Philip and I sat together with his parents. Cousin Agatha and Cousin William Loring eventually joined us with Esmeralda. It was a kind of ritual—the two families together to celebrate the happy event. Cousin Agatha tried bravely to hide the fury in her heart and I had to admit she contrived to do so very well. But when I met her gaze once it was quite venomous.
Mr. Carrington said he thought there should be no unnecessary delay. Once two people had made up their minds and there was no reason why they should hesitate, they should marry.
When I said good night to Philip he said he would call next day. We had so many plans to make and he agreed with his father that there should be no delay.
I went to my room. I took off my serviceable ball gown. I would always keep it, I promised myself, even when I had magnificent Carrington ball gowns. I laughed to myself remembering the awe in which this household had always held that name. And now it was to be mine.
While combing my hair the door opened and Cousin Agatha came in. She was breathing deeply and was clearly holding her emotions in check.
She looked magnificent in her way—massive bosom heaving and her jewels glittering. She ought to have had a bowl of poison in one hand, a dagger in the other, and asked me to choose. It was her eyes which were daggers; her voice from which the poison dripped.
"Well," she said, "you have made a fine fool of us all."
I was in my petticoats, my hair about my shoulders.
"I?" I cried. I could not resist adding a little maliciously: "Why, I thought you would be pleased. It gets me off your hands!"
"You have suddenly grown innocent. I will admit you have done very well for yourself. You must have known all this time, and poor Esmeralda has been thinking that it would be her wedding which would be announced."
"I don't think she is disappointed."
"Ingratitude! Not that you have ever shown anything else. From the moment you entered this house you caused trouble. You are wicked and I am sorry for the Carringtons."
Why did I always want to incense her even further than I already had? But I did, and now I felt secure. I thought, I'll tell Philip about this. And then I was exultant because in the future I would have him to share things with. And I knew for the first time how very alone I had felt before.
"You have always led me to believe that the Carringtons are the most important family in London," I said. "I scarcely think they will want your pity."
"They do not seem to realize the... the ..."
"Viper you have been nursing in your bosom?" I suggested, rather insolently I'm afraid, but I was intoxicated with my success.
"Pray do not try me too far. You have betrayed our trust in you."
"I know such a marriage was not what you intended for me," I said. "And to be governess for the Oman Lemming children was not what I wanted for myself. Fate has intervened, and has raised me from the status of Poor Relation, which I can assure you, Cousin Agatha, has sometimes been hard to bear."
"When I think of all I did for you ... I took you into my home... ."
"Because you made a solemn promise to my grandmother."
"Because you were of the family."
"Though the connection was not strong," I added.
She clenched her fists. She knew she was beaten. I was too flushed with victory that night.
She turned and said: "You are a schemer. I might have known it with such a mother!"
And with that she went out, which was just as well, for if she had remained, heaven knew what I would have said to her.
How life had changed for me! I had laughed in the past about the importance of the Carringtons and had imagined that Cousin Agatha had admired them so because they were more wealthy than she was and the leaders of a social set into which she wished to climb. It was more than that. Josiah Carrington was not only a banker and financier of great standing in the City, he was also adviser to the government and a power in diplomatic circles. His eldest son Rollo was following in his footsteps close behind and Philip was limping along in the right direction. Lady Emily, the daughter of an earl, was most highly connected and had before her marriage had a place at Court. Cousin William Loring, although comfortably off, was small fry in comparison; it was for this reason that marriage into the family had been considered such an advantage and even the younger son Philip a very ripe and desirable plum.
That I, the outcast, the Poor Relation, should have won the prize was almost comical. Rose told me that belowstairs the staff were "laughing their heads off." They were glad because they had never thought much of Cousin Agatha and they relished this "smack in the eye," as they called it, which Master Philip had administered.
I marveled at the knowledge of those belowstairs; there was little of what went on above that they missed, as I had reason to know. It was amusing to me to have Rose as a go-between.
Philip was a great favorite, Rose told me. He'd always been full of fun and mischief. Mr. Rollo was different. Very cold and aloof he was; and since that mysterious marriage of his had been very touchy, Rose reckoned. Mr. Carrington was a good master. He was always off here and there, always pulling off this and that big deal. And Lady Emily, she was well liked but seemed to be always in a dream. Never knew the housemaid from the parlormaid and the cook swore she didn't know the difference between her and the butler. Nevertheless, she was one of those mistresses who are not ill liked. You'd never find her poring over the household accounts or querying the price of this and that. Carringtons' was a good place to be in.
Philip and I would not be going into it, but we were going to have a house nearby and we would of course use the country mansion when we wanted it as all the family did.
There would be the fun of choosing the house and Philip said we would set about it right away. I had to keep assuring myself I hadn't imagined the whole thing. There was I, who had never been sure of my room, with a house all my own! The news had quickly come out and because Philip was a Carrington we were photographed for the society papers.
I felt as if I were indeed dreaming. There was a big picture of me in the Tatler. "Miss Ellen Kellaway, who is to marry Mr. Philip Carrington. Miss Kellaway lives with her guardians, Mr. and Mrs. Loring of Knightsbridge, and Mr. Carrington is, of course, the second son of Mr. Josiah Carrington."
I had taken on new status. Esmeralda was delighted. She embraced me and said how happy she was, for she could see I was in my element.
"Of course," she said, "it was obvious all the time. He always liked you. You two were always the allies. Philip thought I was silly."
"He always really liked you," I said to comfort her.
"He despises me," she retorted. "Of course I wasn't adventurous like you. You two went so well together. You liked the same things. It's right, I know, Ellen. You'll be ever so happy."
I kissed her. "You are a dear, Esmeralda. Are you sure you don't really love Philip?"
"Quite sure," she answered emphatically. "I was terrified that he would ask me to marry him and I'd have to say yes because that was what Mama wanted. And then it all turned out this way!"
"I don't think your mother is very pleased."
"Well, I am," she said. "Oh, Ellen, I was dreading it."
Cousin Agatha had got over the first shock and was swallowing her disappointment. I wondered whether she was consoling herself that even a Poor Relation's link was better than none.
"Of course," she said, "you will have to have some clothes. We can't have people saying that we kept you short."
I said: "Don't worry, Cousin Agatha. Philip is not concerned in the least with my clothes and perhaps when I'm married he'll buy some for me."
"You talk like an idiot. Don't you realize that from now on you are going to be the cynosure of all eyes? People are going to try to discover what he sees in you." Her nose twitched to imply she could clearly not provide the answer to this conundrum. "You will have to be suitably clad. There will be functions... dinner parties and then of course the bride dress."
&nbs
p; "We don't want a lot of ceremony."
"You don't want it. You forget you will be marrying into the Carrington family." Again that twitch of the nose. "It's true, he is only a younger son. But, of course, a Carrington. When you are married you will be required to mix in certain circles. I doubt not you will wish Esmeralda, who has been your companion since childhood, to stay with you now and then."
I felt suddenly powerful. It was a marvelous feeling. I couldn't resist smiling benignly on Cousin Agatha and saying graciously that I hoped Esmeralda would be a frequent guest at my house.
I'm happy, I thought. I'm gloriously happy. Everything has changed. Talk about Cinderella! Fancy Philip's being my fairy godmother! I suppose this is being in love.
"I couldn't have people saying that we had not given you of the best," she went on. "This strange thing has happened and unless Philip changes his mind it seems that you will marry into the family. You will always remember of course your amazing good luck and whence it came. No doubt you will feel gratitude towards those who cared for you and but for whom you would never have been presented with this golden opportunity."
I let her talk on. Happiness had made me more generous, and it seemed a small compensation for her disappointment. Fortunately I was never of a vindictive nature and could quickly forget the slights and indignities of my childhood.
"I'm afraid Tilly will not be capable of coping with what we shall need. She could make a housedress or so perhaps. Lady Emily may wish you to go to her couturiere. You will need a very elegant going-away dress and of course there is the wedding dress. I was speaking to your cousin Mr. Loring about it only a short while ago. He is willing to foot the bills so that you may step into your new life with grace. After all, as I said to him, it will reflect on us, and we have Esmeralda's future to think of."
I was scarcely listening. So many exciting things were happening.
Philip was always calling at the house. We rode together in the Row. I had a new riding habit—a present from Mr. Loring, prodded no doubt by Cousin Agatha because riding in the Row made one very prominent. We were constantly being photographed.
"What a bore," said Philip. "Who wants all this? I just want us to get away together."
He was very happy and it was wonderful to know that he was so much in love with me. He teased me and bantered with me just as he always had; and we were constantly engaged, it seemed, in our verbal battle, which was a delight to us both. I was nineteen, he was nearly twenty-one, and life seemed good to us. I don't think he knew very much more of the world than I did, which was precious little. Sometimes, though, it is better to know little of what the future has in store.
It was pleasant to be welcomed by his family. Lady Emily's vagueness was rather charming and she confided in me once that she was looking forward to the little babies we would have. She liked to talk a great deal in a rambling fashion. There had always been boys in the Carrington family, she told me. She had had Rollo a year after her marriage and then there was a long gap before Philip arrived. Two very different boys they were. "Rollo used to frighten me sometimes, my dear. He was so clever. Philip was not like that."
It was a Carrington tradition to have boys, and in view of Rollo's misfortune in marriage Philip and I were to be the ones to produce the all-important male Carringtons. There was a certain implication that Philip and I should not delay too long before producing the first grandson.
The thought of having a baby thrilled me and there was not a cloud in my sky during those first weeks after the dance. I think I really believed it would go on like that forever.
We went down to the country for a week as the Carringtons wanted to celebrate our engagement among their friends there. I had always been attracted by the house from the first moment I had seen it, but now that I was to be a member of the family and it would occasionally be my home too, I was more than ever excited by it.
Trentham Towers was an old mansion dating back to Tudor times, although a great deal of reconstruction had been done on it during later periods. Built on a hill, it looked imperiously down on the countryside in what I had thought of as a true Carrington manner. But since I had been taken into the family I realized I had maligned them. It was Cousin Agatha who had given me my opinion of them. No family could have welcomed me more warmly, which was really very remarkable considering the circles in which they moved.
I told Philip I wanted to look over the house and, catching my excitement, as he often did about something which in the ordinary way would have been of little interest to him (it was one of his most endearing characteristics), he was delighted to show me. I was familiar with the gardens, which I had explored thoroughly during my childhood, and it was the house which interested me.
He took me through the great hall to the chapel, then to the dining room, where the portraits of his mother's family were displayed.
After that he led me down a stone spiral staircase and, throwing open a heavy oak door, he explained: "This is the old armory. It's now our gun room."
"What a lot of weapons!" I cried. "I hope they're just for ornament."
He laughed at me. "They're used now and then during the season. I'm a crack shot, I can tell you."
"I hate shooting things," I said vehemently.
"I don't suppose you mind partaking of a succulent pheasant now and then," he said. He had opened a case lined with red satin, in which was a silver-gray pistol and a place for another.
"Isn't that a beauty?" he demanded.
"I'd scarcely call it that."
"That's your ignorance, my darling."
"Where's the other one? There should be two, shouldn't there?"
"Oh, that's in a safe place."
"What do you mean by that?"
"What if I'm alone in a wing of the house? Stealthy footsteps creeping along the corridor. The door opens slowly and in comes a man in a mask. He's going to steal the silver, the pictures, the family treasure. What do I do? I feel under my pillow. I draw out my pistol. 'Hands up, villain,' I cry. And what happens? What can he do against me and my little beauty? The family treasure is saved and all because of this." He touched the pistol lovingly before he closed the case.
"You don't really keep a pistol under your pillow, do you, Philip?"
"Until we are married, yes. After that I shall have you to protect me."
"You are an idiot," I said. "And I don't like these guns and things. Let's continue exploring."
"Your wish is law," answered Philip. "Come on."
I loved the old butteries and storing houses. I was enchanted by the room in which Queen Elizabeth was reputed to have slept; there was even the four-poster bed which she was said to have used. The most delightful room was the solarium with its sunny aspect. It was here that I turned to Philip and said: "When shall I meet Rollo's wife?"
Philip looked uneasy. "We don't meet her. We don't even talk about her. It's the most unfortunate thing and so unlike Rollo. One couldn't imagine him involved in anything like that. He's always been so wrapped up in the business... finance and all that... every bit as much as my father... perhaps more. They're always dashing about the world, discussing the market. It seemed to me that they didn't think about anything else. And then to marry like that!"
"It was a hasty marriage then?"
"It must have been. I didn't hear anything about it until it was a fait accompli. Then after the honeymoon he found out."
"Found out what?"
"I never heard the details. I just knew she wasn't the sort who could mix in society ... his sort of society. She wasn't one of us. She would be a hindrance in his career. There was also a rumor that she drank too much."
"And this didn't come out until after?"
"I suppose so... or he wouldn't have married her."
"I should have thought some of it would have been obvious. Not being able to meet people, for instance."
"Well, he must have been infatuated with her. It's a common enough story. He married in haste and when all the excite
ment wore off he realized his mistake."
"It seems so odd that that should have happened to him. He seems the last person to be carried away by his emotions."
"People are often not what you think. You're sure you know someone and then you find they do the last thing you'd expect them to. That's how it was with Rollo. In any case it was a ghastly mistake and he keeps her out of the way. She lived in this house at one time. He engaged a companion for her. But it was difficult with the family coming down as they did. So now she's somewhere else."
"Where?"
"I don't know. We don't talk of it. It's Rollo's affair. He wants it that way."
"He must be very unhappy."
"You never know with Rollo. But don't speak of it to my mother. It upsets her. Everyone's upset by it ... most of all Rollo, of course, but he doesn't show it much. He never did show his feelings."
"I wonder what she feels like... being kept away from the family... knowing that they're ashamed of her."
"She probably doesn't care. People like that can be insensitive."
"You said she was once in this house."
"Yes, for a while Rollo kept her here. There was a very good woman who looked after her... and then when it seemed impossible ... they left here."
"I'd like to see the rooms she occupied."
"Whatever for?"
"I've just a feeling I'd like to."
"They're right at the top."
"Come on," I commanded. "Show me."
We mounted the oak staircase with its delicately carved banisters, and came almost to the top of the house. A spiral staircase took us right there. These lacked the lofty ceilings of the lower rooms and were much smaller. There were four of them together—a sort of apartment with connecting doors. Two of these were bedrooms. One for Rollo's wife, I thought. One for her companion.
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