’ll tell you when we get there.”
“Lu! You’re teasing me.”
He smiled, and she kissed him. He kissed her back.
“Think of it as a wedding gift, Montessa. Something that only I can give. Are you ready? We’ll head out, grab some breakfast. Switch cars and finish the trip. And then it will be something amazing.”
“Let’s enjoy one last walk by the sea, first. I’ve never been there in the morning.”
They held hands like any other young lovers. Dipped their toes in the freezing waves and talked about Lu’s insatiable thirst for coffee and the way he had wanted to be an artist as a child.
“But my pictures kept starting on fire. I didn’t understand it. And I would get so angry. Working so hard on something, and then it would burn to ash in my hands.”
He didn’t want to say it was the earliest allegory to his life, that it would always be this way. He didn’t want to say that the first time this had happened, his mother had fainted and his father called him a demon.
He didn’t want to say these things, but Montessa peeked into his head and knew. As she also knew that he was grateful that she could see these things inside of him, without words. That she knew he was like a decapitated copperhead that would strike and lash out at his own tail, chewing on his own meat in a frenzy of hurt. But Montessa kept him safe, somehow. Her love was enough to keep his venom at bay, or at least, not turned onto himself.
They walked from the sea.
“This will be our last time here, won’t it?” Montessa asked.
Lu didn’t say anything, but they knew the answer. Knew this was the place of their wedding, and both wished it would be their burial.
“I started to fall in love with you when you told me you’d feed my body to the sea,” Montessa said and laughed. She held his hand tighter. Held it to her heart, which beat with power and passion and blood, beat for the first time in her life, it felt.
“I know how strange that is, Lu, but it seemed like such a kindness. Such a gift. There was so much going on in your soul, such a decency you didn’t want to acknowledge.”
“I do love you,” he said, and his voice was rough. The words didn’t come easy, even though he felt they should.
“I love you, too.”
The found a car outside one of the rental houses. Started it up, hopped in. Drove away without looking back. Montessa missed the scent of the ocean, the shrieking of the birds. She treasured it in her heart, in her mind.
She leaned back in the passenger seat, her feet on the dash, playing with the thread around her ring finger. She wondered about Lu, why his jaw was set in such a way. Wondered about her surprise. Wondered what it would feel like to die, when it eventually happened.
She sucked in her breath so hard that it hurt.
“What?” Lu asked her.
“Nothing, baby.”
“You sure?”
“Of course.”
She wanted to live. She wanted to live. She wanted to live.
“You look sad.”
She turned and her smile was a soft thing, she could feel it.
“How can I be sad? I only want to be with you.”
He took her hand, kissed her fingers. She swallowed hard and looked at the sky.
~
They pulled into a dirty area not far from Portland. It smelled like sewers and alcohol. Meth and urine. Montessa’s heart sank just looking around.
“Okay?” Lu asked.
“Yes, but what are we doing here?”
He parked the car in an alley, turned it off. For a second Montessa was afraid, the fear rising in her throat, her bones and flesh and muscle bunching together in anticipation of attack.
Lu reached for her, and she flinched.
He pulled his hand away.
“What’s going on, baby?”
She shook her head.
“I don’t know. I’m scared. I can’t even tell you why. I just have this overwhelming sense of…”
She gestured with her hands, but it didn’t help.
“May I?” Lu asked and held out his hands.
She nodded, and he slid one to her cheek, forced her to look at him.
“I won’t hurt you. Do you know that?”
She nodded again, and he kissed her. Took both of her hands and held them.
“You know how my daddy said I was a demon.”
“Yes.”
“And your mama said you were special.”
“Do you think I’m a demon, too?”
He laughed, so sweetly and loud and with such mirth that it hurt her feelings, took her back. She pulled her hands away, wrapped her arms around herself. She was a little girl hiding in the closet, then. Hiding under the bed. Behind the Rhododendron bushes. Too small, too helpless.
“Baby, no. I don’t think you’re a demon. I’m not laughing at you. The idea of it…you’re too sweet. Too kind. If anything, I wonder if you’re an angel.”
“An angel?”
He sighed, took her hand back.
“There has to be balance in all things. People live. People die. If I’m a demon, you’re my angel. Doing a kindness. Using your talents to better serve the world. To clean up the refuse.”
“The man we killed. To steal his car. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve sort of been feeling bad about that,” she said.
Lu shrugged.
“You don’t know that. Maybe he was a liar. A cheater. Maybe he hurt little kids on the side. Maybe he was chosen because he needed to go. To be removed.” He looked at her, and his dark eyes were intense. She watched the flames dancing in them. One touch on his too-warm skin and she could ignite him, she knew. Burn them both up. Go down in a firestorm of glory.
“What are you saying?” she asked.
“I’m saying to use what you’ve been given. To think of it as a gift. To think of yourself as an avenging angel, if you need. But that’s why I brought you here.”
She looked around the dank alley again. It smelled strongly of mold, and the dark clouds caused the light to be misty and mysterious.
“An alley.”
“Yep.”
“This is my wedding present.”
“It certainly is.”
“All right.”
She opened the car door, stepped out. Ran her palms down the thighs of her jeans.
“You’re nervous,” Lu said. He walked around and kissed her hair.
“I am. I don’t know why. It’s going to the very bottom of my soul. If I still have a soul. Do you think we still have souls?”
“I do.”
He put his arm around her, walked her down the alley. She tried not to make eye contact with anybody there. The sorrow was too much. The desperation.
“Hey,” a young man said. He held out a trembling hand, his arms tattooed with tracks, his face full of sores. “Hey.”
It reminded Montessa of childhood. Her mouth tasted bitter.
“It’s like when I was a kid, too,” Lu said. Montessa looked at him and he shrugged his good shoulder. “I don’t have to be a mind-reader to know what you’re thinking.”
Through the alley. Down a narrow set of stairs. They stood in a doorway.
Lu put his hands on Montessa’s shoulders, whispered into her ear.
“Are you ready, love?”
“R-ready for what?”
“Remember that you’re strong.”
He used his elbow, broke the window next to the grimy door. Reached in and unlocked it. Walked inside.
“Come,” he said and held his hand out to Montessa. She took it, stepped forward. Her bloody Keds crunched on the pieces of glass.
The smell. It hit home, took her back, back, back to when she was young and afrai
d and hurt in so many ways, bone and flesh and the soft secret places. She clapped her hand over her mouth, trying not to throw up. Lu watched her with intense, quiet eyes.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here.”
“The smell.”
“What about it?”
“That brand of cigarettes. Cheap beer and that awful cologne.”
She went white, whiter than white, whiter than her complexion should have allowed her to go. She gasped, grabbed Lu’s hand. Staggered a bit, her head spinning.
He held her. Steadied her. Loved her and whispered to her. Thought at her with all of his might.
“I know how it feels, sweetheart. I can’t smell tea leaves and incense without going right back to my father. To how scared I was, how much I hate him. It’s been years, but I still feel it. He’s dead and I feel it. But knowing he’s dead? It makes it so much better.”
She looked at him, terrified. Her mouth curled like a wilting flower, like a dying thing, and he watched her heart, her soul, leaving through her mouth, through her eyes.
“No,” he said and shook her. “No. You’re not going to disappear. You’re going to do this.”
“Is he here?”
“Yes.”
“How did you find him?”
“I looked.”
He kissed her again, held her trembling body to his own. Felt the bones, so fragile. Her skin, so easily torn. Knew she was going to face a monster, a real demon. The one who started it all.
“I’m with you, baby. My Apocalyptic Montessa. I’m right here with you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He took the First Kill knife and moved it in front of her face, reflecting the dull light that came in through the broken window. Her eyes locked with his in a beautiful, perfect moment. The ground shuddered, and The Breeze That Wasn’t blew her hair around. He held out his palm and a flame danced above it.
“You can do this. We can do this. It’s a cleansing, angel. Take the knife.”
He ran his tongue down it and handed it to her. She grasped it, squeezed his hand, and took it from him. Ran her pink tongue down the blade as well.
Her face changed, then. Became something more than what it already was. The pain and doubt and fear pushed its way to the surface, through her pores, and away from her body. There was just rage. And hate. Brutality and an absolute absence of sympathy.
Apocalyptic Montessa and Nuclear Lulu: A tale of Atomic Love Page 10
