I reluctantly turned the page again with great care. There were several pictures of a baby boy fastened to the page. None of which I recognized. I carefully turned the page again. There, I found photos of a toddler boy sitting on a rocking chair and another of him playing with a toy wagon on the floor. I assumed that this had to be one of my uncle’s sons, but I had no idea which. The next few pages were photos of my uncle, his wife, and his boys.
I began to casually flip the pages only glancing at the faces that stared up at me until I turned the page and felt like someone punched me in the stomach. There was my entire family, well, my family there. My parents, all four brothers, and me, somewhere in my early teens I think, looking up at me with a knowing look upon their faces. I could barely breathe. I had seen all these faces before in my mind’s eye so they were not unfamiliar to me, but this was real. They were real! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing in front of me, holding in my hands—proof! They had actually lived during that time period. All that Jackson and his parents had told me was true!
My hands began to shake uncontrollably and I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest. My breathing quickened as if there was no longer any oxygen in the room to fill my lungs.
The strange, yet beautiful, gowns that my mother and I wore were breathtaking. The men were all dressed in suits and hats. I only wished the photo was in color so I could see the brilliant hues of the fabrics and the background. The picture was taken on the front porch of the house—this house—my house! These faces were the ones that had been haunting me for weeks. To see them so clearly in this photo stirred so many mixed emotions, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling or if I could even put a label on it.
Slowly my eyes slid over to the adjoining page. There stood Robert, Emily, and a much younger Jackson, Alexander, and Phoebe. The five of them looked like a model of the perfect upper scale Victorian era family. The three familiar faces instantly made me feel incredibly guilty for looking at these pictures of the world I longed to be a part of. I shifted my eyes back to my family one more time before I turned the page over.
The rest of the album was filled with various photos of our family, mostly of Uncle Monte’s boys and Vivian. I closed that album and set it aside nervously picking up the next one. I looked up at the ceiling wondering what the rest of my family was doing. I was sure my dad was still in his office and my mother had been successful in her silent avoidance of me. Ethan had stopped coming by my room to talk and was only being polite now to Jackson when they rode back and forth to school together. Although Jackson hadn’t mentioned anything to me, I knew Ethan’s behavior was bothering him also.
The next several albums I flipped through had pictures of relatives from the early 1920s and up. One clearly had belonged to my brother James and was filled with pictures of his family. Finally, I came across an album that belonged to William and Olivia. A smile stretched wide across my face as I recognized the wedding photo of them on the first page. Standing on either side of them was Jackson and me. I stared at the picture for a long time. It looked as though it could have been taken yesterday, with the exception of the styles. Olivia’s wedding gown was so beautiful I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
The following page contained a picture of William and Olivia, who was holding a little baby boy in her arms. I stared at her face for a long moment. It was exactly as I recalled it in my mind’s eye. She was a pretty, young woman who actually looked much younger than she really was. The baby was adorable and looked exactly like his father. The chubby little baby with dark blond hair smiled happily up at the person taking the photograph. He looked to be maybe four or five months old. I knew Olivia was due in March, so I figured this picture had to be taken this upcoming summer. It all seemed so weird to think that I was looking at photos that were one part my family history and yet in another events that haven’t occurred yet. I was still unable to wrap my brain around it fully and if I concentrated too hard on it, the concept drove me nuts.
The next several pages were covered with photos of the little boy at various ages. He was such a beautiful child, and with each passing stage, he resembled William more and more. The following page showed the same little guy on William’s lap sitting next to his mother who was now holding another baby boy in her arms. Both parents appeared very happy as did the chubby little boy who looked about three on his daddy’s lap. I watched their children change through various stages of their childhood with each passing page. They were joined again by a third brother several years after the second and eventually a fourth before I reached the end of the album.
I closed the book in my lap and let out a deep sigh. I rolled over in my mind the idea that the Olivia I was currently aware of was only a few months pregnant, yet I was looking at aged photographs of individuals who had surely passed away now in this current reality. The concept of it was giving me a headache.
I picked up the next album without giving it much thought. Careful as always, I opened the front cover and a gasp of air escaped from deep inside me. Staring up at me was mine and Jackson’s wedding photo. The picture captured us from our midsections on up and our faces were clearly shown. Jackson had his arm around my waist and I held a bouquet of violets and lilies in my hands. There were no words to describe the rush of emotions that poured out of me. Jackson was a breathtaking sight to behold and I could not have looked more perfect if I had been professionally done up in today’s standards. We were standing in front of the hearth in the room upstairs. I absorbed every detail I could take in. I lightly traced my fingers longingly over the photograph. Then my brain flashed light a bolt.
Did my dad see this picture as well? How could he not have recognized the two people staring back off the pages? It is so obvious that it is Jackson and I. We look exactly the same, especially Jackson. Everything about him with the exception of the clothes is identical. There is simply no denying it is us in this picture. How in the world did my dad rationalize this in his own mind? The resemblance between his Jocelyn and the Jocelyn in this picture and the man standing beside her and my current fiancé is uncanny and must have boggled his mind for sure. Is that why he wanted me to look through these alone? Is he curious as to my reaction once I notice it for myself? Is he testing me?
I had no clue what could possibly be running through his head at this moment. My only hope was that he hadn’t taken the time to look through all the albums since this was next to the bottom of the pile. I was almost afraid to turn the next page and see where my life was taking me next. Jackson’s voice screamed out in the back of my mind warning me against knowing too much about my future in the past. I hesitated, my fingers toying lightly with the edge of the page.
Did I really need to know what was in store for us? Should I be so curious or just let the events unfold over the natural course of time? I let out a small laugh. Natural course of time. There is nothing natural about my course of time. There never has been apparently. What difference could this possibly make now? It’s not like I actually have the power to change anything about the past anyway.
I held my breath and flipped the page over. There was Jackson and I standing beside William, Olivia, Elizabeth and Lee on our wedding day. See, nothing to be afraid of. I’m just being silly. The next several pages were various photos of different family members on our wedding day. Completely harmless.
The next page showed a picture of Jackson and me standing on the front porch with our arms around each other’s waists looking happy. But the porch was not the one on this house, or the Chandler’s home. It had to be our new home. I sucked in a large amount of air and almost choked. It was Jenna’s, or Olivia’s parents’ home! Why are we standing on the porch of their house? It didn’t make any sense. I rattled it around in my brain, but the images I had previously seen of that time told me nothing. It made no sense at all. Perhaps we just happened to be over there visiting the new owners and someone took a picture of us on the porch. It was the only explanation I could reason.
I slow
ly turned the page again. There were various photos of us together or us alone in numerous settings. I could tell with each passing page, the subtle differences in our faces, maturity setting in on each of us. It showed me the passing years as Jackson and I were obviously still childless. In my heart I knew it was because during this time, Jackson was keeping true to his word to my father that I would finish grad school without having a child. The thought of it pleased me to no end, knowing that this man truly loved me a great deal and put my dreams and the goals that I held for myself before his own of having a family.
However, the following page showed me standing sideways with a clearly extended belly and Jackson’s arms wrapped happily around it. A smiled stretched across my face from ear to ear. So we do have a family, eventually.
It was so strange looking at a picture of me pregnant. I felt a mixture of pure joy and horrifying terror. My fingers played with the edge of the page. Do I really want to know what we have? Would it ruin it for me when the time finally comes?
All that I had dreamed of had already come true. Is it selfish to ask for more? Desire to know more? I decided quickly that I didn’t care. I was going to be selfish, I had to know. Besides, I probably wouldn’t remember any of this anyhow since the barrier was still pretty much intact.
The next page showed me holding an angelic baby boy with dark eyes and dark wavy hair like Jackson’s. I stared down at his tiny little face as tears covered my cheeks. He was perfect in every way. I wanted to reach out and hold him, cradle him in my arms, never let him go.
Now I realized why this was such a bad idea—the knowing. My heart physically ached for this child, my child. I could almost feel him in my arms and now they felt so empty. I ran my fingertip lightly over his face. It was as if I could actually feel the softness of his skin against mine, smell his scent, the fine texture of his hair against my cheek. I didn’t want to wait another eight or ten years to have this child. I wanted him now.
I never should have turned the page. My heart broke as I carefully closed the album and set it apart from all the rest. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed uncontrollably for the child that was still years away from my reality.
I placed all the stuff back into the trunk. I hadn’t put a dent in all that was in there. I would ask my dad in the morning to leave it out a little longer so I could spend more time with it. I was sure he wouldn’t mind. I straightened myself back up and picked up the album of Jackson and me and headed to my bedroom. The house was silent as I moved around. I had lost all track of time while I was in the basement and I was guessing it was later than I had thought.
The alarm clock on my nightstand informed me that it was two in the morning when I arrived back in my room. I picked up my cell phone off my pillow feeling horrible that I had forgotten to call Jackson back after getting off the phone so abruptly with him earlier. My phone told me that I had five missed calls, four from him and one from Jenna.
I stacked my uncle’s journals on my nightstand next to my cell. My body felt emotionally drained as I climbed into bed with the album on my lap. I flipped open the cover for one last look at the first wedding picture of us when my cell phone went off again. I reached for it quickly before it had the chance to make any more noise and possibly wake my parents.
“Hello,” I whispered.
“Jocelyn, are you all right?” Jackson’s voice sounded alarmed.
“What? I’m fine. Do you know what time it is?” I couldn’t believe he was calling my house in the middle of the night.
“Yes. I am sorry, but I was worried. You never called me back and your bedroom light was still on. I just noticed you moving around so I wanted to catch you before you went to bed to make sure everything were all right,” he explained in a hurt voice.
“I’m sorry. I got busy with my dad and lost track of time. Were you watching my room?”
“Not really,” he sounded embarrassed. “I was only keeping an eye out since I had called you several times and you never answered. I wasn’t sure if you were fighting with Amy or Ethan or what was going on.”
“No, nothing like that. I was in the basement with my dad. He was showing me some old stuff he’d come across cleaning out the storage room. No big deal.” I wanted to sound as casual as possible considering I was staring at a wedding photo of the two of us from about one hundred-thirty years ago. I shook my head in disbelief at the entire situation and struggled to keep myself from busting out laughing at the absurdity of it all.
“It must have been pretty interesting if it held your attention for five hours.” The tone of his voice shifted slightly.
“It was…” I stumbled. I flipped over the next page as my other family and friends smiled up at me. A part of me couldn’t wait to get to sleep to be with them again.
“What did he show you?”
“Nothing.” I was no longer paying much attention to him as I became enraptured in the photos of our other life again.
“If it was nothing, then why are you being so secretive about it?”
“Just some old family things. Nothing really.”
“Which side of the family?” His voice sounded distant and faded, only a slight murmur in my ears. I wasn’t paying much attention and had stupidly flipped the forbidden page. There he was again, my son!
“Jocelyn? Which side of the family?”
Silence.
“Jocelyn? Hello? Are you there?”
I could no longer hear his muffled words. The little boy had captured my full attention, nothing else in the world existed.
“Jocelyn? Will you please answer me? Jocelyn?”
Silent tears returned and ran freely down my face. My heart was physically being torn from my chest and the pain was unbearable.
I numbly turned the page over and my little angel had grown even more. He appeared to be happy and healthy as he crawled across the floor. The next shot showed him taking his first steps with Jackson kneeling beside him ready to catch him if he should happen to fall. My child had such a proud expression on his face as if he knew this was an important moment in his young life and he had made a great achievement. The next page showed me sitting next to my son who was somewhere between two and three years old, and from the looks of it I was pregnant again.
The tears continued to flow freely and I had all but forgotten my future husband on the phone and instead was lost to a world that lay before me. I couldn’t hear Jackson calling out to me with panic in his voice. I didn’t even notice when the phone had gone dead or that I had let it slip from my shoulder and fall beside me on the bed. The entire outside world had disappeared around me.
With the flip of a page, again I saw Jackson and me in front of the hearth where we had gotten married. He was holding our oldest son while I cradled our new son in my arms!
Two boys! I have two boys!
The reality of it floored me. I turned the page once more and my youngest angel had grown a little more. He was perhaps six months old, barely sitting up beside his brother. Our oldest son looked like an exact copy of Jackson with the same black wavy hair and dimples, yet he appeared to have my brown eyes instead of Jackson’s emerald green. But it was hard to tell from the black and white pictures. On the other hand, our youngest seemed to favor more of me than his father. He had a small trace of freckles around his nose exactly like mine and what appeared to be my hair color.
I brushed away the tears again and numbly turned the page once more. My boys were growing up right before my eyes. Their chubby little bodies seemed to slim down as they got older and they looked to be very happy children, always with big smiles covering their little faces.
The following page caused a startled squeak to escape my lips when I saw we were also blessed with a daughter. There before my eyes was a photo of our happy little family at the white gazebo where Jackson had proposed. Our little boys stood on the bench on either side of us and I held a little girl in my arms. She was adorned in a long flowing gown and was sucking on her thumb. It appear
ed to be a beautiful spring day and all the lilies around us were in full bloom. My sons were wearing little knickers with suspenders and buttoned up shirts and little ties. They each held their hats in their hands and smiled up at me. Jackson looked as handsome as ever and even had a trace of gray starting to show in his black hair. I was also happy to see that I appeared to still be thin and maintaining my figure. Then again, I probably wasn’t able to breathe being stuffed into a corset. I smiled through my tears but I couldn’t take my eyes away from my family.
Nothing else in the world mattered to me now. I was positive that I had made the right decision for the course of my life. I was going to be able to go to college and grad school, graduate and have my family and a successful career. I was sure of it. It was all going to work out. I had the proof before my eyes. Jackson and I were going to be together always. This marriage was successful, going to last. Nothing was going to come between us. We were going to have two beautiful sons and a gorgeous little girl and they all appeared to be happy and healthy. I wiped the tears away again but still could not turn away. I no longer cared that I had to get up in a couple of hours and go to class. It really didn’t matter if the roof caved in and the house fell down all around me. I couldn’t tear my eyes off my beautiful family.
“Jocelyn?” A low voice came out of nowhere causing me to jump out of my skin. My eyes immediately landed on my door where Jackson stood leaning against the frame.
“Jackson,” I whispered. “What in the world do you think you’re doing? My dad will kill you if he finds you in here.” I quickly shoved the album under my comforter and brushed the tears off my cheeks.
Jackson quietly closed the door behind him before walking over to my bed and taking a seat beside me. “What is going on with you? You would not answer me and I could hear you crying on the phone.”
I brushed my cheeks off again. I couldn’t seem to get the tears to stop flowing. “Nothing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I gave my best attempt at a smile. “How did you get in here?”
Enlightened Page 20
