by Stacy Borel
He flipped me over and laid on top of me. His eyes still looked sleepy, and his brown hair was spiky from having his face buried under a pillow. It was very endearing.
“I’ll do what you asked.”
I looked at him confused. “What did I ask?”
“The other girls. I want you to know that they are nothing. I keep them around for one reason or another, but they don’t have to be there anymore. So, I’ll do what you want me to do. I’ll stop seeing them. But I want you to know that I’m putting my faith in you. I don’t just trust people, but I’m choosing to trust you.”
Wow, well that came out of the blue, and yet, I felt skeptical. “Seriously? You mean that?”
“Yes, I’ll try. I can’t promise that I’ll be perfect. But I care about you. You do know I’ve let you in more than I’ve allowed anybody in a very long time, right?”
“I assumed so, yes.”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “I had a really rough start in life, Chandler.”
“I know you did.”
He laid back and I followed him, getting myself situated in my little nook of his arm.
“Yeah, you know the bare bones of my story, but you don’t know the details. My dad died when I was a young kid. I didn’t cope with it very well. For a long time, I was in denial. That had lasted for about three years before all of that pent-up emotion came pouring out, and I became a very angry and aggressive teenager. I was fighting at school and getting into trouble all the time. Someone I met at a gym taught me a new way to channel all that anger. I found different ways of release, instead of using my fists. You asked about the others, but really, they are just a way to get some of that aggression out. Besides that, I work out, and I take on jobs that are physically demanding.”
I felt more confused than before we started this conversation. “Okay, but I’m here. I don’t get why you wouldn’t just tell me when you needed something.”
I got the sense that he wasn’t good with words when it came to explaining this particular subject. “It’s not like that. You are a good girl, and I’m not good for you. I’m going to end up breaking you. It always happens.”
“Only I give the power to break me. If I don’t place that kind of power in your hands, you wouldn’t be able to.” I had to lie.
His fingers rubbed up my spine and back down again. “Did you forget that I’m good at reading people? You’re probably one of the easiest to read. You keep your emotions written all over your face. I could break you, Chandler. If I really wanted to, my words would leave you on the floor.”
“Why would you want to do something like that?”
“I don’t. I’m just saying I know that I could.”
I didn’t like that he could know this about me so easily. I also didn’t like that he knew or thought about the words that he could say that would damage me. What kind of person was I dealing with? A masochist? No. I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that he would do something like that. Although, deep down, I knew that he might have a small part of him that enjoyed knowing he could control me like that. Use my own emotion and feelings toward him to dictate how I proceeded with him. It was completely unfair. I had nothing over him. He held it all.
“Please don’t. I know you say you can read me, but you don’t know the extent of the things I’ve dealt with in my own life, and I just want something, just one thing to go right. To make me happy.”
He sounded stern. “Chandler, I told you that I’m not your happily ever after. I can’t give that to you. I’m too damaged.”
“Do you know how unfair and selfish that sounds?”
Dawson shrugged. “It’s the truth.”
“So, basically you’re setting all of this up to fail before it even gets a chance to see if it’s any good?”
“Like I said, I can’t be that person you want me to be.”
I closed my eyes and tried to fight off the cracking of my already fragile heart. Here was a man telling me that he’d give me ‘here and now’ to the best of his ability but not a promise of even a semi-long term attempt. I could move forward the only way I knew how. With my whole heart and feet first.
“It’s okay. I’ll take you how I can get you. You’re worth it, you know. If I didn’t see something in you that wasn’t worth all the risk, I wouldn’t be here.”
He kissed the top of my head. “That means a lot.”
“Good.” I sighed. All of this deep emotional talk made me hungry and wanting to get up and move about my day. “You want pancakes?”
The sly little smirk he gave made my heart pitter-patter. “And coffee, with ice.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”
SETH WAS GETTING IN HIS car and leaving. “Where are you going? We aren’t done here.”
He paused by the driver’s side door looking over the hood. “Yes, we are. I can’t keep dealing with an emotionally unavailable woman. Seriously, Chandler. What happened to that bright, vibrant, and vivacious girl I knew in college?”
She fucking left that was where she went. You sucked the life of her. “I don’t know. But please, don’t go.” It made me feel lower than low that I was even begging. But it was what I did with him every single time we fought.
“You’ve said that before. What’s going to change this time?”
“I don’t know, Seth. But I don’t think you should be driving while you’re this worked up. Just come back in the house, and we can talk about it.” Everything he said was true. I was emotionally unavailable.
“I can’t. Too many empty promises. I love you, Chandler, but not enough to keep doing this to myself. Why don’t you call me when you decide what it is that you want.”
I watched him as he got into his Porsche and skidded out of the driveway. Walking back into my large and way too quiet house, I wondered how long was long enough to wait to call him or if I should give it a day or two before I went crawling back, kissing his ass. Why did I do this? I wasn’t happy. But I always bent to his will and his needs. It was never about what I wanted. It was what Seth wanted and needed. Unavailable….I let that word simmer.
That was the last fight I’d had with Seth. I called him later that night and apologized. I promised that I’d be better. I’d give him sex when he wanted it, and I wouldn’t push him away. I told him I’d try my best to go to all his work functions and be the doting fiancée. I knew what he wanted and needed. I also knew that I wouldn’t ever be able to fulfill my ‘duties’ as Seth Owen’s wife. It was like being a prisoner.
I’d not spoken to Seth since being out here. I knew it was at the point that my dad could no longer hold him off, and Sydney was no longer responding to any text messages that I’d sent her. She was giving up on me as I had her. I should have been more sad about my lifelong friend being so disconnected from me, but I had enough feelings to sort through without throwing hers in the mix. I’d deal with it later. Well, it was now or never. I needed to speak with Seth. Standing out on the deck, I dialed his number.
He answered on the third ring. “Chandler?”
“Hi, Seth.”
“You finally decided to call.” He always sounded so business-like with me.
I didn’t really know what to say. “How are you doing?”
“How am I doing?” He was being condescending. “Well, seeing as how my fiancée suddenly disappeared and didn’t tell anyone where she was going, but somehow found time to call her friend and her father but couldn’t call me, I’d say I’m pretty fucking peachy.”
Okay, I deserved that. “I’m sorry, Seth. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
He laughed. “Ha! Oh, I worried all right. Jesus Christ, what were you thinking?”
“I’ll explain everything if you’re willing to listen and stop yelling at me.”
I heard him take a few deep breathes. “Okay.”
The only place to start was to dive right in. “Seth, I have been lost for the last two years. I’ve been in our house, doing everything I could to make sure t
hat I was making you happy, and somehow I lost sight of my happy. I’m not saying it’s your fault because I let it happen. But I had to get out; I needed room to breathe to figure out what I was doing with my life.”
“If you needed a breather, Chandler, all you had to do was tell me and you could have avoided all of this. Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through? I had called the police to file a missing person’s report.”
I gasped. “Why would you do that? Sydney told you that I was okay; she just didn’t know where I was.”
“Because no matter what you told Sydney, you didn’t tell me, your fiancé. That’s the sort of information that I should have been privy to, but you chose to be selfish and put your own needs above everyone else’s.”
This right here, this was why I was leaving. The way he always found a way to talk down to me. I felt like I was more his child than his partner. I wasn’t his equal and I never was. I didn’t even realize till now that I’d formed a hate for Seth.
“Well, sorry for not putting everyone else first instead of myself. You’re absolutely right. I should have put aside my needs and been what you needed,” I nearly growled.
“Don’t act like an adolescent, Chandler.”
“Don’t treat me like one, Seth.”
The dead air went through the phone. You know what; screw this. I was sick of the way he spoke to me. I didn’t owe him anything or any respect. Considering the way that he was being toward me right now, I was done. No waiting. I was ending it.
“Seth, I don’t think you and I will work out.”
He half coughed, half laughed. “Is this you telling me that you are ending the engagement?”
“Yes, it is.”
“And you didn’t think you could have waited to talk to me about this when you got home?”
“No. Why wait? It’s been coming for far too long. I haven’t felt the same way for you in longer than I can remember. I’d rather let this go now instead of dragging it out.” He was being formal with me; well, I’d be formal with him.
“Chandler, I think you need to think this through.” I was finally getting his attention.
A cold chilly air blew past me and I shivered. I wanted to hang up so I could go inside and sit by the fire.
“No. I’ve decided. This is never going to work. We are two very different people, and we simply don’t blend anymore.”
“Huh… wow. Well, I can’t say I’m not surprised.” I looked out over the snow, and I thought of Dawson. I wanted him home so I could tell him about all of this. “Are you even listening?”
“I’m here.”
“You’re not taking everything. Some of the things that are in that house we accumulated together. We can split it all up whenever you get home, but in the meantime, I’ll be living there. If you are coming back, I’d appreciate a heads-up so that I may leave.” He was lashing out, but that was fine. My feelings were detached, and I couldn’t muster anything more than a shrug.
I should have argued that it was technically my house. He knew this better than anyone. But it was moot at this point. “Fine.” So much was turned upside down in my life and I didn’t want to hang up on this note. “And Seth, for what it’s worth, I really am sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
His voice cracked. The hard exterior was breaking through. “You’re right, it wasn’t. It was supposed to be you and me.”
“I know,” I spoke softly.
The line went dead; he hung up. I couldn’t say I blamed him, but I needed to do something to start fixing the mistakes I’d been making in my life. Slipping my phone in my pocket, I went inside and sat in front of the fire with my palms out till Dawson got home.
I WISH THINGS HAD STAYED in that perfect little bubble in front of the fire. Unfortunately, nothing is ever perfect. I had a good two days with Dawson, and then he went back to being his short temperamental self. I didn’t understand it. Why couldn’t he just make things easy? He’d just come in from a day that had lasted longer than others and he was being snippy. I’d told him this morning that I would have dinner cooked, but he never bothered to tell me that he was going to be two hours after his normal time. So when he stepped in the door, a fight was already brewing.
“Hey, how was your day?”
He literally threw his shit down and marched past me into the kitchen. “Fucking long. I’m tired, and I’m hungry.”
I set my e-reader down and watched him move about the kitchen opening cupboards and slamming drawers.
“I thought you said you were cooking?”
“I did.” I laughed. “I made you plate, it’s in the oven.”
He opened the door, pulled out the plate, and cursed as he threw it on the counter. Food went all over the place. I stood from the couch and came in the kitchen. He was cursing and his fingers went straight to his mouth.
“What the fuck. You could have told me it was going to be hot.”
“When you opened the oven, did you not feel the warmth or bother asking me if it was hot?”
He glared at me. “Why would you have the oven on in the first place?”
I rolled my eyes as I grabbed a washcloth and started wiping the counter down. Baked chicken and green beans had landed all over the place.
“I had it on low so your food kept warm. I didn’t know when you were going to be home.”
“I swear, sometimes you don’t think, Chandler,” he scolded.
I twisted on him and scoffed. “Are you serious right now? You’re yelling at me because you couldn’t realize that the oven was on, even though the light said it was, and it was toasty inside? Yeah, okay. It wasn’t me who wasn’t thinking, Dawson.”
“Just shut up.”
I was two seconds away from handing him his ass. “You had better settle down. I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. You may have had a shitty long day at work, but that doesn’t give you the right to come in here and start taking it out on me. I fucking made you dinner. How about a thank-you?”
He just shook his head and went to the fridge, taking out a gallon of milk and drinking straight from the jug. His irritation levels were through the roof and I knew I should have backed off, but I didn’t. Why should I have? Talking to a normal person wouldn’t have resulted in a fight that was so childish. In fact, a normal person wouldn’t be so aggressively angry and lash out at someone just because they simply were standing there. But I wasn’t dealing with a normal person. This was Dawson. There were times that I had to tread carefully and walk on eggshells because I didn’t know if he would blow.
Going to the fridge that he left open, I took out the chicken that I’d made earlier and started fixing him another plate.
“What are you doing?” he growled.
“What does it look like? I’m being nice and making you another plate.”
I was in the middle of scooping some roasted potatoes when he said, “Don’t bother. I’m going back in town and getting something.”
I gaped. “What? Why?”
He moved around me and didn’t answer. He simply put his boots back on and left. I got no explanation and no apology for any of it. What on Earth had gotten into him? He’d snapped at me before but not like this. This was blatant disrespect and I didn’t deserve it. In fact, when he got back home, I was going to make sure he knew that the way he spoke to me was complete bullshit and he couldn’t treat me that way. At some point, I had to grow a backbone and stand up to him. He didn’t control this entire… whatever we were. I had some say in how this all played out. And being kind was a gesture that I should expect from my partner.
I never got the chance to tell him. When he didn’t come home by midnight, I called the only taxi company in Big Sky and asked to be picked up and taken into town. It wouldn’t be hard to find him in that little town, and neither would finding my Rover. Every cell in me told me I knew where’d I’d find him anyway.
As we drove past all the small shops and businesses, I gave the driver an address. Turns out my obsessive �
��stalking’ when it came to Dawson’s hook-ups came in handy. When we pulled up to the front of the house, my Rover was parked in the driveway. The taxi stopped out on the curb in front, but I did not intend to get out. I simply stared, with tear filled eyes and my heart in my stomach. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
“Ma’am, we’re here.” The gentleman spoke over his shoulder, peering at me in the rearview mirror.
I couldn’t speak. Every little moment was playing through my head like a movie. The times that he made me laugh, the fights, the intimacy… all of it. Up until this moment, I was able to deal with everything he’d thrown at me. This slammed me in my core. This was no worse than actually walking up to that bedroom and physically seeing him with the woman he was with. This was Dawson’s typical MO. I think despite him having a bad day, this had everything to do with the fact that things had been going well. A good day with Dawson was like being equivalent to a week. This was all very simple for me.
I made him nervous.
I was real. I wasn’t a fleeting relationship. I didn’t behave like the girls that he picked up at the bars or wherever else he found them. I was kind, and I genuinely cared about people. My emotions and feelings for him were real, and he sensed it. He read it from me from the moment that I started feeling them, and it scared him. So regardless of his ‘bad day,’ Dawson was sabotaging a good thing before it even got off the ground. And I wondered if he even realized he was doing it.
“Ma’am, is this the correct address or would you like me to take you somewhere else?” the guy asked again.
I sighed, and a single tear slid down my cheek. “Please, just take me back to my house.”
“You sure?”
I nodded and the cab turned around. I didn’t need to see anything else. I was going to go back to the cabin and booking a flight back to Maine. It was evident that my housemate and I needed to spend a little bit of time away from each other and maybe figure out what was going on. Dawson needed a hard reality check that this sort of thing wasn’t something that I could put up with any longer. When he told me that he would try, I took that to heart. You didn’t run back to old habits when things got hard. Find a new way of doing things. If you couldn’t, then let me know; I would have found some way to move on. Even if that meant leaving the house and finding somewhere else to go.
