“I tried to fight my feelings for Kendra.” I sank down on the couch, collecting a couple of sports magazines on the neighboring cushion and setting them on the table. “Because of my friendship with you. I wanted to give you guys a chance to work things out, because I thought that would be the best thing for Char.”
“I hate that I tore my family apart,” he said, his voice raspy. “I hate that I did that to my little girl.”
I finally got a glimpse of the old Jason… someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. “You want to make it up to Char?” I asked, knowing that I was getting dangerously close to the line. “Be a better man. Better than the man who cheated on her mother than threatened to ruin her with some videos and—”
“So, that’s why you’re here?” he asked, with a sneer. “I should’ve known you had an angle. No way could you be here because you gave a goddamn about me or our friendship. If you’d cared about that at all, you wouldn’t have banged my wife.”
“I’m sorry.” I knew that was the last thing he’d expected me to say. It was the last thing I’d intended to say when I came here, but as I sat here across from a man I’d once considered a friend, I realized it had to be said. “Not that I fell for Kendra. I honestly believe that was beyond my control. I’m sorry I didn’t try to have this conversation with you months ago, when I realized that what was happening between us was going to evolve into more than friendship.”
He walked over to the fireplace, snagging a framed photo off the mantle. He and Kendra standing in front of a Christmas tree with a smiling Char between them. “I had it all, man. How the hell did I manage to screw it up so bad?”
It was difficult for me to put myself in his position, but I knew for me and Kendra to move beyond this, I had to try. “You were young when you guys got married. I don’t know that I could have been a good husband and father at that age.”
“But all I ever wanted was a family,” he said, his eyes straying to me before they drifted back to the picture. “Because I’d never really had one growing up. But then I married Kendra and started feeling like I was suffocating or something. I panicked when I thought about being with just one woman for the rest of my life.”
When I thought about being with Kendra for the rest of my life, I got excited, but Jason and I were very different men, at different stages of our lives than he and Kendra had been when they took their vows.
“That’s when you started seeing other women?”
“Yeah,” he said, looking pained. “There were a few.” Dropping his head, he said, “Hell, there were more than a few. None of them meant as much to me as Kendra did, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Being with those other women was an adrenaline rush, kind of like fighting a fire. Maybe it was the risk of getting caught that made me feel alive, I don’t know. All I know is that with Kendra, I started to feel like I was just counting off days.”
“Some marriages don’t work out,” I said, trying hard to relate. “Maybe you and Kendra weren’t meant to be together forever.” I knew if I could help him to let go, I had a better shot at reasoning with him, making him understand that even if Kendra wasn’t with me, she wouldn’t come back to him.
“Don’t think I haven’t thought about that,” he said, setting the picture down before curling his hands around the back of the chair facing me. “I have. I’ve thought about taking the high road. Just signing the damn divorce papers and letting her get on with her life.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“Because every time I think about her being with someone else, especially you, it makes me crazy.”
I appreciated his honesty, and knew at the core of the truth was a way out of this madness, for all of us. “Why me?” I asked, looking him in the eye. “What is the idea of Kendra being with me so abhorrent to you?”
He looked at me so long I was sure he wasn’t going to answer until he finally said, “I guess it’s because you’re the guy I always wanted to be, Gabe.”
I was stunned by his response. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve got the job I always wanted. You’ve got the tight-knit family, brothers who would take a bullet for you, the respect of the guys on the job, friends, a nice house, money in the bank…” He took a deep breath. “I couldn’t stand for you to have Kendra and Char too.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was this guy for real? “First of all, Char is always going to be your daughter.”
“She loves you.” The words were barely above a whisper, and I had to strain to hear him. “She hasn’t come out and said it, but I can tell. She talks about you all the time. Gabe this and Gabe that.”
I tried to imagine how I would feel if my daughter was developing a relationship with another man, another potential father-figure. It would hurt like hell, I had no doubt. “She’s an amazing little girl. And you’re partially responsible for that, Jay.”
He shook his head, his expression grim. “We both know that’s not true. That little angel is all Kendra. She looks like her. She acts like her. She wants to be just like her.” He raised his head. “And I want that too. I want her to grow up to be like Ken. Strong, independent, smart…”
“That’s how I know you’d never follow through with your threat.” It was clear to me now. He’d just been blowing smoke to try and get me to back off. “You wouldn’t hurt your daughter that way.”
“You’re right, I wouldn’t.” He clasped his hands, dropping his head. “I hated myself for even threatening to do it. I just didn’t know what else to do.” His eyes were filling with tears when he looked at me. “Without them I’ve got nothing, man. Not a goddamn thing to live for.”
I was shocked and a little scared by the words spilling from his lips. I’d never known Jason to be depressed, let alone suicidal, but I recognized a cry for help when I heard one. “You could start all over again. New job, new relationship. Maybe start another family someday.”
“And cheat on her too?” he asked, clenching his hands. “No thanks, I think I’ll pass.”
“But you wanted Kendra to take you back. Weren’t you afraid of cheating on her again?”
“I’ve never felt about any other woman the way I do about her.” He covered his face with his hands, tipping his head back. “I don’t expect you to believe that, but it’s true. I figured maybe, just maybe, I’ve learned my lesson. That I wouldn’t cheat on her again, knowing all that I stand to lose.”
“But…?” I’d known him a long time and could tell when he was holding back.
“I think there’s something wrong with me, man.” He tapped his index finger against his temple. “Some disconnect. Because even when I know something’s wrong, that it’ll hurt me or someone I love, I still do it.”
I thought of all the people who made bad choices every day: smoking, drugs, alcohol, and knew that Jason wasn’t alone. Millions of people could probably relate, myself included. “We’ve all done things we shouldn’t, things we know are bad for us.”
“But there’s no recovery group for guys like me,” he said, shaking his head with a wry chuckle. “No AA for serial cheaters.”
“Maybe you need to think about being alone for a while, work on yourself.” I wasn’t a self-help guru, and didn’t know shit about therapy, but I had to assume some people found their way out of the darkness with help. “Talking to a professional, maybe?”
“I’ve thought about that,” he admitted, swiping a hand over his face with a sigh. “I hate to think it’s come to that, but I don’t know, maybe it has.” His lips tipped up at one corner as his gaze met mine. “Hell, look how desperate I was last week, right? Threatening to destroy the only woman I’ve ever loved just because I couldn’t stand the fact that she’s found the right man.”
My gut clenched as I silently prayed he was telling me he intended to back off and let me and Kendra give this thing a go.
“You and Kendra can still be friends,” I said, trying to take the focus off my relationship with her for now. “In fact, I
think you should be. For Char’s sake. You know she’s a forgiving woman. If you told her the things you just told me, maybe you two could start over as friends.” I shrugged when he gave me a long, hard look. “It’s better than nothing, right?”
“Yeah, it is.” He swallowed repeatedly before he said, “You wanna know the worst part?”
“What’s that?”
“I manipulated my innocent little girl. I got her to do my bidding for me.”
I thought of the conversation I’d had with Char and knew that had Jason, or at least the old Jason, written all over it. I wanted to believe he was trying to change, to get back to the man I’d once known him to be.
“You’re referring to the little talk Char had with me?” When he nodded, I said, “I don’t blame her for wanting her family back, any kid would. But—”
“But that’s never gonna happen, and if I were any kind of father, I’d help her come to terms with that instead of filling her head with lies.”
I may have softened the words, but he was right, and I couldn’t deny that. “You can start over with Char too,” I suggested. “It’s never too late for that.” I smiled. “Parents are allowed to make mistakes. Your kid will love you know matter what, Jay.”
I thought of my own father and all the mistakes he’d made. If someone had told me a year ago there was a chance we could be not only father and son, but friends, I would have told them they were crazy, but I honestly believed Jack and I were headed down that road.
He took a deep breath, resting his hands on his knees as he sat up straighter. “You really think I can make up for the mess I’ve made of things?”
“I do.”
After a long pause, he asked, “Will you talk to them with me?”
“Uh…” I didn’t even know if Kendra wanted to talk to me. Having me sit in on a private family conversation may be more than she could handle. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
“I think it is. If you’re going to be a part of Char’s life, she needs to know that I’m okay with it.” He smiled. “And she needs to know that I couldn’t have hand-picked a better man for her mom.”
I finally felt I could breathe as I stood and offered Jay my hand. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”
***
I could tell Kendra was stunned when we showed up on her doorstep unannounced, especially together, but like the gracious hostess she was, she welcomed us in.
“Char’s playing in the backyard.” She set down the glass cleaner and rag she’d been holding when she answered the door. “I was just getting caught up on a little cleaning.”
“Char told me about your new job when I called her earlier,” Jason said. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” she said, leading us into the family room. “I’m pretty excited about it.”
I had a flash of Kendra working in the maternity ward, cradling a new baby and with a fierceness that stunned me I wished that baby in her arms was ours. I wanted that with her… everything that had scared me before: marriage, kids, carpools, dance, baseball, and our crazy dog right in the middle of the chaos.
“I’m sure you’ll be great,” I said, my eyes lingering on hers. It felt like we were the only people in the room as I read her mind. She was trying to figure out why the hell I was here with Jason, and what it meant for us.
“I’d like to talk to you for a bit before we ask Char to come in,” Jason said to Kendra.
“Okay,” she said, crossing her arms after gesturing to the couch. “Sit down, guys. Can I get you anything to drink or—”
“No,” Jason said, shaking his head firmly. “I just need to get this out before I lose my nerve.” He glanced at me. “I’m the reason Gabe told you he couldn’t see you anymore. So, if you want to blame someone, blame me.” He grimaced when her eyes darted to me. “Seems I just keep screwing things up for you, huh?”
“I don’t understand.” Kendra narrowed her eyes at me. “What could Jason have said or done to make you leave me?”
The way she said it made my gut ache, but I knew she was expecting a response and she deserved one. “I was an idiot.” I couldn’t let Jason take all the blame. “I’d made my fair share of mistakes too.” I could have tried to reason with him sooner. I could have admitted my feelings for Kendra months ago. So many could haves and should haves and more than enough blame to go around.
“Gabe, let me explain,” Jason said, raising his hand.
“I’m waiting,” Kendra said, staring at her ex. “What did you say or do to convince him I’d be better off without him?”
“God, this is bad,” he said, swiping his hands over his face.
It looked like he’d aged ten years today. He was a man coming to terms with his mistakes, trying to figure out how to break free of his self-imposed prison of hatred and shame.
“I still can’t believe I did it. Before I tell you, I want you to know how sorry I am. I would never have made good on my threats. I just didn’t want you two together. I wanted—”
“Just tell me what you did, Jason.” Her tone was carefully controlled, but I could tell she was on the verge of lashing out at him.
“Remember those pictures you let me take toward the end of our marriage? And the videos…?”
Kendra paled before her eyes found mine. She was ashamed that I knew about it, but I could care less. The only thing that mattered to me now was earning her forgiveness.
“What about them?” she asked, clenching her teeth.
“I showed some to Gabe,” he said, hooking a thumb in my direction.
“Why?” she cried. “Why would you do that? To hurt him? To humiliate me?”
“I told him if he didn’t end it with you, I’d post that shit online and send the link to everyone you know.” With his elbows resting on his knees, he dropped his face into his hands. “I am so sorry, Kendra. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.”
“That’s why you broke up with me?” she asked me softly. “You were trying to protect me?”
I was so relieved she realized that had been my motive. “I’d do anything to protect you, you know that.” At least I hoped she did. I’d lay down my own life for this girl… and her daughter.
“I know I have a lot to make up for,” Jason continued. “Cheating on you was bad enough, but this is unforgiveable. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me.”
She looked at him a long time, as though she were trying to decide how she felt about the man she’d once vowed to love for the rest of her life. “How can I hate you? You’re the father of my daughter. I don’t want to teach her that it’s okay to hold a grudge when someone wrongs you. It’s not.”
She swallowed, curling her hands around her knees. “Obviously, I’m angry. I still can’t believe you would do that to me, but I don’t hate you, Jason.”
“I know I got way off track somewhere along the way,” he said, glancing at a hand-drawn picture sitting on the coffee table, one his daughter had made for her mother. He picked it up, smiling at the two stick figures holding hands as tears welled in his eyes. “I had it all and threw it away. That’s something I have to live with.”
Kendra peeked at me out of the corner of her eye. “We get more than one shot at happiness in this life. At least I like to think we do.”
I hoped that meant she was still counting on me to give her a second chance at the life she’d always dreamed of. But I knew we had a long way to go before we started making plans for the future. I had to earn her trust again, to make her believe that nothing and no one could ever give me reason to walk away from her again.
Jason looked from me to Kendra before he said, “I want you to get a second chance at happiness, Kendra. You deserve that. And I want Char to have the family she deserves, maybe another brother or sister—”
Kendra sucked in a sharp breath. “I can’t think about that now. I don’t know what’s in the cards for us, only that my top priority is making sure that she’s happy and feels secure.”
> “I want her to know how I feel about the possibility of you and Gabe being together.” He and Kendra made eye contact before he asked, “Assuming that’s something you still want?”
“I don’t know what I want, honestly. This is a lot to take in.”
I didn’t blame her for not being willing or able to take me back like nothing ever happened, but I hoped the day would come when she could forgive my mistakes and learn to love me again.
“About the divorce,” Jason said, twisting the simple gold wedding ring he’d never taken off. “I’m ready to move forward with it whenever you are.”
Kendra released a slow sigh, closing her eyes. “I’m glad to hear that. It’s the best thing for all of us, including our daughter. You know that, right?”
“I guess so.” His Adam’s apple bobbed repeatedly before he said, “It’s just hard to let go.”
“I know it is.” I was awed by the compassion I heard in Kendra’s voice when she said, “It’s never easy to let go. Don’t think this has been easy for me, Jason. It hasn’t. I loved you. There was a time I wanted us to be together forever.”
I was tempted to excuse myself, knowing this was a conversation I didn’t need to be a part of, but just as I was about to give them some time alone, Kendra’s eye met mine and she whispered, “But my heart is somewhere else now. It has been for a long time.”
“Right,” Jason said, clearing his throat. “So, uh, do you think I can talk to Char now?”
“Sure,” Kendra said, standing. “I’ll call her in.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kendra
I was still shocked by this turn of events. I didn’t know how to process it. Gabe had ended our relationship not because he didn’t love me, but because he was trying to save me from public humiliation that would have touched every area of my life.
As I listened to Jason tell our daughter that her mommy and daddy were getting a divorce, but that we would always be there for her, no matter what, my eyes drifted to the man who seemed to suck the oxygen out of every room he stepped into. Gabe.
Gabe (Steele Brothers #6) Page 18
