I put the phone down and shake my head. My mum is amazing, but sometimes she’s as crazy as fuck.
“Put your makeup on. I’m doing a special feature about us on my Vlog. One that will make you feel safe and secure that I’m not running off with any Vloggers, okay?”
Lindsay looks at me and chews her lip. “Okay. But if this is a trick and you make me look stupid, I’ll twist your dick off.”
She’s so romantic.
Finally, I get her lined up on the camera, and hit the live feed.
“Hi, everyone, Ty here. Just a quick Vlog tonight to introduce you properly to my girl. This is Lindsay, who I went to all the effort for with my manbag and I’m pleased to say it worked beautifully because she’s agreed to move in with me. Say hi to everyone, Linds.”
“Hi, everyone.” She waves. Then she tongues me live. It’s a good job my camera is on a tripod and not in my hand. My bottom half is off camera, thank God, because I bet I look like a walking tripod I’m that hard.
I bring the Vlog to a close.
“Good,” Lindsay says. “That’ll show the other women you’re taken. By the way, you won me over with your manbag? Really?”
I shrug. “It’ll sell more books, and more books mean more money, and more money means we could save for a deposit on a house, rather than this rental.
“Oh my God,” she squeals and snogs me again. Then she takes me to bed.
I wink at the elf on the Shelf as I walk past it and hope to God my mother hasn’t installed a camera in it.
Chapter Eleven
Dora
Tuesday 20 December 2016
The doorbell rings as I’m taking a batch of baking out of the oven. Cursing as three of the cookies slide onto the floor, I lift the tray with the remaining ones and place it onto the worktop. If it’s a charity collector, I’ll stuff the ruined ones up their arse.
I open the door. Worse, it’s my neighbour Lynda. Now Lynda is fine. Really. We can count on each other to take in parcels, fetch each other's washing in if it rains, but I don’t class her as a friend. Harsh maybe but she’s the sort of person who if life is giving you lemons, she’d squeeze them. I don’t know why but she delights in others' misfortune while acting as if she’s being sympathetic.
“Just popped in to see how you were as you’ve not put any decorations up. It’s so unlike you, is everything alright?”
She walks past me and towards the kitchen. “I can’t stop long because Tara’s coming with Amy.”
Tara is her daughter and Amy her three-year-old granddaughter. With how she talks about them you’d think we’d had the second coming.
“Do you want a coffee?”
“Tea please, if you’ve got it?”
If I’ve got it? Who the fuck doesn’t have tea bags?
I fill and flick on the kettle and transfer the cookies onto the cooling trays. Lynda picks up one that fell on the floor, taking a bite.
I open my mouth.
“Sorry, did you want paying for it?”
“No.” I shake my head and leave her to eat it. It didn’t go past the five-second rule so she should live.
“So, why no decorations?”
I shrug my shoulders. “There’s only me bothered. We’re having Christmas at Cam’s. I gave the decorations I bought to Ty cos he didn’t have any, and couldn’t be arsed to get any more.”
She touches my arm, tilts her head and lets her mouth turn into a sad pout. “That is so not like you. Wait until you have grandchildren, you’ll get excited again. Christmas is about the young ones, isn’t it?”
I shuffle on my feet. Please God, I promise to get excited about Christmas if you don’t let me be pregnant.
“Tara’s coming to ours Christmas Eve so sorry if you hear a lot of screeching through the walls early doors, only we’ve got Amy some amazing gifts.”
“No, that’ll be fine. I’ll probably sleep through as I’m intending to get rat-arsed with having no meal to cook the next day. Leisurely opening of gifts and then food at Cam’s.” I start to warm up to the idea of a Christmas free household, where I can have a lie in.
“Well, I’m all trimmed up. I was hoping to win the neighbourhood Christmas Kerb Appeal competition, but those up the road have gone a bit OTT.”
I stand still. “What Christmas Kerb Appeal competition?”
“It was in the local newsletter that comes through the door. £200 Meadowhall shopping voucher and a real Christmas tree to the house that has the best kerb appeal.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “What’s the house up the road done?”
“They spent hours trimming it up last night. It’s got light-up reindeers and a large inflatable Santa.”
My mind flickers at one hundred miles an hour. My heart beats faster. “When does the competition close?”
“This Friday, the 23rd.”
I shrug my shoulders again. “If only I was doing Christmas. Good luck with your entry.” Then I finish making her drink and chat about nonsense as I inwardly think of my next course of action.
Tim gets home and after a visit to our bedroom to get changed he finds an elf hanging in his wardrobe.
“Dora. Come here.”
I walk upstairs, face schooled and devoid of emotion.
“What, Tim? I’m trying to finish dinner.”
“What’s this weird thing in my wardrobe? I nearly had a fucking heart attack. Is it to prevent moths?”
I pick it up. “It’s an Elf on a shelf.”
Tim’s brow furrows. “A what?”
I explain the significance of them.
“What’s it doing in my wardrobe?”
“I’ve no idea.” I look around the wardrobe and then gaze at the floor and pick up the note that has fallen off. “Here, what’s this?”
T/D
I’m an elf, hanging round
Not making a sound.
Christmas should go pop.
With a small hat on top.
I don’t want these with cheese.
But at Christmas we need them, pretty please.
“It’s crackers. I get it,” Tim exclaims over my shoulder. “But who’s it from?”
“I know, it’s stupid.”
“No. It’s a puzzle. The answer is Christmas crackers.”
“Oh,” I exclaim. “So it is. Well, it says T/D which could mean Tim and Dora, or it could mean Tim/Dad. I reckon it’s from Cam. I bet she wants us to have Christmas crackers after all and this is her way of avoiding the embarrassment of admitting it.”
“Can you get her some then?”
“No. She might not want me to know about it. You can get them when you buy your family’s Christmas presents.”
“What?” splutters Tim.
“I told you. I’m not doing the Christmas thing, so either you buy and wrap your family’s presents, or no one gets anything. You implied I was wasting money remember?”
“On decorations. I didn’t mean don’t buy presents.”
I walk out of the room.
My mobile phone rings.
“Dora.”
“Hey, Dylan. Is everything okay with, Cam?”
“Yes, fine. I wondered if you could offer some advice? It would mean keeping a secret.”
I sit back, waiting for a juicy titbit. “Of course. Anything.”
“Leo’s going to propose to Beth.”
I almost choke. “Pardon?”
“The thing is. You said no to Tim. Do you think Beth will say yes?”
“I’m sure she will. She loves Leo dearly.”
“But you love Tim, yet you still said no. He wants to do it on Christmas Day, but he’s too nervous in front of everyone.”
“Dylan. My situation with Cam’s dad is entirely different. Tim told me for many, many years that he didn’t want to get married. It was hurtful at the time, and all these years later I won’t officially marry him. We have our post-it note though.”
“So you really think she’ll say yes?”
“I
really do. Now, how is he planning to do it?”
“I don’t think he’s got that far yet.”
“Well, I know a good trick using a Christmas pudding…”
Time to give the daughter a call.
“Cam, darling.”
“Hi, Mum, what’s up? Only I’ve only just got in.”
“Not keeping you. You know how I gave Tyler those decorations?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’d like to propose to trim up the outside of your house. I realise it would need to be tasteful, but I thought we could raise money for charity as part of that Christmas Kerb Appeal competition.”
“So what did you have in mind, Mum?”
I tell her my plans.
“That sounds wonderful. Should raise lots of money for charity and can promote Kid Zone at the same time.”
“And it means I can still do something towards Christmas.”
“I love it. I give you a free reign over the outside of the house.”
Thanks, darling.
I walk into the bedroom later that night dressed as a naughty elf and give Tim an early Christmas present. It’s been a bloody good day.
Chapter Twelve
Beth
Wednesday 21 December 2016
You think life may actually be going well for you and then bam, just like that. A bolt from the blue. In this case a bolt from the blue-rinsed Mrs Dodds who lives nearby. She catches me as I’m taking Trey for a walk to the park.
“Hello, lovie. Are you all settled in?”
“Yes, thank you. Looking forward to our first Christmas there. How are you?”
“Oh, well, you know. I’d be alright if that GP at the practice would take me seriously when I say my jaw hurts.”
This is unsurprising news, given that she never shuts up.
“Anyway, are you all better now?”
“Sorry? We’re all fine.”
“Oh, only I noticed the nurse visit the other day.”
“Nurse?”
“Yes, love. She passed me in her car and then went up to yours. I was worried something had happened to the little one.”
“No. We’re all fine.” I start to wonder why a nurse would have visited our house and if so, why Leo wouldn’t have mentioned it.
“Oh. Well, I know I’m old, but it was definitely a nurse. Although she didn’t look as if she wanted to be seen.”
“I’m sure it was nothing. Anyway, we’re all fine, so that’s what matters.”
“Very true, love.”
Mrs Dodds goes on her way. Leaving me wondering if we are fine if there’s a mystery woman coming to the house.
I’m about to question Leo on my return. However, he’s on the phone and so ensconced in his conversation he doesn’t realise I’m back. I direct Trey to his toys in the living room and listen at the edge of the door.
“No, she has no idea.”
What?
“Don’t worry I have a locked drawer in my desk now, so she can’t see it.”
He makes more umming and aahing noises. “Feeling shaky about it to be honest. What if it goes wrong? No, no way is it happening until Christmas. She’ll be surrounded by family and friends. That’s what she’d want.”
Oh my fucking God. Is he dying?
“Well, thanks for the advice and for keeping the secret. Not long now and it will be out in the open. I need to keep calm and carry on until then. Yep, bye.”
I scurry away from the doorway and into the lounge and hand Trey some toys.
Leo wanders in, his eyes widen.
“Beth! How long have you been back?”
“We just got in. Listen, we saw Mrs Dodds. She said a nurse was here a few days ago.”
Leo pulls a face. “What would a nurse be doing here?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking.”
“There’s no nurse been here, Beth. She’s obviously going senile. Right, I’m making a brew, do you want one?”
With that, he walks out of the room. My heart thuds in my chest. Is he ill? I can’t lose him when we’ve only recently found each other, but it looks like he’s going to make me wait until Christmas before he tells me. Until then I need to keep an eye on him, make sure he doesn’t overdo things.
Thursday 22 December 2016
The following day I go into work and tell Cam everything.
“Why didn’t you ask him if he was ill?”
“Because if he is, I’m not sure I can face it. Anyway, there are only a few more days. I’ll go ahead and propose on Christmas Day, until death do us part and all that.”
Cam shakes her head. “Beth you’re running away again.”
I change the subject. “What do you think is in his desk drawer?”
“How do I know? His last will and testament?”
“Oh my God. What if it is? What if Leo’s going to die?” I clutch Cam’s arm.
“Beth,” Cam shouts. “Leo is not terminally ill. He’ll have been discussing a Christmas present. The guys have been chatting among themselves. Now get a grip and get in the kitchen.”
My bottom lips wobbles.
“Jesus. I’ll ask Dylan if he knows anything, okay? Now calm down.”
“Can you ring him, like right now? It would help.”
Fifteen minutes later, Cam looks into the kitchen. “He’s not dying, but that’s all I can tell you. You’ll find out at Christmas.”
“Tell me,” I shout. “What’s going on?”
“Nope. Can’t explain the nurse though. That old biddy is probably seeing things.”
I take a deep breath. “Thanks, Cam.”
“What are best mates for?”
Indeed. Now, what is my other half really up to?
Chapter Thirteen
Dylan
Well after saying I’d keep Leo’s proposal a secret, I’ve told Dora and now Cam, who seemed ecstatic to know that Leo wasn’t dying. How the female mind works is really beyond me. I swore her to secrecy, and she said no problem; she was good at keeping them. Now, I’m wondering what secrets she’s keeping from me. I’m glad the Christmas do is becoming a joint engagement party because, to be honest, I’d wondered if Cam was all that interested in getting married. She’d loved the proposal, and for a couple who were really into each other, we couldn’t leave each other alone at first. Then the business took over and well, I know she has to work hard, but she’s always tired. I’m going to chat with her in the New Year about handing over more responsibility to Gemma. Cam has Sunday’s off, and I think she needs one other day off a week. She’s been looking tired and pale this last week or so, but as stubborn as usual, refuses to see the doctor as that would mean taking time off.
So in the meantime, I’m cooking the dinner when I get home from the bank so she gets a decent meal, even if half the time it's gone ten pm by the time she eats it. I spend most of my evenings with our cat Bob and doing DIY in the new house. It’s only around the corner from my old house, but we wanted a fresh start together, and this one has three bedrooms and a separate dining room.
I lift open my toolbox and scream. There’s a fucking evil elf in it. How the hell has that got there? There’s a note.
D.
Sometimes when you can’t admit things yourself.
You send in a friend, an Elf on the Shelf.
I thought a buffet would be a winner.
But actually, I think we need a dinner.
So keep my secret but help me out.
Cook up a feast and don’t forget the sprouts.
Bloody hell. Cam’s turning into her mother with her daft ideas. Still, we’ve an extra fridge and freezer in the garage from when we put our two households together. I grab a pen and paper and make a list. I’ll put the food in there, though if she didn’t feel like cooking, she could have asked instead of using this daft elf. Perhaps she was scared I’d say no. We really are going to have to get our heads together. She’s taking too much on, and it’s having an impact on me. I have a full-time job of my own,
and now I have Christmas dinner to cook when we could have been going around to Dora’s after a lie-in. Things need to change.
Cam
For fuck’s sake, I must be frigging insane. I couldn’t find the outfit Beth got from Leo, so I bought some thick red ribbon from the local haberdashery store instead. I get home, feeling absolutely jiggered. Christmas at the play centre has been insane with all the parties and our own events. The circus folk went down really well, and I’ll definitely team up with them again for some fun activities at the Centre. After swallowing down the lovely roast dinner left in the oven by Dylan, I excuse myself to my room where I attempt to wrap the ribbon around me. I wrap from my back to my bust twice and then try to put it between my legs and back up, which is how Beth described hers. This is how Dylan finds me when he walks into our bedroom with folded washing in his hand.
“Erm…”
“Fuck this.” I try to unwrap the ribbon, but as I take a step forward, I trip over the bit trailing on the floor and faceplant the bed. The ribbon between my legs almost slices my innards.
“Cam. What are you doing?” Dylan asks, placing the washing down on the chest of drawers.
“I’m trying to be a Sexy Santa,” I reply, my voice muffled through the duvet cover.
“Oooh,” says Dylan, jumping on the bed.
I roll over. “Well it hasn’t worked has it, so bugger off.”
“Not a chance.” There’s a devilish glint in Dylan’s eye. “Stay there, I’ll be back in a moment.”
He returns from the bathroom with nail scissors and removes the ribbon wrapped tightly around my body, cutting it into three pieces. One he blindfolds me with, and the other two he uses to tie my wrists to the headboard.
“Oooh, Mrs Christmas. I think my present for you is coming.” Dylan’s voice is full of mischief as he parts my legs and delivers.
Chapter Fourteen
Jingle Balls (Ball Games #5) Page 6
