by Ashlee Price
I couldn’t see how he thought that was true, but it was the first time he had given me a reason. I had honestly thought he was just being chauvinistic. “She will be fine.”
“Are you sure you don’t want her down there with you for another reason?”
I shook it off. “She is a kid dad.”
“I may be an old man son, but even I know that is not true.”
“I’ll admit she is a pretty girl, but I am not ready for any kind of relationship.”
We talked a little bit more and it was the first time that we had had such a long conversation without arguing. It was nice, but the time urged me on my time schedule. He took it better than I had thought he would and I was starting to think that maybe it wasn’t the worst idea, coming home.
***
“Is that seriously all you brought?”
I looked down at the duffel bag and nodded. “Yeah. I am trying to figure out where you are going to put all of this. Just be thankful I didn’t bring ten pairs of shoes as well.”
“Do you even have that many?”
“No, but apparently you do. You do realize that we are going to be training these horses, right?”
She sighed and started putting up her clothes in the closet. I watched her for a time. She was still acting differently, almost cold whenever I said anything to her. I didn’t understand her mood, though I think that it had something to do with me telling her no the other night. She had to know why I did. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her, but because we couldn’t be together. I couldn’t be with anyone.
“Are you always this pleasant?”
She nodded. “Yes, this is what you have to look forward to. Haven’t you ever lived with a woman?”
“No I can’t say that I have. My last roommates were twenty four other guys.”
“Well, this will be a little different.”
“I can see that.”
“So are we working today or no?”
“No, I know that you did your work this morning. So you can just take the rest of the day to get settled. I have a few things to do and I will see you later.”
“Well can I help you with it? I hate to just be lying around all day.”
“Fine. I am just going to get the stables ready for some new arrivals in the morning. If you want to help, you are more than welcome to, but I am not a slave driver like my dad. You can have some time off if you want.”
There was only an afternoon left, but she didn’t seem worried about it. The truth was that every time I was around her, I wanted to do things that I wasn’t supposed to. Already rethinking my plan for us to work together, being in close quarters with Shannon was going to be harder than I thought.
That evening I couldn’t sleep with her so close. I was afraid the dreams would come back, but I had to sleep and eventually did. Instead of the dreams of war, it was the first time in a long time that I had dreams of her. When I woke up the next morning, she was already up, scantily clad making breakfast on the hot plate. I was hard and needy, but I tried to ignore my cravings and forget the dream that made me feel alive again.
“Morning, Joel. Did you sleep good?”
Chapter 7: Shannon
Living and working with Joel was both exasperating and enlightening. Not only was I learning a lot about training and horses, but I was learning a lot about him. Even though he didn’t share much, his quiet was not uncomfortable. Sometimes we would talk while we went to sleep and the more I learned about him, the more I found myself falling for him. I hadn’t seen Amber in almost a week, but I didn’t seem to mind too much.
Things got normal with us. We would wake up, go to work, come back to the small bunkhouse and alternate showers. Everything worked in a rhythm. I would make dinner while he took care of the horses for the night and then we ate together. It was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend in a while and it became so familiar.
He never kissed me again though, not once. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me when I wasn’t paying attention with such need, but as soon as he knew I saw him, he would turn away and I was left needing more than just his companionship. Joel was driving me crazy in a way. He made me want him more and more, but I knew that it was just as impossible then as it was now.
That evening I went to bed early. I had caught him staring and the look made my whole body shiver. I took a second shower, only to take care of the needs that I felt. It was almost as disappointing as nothing at all. The only saving grace was that Joel was asleep when I came back out. He was the one that stayed up much later than me, so not having to deal with that embarrassment was a life saver. I looked over at his sleeping form only a few feet away and sighed to myself. Why did I always want the things that I could never have?
***
I woke up to him next to my bed. His eyes were open, but he was not looking down at me. It was strange how he looked, and after a few moments, I got enough wherewithal to say something. “Joel? Are you okay?”
His eyes moved down to mine and he seemed to snap out of it somehow. The rage in his face started to ease to the man I was used to. “Shannon. I’m sorry. I was having a dream or something.”
It wasn’t the first time that I had heard him moaning at night. Joel seemed to have a lot of bad dreams. But it was the first time that he had gotten up. Whatever he was dreaming about, it couldn’t be good. The way he looked down at me in that moment, I couldn’t help but pull him down for a hug. He seemed to need one. “It’s okay Joel.”
He pulled away, but I didn’t release him as easily as I should have. I didn’t want to let go of him. It was what he needed, touch. I stood up and pressed him against me. It felt good and when he started to hug me back, it felt better. Like a great relief, I felt his body sag slightly against mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
Pulling back, my arms still around his neck, I looked into his eyes, darkened with the lack of light on. “It’s okay Joel. I am here if you want to talk about it.”
My lips were so close. Close enough that I could just lean in and take another kiss, but I didn’t want the same ending. If he turned me down again, I knew that I would be devastated. I couldn’t handle another rebuke from him, so I started to unwind myself from his neck.
Joel grabbed me around my waist and pulled me to his body. I couldn’t help the shiver I felt in my body as my breasts pressed against his hard chest. He groaned into my mouth as his tongue pressed through my lips. He tasted like I thought he would, manly. My senses were overwhelmed, his body pushing me down onto my bed. His own covered mine, his hips pushing against the thin shorts I was wearing.
My legs wrapped around his waist like my arms wrapped around his neck. I was clinging to him, never wanting the kiss to end. He pulled back and looked down at me. I was panting lightly, my eyes closed. When I opened them, he was in debate with himself. I knew it was about me, but it was the last thing I wanted to do was stop. “Please Joel. Don’t stop.”
My words seemed to bring him from his thought. As soon as our eyes met I knew that he would. Something was holding him back. I didn’t know what it was, but it was enough to keep me needy. I released him and watched him back away. He was going to say he was sorry again, but I refused to let him. “Just don’t. I get it, okay.”
***
I didn’t get it though and the next morning, I really didn’t get it. Instead of starting out talking about our day, he wanted to talk about hiring more people in to start on construction. “I think we need to get the other bunkhouse going, ASAP. There is no telling how long it will take, so we might as well start it soon.”
I was quiet for a time. I didn’t know why he was being so chatty. It was one of the times that I wish he didn’t have to talk so much. Why couldn’t he just shut up? Half the time I wanted him to talk and when he finally did, he didn’t have anything good to say.
“Joel, do you really think that you need another bunkhouse here with only 5 spots in the stable? You are going to have more people than horses
. If the arrangement is not working for you, I can just ride up here in the mornings and move back down to the ranch.”
I got up not waiting for an answer. I too would like a spot to get the hell away from him from time to time, but I knew that I didn’t want to leave. It was the very last thing I wanted. Even though he drove me crazy on a daily basis, I wouldn’t have changed it. Now, I was starting to think that I was the one that had fallen too hard and too fast. Now he didn’t want to even be around me and I had to turn the water on to hide the sound welling up in the back of my throat. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing to me?
And if he could, was that why he wanted to put more space between us? So that he could let me down easily?
I didn’t know the answer, but it helped me to calm down. I was not the type to feel this way and I tried to calm myself. I moved to the sink and turned on the water, splashing the cool liquid on my face. I rubbed my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. I had to get it together.
Moving to open the medicine cabinet looking for some Tylenol, I noticed several prescription bottles that were not there before. I turned them around to read the labels and they were Joel’s. I didn’t recognize the name of the medicine, but I made a note to find out what they were for. It was nothing but secrets with the two of us.
“Shannon, are you okay?”
I shut the medicine cabinet as quietly as I could and walked out towards his voice. “Yeah I am fine. You are right, another bunkhouse would make things easier. I don’t mind moving back to the ranch. I think you are right, it would be for the best.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Chapter 8: Joel
She wasn’t supposed to readily agree with me, but before I knew it, Shannon had packed up her things and was gone that evening. I offered to ride back with her and she refused my help. There was something in her eyes that I didn’t understand, but I knew that she was upset with me. I didn’t blame her, I was upset with myself. Never had I thought that I would run from a feeling like I had with her. But I didn’t want my messiness to rub off on her. I knew that things were right since I got back and I had heard stories of what could happen. Waking up standing over her was the wake-up call that I needed. The fact that she left too, made me think that she knew why. The last thing I wanted was for Shannon to be afraid of me.
Shannon hadn’t been though. I still remembered the way her body had submitted to mine. She had been as needy as I was, moaning against me as I climbed on top of her. How could I just walk away from that?
When I got back to the bunkhouse, there were no smells of dinner, no sweet shampooed perfume in the air. It was just the empty bed next to mine and the emptiness that I felt in my heart. She was really gone. That evening I tried not to think about it, lying in the bed for what seemed like hours. The pills the doctor prescribed for sleeping didn’t work. What I needed was Shannon, but I couldn’t. I was too afraid that I would have another spell like before and hurt her. I couldn’t let that happen, so I lay there all night thinking about if I could.
The next morning I was feeling worse, groggy and in need of some company. It was scary how quickly I had gotten used to her. I was used to seeing her tired face in the morning, fresh and always smiling. When I finally did see her later in the day, she was not as happy and neither was I.
“Well are you ready to get to work boss?”
I didn’t like the way she said it. Things had changed between us and the easy comrade was gone. I was more upset to see that gone than anything else. While she was a beautiful woman, there was no doubt about that, it was her spirit that I missed more. The easy way that things had been between us. I had always imagined that was what love felt like. Not only the shivering in my belly and the tightening of my loins, but just the simple need to be with someone and the comfort in their company. It was what I had thought about all those nights in the desert. Finding a love that would be all I needed to get home safe. A love like that could get through anything.
But now it was different. It wasn’t until lunch that I remembered that I hadn’t eaten the night before. I just didn’t have the heart to cook anything, missing her meals. I was starving and Shannon true to form, had brought enough for both of us, as well as some leftovers for dinner. “I don’t want you to be hungry out here boss.”
“Please don’t call me that Shannon. I love it when you say my name.”
“Okay Joel, whatever you say. I never know which way this is going to go.”
“What do you mean?”
“Hot one minute and cold the next. I never know what I am getting with you.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
Chapter 9: Shannon
I looked at him and nodded. “Yes you do, but we don’t have to talk about it. I know that you are not too fond of communications Joel. But I can’t help you if I don’t know what is wrong.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“That may well be, but I am here if you ever need it.”
There was a silence between us and I knew that he wasn’t going to say anything, he never did. I leaned back against the tree. He was sitting next to me at our picnic spot. It was the best view on this side of the Fisher land and it had become a ritual with us. Many things had, but I knew at the end of the day, I was going to have to take the long ride back to my old house. I would much rather be with Joel at night. I could see the workers putting up the frame in the distance and each board that went up, seemed like a wall being built between us.
“So what else do we have to do today?”
“Not much. We have a new one coming in tonight, but it will be after dark when he comes in. They have told me that he is unworkable, so we will have our first challenge.”
I nodded, but didn’t say anything. Every moment was challenging with Joel around. “I can always stay a bit later to help you get him in.”
“No, it will be too late. I don’t want you to have to make the ride when it is so dark. It’s not safe.”
I couldn’t agree, but he was the boss. We ended the rest of the day and I left long before the late arrival was supposed to be there. I worried about him by himself, but Joel was more than capable. It was hard not to watch him work and think that. I tried to push him from my mind, but he was who I thought of that night when I laid down and closed my eyes. It was his lips I could feel and wished that it had turned out differently.
***
“Morning, Shannon.”
“Hey, Amber. What are you doing up so early?”
“Work and it is the only way to see you. You leave at dark and come back at dark. What have you been doing?”
“Just working. There is a lot to learn from Joel.”
“So why did you move back in with Travis?”
I didn’t have a ready answer. It was strange to be there so much and not stay. Staying there would have been far more convenient, but I couldn’t very well tell her that I couldn’t because I wanted to pounce her brother every chance I got.
“I just got homesick I guess. Been in that house for a long time and it just felt strange not to be at the ranch.”
“But you aren’t at the ranch. I never see you.”
“I know, but it is just until I get trained and then I can come back up here.”
I could tell she didn’t quite believe me, but I wasn’t going to argue with her. I hated having to lie to her, so I would much rather have not even talked about Joel.
“It’s his dreams again, isn’t it?”
“What dreams?”
“I heard mom and dad talking about him having night terrors. Something happened while he was on base and they let him leave. I am not sure what it was, but they sounded worried. Maybe he is having his dreams again.”
“I think he just wanted his own space. He told me that it would be best if I moved back to my dad’s, so I did.”
“Have you noticed anything unusual?”
I thought of the night before he told me to leave.
He had been standing over me, but I hadn’t been afraid. It made sense now, the way he made noises in the night. I had known that he was having trouble sleeping. The pills in the cabinet made sense.
“Not really. Did he always have this?”
“No, just since he went overseas. My parents wanted him to come home, but Joel was too stubborn. He has been different since he has been back. He was never nice to me before, but now, I don’t know. There is something going on. Maybe I should talk to my parents about it.”
“No, don’t. I just think he needs time to adjust.”
“Okay, but you will tell me if something happens, right?”
I nodded, hating that I had to lie to my best friend, but my loyalty had changed in that instance. “Of course, everything is fine. I am sure he just has a girlfriend that he wants some alone time for. I don’t think you should worry about him.”
Chapter 10: Joel
Shannon was late the next morning. I had been up for hours waiting, but then she still made me wait some more. I was growing restless, wanting to see her, but knowing I couldn’t get too close. I had told myself that it was better to be friends, than nothing. But I was kidding myself if I thought it was enough. Only being with her, having her in my arms would be enough.
When she finally showed up, she smiled at me unbidden like before. She was acting different and the way she looked at me, made me nervous for the reason why. “Good morning Joel. How did the delivery go?”
Her hair was still down, wind-blown back and away from her face. She had a light in her eyes that I had begun to miss. “It was good.”
I didn’t say anything else and after a minute, she dismounted and started in towards the stables. “Oh he is a beaut.”
“Just be careful, he likes to kick and bite from what I have been told.”
She looked back for a moment and then started to rub his head. He didn’t seem at all anxious as he had been with me the night before. As for Shannon, she was approaching it like everything else, void of fear. I was starting to think that she could tame any beast. An hour later when she had him saddled and riding him, I knew it must be true. But could she tame the beast inside of me?
