by J. L. Brooks
I had to force Julian to eat and sleep. When he did, it wasn’t very much, and he wasn’t able to unless I was there with him. When he would finally fall asleep, I’d slip away to visit Raina and monitor her vitals. Occasionally, she would wake and realize I was there, then hold my hand as she went back to sleep. I tried to withhold the tears from all of the time I missed being away, knowing it was gone forever.
A week had passed, and she was still hanging on. Her breath was labored, and her weight had plummeted. I half joked I could find her a marijuana brownie if it helped to give her a bit of an appetite, smiling at the thought of getting stoned with her. One afternoon, my mother and Julian were both out running errands, leaving me alone with the hospice staff. Raina was particularly alert, and ushered them out the door. I paid little attention to the emphasis she assured them with, and I told them I would call if something happened. Reluctantly they left, knowing it was necessary. I grabbed a cup of coffee, turned on the television, and flipped to her favorite soap opera. A few minutes into the show, she asked me to turn it off.
“Do you want to watch something else?” I asked.
She turned her head slowly toward me and took a deep breath. “No, I want to talk to you.” Her voice was low and wheezy from the fluid building in her lungs. The oxygen tank ticked as air pumped through the small tubing, causing me to check the pressure levels.
“Sure, what’s up?”
As my fingers untangled the pile of tubing next to the bed, she reached out and touched my arm. Looking at her face, I knew it was something serious.
“When do you intend on telling them you have your memory back?” she asked solemnly.
Frozen in place, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I allowed the tubing to fall out of my hands and took a seat next to her. “How did you know?”
Tilting her head, she gave a knowing smile. “Very little escapes me. I know when you are out here, tinkering with the machines and talking to yourself. I know that you talk to me. I hear you praying, and crying. I am surprised no one has caught on yet.”
I let out a deep breath and pulled my knees up to my chest. “I don’t know. It’s hard. I have all of these feelings, and no way of expressing them. I’m not ready to go back to the life I had. Not yet. The moment everyone knows, everything will change. There are so many things I have done wrong, and for what? Because of a misunderstanding? I know I can’t pretend for very much longer, and you will probably disagree with my thinking, but I wasn’t going to say anything until after the funeral. I know it will scare everyone.”
Raina’s hand squeezed mine lightly, and rather than giving me an argument on how I needed to tell them, she sought answers to the questions that rested in her heart.
“Stella, I need to know what happened to you to make you so afraid. I need to know the truth. What happened to you?”
Of all the memories I failed to recall, forgetting this one was impossible. It haunted my dreams and surfaced every time I felt I could open myself to someone. It was the cement in the stone walls built around my heart, and fueled the anger that drove me forward. The familiar rage boiled in my veins just thinking about the point I was crushed to pieces.
My jaw clenched, forcing the misery back. I wouldn’t cry over this. I had shed enough tears to last a lifetime, over a moment so painful, and I had grown numb to the emotional debt. Getting lost in the anger, the coolness of Raina’s hand, brought me back to the present.
“Stella please, you can tell me.”
There wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to revisit that dark place, because doing so meant ripping open a wound I had spent years trying to heal. As I closed my eyes and pondered her request, the dial on her grandfather clock shifted and it began to chime, a poignant reminder of what was taking place.
I felt as if I was standing in front of a giant door I had nailed shut, and her plea was a crowbar begging me to loosen the nails. With everything that had transpired in the past week, I knew there was no point in avoiding the inevitable, and it was time to face the monster within. Pushing past the pain and discomfort, I reached into the deepest part of my soul and submitted to fate. The first tear seared a trail down my face, with many more to follow. Feeling her grip tighten, I knew I wasn’t alone. The words choked in my throat, and my tongue grew thick and heavy.
Exhaling a ragged breath, I began the tale of my descent. “I hadn’t slept in two days. It was finals week, and the hospital was understaffed due to the physicians being away for the holidays. Dr. Jefferies had a few of us doing rounds with him and the interns. We were just supposed to be observing. I received a call from Heather McHenry telling me that Julian had come home and she’d seen him at the airport. But he wasn’t alone. He was with a pretty girl. They were laughing, and she kept touching him, but he didn’t push her away. Heather knew I was waiting for him to come home and wanted to find out what was going on, so she approached him and he seemed really nervous. He begged her not to tell me about her, saying it was important that she didn’t say anything. But she knew I would be devastated, so she found a payphone in the terminal and called me right away. I was in shock; I didn’t know what to think.
I couldn’t believe Julian would ever hurt me like that, but she saw it with her own eyes. I was so angry that when Jefferies gave me the orders, I knew it was too much, and I questioned him, but I did it anyway. I almost killed Mr. Davies. He didn’t deserve that. Jefferies threatened me, saying that if I said a word, I would never graduate. But I didn’t care. How could I knowingly practice medicine knowing I could be so reckless?”
I wiped the tears away from my eyes, and could see Raina’s face so full of heartache and anguish. Her arm trembled as it held mine firmly, refusing to let go when I needed her so desperately. She allowed me to cry for a few moments longer, then she took a deep breath and looked at the clock.
“Stella, I need you to go into my bedroom and open my top drawer. At the bottom in the back left corner is a small box. Please bring it to me, hurry.”
I unfolded my cramped legs, went into the room, and felt around for the item. I felt my fingers brush against a small leather box, so I gripped it with my palm and brought it back out for her. She just shook her head and closed my fingers around it.
“Open it,” she said softly.
I paused, feeling the weight in my hand of such a small item thoughtfully, until she repeated once again with a firmer tone, “Open it.”
I sat on the chair and cracked the hinge of the worn box. Inside was lined with dark green velvet, and there was a beautiful antique ring in the center. I recognized it immediately—it was her engagement ring. I admired it often, and she would tell me stories of how Romain had sold his prized colt to buy her the ring in hopes that she would marry him. How she was furious that he would give up something he loved so much for a silly ring. Together they would laugh and savor a moment so endearing it carried heat into the winter of their lives.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when he passed, Raina. I should have been.”
My chest began to rattle with a new rush of pain over one more way I had let down those I loved. Mr. Moreau treated me like a daughter, and I never thought twice about how it would have affected them both. I closed the box and went to pass it back to Raina, but she shoved my hand away. Confused, I tried once more, and was refused.
“Now this is the part where you listen to me, Stella.” Her eyes were full of determination and, dare I say, fury. I had never seen her react with such tenacity, and was weary of what was coming next. I set the small box in my lap, and gave her my full attention.
“Before I die, you must know the truth. Julian and your mother were not going to tell you, and like always, I get to be the bearer of bad news. But I refuse to leave this earth with you believing one more damn lie. That girl that Heather saw, her name is Sgt. Shana Ficks, and she saved Julian’s life. He was traveling with her unit, and their Humvee ran over an explosive. The truck flipped, and three people were killed. Shana pulled him to safety,
and because of her, he survived.
“Julian knew that she didn’t have a family, and he wanted to thank her by bringing her here to spend the holidays. He wanted it to be a surprise, because he planned on giving you that ring. The first thing that he said to me after the accident is that he knew he couldn’t die because he had to marry you. That you were the only thing that kept his heart beating when the rest of his body wanted to let go, and she was the reason that he was able to do that. But he never got the chance to ask. You may think that once they know your memory is back everything will fall apart, but that’s just one more obstacle holding you back from who you are supposed to be. It’s not too late for you to make things right, so don’t wait too long, because it might pass you by, and all of this will have been for nothing.”
Hearing a car pull into the driveway, I knew our time was up. I tucked the small box into my pocket, then leaned over Raina, gently scooping her into my arms and holding her close. It was impossible to suppress the sobs in my chest as the broken pieces of my heart turned to dust. I wanted to scream at God for letting me walk through such hell, and in the same breath praised him for bringing me back to his place of reconciliation. Julian walked through the glass door and rushed to my side in fear that his mother had slipped away, then exhaled a sigh of relief when he saw her smile. Her hand reached for my face in comfort as I continued to fall apart.
Speaking with a newfound sense of contentment, she softly addressed us both. “I know what you are thinking, and it’s going to be okay. Whatever happens beyond this point, I know you have found your way back together, and I can leave this world in peace. I am so very proud of you, and love you both so very much. Take care of each other. That’s all that I ask.”
The wheezing in her chest increased, and I knew she was straining to talk. She began to cough repeatedly, and needed to rest. Julian’s body grew tense, as we watched her worsen with every passing moment. The nurse came in to check her vitals, and increased her morphine, allowing her to relax. Before she fell asleep, we both kissed her on the cheek, told her we loved her, and promised to do as she requested. Closing her eyes, she fell asleep content.
Feeling the small box in my pocket, I knew I could never look at Julian the same. His reluctance to fall in love with me became so clear, and I was devastated by the pain I had caused. I know that was not Raina’s intention in telling me the truth, but now that I knew, it couldn’t be undone. His face was sunken, with a shadow of unkempt whiskers across his jaw. He wanted to be strong, and although he had been prepared for this moment, nothing can truly make us ready to let someone we love slip through our hands.
I tangled my fingers in his, brought them to my mouth, and gently kissed his knuckles before leading him upstairs into the bedroom. He sat on the bed quietly, exhausted from lack of sleep. I knelt on the floor and removed his shoes, then turned back the covers. I crawled up next to him, wrapped my body around his, and vowed not to move until he awoke again. For the first time that week, Julian slept. Twelve hours of uninterrupted slumber passed before his eyes opened and he began to rouse. Feeling me lying next to him, he hovered over my side and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder.
“Hey you,” I mumbled.
“Hey,” he replied with a scratchy voice.
I turned over onto my side and ran my thumb across his soft lips, before leaning up and greeting them with mine. I was beginning to wonder if Julian was really going to leave me here after all of this, and I questioned whether or not he would ever trust me again once he knew my memory had returned. Would he be ever in fear of me abandoning him? I prayed not. Only time would tell what course our lives would take, but I continued to wrestle with my decision to wait until after the funeral to reveal the truth.
I moved the covers back to crawl out of the bed, but Julian’s arm held my waist and pulled me close.
“Mmmmm . . . not yet. Just a little bit longer,” he murmured, while nuzzling the top of my head.
While resting on one arm, I allowed the other hand to gently trace the outline on his chest. The small keyhole had never been touched up, and in the sunlight, I could see the spatters of where ink had not covered the skin completely. His beard brushed against my forehead, softer after a few days of growth. I liked how the thick stubble aged Julian and made him appear closer to his true years. Thin silver strands were woven throughout, and brought more light to his face. Noticing me paying particular attention to the unruly scruff, he palmed over it in contemplation.
“I like it,” I said, while trailing my fingers from his ear down the length of his jaw. He gave a slight smile, then his hands reached below the covers and under my thin tank top. He cupped a breast gently, and his thumb swept across the nipple, drawing it tight. My body responded to him instantly, and he was driven by the feeling of my heart beating rapidly under his fingertips. He dragged his nails slowly down my abdomen, then began to nudge my shorts and panties down my hips with an unspoken urgency. He needed to feel something besides sadness and despair, we both did. If only for a few fleeting moments, we could journey together to a place of forgetting, the kind we should embrace and not fear, it would give us the strength we needed to carry on.
Consumed by adoration, it was in that place where Julian found me.
Although my memory had returned, my heart was still locked far away from anguish and suffering. I struggled with the unforgiving demons relentlessly. They had made themselves quite comfortable, and refused to leave without a fight. Clinging to Julian for life, I begged him not to stop. In a flash, I could see my body for what it really was—a vessel of skin and bones with an expiration date.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Our greatest battles are not fought in the flesh, but with our minds, and our spirits. If we are bound within ourselves, we stand no chance against the external forces that threaten to destroy us—weapons, disease, abuse, or neglect. Of that which is earthly and that which is divine, we are all subject to the universal laws, but we are not without hope. As Julian sought refuge in the most sacred of spaces, I sheltered him with my arms and gave him the strength he needed to get through another day.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Love never fails. Despite all of our human shortcomings and frailties, love never failed me, and my self-imposed exile from love was almost over. The last step was to walk through the door. I opened my eyes; they were blurred and warm, full of tears and devotion. Above me I could see Julian tangled in a conflict of his own. What distorted understandings kept him snared in a dungeon forged by a mistake? His torment was too much to bear, and I could no longer hold onto my intent. If I were to remain silent, the moment could forever vanish, just as I did years ago. He deserved this more than ever, even if it meant losing him to the truth.
I reached my hand up slowly, curled it around his neck, and lifted my body for one last kiss. He paused and matched my intensity with each movement, our tongues dancing feverishly against one another in a race to the end. Feeling him swell within me, I knew he was close and about to plummet over the edge. Fighting the urge to retreat, I trailed my lips across his face and into the crook of his neck. With my mouth pressed against his ear, I released my confession into the atmosphere and prepared for annihilation. Although it was merely a whisper, the words echoed loudly through his soul.
“I remember everything.”
~ Bombshell ~
Julian was unable to stop his body from reacting in both pleasure and shock. Adrenaline surged through him as my back slammed against the mattress while he quaked. His eyes were savage, and his nerves radiated forceful tremors. He w
atched helplessly as I shuddered beneath him in my own euphoric calamity. Time appeared to stand still as our breath and bodies recovered. The muscles in his jaw tightened, but he held me firmly in place. He was panting heavily, and I could see the questions forming in his mind.
“What did you just say?” he growled.
I refused to speak. There were no more words within me that could undo what just happened. Incensed by my silence, he rattled the mattress violently to be answered.
“I remember everything,” I muttered.
Upon hearing confirmation, he pulled away from me instantly, as I had feared he would. His expression wavered between confusion and skepticism.
“How long has it been?” he demanded.
Growing indignant, I curled my legs beneath me and rose up. “Since the hospital. I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to wait until after the . . .”
Julian stopped me from finishing the sentence with a cupped palm to my lips. He was still locked onto my gaze, and I could see the turmoil starting to subside. I knew that his walls were crumbling. Before becoming too confident, I remained frozen in place. I waited for him to move, to speak, to take the next step. I had surrendered to him in every way, and what transpired next was up to him.
Understanding my vulnerability in the moment, he shifted calmly toward me and cradled the sides of my face. “You are still here. After everything? Do you know about Shana?” he said, bewildered.
I nodded my head and allowed more tears to fall. “I do, your mom told me everything. Heather was wrong. I’m still here Julian. I wasn’t going to leave you. Not now,” I cried.
He swiftly pulled me into his arms, and I breathed a ragged sigh of relief before allowing myself to collapse into his embrace.
