Secrets According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  “What are the Builders doing?” Phoebe asked.

  Kelsey giggled. “We’re building a pyramid. It’s going to be huge. What about the Scribes?”

  “We’re inventing our own hieroglyphics,” Phoebe said. “And we’re going to make papyrus, like the Egyptians did. It’s like handmade paper.”

  “Pa-pie-rus?” I repeated. “Is it made of pie?”

  Both girls giggled.

  “I think Humphrey wants to be a Scribe, too,” Phoebe said. “He needs some papyrus.”

  I already am a scribe, and I don’t need papyrus because I have my little notebook. Of course, Phoebe and Kelsey don’t know about that.

  “Papyrus is made of reeds, but we’re using strips of paper,” Phoebe continued.

  “You’re making paper out of paper?” I squeaked, but of course, she didn’t understand me.

  “And we’re going to write something using our special alphabet,” Phoebe added.

  “I’d like to go to Egypt and see the pyramids,” Kelsey said. “And ride a camel!”

  “Eeek!” I said. Camels looked unsqueakably fearsome, especially when they show their teeth. Not only that, they spit. How rude is that?

  “And I’d like to go to New York City,” Kelsey said. “My dad wants to take the whole family there.”

  New York City has TALL-TALL-TALL buildings, but I don’t think they have a lot of camels.

  “You know what we could do?” Phoebe said. “Pretend to live in ancient Egypt.”

  Kelsey looked excited. “Let’s dress up like mummies! We could wrap ourselves in toilet paper!”

  “Let’s ask Gran,” Phoebe said.

  The girls ran out of the room.

  I was GLAD-GLAD-GLAD to see Phoebe so happy.

  But I HOPED-HOPED-HOPED that she and Kelsey wouldn’t wrap me in toilet paper.

  I scurried into my sleeping hut, just in case.

  HUMPHREY’S TOP SECRET SCRIBBLES

  A camel’s interesting to see,

  But keep it far away from me!

  4

  Unsqueakable Secrets

  I must have dozed off for a while, but I woke up when Phoebe and Kelsey raced back into the room, laughing.

  “Humphrey! Where are you?” Kelsey peeked in my cage.

  I poked my head out of the bedding.

  “Here!” I squeaked.

  “Gran didn’t think we should waste a whole roll of toilet paper, so she cut an old sheet into strips,” Phoebe said. “It will make us even better mummies!”

  I darted under my bedding again and dozed for a bit. Sometimes I heard laughing, but I didn’t look out. I didn’t want the girls to think about wrapping bits of cloth around me. I don’t like to wear anything except my fur coat.

  “Ooh, that tickles.” Phoebe giggled.

  “I can’t see!” Kelsey shouted.

  Then Phoebe said, “Look in the mirror!”

  They howled with laughter.

  I must admit, I was getting curious about what was so funny.

  After a while, Kelsey shrieked, “Humphrey! Look at us!”

  I couldn’t resist. I popped my head up and looked.

  “The mummies!” the girls shouted.

  “Eeek!” I squeaked.

  Phoebe and Kelsey stood in front of my cage, almost completely wrapped in strips of white cloth.

  All I could see was a little bit of their eyes and mouths.

  They looked like the mummies in Secrets of the Nile!

  “Mummy girls, mummy girls! We are the mummy girls!” Phoebe and Kelsey chanted.

  They began to do a dance, hopping around the room and waving their arms.

  I climbed up on my tree branch for a better look. Believe me, it was quite a sight to see.

  “Do you like our mummy dance, Humphrey?” Phoebe asked.

  “YES-YES-YES!” I said.

  Gran came into the room to see what all the noise was about and laughed when she saw the dancing mummies. She got her camera and took photos to show Phoebe’s parents.

  “Don’t you want to be a mummy, Gran?” Phoebe asked.

  “No,” Gran answered with a chuckle. “I want to be a grand-mummy! But aren’t you two hungry?”

  “Starving!” Phoebe answered.

  “Me too,” Kelsey said. “But it’s going to be kind of hard to eat.”

  I guess real mummies don’t eat much!

  The girls decided to take off the strips of cloth.

  It was taking a long time until Kelsey said, “I know a faster way.”

  She took one end of Phoebe’s cloth and had her friend whirl around and around in a circle. As she twirled, the cloth unwound.

  Then Kelsey twirled out of her cloth until she looked like herself again.

  “Now, let’s eat!” Phoebe said and the girls raced out of the room.

  I was hungry from watching the dancing mummies. Luckily, I had some food stored in my cheek pouch—yum! (We hamsters make sure we never go hungry!)

  Phoebe and Kelsey were still giggling when they returned from lunch.

  “What now?” Phoebe flopped onto her bed.

  “I don’t know. What other Egyptian things could we do?” Kelsey dropped onto the chair.

  The girls thought for a while.

  “We could be scribes,” Phoebe said. “We could make up an alphabet of pictures.”

  Kelsey jumped up. “Ooh—I know!” Her cheeks were pink with excitement. “We could make an alphabet that only the two of us know. Then we could send each other messages.”

  “Like a secret code!” Phoebe exclaimed.

  “Sounds unsqueakably fun!” I agreed.

  “Humphrey, why are you squeaking? Hamsters can’t read,” Kelsey said.

  “Well, I’m a hamster and I can read!” I was a tiny bit annoyed. I hopped on my wheel and began to SPIN-SPIN-SPIN.

  Phoebe and Kelsey didn’t even notice as they sat side by side on Phoebe’s bed with paper and pencils.

  “We need to come up with pictures that stand for sounds,” Phoebe said. “Our group’s using things like a bird, the sun, a crown.”

  “I’m not so good at drawing birds. Why don’t we replace the letters of the alphabet? Like a square for A, a star for B—simple things that aren’t too hard to draw,” Kelsey suggested.

  I was getting tired of spinning and I didn’t like feeling left out, so I went in my little sleeping hut for a nap.

  When I woke up, I heard Phoebe and Kelsey talking. I strolled out of my little house, over to the side of the cage near the bed.

  “Okay, so now we have our secret alphabet,” Kelsey said. “What are we going to write?”

  “I know,” Phoebe said. “But don’t tell Humphrey!”

  She whispered in Kelsey’s ear. They huddled together and kept whispering as they wrote.

  Once, Kelsey said, “No, not a star—it’s a sun.”

  Then Phoebe said, “That arrow points the wrong way.”

  There I was, watching two of my favorite friends sharing a secret . . . without me.

  I guess Forgetful-Phoebe forgot about me.

  And Be-Careful-Kelsey wasn’t being careful not to hurt my feelings.

  “Who’d like to get out of this room and watch a video? I’ll make popcorn,” Gran said as she opened the door again.

  “I would,” Phoebe said.

  “Count me in,” Kelsey agreed.

  Yum—popcorn sounded crunchy and delicious.

  “Me too,” I added.

  But the girls raced out of the room—without me.

  “Wait!” I squeaked, but they didn’t come back.

  I sat and stared at the door for a while, hoping someone would remember that I like videos and popcorn, too.

  After a while, I got tired of that and looked at t
he desk.

  Then I saw it: right there near my cage. The girls had left the papers with the secret alphabet and the note they wrote.

  And even though they said the alphabet was a secret, I was unsqueakably curious.

  When I’ve visited other friends, I noticed that movies are pretty long, so I decided to take a chance.

  I jiggled the lock-that-doesn’t-lock and scurried over to the papers.

  One piece had a list of letters and strange shapes and squiggles.

  “This doesn’t make sense!” I squeaked.

  The other piece of paper had a series of symbols:

  My whiskers wiggled and my tail twitched. This was harder than any math problem I’d ever seen!

  I was about to run back in my cage and close the door behind me when I noticed that on the alphabet page there was a next to the W. And a next to the E.

  W. E. Could the word be “WE”?

  If I matched the symbols on the second sheet of paper with the ones next to the alphabet, maybe I could figure out the words.

  It was hard work for a small hamster to crawl up and down a big piece of paper to figure out what each letter meant.

  I had gotten this far— “WE LOVE HUMPH”—when I noticed that it was getting dark outside.

  The girls might be coming back any minute!

  I hurried into my cage and pulled the door behind me, making sure that it was tightly closed.

  I was feeling a lot better as I remembered what I’d read.

  Even though I hadn’t gotten to the end, I was pretty sure their secret message said, “WE LOVE HUMPHREY.”

  How could I have thought they didn’t care?

  My whiskers wiggled with joy.

  Phoebe and Kelsey burst back into the room, happily chattering away.

  “Hi, Humphrey! Gran said popcorn isn’t good for hamsters, but I brought you this,” Phoebe said.

  She slid a small piece of broccoli between the bars of my cage.

  “THANKS-THANKS-THANKS!” I squeaked.

  Now I knew for sure that Phoebe and Kelsey loved me!

  The girls giggled and went back to talking about ancient Egypt.

  “Let’s make a club—just the two of us,” Kelsey suggested.

  “With a secret name,” Phoebe said. “And a secret handshake.”

  It was pretty funny to watch them come up with a handshake. They crossed arms and hopped up and down.

  They even tried doing it with their backs to each other.

  Once, they got all twisted up like pretzels. Of course, they giggled hysterically.

  Then they worked on a secret name. At first, they talked about taking the beginning letters of Kelsey’s name and the last letters of Phoebe’s name.

  “The Kel-be Club?” Phoebe said. “That doesn’t sound like anything from Secrets of the Nile.”

  Kelsey nodded. “You’re right. Hey, what about something to do with the Nile? The Nile Girls?”

  Phoebe thought for a second. “Sisters of the Nile?”

  “Yay!” Kelsey clapped her hands in delight. “Sisters of the Nile! I love it. Let’s shake on it.”

  Phoebe and Kelsey were very serious as they crossed their arms in front of them, shook both hands three times and bowed their heads.

  So that was the secret handshake—and it wasn’t a secret anymore!

  “That’s good for meetings, but if people see us do the handshake, it won’t be a secret anymore,” Kelsey said. “We need a secret signal for school,” she continued. “Something no one will notice except us.”

  They tried some pretty silly signals, but they finally decided on this: wave with the right hand, wiggle your fingers and wink.

  I tried it and believe me, it’s not easy, especially because I have to stop and think which is my right paw and which is my left. And I have four paws to keep track of.

  Once I had that figured out, I tried to wiggle my fingers. Of course, I don’t have fingers, so I had to wiggle my toes.

  Hamsters don’t usually wink (except for a hamster I know named Winky), but I tried it a few times and found I could do that, too.

  I guess Phoebe saw me practicing.

  “I think Humphrey’s trying the secret greeting,” she said. “Maybe we should let him in the club.”

  Kelsey giggled. “Don’t be silly. He doesn’t know the secret word—remember?”

  She whispered in her friend’s ear and Phoebe nodded.

  Then Kelsey added, “Anyway, we’re Sisters of the Nile and he’s a boy. Besides, he’s a hamster!”

  Suddenly, my whiskers wilted and I didn’t feel so great.

  I went back into my sleeping hut to think things over.

  I stayed there a long time, but I didn’t sleep.

  The next day, Phoebe watched me spin on my wheel and let me roll around her room in my hamster ball.

  Later, she and her grandmother sat in front of the computer and talked to Phoebe’s mom.

  “Kelsey and I dressed up like mummies! And we started a club called Sisters of the Nile. We even have a secret signal! I’ll show you.” Phoebe waved her right hand, wiggled her fingers and winked.

  Phoebe’s mom laughed.

  She wasn’t actually in the house. She was FAR-FAR-FAR away in the army.

  Phoebe’s dad was in the army, too. Phoebe’s mom said he’d call the next night.

  “The club sounds fun. What else is new?” Phoebe’s mom asked.

  “Ooh, you’ll never guess! Humphrey’s here for the weekend!” Phoebe said.

  Mom chuckled. “The famous Humphrey that you talk about all the time?”

  Even though she was FAR-FAR-FAR away, she’d heard of me!

  Phoebe took me out of the cage and held me right up to the camera.

  “Greetings!” I squeaked and Phoebe’s mom laughed.

  I could see her now. She wore a camouflage uniform and had a really big smile.

  “He’s one handsome hamster,” she said.

  What an unsqueakably smart human!

  Phoebe put me back in the cage.

  “He’s a great hamster, but he’s not in the club, because he’s a boy and a hamster,” she explained.

  Ouch! That still hurt. What’s wrong with a girl who’s a human being in a club with a boy who’s a hamster?

  Phoebe kept on talking for a while and then she said, “I love you, Mom. Come home soon!”

  After the call was over and we were alone, I heard Phoebe whisper, “Please, Mom and Dad. Please come home soon.”

  HUMPHREY’S TOP SECRET SCRIBBLES

  Secrets, secrets everywhere,

  Make me think my friends don’t care.

  5

  Secret Greetings, Secret Meetings

  Watch carefully, Og,” I told my froggy friend when Phoebe brought me back to Room 26 on Monday. “You might see some strange things going on.”

  “BOING!” Og replied, which I think meant he was going to watch.

  It wasn’t long before Mrs. Brisbane opened the door to Room 26 and the students started coming in.

  “Watch what Phoebe does when Kelsey comes in,” I squeaked to Og.

  “BOING-BOING!” Og said.

  “Hi, Humph!” Slow-Down-Simon said as he raced past my cage, in a hurry as always.

  When Just-Joey came in, he walked straight to my cage.

  “Hi, Humphrey,” he said. “Did you have a good weekend? Guess what—I saw a great TV show last night about elephants! Boy, do I want to see elephants in the wild someday.”

  I’ve never seen an elephant but from what I’ve heard, they are MUCH-MUCH-MUCH bigger than dogs or even camels. I don’t think I’d care to see one anywhere . . . especially not in the wild!

  “BOING!” I don’t think Og wanted to meet an elephant, either.

  I looked at
the door and saw Kelsey coming in. She headed for the cloakroom to take off her coat.

  “Kelsey’s here, Og. Be on the lookout,” I said.

  Joey giggled when he heard our conversation. “Of course, I like hamsters and frogs the best,” he said.

  He’s one unsqueakably smart boy!

  Just then Og sounded the alarm. “BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!”

  Kelsey was walking toward Phoebe.

  “Thanks! Now—watch!” I told my neighbor.

  As I expected, Phoebe raised her right hand. Kelsey raised hers, too.

  Then they wiggled their fingers and winked. Next, they giggled, which wasn’t part of the secret signal.

  “BOING!” Og sounded surprised.

  “What’s this for?” Rolling-Rosie raised her fingers and wiggled them, too.

  “Oh, it’s nothing,” Phoebe answered. “We were just waving.”

  “It was more than that. Come on, tell me,” Rosie insisted.

  “We can’t,” Kelsey said. “It’s a secret. A secret club.”

  “Can I be in it?” Rosie asked.

  Kelsey and Phoebe didn’t answer right away.

  Finally, Kelsey said, “If we let everybody in, it won’t be a secret anymore.”

  When Kelsey and Phoebe turned away, I could see how upset Rosie was.

  “BOING-BOING!” Og said.

  I don’t think he liked what he saw, either.

  “Og, it’s a signal they planned at Phoebe’s house,” I explained. I glanced at Og and I was pawsitive that he wasn’t smiling.

  SPLASH! He dived into the water side of his tank and began to swim.

  I wasn’t smiling, either.

  I hopped on my wheel and began to spin as fast as I could.

  The next morning before class began, Stop-Talking-Sophie came over to my cage. She does love to talk.

  “Hi, Humphrey! Did you have a good sleep last night? I’ll bet it’s boring in here when we’re gone. I hope I get to take you home soon,” she said.

  She talked so fast, I couldn’t get a squeak in.

  Then Rolling-Rosie joined her. “Sophie, would you like to start a secret club?” she asked. “Just you and me?”

  Sophie’s eyes lit up. “Oh, yes! I’d love to!”