by Kage Alan
I must have stared at the back of his head for a good ten minutes trying to figure out whether I should chance cuddling up to him or leave well enough alone before he rolled back over and opened his eyes again.
"Good morning.” He grinned from ear to ear and rested his head on my chest.
"Damien?” I asked, and Alan sat straight up in bed.
"Who's Damien?” he demanded.
"It was a joke.” I tried to calm him down. “I said good morning to you about ten minutes ago and you acted like someone getting up minus beer goggles. Figured I'd find out if you were The Omen or not."
"Oh.” Alan looked embarrassed. “Even my family hates getting me up in the morning because I tend to react when I'm not awake.” He closed his eyes. “Look, I never brought this up last night because it seemed kind of embarrassing, but you're ... the first guy I've ever, well, shared a bed with."
"I'm flattered.” I pulled him back down and gave him a hug. It seemed to be the thing to do to show support.
Some time went by, and I got the feeling he was waiting for me to say something else.
"What?"
"Well,” he answered cautiously, “I'm just waiting to see if you realize that was your cue to tell me that I was your first, too."
"Ah.” I laughed nervously. “Well..."
"All right, how many men have you been with?” His tone grew accusatory.
"Before last night or after?” I said it as a joke because I really didn't want to have this conversation.
"I'm leaving.” Alan started to crawl out of bed.
"That was meant as a joke."
He turned and glared at me.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I use humor to cover up my insecurities ... and I have a looooot of those.” I also procrastinated. “The first time I ever had sex with a guy was this past summer in California. He's my cousin,"
Alan's face contorted ever so slightly, and I knew exactly what he was thinking.
"By marriage only!"
His expression returned to normal.
"There were feelings involved, but I had to come back home and we parted with an understanding that what had happened wasn't just some fling."
"You slept with your cousin?” He stared at me. “Isn't that illegal in west Michigan?"
I leaned over, picked up a picture of Jordan and I standing outside one of the restaurants we ate at and handed it to Alan.
"Whoa. He's cute. Maybe I can understand."
"Yeah, I thought you'd say something like that."
"I was also remembering some of the events of last night and things Tristan was saying to you kind of made it sound like ... well...” He looked me in the eye. “Did you sleep with him?"
"No!” I met his gaze. “Absolutely not.” I totally lied ... or did I? In essence, I really wasn't lying because there was no sleeping involved whatsoever. Besides, Alan looked totally relieved. “I never slept with him."
"Wait a second.” His eyes narrowed. “Did you have sex with him?"
"That wasn't the original question."
"A simple ‘yes’ would have sufficed.” Alan started gather-ing his clothes up and putting them on.
"I'm not like Tristan.” He didn't slow down. “I didn't have the good fortune of hearing any of the stories you did. If I had known what he was like, I never would have done anything with him.” I was getting desperate for him to believe me. “I told him that I didn't want a one-night stand, and he led me to believe he felt the same way.” Alan was putting his shoes on. “Didn't you hear anything I told him last night when I was yelling at him in front of everybody?"
This got his attention.
"I want a relationship. I want the real thing. You told me last night that you didn't want to be a notch in someone's bed post, and I could never do that to you or anyone else because that's what happened to me.” I started to break down. “I know how that feels, and it hurts. I'm not the kind of person who can make someone else feel that way."
"Okay.” Alan looked at me for a long time. I didn't have a clue what he was thinking because his face wasn't giving anything away. Finally: “Do you really want to give this a try?"
I did.
"Because I don't want to find out down the line that you've been playing around behind my back. I may not be the most experienced person in the world, but I'm faithful, I expect the same and there are no compromises on that point. Are you sure you still want to try a relationship?"
"As long as it means you're going to be nice to me again, then yes."
Asking him to be nice wasn't such a bad tradeoff for being faithful. I would have been faithful anyway, but it never hurt to throw something in my favor into the negotiations.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” He finally lightened up. “One thing at a time, and right now I have to get home. I've got a ton of homework to do."
"Can I call you later?” Ah, the beginning of my neediness.
"I'll consider it.” Ah, the beginning of his domination over me.
"Then should I call you to find out if you've considered whether or not I can call you?” Ah, the beginning of my cute challenges to his authority.
"How about if I just call you?” Ah, the beginning of him trying to get the final say. Alan put his jacket on.
"Famous last words...” I'd at least get the last word in.
"It's not like that.” No, he would. “Besides, I know for a fact that you'll be seeing me later, otherwise you'll never get your Pearls Of Passion CD back!” He grinned from ear to ear and rushed for the door.
Well, if I didn't learn to love him early, one of us was going to wind up dead.
* * * *
Kendra came down about an hour after Alan left. I'd managed to get a few minutes of sleep, but that was all. She grabbed her toiletry kit and some clothes out of her bag then went back up to Kim's floor to shower. I figured now was as good a time as any to do the same.
We were on our way over to the Commons half an hour later for anything we could find that was edible.
"I'm sorry about not calling you last night, but Kim was in such bad shape and Alex and I couldn't get her to stop crying. She kept talking about various body parts developing cob-webs.” Kendra munched on a piece of bacon dipped in syrup. Yep, I could tell we grew up together because I did the very same thing. It was the only way to really enjoy sausage or bacon.
"Kim cries when somebody loses on Jeopardy, so it's nothing really new. I mean, just because Alan didn't sleep with her last night..."
"Yeah, she was really disappointed about that, but that's what happens when you get your hopes up, I guess. After the night she described when you interfered with her and Tristan and then did it again last night, she needed someone like Alan around...” Something dawned on her. “How did you know Alan left?” She frowned.
"Simple seduction, Watson.” I raised my eyebrow. “Aside from game shows, Kim also cries when she doesn't get lucky. Well, wails more like, actually."
"Speaking of lucky, you seem awfully chipper this morning."
"No, I don't."
"Now you're just trying to cover it up,” Kendra informed me matter-of-factly.
"Are you just making this up as you go along or what? I'm not chipper. Even if I was British, I wouldn't be chipper."
"Isn't Alan British?” I didn't like the tone her voice was taking on.
"No, he was born in Britain, but he's actually American and Chinese."
"Alan...” Kendra stared at me. “Alan...” She spoke again and scrutinized my face. “Alan..."
"Why do you keep saying his name like that?” This was annoying.
"Because every time I do, your eye does this little...” Kendra sat back in her chair. “He snored in your ear!"
"What?"
"That's how you knew he left. You spooned with him last night!"
Why didn't she just say it a little louder?
"How the hell do you know that?” I whispered as intensely as I could without looking like I was being ridic
ulously emphatic. “We didn't have sex, but yes, we spooned. What is it my face does that makes you able to read my mind?"
"I'm really going to tell you.” She rolled her eyes. “Okay, so, we've established that you stole Alan away from Kim, but what's the story about Tristan?” she pressed.
"I did not steal Alan from her and..."
"Tristan...” She scrutinized my face again. “Tristan..."
"Cut it out!"
"Whoa. You did the nasty with him! How could you do that? The guy has slut written all over him. Didn't you see that?” She peered at me.
"I'm a guy. Stuff like that doesn't always occur to me first.” It was time to come clean. “To make matters more complicated, I'm a guy ... who's into other guys."
"No shit, Andy."
I sat there and stared at her, stunned.
"My family has been saying that about you for years,” she added.
"They have not!"
"No, they haven't.” She giggled. “I was pulling your leg there.” I relaxed a little. “Seriously, though. They have been saying it for years. That's okay. You and I are in the same predicament."
"I hate to break this to you.” Oh, how did I tell her this. “But you aren't gay. It's considered acceptable for you to like guys, not for me to."
"I know what gay is, thank you.” She pursed her lips. “I'm a woman who's into other women."
"Oh, Kendra.” I faked looking deflated. “Don't tell me you're a manhater?"
"Don't annoy me. I'm still very much a woman, but I'm butch enough to kick your ass ... unless you're into that."
I choked on my piece of bacon.
* * * *
We spent the rest of the day talking and walking around the campus. The sky was clear and there wasn't much wind, so that made it all the more enjoyable. I brought her up to speed on my endeavors over the past six months—or was it seven now? I told her all about Jordan and my summer in California, then Tristan and what had gone on between us. Finally, I filled her in on Alan.
"You slept with your cousin?” Kendra cocked her head to one side. “Isn't that illegal in west Michigan?"
"Oh, shut it."
It was finally my turn to listen, and Kendra told me all about her own little adventures and realizations in life. She had a girlfriend back home whom she wanted me to meet sometime, and I learned all about her, minus the girly parts, of course. Kendra hadn't sat her parents down and told them outright yet, but she'd certainly hinted enough about it to get the point across. Unfortunately, it was met with selective and opinionated ears. I think hearing that cemented my own private nightmare of how my parents would react if I ever told them.
"Are you going to get Alan anything for Valentine's Day?” Kendra asked me while we were exploring one of the nature trails adjacent to the campus. “It's coming up soon, and I smell romance in the air."
"I'm impressed. All I smell is deer urine.” I smirked.
"Don't ever write greetings cards."
"I've never been able to stomach this whole Hallmark holiday thing anyway.” I yawned. “Besides, the last thing I need to discover is that I'm the more sensitive one between us and set myself up for disappointment when the attention isn't returned."
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you remember back when we were in grade school?” Kendra nodded that she did. “We weren't in the same class, but all the teachers did similar projects for the holidays. When Valentine's Day would come around, we'd all bring in a small brown lunch bag, turn it into a mailbox and hang it on the sides of our desks with a slot cut out for mail. Then, sometime during the day, the teacher would let us get up and deliver our valentines to the proper bags.” I hated dredging this crap up. “You know what it was like for me back then. I was a skinny only child with a big mouth and a father who was a police officer, which didn't endear me to my classmates.
"While we had about twenty-four students to a class and most of us brought in valentines, I was lucky if I got five or six in my bag."
"Five or six?” Kendra looked horrified.
"In a good year, yes.” I stopped walking. “Popularity was never my thing. Notoriety, however ... well, at least that was the next best thing. I was notorious for getting the shaft from my classmates.” I chuckled, but I didn't really find it as humorous as I was letting her believe. “It ruined more things for me as a child than I knew to admit and it wasn't until years later that I realized I was too young to be so bitter."
"That's horrible, Andy. I never knew that.” How could she? I'd never told anybody before. “Speaking of bitter, what are you going to do about Kim?"
"Out of the frying pan and into the fire,” I mumbled, and stared at her. “What do you mean what am I going to do about Kim?"
"Are you going to tell her about Tristan and Alan?"
"Only if she asks."
"Andy!” I couldn't believe she was chastising me. “That's not being very true to yourself or to Alan. If we're ever going to be accepted in life for who we are, then we have to start being ourselves."
"K, I'm fine with the truth, and the truth is that I like my testicles right where they are and not where Kim will bury them if I tell her what you now know.” Speaking of truth, I never did find out what nice thing Alan had done for Kim. I'd have to remember to ask him that when I called later on. “Laugh if you will, but testicles can be a very important part in one aspect of a gay relationship."
"Not mine."
"Well, I'm sure they sell fake ones.” She smacked me. “Let's just say that I'm waiting to see how certain things progress right now. I have no idea what's going to happen with Alan, if Tristan will go away, if Kim will find some other stud to offer his blue-veined doughnut holder hostage in her great wet wall of vagina or even if it's in her best interest to know what I'm keeping from her."
"I'm not even going to ask about that last description. Let's put this into perspective, though.” Kendra put her hand on my shoulder. “Honey, if you were in Kim's place, wouldn't you want to know if someone you were trying to get to know better was someone you really had a chance with or if you should at least start looking for someone else?” That was an awful lot of someones.
"Of...” What? Of course? That just defeated my whole argument. “Don't you have to go home soon?” I laughed weakly.
"Tell her!” Kendra gripped my shoulder now and squeezed. “Really."
"You're hurting me.” I grimaced and tried to break her grip. “You big butch beast!"
* * * *
I decided to consider whether or not I might actually think about telling Kim. Talk about a convoluted process. It was several hours after Kendra had left, and I was on the third floor of the library looking out the windows that made up the entire wall. Todd, my roommate from the previous year, had introduced me to this area one night when I was feeling rather contemplative and in need of some peace. Sometimes I came here when I was depressed or missing my family and looked out towards the east, towards home.
"I thought you might be up here."
The voice shook me out of my stupor. I focused on the window and saw the reflection of Tristan standing behind me, grinning. He must have just run over a cat.
"Did you miss me?"
"Like the intestinal flu,” I shot back.
How did he know where to find me? Heck, I don't think I'd even told Ryan or Kim about this place. It was my own private Idaho, and it was now being desecrated.
"You used to come up here quite a bit last year.” How did he know that? “I worked at one of the desks in the building, so I saw everybody come and go.” Oh. “When I'd put books back on the shelf, I'd see where they sat, who they watched and who watched them. You always came here, but I never gave you much thought back then, not until last semester.” He leaned up against a shelf. “Something changed. It's like you blossomed and finally discovered yourself. That's when I knew you were ready for me."
"I thought the only thing your guests have to do to get ready for you is wipe their knees so the
y won't get dirt on the sheets?” He had some nerve.
"Why can't you just admit you like the animal attraction between us and what it brings out in you?” Now he was acting all chummy, like we'd known each other long enough to develop a chumminess. “Besides, it's not like I've never seen you eye guys as they walk by you outside or when you're in the student center. Remember Alan the other night? Same thing. Yet, every time I'm around, you turn into a viperous little prude."
"I must be having Gemini moments.” I told him offhandedly, and reached for a book inside my backpack.
"Is the chair next to you empty?"
"Yeah, and this one will be, too, if you sit down."
"Oh, stop it.” He sat down anyway. “Besides, I didn't come here to piss you off. I actually want to have a normal conversation."
Normal? This guy could make me feel dirty talking about bleach.
"Did you ever watch the stars at night when you were growing up?"
This was an unexpected change of topic. It was even pleasant, especially for him, which made me all the more suspicious.
"Yeah, I did. I can remember arguing with my mother for hours that the moon was the one moving and not the clouds.” Now, there was something I hadn't thought about in years. I smiled and wondered what had happened to the kind of childhood innocence where I could tell all my friends that the moon was actually moving and the clouds were stationary and they would believe me. They'd say it was cool! They'd say I was really smart for figuring that out! They'd say...
"That's really stupid.” Tristan stated simply, and I scowled. Poor bastard was probably the neighborhood child molester when he was a child. “Did you ever recite the Little Star Prayer?"
"Yes,” I replied through clenched teeth, “all the time.” I actually used to repeat it quite a bit when I was growing up and staring out my bedroom window at night. I wanted to sing with Shawn Cassidy and be invited back to his house just so my friends would think I was the coolest kid ever! Of course, I'd never dare tell a soul about that now, especially Ryan. I'd never hear the end of it. Still, reciting those words brought back a number of fond, yet strange memories. “Star light, star bright—"
