“I don’t mind at all, my love. If I did, I would not have offered.”
I kissed him quickly on the cheek and stood up. This time he allowed me to.
“Keep your cell phone on cause I just might call,” I said, standing over him.
He got up and we walked over to the front door.
“Tell your parents goodnight for me and thank them for dinner please.” I stalled my departure.
“I will.” Jackson took me in his arms and held me close.
“I’ll call you before I go to bed if it’s not too late.”
“Call anyway. No matter how late.”
“All right.” I tried to think of something else to bide me more time with him.
“I love you, Jocelyn,” he whispered quietly in my ear.
“I love you too.” I rested my head upon his chest. I held him tightly in my arms and closed my eyes listening to the sound of his strong heartbeat.
Reluctantly, I opened the front door and headed off towards my house. I hated saying good-bye to him even though I knew I would see him first thing in the morning. The hours between now and then felt like an eternity.
CHAPTER 6
Saturday, November 09, 1878
THE SUN WAS BLISTERING HOT and blinding. I was sitting on some kind of bright, royal blue, smooth, hard surface that sparkled in the sunlight. Some type of boat that I had never seen before and I knew immediately I was in the other place.
I was surrounded by water and there was a beach in the far off distance. The sky was a rich blue without a cloud anywhere to be seen. Gentle waves rocked the fairly large vessel from side to side like a gentle lullaby. It was incredibly peaceful, with the sounds of music and laughter dancing about low on the breeze.
My eyes hungrily searched for familiarity and rested upon the four other people who accompanied me on the boat. The two adults, I recognized as my parents, the boy, who was perhaps twelve or thirteen years old, my brother, and the older girl, my sister. Their faces were smiling and happy as they playfully teased one another. Their words were hard to distinguish from the strange music floating through the air. They were wearing swimming attire that barely covered their bodies, as was I. My suit was made of a soft, smooth material. I ran my fingers over it ever so slightly just to memorize the feel and texture so that I could recall it later. It was two separate pieces that scarcely covered the most intimate parts of my body. I could feel a blush rush to my cheeks and felt rather foolish since the other two females were dressed in the same fashion. My mother, however, also wore a sheer black material wrapped around her waist, but I could see her black bottoms easily through the material. Her top was tied around her back with strings of the same black color. My sister’s suit was very similar, but was a bright purple color while mine was a bright pink.
I couldn’t tell what type of fabric the men’s shorts were made of. It didn’t look nearly as soft as our attire, but rather different. I don’t know exactly how to describe it. I had never seen anything like it before and it was covered in strange designs of many colors.
I stretched out on the deck and could feel my long hair wet against my bronzed skin. My arms, legs, and stomach were more defined than I had ever seen them look before. Even my toenails were painted a bright pink color that sparkled beautifully in the sun. I was amazed with the subtle differences in my physical self from one place to the other. I felt like me yet somehow entirely different. It was odd in a comforting liberating sort of way.
I jumped and screamed as I felt the cold water hit my skin.
“Hello, Jocelyn. You’re daydreaming again.” My brother splashed me again with some water laughing aloud along with the other three.
“Sorry,” I laughed and hurried out of his line of fire.
The bright sunlight and images before me began to fade slowly. I knew it was pointless to try and hold on to it once it began to blur, although it ripped my heart out to be so helpless and watch the happy family I felt so attached to disappear before my eyes.
I woke up sobbing, but not screaming. My room was empty and silent. Only the crackling of the wood in the fire broke through the silence. It was still fairly dark outside and I had no idea as to what hour it was. I was too terrified to check the pocket watch that still rested safely in its box on the night table.
I rolled over and pulled my covers up around my chin. I was at least thankful that I hadn’t woken up screaming and no one was rushing into my room this morning. I had hidden away from everyone yesterday and missed another full day of classes, something I truly hated doing. I loved school, loved my classes. But now, I couldn’t bring myself to face anyone. Yesterday, I woke up screaming nearly scaring Mimi half to death out of a deep sleep. After which I felt horrible for.
The stress of not sleeping well was obviously taking its toll on me not only mentally, but physically as well. I had large dark circles under my eyes, no appetite to speak of, and my muscles felt fatigued. It had been at least a week since I woke up feeling refreshed and energized.
All I wanted to do was sleep, yet I was terrified to do so. I was trying everything I could think of to stay awake. I was reading every book I could sneak unnoticed out of my father’s library until the wee hours of the night when my brain could no longer process anything and the words on the pages were becoming indistinguishable from each other. Then I would try and recite various passages from course lectures to keep my mind occupied. Eventually, my efforts would prove to be fruitless and I would collapse into a restless sleep. It wasn’t fair.
I closed my eyes trying to shut out Emily’s words that played continually over and over in my head. They held me baffled in a spiral of confusion and speculation. Jackson would never do anything that would put me in harm’s way. I was sure of it. He loved me every bit as much as I loved him, I felt that in my soul. But then how could he deliberately put me through something like this?
The light started to break through the curtains and filled my room with its soft morning glow. I debated on whether I was going to get out of bed or simply spend another day here feeling helpless and frustrated. I knew that Jackson had gotten home last evening, but I had refused to see him, claiming that I wasn’t feeling well. In the same manner, I managed to avoid William and everyone else in the house except Mimi. However, I had invited Elizabeth over today to decide upon her dress for my wedding. Certainly she wouldn’t come by since I wasn’t in school for the last two days. But then again, she may stop by just to check on me. I wasn’t sure one way or the other.
I crawled out of bed and sat down at my window seat, pulling a blanket around me. It was so bitterly cold despite the roaring fire across the room. I hated the drafts the windows allowed to enter into my room during the cold months. I leaned my head against the window and stared across the street at Jackson’s quiet house. I could see no movement behind their curtains and I wondered if anyone was up over there yet. What I couldn’t figure out was how I was going to deal with Jackson. Should I confront him? What would I say? I felt as if I was accusing him of something horrible and strangely, it made me feel guilty for witnessing the visions.
An invisible force pulled me over to my bureau. I lifted out an ink well, quill and a stack of parchment. I flopped back down on my bed and took the cork out of the ink well. I dipped the quill and started scribbling all the bizarre things I had witnessed in every vision I had seen. I tried to write down all the people I had seen. I did not know names so I jotted down their physical descriptions and characteristics of each individual I had encountered.
I tried to connect the dots between people who I knew were somehow part of my family and others who I had seen at what I believed to be school. Only the one young man appeared to be a part of both. Without even thinking I began sketching out various things I had seen—the funny clothes, the talking picture boxes. Everything that I could recall I wanted to put down on paper. Somehow by doing that it made them become real. I knew they could not be. How could they? But doing something so trivial eased the burden
off my troubled mind and heavy heart.
I heard the clanking of pots and pans from the kitchen below as the house slowly began to awaken. Shortly thereafter I heard creaking on the stairs and the voices of my family members talking quietly as they went downstairs to have their breakfast. I could not bring myself to want to join them.
I flipped through the scattered papers tossed about my bed and the strange objects and words I had written on them. Are they really real? Could there really be a place where women are free to decide the course of their own lives? Where I could be free from the bonds that hold me to this provincial world?
This world held everything I had always dreamed of and more. The only thing I had here was Jackson and my love for him. Of course I loved my family, my friends—the new life that was soon to begin when I finally became Jackson’s wife. But is all that going to be enough for me? Can I really be happy just being a wife, a mother, and hosting parties like my mother? No, I honestly do not believe in my heart of hearts that it is a life I want to live. I want more. I want it all.
I leaned back against my pillows and closed my eyes. My mind drifted off to her world and the afternoon I got to spend there at Indiana University. The gorgeous campus was so full of life. All the young adults rushing about, working hard, arms filled with books, getting to fulfill their dreams and become anyone they desired. I was so jealous I almost screamed.
But can I live in a world without Jackson?
The point, however, was moot. It was all a fantasy after all. Wasn’t it? I got up and wandered back over to the window and pulled back the curtains. The sun shown down brightly upon his house and I could see some movement behind their front windows. I hated to think about having a life without Jackson. A life without feeling his arms around me, his lips upon mine, without being his wife and the mother of his children. Could I honestly do that?
I slid down into the window seat and wrapped the blanket back around me. I tried to push her world out of my mind and solely concentrate on my own. But it was impossible. My forehead dropped against the cold pane. Thank goodness I do not have to choose. Her world and mine were two entirely different entities. Mine was real, hers was not.
A lone tear ran down my cheek. I could not believe that I was getting so upset over something that was not even real. Her world, my dreams. All wrapped up together and yet never meant to exist at the same time. As much as I dearly love Jackson and want to be his wife, I know there is so much more out there yet for me to become.
I stayed curled up in that blanket on the window seat for the remainder of the day, seeing no one again, except Mimi. She insisted that I eat some toast and drink some chicken broth around dinner. Other than that, she was sweet enough not to pry and left me alone to wallow in my own dilemma and self pity.
CHAPTER 7
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I GOT UP EARLY AND HEADED OUT with Jenna, Jackson, and Ethan to basketball practice. All of us had made the school teams after our final try-outs yesterday and for the next couple Saturdays we were all going to have practices until our first games.
Our school had two gymnasiums for practice. Of course, the boys’ team got the larger of the two while we girls were stuck in the much smaller one for practice. However, all games for both genders were played in the larger one.
The four of us sat in silence while Jenna drove us to school. I sat in the backseat with Jackson and rested my head on his shoulder, nodding off along the way. It was way too early to be up on a Saturday morning. This was the one thing I truly hated about playing sports.
Practice was long and strenuous, as I knew it would be. We ran through all the same ol’ drills that we’ve been doing since junior high all the while being reminded by Coach Smith that ‘fundamentals are the backbone’ of winning.
Hilary and Caitlyn dragged themselves into the locker room at the end of practice along with Jenna and I and the rest of the team. We changed back into our sweats and washed our faces off with cool water, trying to make ourselves presentable again before rejoining the guys.
It was almost noon and we’d been in practice since eight. Each of us was suffering from exhaustion as we slowly hauled ourselves through the chilly parking lot. Cody had his arm draped around Hilary’s waist and Caitlyn and Zak held hands beside Jackson and me. Jenna and Ethan walked together since the rest of us were paired off.
“What’s everyone doing tonight?” Jenna asked, switching sides with Ethan.
“I don’t know. Any good movies come out this week?” Hilary asked.
“No. Nothing I want to see. Besides I’m broke,” Caitlyn added.
“Me too,” Zak laughed. “I’d love to get a part-time job or something, but of course that will have to wait until the end of basketball season.”
“I know what you mean. You can’t do both so you have to choose, play sports and be broke, or get a job and miss out. It sucks,” Cody whined.
“What are you talking about? Your parents give you money anytime you ask for it,” Hilary teased.
“I know,” Cody laughed. “Any ideas?” he asked the group as the eight of us stood huddled freezing together between Jenna’s and Cody’s cars.
“We can watch a movie at our house,” Ethan offered.
“I hate always hanging out at our place. Let’s go somewhere else,” I complained, snuggled up against Jackson’s warm body.
“Where? There’s really nowhere for us all to just hang out,” Jenna stated, jumping up and down attempting to stay warm.
“Fine,” I rolled my eyes at her. “Our place.”
“What time?” Zak asked.
“Whenever. We’ll be home all day,” Ethan said, happy to have everyone clustered at our place so that he’d be sure to be included.
“Great. We’ll see you guys in a few.”
Caitlyn seemed satisfied with the solution and climbed into the backseat of Cody’s car with Zak.
“See you all later then,” Jackson replied, opening Jenna’s door for me.
***
After a long hot shower I stood in front of my full-length mirror imagining what it would be like to be a bride. I tried to picture it and struggled with exactly what type of bride I wanted to be. Do I want a long full dress with the ruffles? No. What about a slim silk dress or a strapless stylish number? Maybe.
I turned sideways and stood on my toes wondering what type of shoes would be appropriate. That would definitely depend on the dress. And my hair—down or up? Curls or straight? Veil or not?
I was going to need a lot of help with this. Emily was probably going to be a huge asset in this department. Mom, not so much. Her wedding was very simple yet elegant. I only hoped to be surrounded by all my family and friends.
I sighed heavily and confronted the mirror. How am I ever going to explain this to everyone? I knew they would all immediately jump to the same conclusion. She’s pregnant! I could hear them all now. Even if I eventually convinced them that I wasn’t I knew they would all decide that I was insane for getting married the summer before heading off to college.
College. Good God! I was going to have to apply to Boston University within the next week or sooner. Hell, I hadn’t even decided on a major yet. My mother really wanted me to follow in her footsteps, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a physician or not. I hated the long hours she worked and the fact that she was always on call, exhausted, and cranky. I really didn’t want a career that made me spend so much time away from my family. I wanted more of a nine to five type career.
My reflection stared back at me with wonder, confusion, and utter disbelief. I wanted so badly to talk with Jenna and share my excitement and terror with her. I knew I could trust her with the secret of my upcoming wedding, but I wasn’t sure how she herself would take the news. As much as she dearly loved Kyle, I doubted if the two of them had ever even discussed marriage or even attending the same university.
It was almost two o’clock, certainly Jenna would have showered and had lunch by now. I grabbed my
cell on my nightstand and pushed her button. She finally answered on the fourth ring just as I was about to give up.
“Hello?”
“Whatcha’ doing?” I tried to act as casual as possible, but inside I was ready to explode.
“Physics. I really hate this shit,” she complained.
“Can you come over for a few? I need to talk to you about something.”
“All right, but only for a few. I really need to study, cause I have no clue about this crap. There are four hundred different formulas and I’m completely lost.”
AP physics was her worst class and she’d been struggling with it all semester long.
“Wish I could help, but I don’t take that class until next semester.”
“I know. Anyway, I’ll be over in a minute,” She hung up the phone.
I ran downstairs and waited anxiously for her to arrive. I sat down on the bottom step and tried to figure out how I was going to tell her.
“What in the world is so important?” Jenna waltzed in the front door wearing old sweats and her hair pulled up in a ponytail.
“Upstairs.” I turned and ran up the grand staircase with her on my heels.
We reached my room and I shuffled her in and closed the door behind her. She walked over and sat down on my bed.
“Okay, I’m here now. What’s so important?” She looked peeved.
“I have some great news, but it’s a huge secret.” I sat down next to her on the bed.
“Okay.” Her face was full of apprehension.
“I mean it. You can’t tell anyone,” I warned her sternly.
“You know better than that.” She gave me a strange look. “I won’t say a word.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. This had better be good.”
“It is. Jackson asked me to marry him!”
“What!” Jenna screamed and jumped off my bed. “What in the hell are you talking about?” Her voice was so loud I was positive the entire house heard her.
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