by J. L. Brooks
Raina began to cough profusely, alerting the technicians. They brought her water and insisted she relax, because it wasn’t good for her to be so upset. I lowered my head while rubbing my hands together anxiously. I looked at her with a loss for words. I didn’t know how to fix this.
“What can I possibly do? He want’s nothing to do with me. He made that very clear.”
My eyes began to sting thinking about how hurt I was that morning on the boat, feeling him push me away after giving myself to him.
Raina shook her head and looked off into the distance. “How was he supposed to feel when he was holding you in his arms, and as you slept, you cried out another man’s name? And then, when he finally felt he could talk about it, he goes to see you and who does he find you with?” Her eyes met mine and I felt my stomach twist into a million knots.
“What are you talking about?” I cried.
Tears pooled in Raina’s eyes and down her face. “Julian told me you were having a bad dream that night on the boat. He was unable to wake you because you were sleeping so deeply. You let out a blood curdling scream, and shouted out for Kai.”
I shifted out of the chair and stood against the wall. “Impossible. How could I not remember that? Why wouldn’t he tell me?” I began shaking and feeling dizzy. The anxiety made me feel like my body was in an iron vice, slowly tightening, squeezing out every breath.
“Because he knows where you are, and he is unable to save you. Don’t you see? Julian is being forced to relive his worst nightmare.”
I began to grow livid that no one considered my feelings. They weren’t the ones trapped in this special hell. Although I knew the chemo was ravaging her body, I felt little compassion for her anger, no matter how justified she believed she was.
“And what nightmare is that?” I spat out viciously.
Her frail hand reached out for mine. I wanted to jerk it away, but knew better. I was experiencing my own emotional turbulence, and Raina felt the need to connect with me through this rage. “That he will fall in love with you, just to have you vanish from his life forever.”
I closed my eyes and felt the air catch in my throat.
Julian was in love with me.
My head dropped as I held the sobs in, so as to not disturb any of the other patients distracted by our exchange. I couldn’t stop myself from falling against her hollow chest and weeping uncontrollably.
Her delicate hand gently stroked the back of my head as she soothed my heartache with her sweet voice. “Do you love my son?” she asked quietly.
I nodded my head slowly.
Raina laughed and continued to comfort me. “Then you need to go to him, and make that stubborn child of mine realize that he’s about to screw up the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him. Okay?”
Although my chin quivered uncontrollably, I promised to go to him later in the day, but explained that I was to stay with her for the remainder of her treatment. My eyes followed the PICC line into her port that administered the medication, and I watched the slow drips from the IV bag slide down. I knew the next day her bones would feel like they were on fire, and she would vomit repeatedly. She had lost a great deal of weight and, although the chemo was giving her a few more days here on earth, her quality of life was rapidly declining.
“I am so sorry, Raina. I know I am a selfish, petulant brat. It’s hard for me to sit here watching everyone go through this and feel bad about my situation. I hope you can forgive me.”
I sighed heavily and leaned my head into her lap.
Raina laughed lightly and coughed a few times after. “Child, I know what it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own body. To not have any control, or answers as to why things are so. How painful it is to move through the day to day, and continuously give yourself a reason to fight, when all you want to do is just go to sleep and have it all be over and done with. Tell me why am I sitting here voluntarily having my body poisoned to fight this demon, when I know ultimately I am going to lose? Why do any of us here keep fighting?”
I looked around and all eyes were upon us. The room had fallen silent, and not one person dared to respond. Raina’s hand reached out for my cheek and was quickly soaked with tears. I didn’t have to ask why. I knew.
“For love,” I choked out.
Raina smiled as her own tears fell. “Yes, Stella, we fight for love, which you must do as well. Although our battles are different, we are still fighting the same war. Rich or poor, black or white, sick or healthy, there is only one force on earth that is strong enough to conquer the darkness; a force we crave like a drug and is just as vital as the air we breathe. We all need and want love. There are far worse things than death. To not know love is one of them.”
I smiled and looked around at the others, who too had either thin streams of tears running down their faces or bright smiles. It was true. For all that we go through in life, what drives us forward can be summed up in one word—love. Granted it can be focused on sex, power, or money, but still. It is the love of it. It is the hope that the object of our affections will somehow fill the hole in our hearts and make us complete. Some of us find out all too late that anything less than authentic love is a poor substitute for the real thing, and only when we are about to take our last breaths can we see the consequences of a life lived selfishly.
I wanted to give Raina a fraction of the beautiful gift she had just given me. How quickly her words soothed my inner beast. Her strength was awe inspiring and her resilience motivating. There was nothing I could give this woman, other than my time and love, in return. As I reflected repeatedly on her words, I noticed a few individuals moving in time with the melody that was gently piped in over the speakers. I knew this song somehow. I started to hum softly, and I could feel it grow louder as each measure flowed through my veins. This was my therapy. I loved music. Something about it pushed through my pain and ignited my soul. Tapping my hand against my knees, I started to find a rhythm with various slaps and mumbled notes in my throat. I closed my eyes, parted my lips, and felt the words rush out of my lungs and into the silence.
When my eyes opened, Raina’s hand began to slip from mine as she smiled and succumbed to sleep. I covered her with the extra blanket she had brought, and left for the remainder of the treatment.
I closed the door softly behind me, and one of the nurses gently touched my arm. “Pardon me. You are Stella Brady, right?”
I grew stiff and looked around cautiously. “Yes. Can I help you?”
The woman looked flustered and embarrassed. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a small notepad, and handed it to me. “I know you are here with someone, and I hate to ask, it’s just, I can’t believe you are here right now, and you just sang to our patients. It means so much, you have no idea how incredible this is.”
I took the notepad and shook my head. “I didn’t mean to bother anyone. Raina Moreau is a good friend of mine. I am here to support her, that’s all,” I said quietly.
“Bother? Are you serious? People are going to be talking about this for a long time to come. The one and only Stella Brady was at our hospital! This is a big deal, you don’t have to be so shy about it. Oh, oh, oh . . . I was going to ask if you could please sign that for me.”
I held the pen and paper in my hand apprehensively, before scribbling my name and handing it back. No one had asked me to sign an autograph yet. Then again, no one has had a chance to ask me. I could see she wanted to start asking questions, but I excused myself before she had the chance. Rushing out the automatic doors, I looked around and sought out a quiet bench against the trees. While breathing in and out deeply, I finally lifted my head and looked around. Countless people were walking the campus, enjoying the sunshine and beautiful day.
Raina was unable to sit out here, as the chemotherapy made her skin so sensitive she would burn within minutes. The birds sang happily as a gentle breeze swept across my skin. The smell of antiseptics was replaced by the sweet aroma of cedar from the freshly-laid mu
lch chips at my feet. Various colorful annuals were planted in beautiful displays, and families and friends visited among the professional colleagues enjoying lunch.
This was my life. Not the one I had lost, and not the one I felt I deserved. This moment was all I was guaranteed, and I was letting it slip away. An urgency rattled my nerves, but I forced myself to be still, breathe in the warm summer air, and listen as the children who ran past me on the sidewalk laughed. I looked up into the periwinkle sky and gazed at the billowing nimbus clouds floating across, threatening rain with traces of deep gray at the edges. Life was all abuzz around me, but I had been too caught up in the noise that resided solely between my two ears. For an hour I watched as others went about their day, and absorbed the beauty of a North Carolina summer. The humidity had not yet set in, and the days were as close to perfect as they’d ever been.
I was within view of the front door, and watched as my mother pulled into a parking spot. Before she could reach the entrance, I called out and beckoned her over to me. She appeared heavy footed, but I was not moved. She had every reason to be pissed off at me, and I imagined she would feel quite smug with my remorse.
A few paces away from the bench, she saw my face and slowed down. “Stella, are you okay?”
I shook my head and tried to hold back the tears, but I failed miserably and ran into her arms. “Mama, I am so sorry,” I wailed.
She held me tight and moved from side to side. “Oh, Stella bug. I am sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have been so cross, it’s just that I feel like everything is falling apart.”
I smiled weakly and pulled her closer. “It is, mama, but this is how it’s meant to be right now. Sometimes things have to fall apart so God can put them back the way he wants them. It won’t always be this way.”
Just as I’d cried against Raina’s chest, I held my mother against mine. The woman who could move mountains, suddenly felt small in my arms. An urge to protect her and shelter her from any harm flooded my soul. This was love.
For nearly fifteen minutes, she wailed in my embrace. Her tears soaked my shirt, leaving a massive wet stain. But I didn’t care, they were healing. We walked hand in hand to the oncology department and waited for Raina to be discharged. While I stood in the lobby, my mother went to retrieve the car. I pushed the umbrella-covered wheelchair to the curb, and helped my mother lift Raina into the seat. As we began the short trip back to Mooresville, my mother continued to smile into the rearview mirror at her best friend. They woke up expecting the worst, and could rest knowing that it would somehow work itself out.
I asked my mother to take me to the vineyard after we dropped Raina off at her house and got her situated. I had never been there, but I knew that’s where Julian would be. The sun would be setting shortly, and a stunning gold aura was cast onto the trees, reflecting from the shiny leaves. My mother was quiet as we moved out of town and in the direction of the vineyard was located.
After pulling to a stop, my mother kissed my cheek and held the side of my face for a moment. “Stella, remember he feels just as lost as you do. Show him he is not alone. He needs you more than you realize.”
“What about Kai, mama? He cares about me too.”
Her eyes closed and her lips tightened.
“I will not argue that Kai is a not a good man, and in a different world he may have been the one. But he’s not. This is where you belong, and Julian is the reason I never told you. I wasn’t trying to keep you from the truth. I simply wanted you to be able to discover it in your own time. Everything happens for a reason Stella, and this is no accident.”
I nodded my head and opened the door of the truck. As far as the eye could see, grape trellises lined the horizon. I crossed the street and headed into the massive stone building. Inside there was a gift shop and restaurant. I inquired if anyone knew where I could find Julian, and a young man was dispatched with a small gator type of vehicle to escort me into the field. I hopped in nervously, and the kid sped off toward the lake. I held the side railings as we bumped along, but he was not shaken. The cool air brushed my face, and the sweet scent of grape vines and cultured soil permeated my nostrils. Feeling my body jerk, I closed my eyes and waited for it to pass.
~ Strange Dreams ~
I awoke with a start, but was no longer in the gator where I had apparently lost consciousness. I was in a big bed, wearing a large T-shirt that smelled freshly laundered compared to the hint of musk emanating from the pillowcase. The moon illuminated the massive room, yet I was unsure where I was, and desperately needed to relieve myself. A door was left slightly ajar, and a night light beyond showed that it opened to a luxuriously appointed bathroom. My jaw dropped at the rustic opulence, reminiscent of something Tuscan. Marble lined the floors, while the walls and counters had intricately-painted tiles as accents. Plush towels rested in various places, with woven containers holding soaps, wash clothes, and extra toilet paper.
In the corner was a large walk-in shower without a door, and against the window was a massive tiled garden tub, sunken into the ground and large enough for several bodies. Unsure of how long I had slept and whose bed I had crawled out of, I took a peek into the medicine cabinet, hoping for a clue before allowing myself to panic. A few red bottles sat neatly at the top, with the basic staples indicating a woman did not share this space. I took one down and peered at the label, then smiled slightly before scrunching my brow. I was with Julian, but where?
I set the bottle back, tip toed into the bedroom, and carefully lifted back the sheets. I slid my arm over to feel for his body, and continued to reach until I realized I was alone. My mind had fully awakened, and began to race with unanswered questions. Unable to return to sleep, the overwhelming urge to soak away my concerns won out, and I began to pour hot water into the tub while exploring the rest of the room. A built-in shelf held several bottles of scented bath oils, beads, and salts. I picked them up, and they each smelled very expensive, which made me wonder who they belonged to, because men typically did not own such things. A layer of dust gently rested on the top, indicating they had never been used and were most likely decoration, which set my mind at ease.
I poured a concoction of vanilla, sandalwood, and English rose into the steaming water, then stripped down bare. The steps leading into the water felt pretentious, but I knew better than to pass up such an opportunity. It felt like forever before the water covered the edge of my breasts, but the temperature never once grew tepid.
While sinking down low, I glanced at the slightly-cracked door and realized someone was watching me. “You can come in, you know,” I said, unafraid.
Slowly, the door opened, and a worn Julian shuffled in with wild hair and basketball shorts. He sat in the chair next to the bathtub, and rubbed his eyes. I had woken him, unaware of what time it really was. “I assume you are okay now?” he asked sleepily.
I tilted my head to meet his gaze. “I am okay now, though I have no clue what happened. One moment I was in the cart to find you, the next thing I knew I was waking up in a bed that’s not mine. I am convinced this is all some strange dream, and I am just working my way though it until it is over.”
Julian began to rouse and pulled off his white socks. “This is just a dream to you? You don’t think any of this is real?”
I gently brushed my palms against the bubbles that rested across the surface of the water. “I am not sure what this is,” I replied.
Julian scooted out of the chair and sat on the floor next to me, dipping his hand in the water and moving it back and forth. “What do you want this to be?” he asked.
Seeing him evoked a rush of blood through my body, and awakened an appetite that was reserved for him alone. The primal urges surfaced and, although I was furious for how easily I was dismissed, I now knew better. He was as helpless as I was in our ability to contain feelings for one another.
“I want you to get in here with me and help me figure it out.”
Julian’s eyes darkened, but he did not hesitate. He
slid off his shorts, walked slowly down the steps, and reached out for me to stand. Accepting his outstretched grasp, I slid my body against his and trembled with anticipation.
Using his index finger, Julian lifted my chin to meet his unwavering stare. “Do you have any clue how crazy you make me?”
I nodded my head and felt myself grow weak. Julian’s mouth careened wildly into mine, stealing the breath from my lungs, and I was helpless to resist. He broke the kiss with haste, turned my body around, and instructed me to hold the edge of the bathtub. His large fingers splayed across my hips and jerked me backward into the desired position. With me bent at the waist, he explored the skin along my spine with his hands, then ran them down my thighs, eliciting a shiver. The oils allowed him to glide across my skin without resistance, which he used to his advantage. Slick fingers danced teasingly between the back of my thighs, before light slaps were administered onto the damp skin. I braced myself on my elbows and pushed back against him, hungry for more.
“Please,” I said, moaning.
“Please what?” he asked.
“More. You,” I mumbled.
Julian’s hand pressed hard into my lower back before sliding around to my abdomen drawing me closer to him. I could feel his arousal press against me, waiting for the right moment. He dipped his mouth into the crook of my neck, and taunted me with gentle bites and roaming hands. “I’m sorry about the boat, Stella. I’m scared. I can’t lose you. Not again. I don’t know what I would do if . . .”
I spun around quickly and grabbed Julian’s neck, pulling him closer. Holding the sides of his face, I made my plea. “Then don’t let me go, Julian. Fight for me. Don’t just let me slip through your fingers because you are afraid. I cried out another man’s name because you weren’t there to save me. I sought him out because you pushed me away. I won’t stay here if you don’t want me, but you have to tell me that you need me, that I still have a place in your heart.”
