by Stacy Borel
If this was really my answer, then why did I feel such an ache deep down in my gut that was more painful than the wounds I’d sustained? Only time would tell I guess. In the meantime, I’d have to figure out what it was that these people wanted me to say in order to get out of here without going any crazier than they already thought I was. Forty-eight hours, Chandler. You could do this.
IT WAS MY FOURTH DAY in the hospital and I was lying in bed watching some soap opera that I used to watch religiously, but hadn’t seen in years. Pretty sure one of the characters had been killed off, but for whatever reason she was alive and well. Gotta love soap storylines. Oh well, it was mindless- and mindless was good when I had all the time in the world and nothing else to do. Just then there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I responded.
The door swung open and in walked Seth. He was dressed in a business suit and looked like he always did when he came home from a long work week. He was holding a vase full of flowers in his hand and he stopped when he saw me.
“Hey.” He said.
He stood several feet away from the bed. “What are you doing here?” I scowled.
His brow raised. “I came to check on you. I wanted to know if you were okay.”
The laugh that came out of me was one I didn’t even recognize. “You wanted to know if I was okay? Oh, now that’s priceless. This coming from the man that had me admitted for suicide evaluation. I’d say I’m pretty fucking peachy. But I’m sure you called the good doctor to make sure I was being well taken care of.”
“I was just trying to take care of you, Chandler.” He said defensively. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you. First you leave without saying anything. Then you call me and end the engagement. And then I get a phone call saying you drove off the side of the road. How did I know that you didn’t do it all on purpose? You’ve not been acting like yourself.”
I was gaping at him. Pointing up at my swollen face, I snarled back. “Do you actually think I did this shit on purpose?” I turned my cheek so he could get a better look at the bruising. “Yeah, driving off a mountain side seemed like the ideal way to go. Get a fucking grip, Seth. And you’re right, I’ve not been myself. At least not while I was with you.”
He retreated a step. “No need to lash out at me, Chandler. I’m telling you how it was.”
“And so am I.”
He set the vase down on a rolling table that was under the TV. Sighing he said, “They nurse told me they will be releasing you sometime next week. I’ll be here to pick you up, if you want to call me and let me know when that happens.”
Snickering, I said, “You’re crazier than I am if you think I’m going anywhere with you. Seth, what you did literally broke the camel’s back. Nothing here can ever be salvaged if that’s what you’re thinking.”
He stared at me long and hard. Exhaling through his nose, his shoulders dropped and he appeared defeated. “I understand. If it’s any consolation, I do still love you.”
Those words hit me deep in my chest. “I know. I’m sorry things didn’t work out differently.”
“Me too.”
Neither of us had anything else to say. Seth simply turned on his heels and walked out the door and out of my life.
The questions they asked me in here were grueling. My time spent here was literally in my room doing nothing but seeing doctor after doctor, each with their own questions. By the time I was checking out and signing my release forms, I felt like I’d had a cavity search. Nothing was private… except him. I didn’t bring Dawson’s name up again. They didn’t need to know that I had fallen in love with someone who I’d picked up on the side of the road. It probably would have confirmed everything that they assumed about me. So instead, he remained the Good Samaritan who saved me from a car wreck. Being away from him was intense. I felt like someone had died. And really someone had. I had to accept the fact that even though he came after me, he didn’t deem me good enough to check on me or stay by my side. I let my thoughts wonder a couple of times… had he called to ask about me? The truth was that the odds were slim. It just wasn’t his style.
When my forty-eight-hour sentence had been up, the hospital moved me to a room on a different floor where I could give my body time to heal. Those hours dragged. I tried my best to shut the emotion completely off. Dawson said he did it all the time, why couldn’t I? Because when all was said and done, I wasn’t a cold person. I felt every emotion deeply. Things mattered to me.
I hated it.
I wanted to welcome numbness, just so I could move on with my life with some semblance of normalcy, whatever that was. Today wasn’t that day. I was being released from the hospital and Sydney was the one taking me home. I hadn’t spoken to her in weeks, but after a short conversation with my dad, he told me he could either send a car for me, or I could ask her if she could get me. I made the decision that I wanted to see her. We needed to speak. I had tried calling, but she didn’t answer. Shooting her a text to see if she was available, I got a simple ‘sure’, in response.
When she walked in the room, I expected a greeting of some sort, but I wasn’t met with one. This wasn’t a normal reaction from the girl who’d been my best friend for most of my life. It stung. Syd didn’t call or visit me once while I was here. The fact that she was acting so odd toward me floored me, and it hurt. If anybody should be acting the way she was, it was me. Who didn’t visit someone they loved like a sister when they were in the hospital?
“Hey,” I said awkwardly.
She looked at me and gave me a small smile. But nothing came out of her mouth.
Huh? “I said, hey,” attempting to get another reaction. Maybe she didn’t hear me.
“Hi,” she replied.
Ah, the cold shoulder, I see. Someone was clearly butt hurt that I didn’t contact them. Or maybe she believed that I was actually the crazy person I was accused of being. Really fucking nice. Both were selfish and shameful. “Oookay, well, I’ve already signed all the papers, and they just removed the IV. I’ll be ready to go in a sec. Can you grab those flowers?” I carefully shuffled to the bathroom to make sure I’d gotten my toiletries. When I came back out, she had the vase in her hand and she was ready to leave. Guess we were in a rush.
Stepping outside of the hospital, I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. The air here was cool and crisp, but not as sharp as Montana air. We both got into Syd’s car and started our trek to my place. She wasn’t saying a single word, but neither was I. I didn’t actually know what to say. But I was becoming more and more agitated by the quiet.
Having enough, I called her out on her shit. “Seriously, what’s your problem? Why are you acting like this?”
She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye then made a lane change. “Acting like what?”
“Okay, how about we don’t play the stupid act. I’ve known you far too long to know when you’re being weird and when you’re just being a bitch. And right now, you’re being both. What gives?”
A short burst laugh came from her lungs. “Okay, act like you don’t know.”
I’d scrunch my brows together if it didn’t cause pain to my still bruised forehead. “Actually, I don’t. Shouldn’t I be the one who’s pissed off here?”
“For what?!” she exclaimed.
“Syd, you never even came to see me while I was in the hospital. Why is that?”
She got quiet. Uh-huh, don’t play me for stupid; I knew what I was dealing with. She didn’t answer me.
“Why did you stop responding to my texts? Did Seth get to you? Did you know that he put me in a psych ward?”
The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. She was very aware. Jesus, if that wasn’t a blow… “Are you kidding me, Sydney Jane? You knew and you didn’t try to do anything about it?”
She flung her hands up in the air, taking them off the wheel. “What did you want me to do?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe come vouch for me that I wasn’t a c
razy person, or attest to the fact that I would never try to kill myself. That would have been a great start,” I said sarcastically.
“Why would I do that?” The words had tumbled from her mouth before she had a chance to stop them. And there it was.
I clamped my mouth shut.
She reached over and put her hand on my thigh. “I didn’t mean that. I just mean that… hell, I don’t know what to think.”
I shook my head. I had nothing else to say. Talk about the ultimate betrayal. Wow, how quickly a lifelong friendship could dissolve in a matter of a few minutes. She tried to backpedal a couple of times before she gave up and went quiet. The drive from Portland to Bar Harbor was a solid three hours. I refused to say anything else. She knew she’d hit my limit and I needed a breather, or I’d blow. If I did that, this friendship wouldn’t be salvageable. Calmly, I sat in the passenger seat and tried to rest.
When we got to my house, I got out and left all my things in the car. Just being here was causing some emotional turmoil. It felt like I was coming back to square one. A step backward. I didn’t want to go in this direction. I didn’t want or need any reminders of the feelings I’d suffered when I was last here, but they were coming on like a rolling wave. What am I even doing here? I bit my lip to prevent the tears from pooling in my eyes. When I opened my front door and went inside, all of the building anticipation toppled over, and I just wanted to throw or break something. Looking at everything here, it was all exactly the same. Literally, nothing had changed. A pair of shoes left in the middle of the floor was still there waiting for someone to come pick them up. Unbelievable. I couldn’t do this. This house was going to be the same, and my life here in Maine was going to be the same. If I stayed, I would be stagnant.
Feeling like the air in the room was too heavy to even breathe, I turned and walked back out. Sydney had stayed in the car but got out when she saw me.
“You okay?” she asked.
I shrugged. “No, not really.”
She approached me like I made her nervous. “Is there something that I can do?”
Seven words had never set me off faster. “Are you kidding? Are you completely oblivious to what’s been going on with me or have you just not cared enough to bother asking?”
“Of course, I cared. Jesus, if I didn’t care I wouldn’t have come to pick you up from the hospital.”
“Now that’s comical. Seems you only did it out of obligation.”
Sydney stood in front of me with tears streaming down her face. “Who are you? I feel like I don’t even know you are anymore.”
I was numb. Her tears didn’t move me to want to embrace her like she was my best friend seeking comfort. I felt nothing. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
She shook her head furiously. “What do you mean you don’t know? What happened to you while you were gone? You used to be this sweet, caring person who would give the shirt off her back to a total stranger, and now… now, I don’t know who this person is.”
“I don’t either, but I’m learning. Syd, either you need to be with me as I take this new journey or walk away because I’m not going back to who I was. I can’t.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Then why are you treating me like I’m some sort of leper?”
She grasped my hand. “I’m not meaning too. I love you, Chandler. You just need to give me time. I am trying to understand what it is that you’re going through, but it’s hard. I’ve never seen this side of you. You’re like this independent person who doesn’t seem to want to be around anybody or talk to me very often. That hurts my feelings. You’ve always been there, but lately, it’s like your head is somewhere else.”
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. But you’re right. My head is somewhere else. It has to be. Syd, can’t you see that I’ve been so unhappy here? Or did you have blinders on just like I did? I haven’t been myself in years. You knew me before Seth and before all of this.” I motioned to the house. “Was I even the same person after getting engaged?”
She thought about it. “No, actually you weren’t.”
“Exactly. I just think it’s time for me to reteach myself who I really am deep down. I had the potential to be something, to be someone that I want to be. And that means not being someone for the sake of another person. Seth didn’t love me for me. He loved that he could control me. That I was easy enough to manipulate to shape me how he wanted. I can’t live my life like that.”
“Okay, I understand all of that. What hurt me though is that you chose to ignore me. I could have been there for you, but you didn’t give me the opportunity to. You just pushed me out. How could it have been easy for you to do something like that? I’ve been here for you, Chandler. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And I’m sorry I did that. It was a mistake. I needed to experience and do some things on my own without everyone there to cheer me on or hold my hand. But that’s no excuse for ignoring you. I apologize.”
She came forward and embraced me. The dam broke open. Tears trickled down my cheeks and I hugged her back. Syd stroked my hair and told me that everything would be okay. That she would be there whenever I needed her to be. I hadn’t realized till then that this was something that I needed, too. I needed to know that some of my past could blend with a new future I wanted to create for myself. I needed to hear that she would be moving forward with me and that she would be able to accept me.
Pulling back, she looked me directly in the eyes. “Do you need any help with anything in there?”
I glanced back to the house. “No, I don’t think so. Seth can keep it all. I’ll have my mom or dad go back to pack my clothes at some point.”
She almost laughed. “You’re really going to give him everything?”
I shrugged. “I guess so. I mean, most of the things in there I collected while I was with him. I don’t need it.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”
I smiled at her. “Yeah… I’m sure.”
“So, now what?”
I held my breath. I knew deep down where I wanted to be. “Can you take me the airport?”
“Montana?” she asked, even though she already knew.
“Yeah. I have some unfinished business out there.”
Sydney giggled. “There’s a guy.”
I wanted to tell her everything about Dawson, but I couldn’t. There wasn’t anything to tell. I had a fleeting romance that ended. Speaking about it was too raw. It was too painful to even think his name, let alone say it. My face must’ve expressed sadness because she grabbed my hand.
“Breathe.”
I nodded. “I’m breathing.”
Giving my fingers a quick squeeze, she let me go and said, “All right, beautiful girl, let’s go.”
THE MOMENT THE NOSE of the plane touched down in Bozeman and we taxied to the gate, I unbuckled my seatbelt and disembarked the plane. I had never felt such a slew of emotions stirring in my gut. I needed to get a rental car and start making my way to Big Sky. It was already almost dark, and I didn’t want to be driving through the mountains this late. Clearly, I’d had my fill of deer run-ins, and they would be out and about foraging for food.
It took me just over an hour to get into town. The closer I got to the house, the more I struggled to take deep breaths. None of this had the same feeling. I couldn’t feel nostalgic over past summers with my grandparents. Even though those memories were some of the best ones I had, new ones overtook them. I wanted to be here, but only with the person who made me remember how to be me again.
I got to the front of the house, and everything was dark. I didn’t have a key, but thankfully Dawson had a spare made and hid it on the front porch. Walking inside, I could only describe it feeling like I was sucker punched in the stomach. Flipping on the light, I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t a perfectly clean cabin. As I glanced around, nothing was out of place. Inspecting a little further, I went to the kitchen, and all of the dishes were done. There wasn’t even a
single dust bunny in the corners on the floors.
I wanted to go check the one place of the house that I knew would absolutely pulverize my heart, but I found my legs weren’t moving in the direction that I needed them, too. Part of the reason why the new memories were stronger than the old was because I didn’t grow up in this house. This home was the place that I made memories with him. Something here held a piece of him, in every nook and cranny. I knew there’d be no place I could turn and not see him. I wondered if I’d ever get over that. I’d have to, or I’d be living out my life in a way that I never wanted for myself. I didn’t want to be sad. This was supposed to be a place for happier times. I needed to make it that again.
Steeling myself, I stepped into the hallway and stood before Dawson’s bedroom door. Flipping on the light, I saw that it was exactly how it was that first day. Bed made, nothing on the dresser, and the hole I’d made in the wall repaired. Why would he fix that? He could have just left it. Just like the rest of the things that showed someone lived here. Being in this room nearly knocked me off my feet.
It smelled like him.
I hated and loved that the sense of smell was such a powerful tool our minds used to help our memories. Right now, if I could tear out every single one of my smell receptors, I would. That deep citrus scent that I couldn’t get enough of… it was like it blanketed every inch of air in here. Tears sprung to my eyes. Ugh, this was too much. I can’t deal with this right now. I needed some way to make myself numb—mind and body.
Heading back out, I went to the car and drove toward town. I needed a drink. Didn’t matter if I got completely wasted, I’d already resigned myself to stay in town at one of the hotels. I’d attempt to go back to the house tomorrow. Once I got to the bar, I went inside and headed straight for a stool in front of the bartender. Luckily, it was still a semi off-season here, and the place only had a couple of patrons. No one even stopped to look at me when I came in.
