by Maisey Yates
His woman. His wife. Leah.
A hoarse cry escaped her lips, her back arching, internal muscles pulsing around him. And he let go, spilling himself inside of her, his orgasm a flame, weaving itself through every fiber of his body, burning him from the inside out, the white wash of heat so intense he thought there would be nothing left of him when it was all over.
And finally it passed. And there was nothing left but him, and Leah. And the realization that all of his walls were gone. That he was torn open. Bloody. Defenseless. He had unleashed the beast on Leah.
He pulled away from her, scrambled into a standing position, his heart pounding hard, his breath coming in harsh gasps. He looked at Leah, at her swollen lips, her round eyes, filled with shock, confusion.
And he turned and walked out of the room.
* * *
Leah was stunned. Devastated, really. Her world was completely shaken by her encounter with Ajax. There wasn’t cold darkness down deep in him. He was full of black fire, hot and dangerous, destructive and amazing.
She would never get enough of him, of how it felt to have all of his passion unleashed on her. The way it had started, the way he’d responded to her tasting him, the sexy playfulness of the candy. And then...oh, and then. That moment when he’d lost all control and put every ounce of his power into pleasuring them both. That moment when he’d unleashed himself on her.
She felt raw. Sore in the absolute best way. She liked him when he was rough. When he was uncivilized. When he was the man beneath the veneer.
What she didn’t like was him walking away while her world was shattered around her feet.
She stood up and put his shirt on, buttoning it as quickly as she could, on her way out to the living room.
“Hey,” she said. “What the hell? Unless you’re just getting a glass of water, in which case I’ll have one, too.”
Ajax was pacing up and down the floor like a caged tiger, his posture tense. And he was still completely naked. He was beautiful, even like this. Tense and upset, and clearly on the edge.
“What’s up, Ajax? Walk me through your thought process here. Because we were making love and doing this whole ‘get to know each other’ thing and then you...left.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice rough.
“Fine. A little wobbly, but I think you should be after something like that. Means you did it right.”
“Stop. Stop trying to make a joke out of everything,” he said, the words torn from him. “I was rough with you. I don’t even know... I can’t even remember what I did.”
“Let me refresh your memory.” She walked down to the center of the room. “You lost control. You thrust into me so hard it took my breath away. And it gave me pleasure that went...way beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before.”
“Did I hurt you?”
“No. Well, I mean I’m sore in places, but the good kind.”
“There’s no good kind of pain. Dammit, Leah, if you had told me to stop I might not even have heard you. I don’t know if I could have stopped. That’s the kind of monster I am.”
His words hung in the air, stark and revealing.
“You didn’t hurt me, Ajax, and you never would. It’s...it’s just...don’t you trust that I know what I want? That I know what I like? That I would never in a million years lie to you if you hurt me just to salve your conscience? You know me. You know I would never do that to you, to us. I have been honest with you,” she said, and then bitterly regretted saying it.
Because she hadn’t been honest with him. She hadn’t even been honest with herself. She’d pushed at him, had tried to cover up the growing, expanding emotions inside of her with layers of protection.
So that she wouldn’t fall in love.
So that she wouldn’t have to be in love alone.
She’d walked into her marriage with an impression she had of Ajax based in fantasy, not in reality. Thinking that she was in no way susceptible to this man. The man she hadn’t known.
And since then, she’d met the reality. She’d seen how far down his damage had gone. She’d had to face who he was, where he came from. That he wasn’t a shining beacon of male perfection, but a damaged, wounded soul who was starving for love, for affection, and to find some kind of peace within himself.
Because the inside of Ajax was a war zone. A place without rest. A place where he stood vigil against any desire he possessed. She doubted he even let go in his own mind. He was enslaved, in bondage.
He had tied her hands at first when they’d made love, but he was really the one that was bound.
And faced with that, with all he was, all he had been, and all he might not be, she knew her feelings had changed.
And she couldn’t keep them in anymore. Not now, not after everything they’d shared. She couldn’t protect herself when the victory over his demons might depend on her honesty.
“I love you,” she said. It was true now. Truer than it had ever been. And the risk didn’t matter. The possibility of him never returning it didn’t matter. It would hurt, but sharing it was so much more important than protecting herself.
In Ajax, she’d seen the danger of holding it all in, and she wouldn’t do it. Not anymore. Not ever again. It didn’t matter that the press didn’t think she was the pretty Holt Heiress, or that it must suck for Ajax to have her instead of Rachel.
It didn’t matter. All that mattered was how she felt. That she loved him.
“What?” He looked at her with black, blank eyes, and the lack of emotion in them nearly broke her then and there.
“I love you,” she said. “I have...well, I’ve loved you, or at least I thought I did, for most of my life. And there was a time when...when I tried to dig it out of my chest. To make it go away. Because I needed to protect myself. Because you chose her. Because the press told me who I was. That I wasn’t special or pretty, and I thought... I was sure I couldn’t ever be enough for you. But you know what? I could keep it inside then because I didn’t really love you.”
“I would think not,” he said, his voice hard.
“I didn’t know you. I didn’t know you’d been raised in a drug house and brothel. I didn’t know you felt like you were a monster, that you kept so much of yourself in chains. I didn’t know you lost your virginity to a prostitute. That you’d run from a certain position of power and wealth into nothing to save the life of a girl. To save your own soul. I didn’t know you hadn’t touched a woman for eighteen years for fear you might relinquish hold on your control.”
“You’re quite fixated on that.”
“Yeah, well, I think it’s kind of hot. Really hot, actually. I’m glad I was your first in so much time. I’m glad you were my first ever. And that’s the thing, really, I’m glad that I know you. Even if the truth isn’t easy. Even if it’s not pretty. Because now that I know you, Ajax...everything you were, everything you are, now I love you.”
“You just said...”
“That I didn’t love you before. I loved the idea of you, but not you. Not the broken mess you are.”
“You shouldn’t love the mess I am. I’m...I’m...”
“You’re a monster, so I’ve heard. A monster who has not once done anything to hurt me physically. A monster who spent all these years giving nothing but respect to my family. A monster who dismantled one of the world’s most insidious crime rings. Yeah, you’re a monster.”
“You don’t understand,” he said.
And then she saw it. The terror in his eyes, the depth of fear, and she did understand.
“I do,” she said. “I do understand.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t be standing here offering me anything but a divorce. If you really knew...”
“Ajax, you are a damn coward,” she said.
“Because I want to protect
you?”
“Because you want to protect you!” she said. “I know because until tonight, I was doing the same thing. This is the honest truth of it, Ajax. You aren’t afraid of what will get out. You’re afraid of what will get in. I know your life was hard. I know it was...more than I can possibly imagine. I know that. And I know that you had to go down deep to forget, to protect yourself.”
He closed the distance between her and grabbed her arms. “You think I’m afraid? That I’m some sort of victim? Was I the one huddled on a bed crying while some asshole who was high out of his mind tried to force himself on me? No. Don’t try to make me out to be anything other than what I was. What I am.”
“It was a terrible thing, Ajax. The whole situation. But in the end, when that woman looks back on her life, how do you think she sees you? As a monster? Or as her savior? Because if it hadn’t been you in that room with her, it would have been someone else. And would they have stopped when they saw her tears? Or would they have kept on? Would they have forced themselves on her without a thought? Would they have left her there in your father’s compound? Would she have ever seen her family again?”
“Stop,” he said, turning away from her.
“You need this lie, don’t you? That you’re somehow beyond redemption, because it gives you an excuse to cut yourself off from the world and then you don’t have to admit how scared you are.”
“This is all there is, Leah. This isn’t a lie. This is just me. You can’t possibly love this.” He hit himself in the chest with his closed fist.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t!” he roared. “Because I truly know me. And I despise everything in there. I changed my name, I left my home. But none of that changes what I am on the inside, who I am. And if you...if you can somehow see past that? You’re a damn fool, Leah Holt. I will do nothing but drag you down to hell with me, so if you have a brain in your stubborn head you’ll get dressed and walk out the door.”
Something in her broke. Her heart probably. Because there was so much truth in what he said. He hated himself, and she saw it now, could see just how broken he was, how sharp and jagged the pieces of him were. Always cutting, always leaving scars.
“No,” she said. “I’m not going to leave. I’m not going to walk away just because it’s hard.” She wouldn’t give up. She wouldn’t hide. Always she was hiding. To avoid comparison, criticism, to avoid feeling vulnerable, but that had to stop. She wouldn’t do it now. Not with him.
“This is as easy as it will ever be, agape,” he said. “This...this won’t work.”
“No way, Ajax.” She shook her head. “No way. You are not doing this. I am your wife. I am the only woman you have ever been naked with, and I don’t mean your body. Yes, there were women before me, but they didn’t have your soul. I see you, and I think that’s the thing that scares you the most.”
“It should scare you.”
“Yeah, it scares me a little. Not because I think you would ever do anything to hurt me. It scares me because I want you to love me, Ajax. I want you to open yourself up and take a chance. I want you to stop protecting yourself. Do you know how much it took for me to do it? To stand here and tell you that I love you? I want to mean enough to you that you would do the same for me.”
“I don’t love you,” he said.
“No.” Her throat started to tighten, her fingers going numb, tears stinging her eyes. “Don’t...don’t say that.”
“You want me to lie to make you feel better?”
“I want you to tell the truth.” Because this couldn’t be it. How could he stand there and tell her he didn’t love her after what had happened in the bedroom just a few moments before? A moment that had been so perfect? So incredible?
It had been love. It had to be love. Because it was for her. Truly. Deeply.
“I don’t love you,” he bit out, every word final, painful.
“Okay.” She nodded and tried to swallow, blinking back tears. “Okay.” It came out choked, weak. Utterly revealing. She felt like a little vulnerable sea creature that had been dragged out of its shell. So exposed. So naked and fragile.
She wanted to push at him. Shout at him. Do anything she could to cover up the pain.
But she wouldn’t hide. She wouldn’t. Not now. He deserved to see it, to see what life was like when you came out from behind the walls.
A tear slid down her cheek, and she sank down onto the couch, covering her mouth with her hand. Another tear followed the first. Then another.
“Leah?”
A sob shook her frame, and she put her other hand up, covering the first, as if it might keep her from flying apart completely. She was unprotected, for the first time in years. Hideously vulnerable. Coming apart.
“Leah,” he said again.
She just shook her head.
“I refuse to be manipulated,” he said, his voice low, harsh. “If you think tears are going to change my mind...”
She dropped her hands, wiped her arm over her cheek. “I have more pride than that!”
“Clearly you don’t.”
“Am I making you uncomfortable? If you were a real boy, you would know that this is normal. You see, Ajax, this is what people do when their hearts are broken. This is how people feel when they have their love thrown back at them!” Her voice broke, her words sounding hysterical. And she didn’t care. “I’m so sorry this bothers you, because it’s a picnic for me.”
“Maybe that’s why I don’t understand. Maybe that’s why I don’t care. I don’t have a heart.” He walked past her back into the bedroom, and she just sat on the couch, staring ahead at nothing. He returned a moment later dressed in a T-shirt and jeans.
“I’m leaving,” he said. “Because I have a feeling you’re too stubborn to do it.”
“Shall I expect something from your lawyer?”
“Yes.”
“The business?”
“The least of my concerns at the moment.”
That was more resounding than a slap in the face. That he would walk away from everything, from the reason they had been forced to marry in the first place, now, to get away from her.
“And if I’m pregnant? Because we haven’t used a single condom.”
“We’ll figure out custody. I’m not going to leave you helpless.”
She bit the inside of her cheek, took a deep, fortifying breath. “You couldn’t. I have a successful business. I have millions of dollars. I’ve never been helpless. The simple truth is that I’ve never needed you. I just wanted you. I just love you. But I want you a lot less right now, so maybe you should just go.”
He nodded, a muscle twitching in his jaw, like there were words built up, stopped in his throat. Words he wouldn’t let out.
Then he turned and walked out of the room. The slam of the door the final word on the end of the marriage.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IT HAD BEEN the only thing to do. Ajax was sure of that. He’d had no other choice.
I love you.
They were the three most terrifying words he could think of Leah saying. Because that meant there was an expectation to give more than he could.
He gritted his teeth. Not more than he could, more than he wanted to.
He paced the hotel room, the one he’d got after leaving the penthouse, replaying those last moments with her. Wearing his shirt, the hem barely touching the top of her thighs. Her cheeks streaked with tears, her eyes filled with the kind of pain and misery he saw in his nightmares.
It would have been so easy to lie. To keep taking from her. To preserve his relationship, not just with her but with her father, the only good influence in his life when he’d been a teenager.
He’d been faced with this in the past. That girl who looked at him with such trust. A beautiful sixteen-
year-old who was, yes, round, and a little frizzy, but, he knew, had the potential to become his entire world.
He hadn’t even let himself complete the thought then. Hadn’t let himself admit how much she could mean to him. Instead, he’d turned his attention somewhere else. Somewhere safer. Yes, it would have been easy to keep her. Letting her go, keeping her from being hurt by the monster, that had been the hard thing. The right thing. Because he couldn’t give her what she needed. He didn’t have it in him. The only thing he had in him was the potential to destroy her.
Liar.
Her words rang in his ears. Scared. Coward.
She had bared herself to him, given him everything. And still he hid.
You aren’t afraid of what will get out, you’re afraid of what will get in.
And then he let himself remember, really remember, the night at his father’s house. That last night there. The terror of the girl. His own fear. The way the drug had twisted his thoughts, the way he’d been so sick after. The horror. The stark realization of what his father did. Of what he could become. Of the fact that there was good and evil in the world, and if he didn’t do something soon he would be on the side of evil.
In one night, his world had been torn to pieces. Savaged.
He’d looked outside of himself, outside of the reality he’d been presented, and he saw all the pain, all the abuse, all of the ways a person could be destroyed, corrupted and perverted and he shut it all down.
Every desire. Every emotion. For fear he would have the wrong one.
For fear all of that horror, all of that pain, would get him.
He’d tried to get rid of the feeling. Had tried by taking down his father’s organization, but it hadn’t worked. He’d saved the damn world and he hadn’t been able to save himself.
And so he’d built walls, shoved it all down deep, turned it all off. And walked away.
And then came Leah. She’d torn down the walls with her hands tied behind her back, quite literally. And he didn’t like it. It burned. It felt like his skin had been stripped off. Like old wounds had been reopened, scars carved away, leaving all of his tender flesh exposed.
