by Sam Taylor
*
Walking back I spy Pa an Goldy coming out the Afterwoods. Hes not carrying a deer only the gun. Goldy hears me turns an waf-wafs an Pa turns too he dont look sprized.
Hey Finn.
Hes looking at me but its like ahm not wat he truely sees. I dont no how to splain it. Its like where ever hes looking hes all ways see-ing some thing dark an big that no body else can see. He gins to walk an I go long side of him taking two strides to his one.
Did you catch any thing I ask thinking maybe hes all ready skind an gutted it.
Catch any thing he peats like he dont stand.
I point at the gun hanging from his shoulder. You wer hunting werent you.
Oh. No. I wernt hunting.
But I herd a gunshot.
You herd. His brow makes a V. Oh erly this morning.
I nod. It woke me up.
Yeh. I mist. That wer the only one I saw. Sorry Finn.
Ahm hungry Pa.
Theres plenty tatoes.
Can we maybe catch a fish.
You can try he says in a low voice. I dont no how many are left a live after this drowt. He looks over cross the sea wen he says this an that minds me of the rising.
Pa I say wys the rising so dark an thick. Ive never seen it like that befor.
Its jus a lusion he splains.
Wats a lusion.
Its like see-ing some thing that int truely there. Like the skys a lusion its not blue an its not truely there it jus looks like it is.
I look up at the sky.
Its not truely there.
No says Pa. Lifes full of lusions Finn youl lern that as you get older.
His voices grown softer now softer than its been for a longtime. I feel like hes my Pa a gen like theres a nection tween us. I want to keep him talking like this so I say
I dont stand Pa.
But he ruffles his hair then an sighs. Its hard to splain Finn. Youl stand one day.
Is God a lusion I ask.
He smiles then an I see the old him jus a flash of it behind his sad new mask. No body noes he plies. Some people think Hes a lusion an some people think Hes real but no body truely noes.
Wat do you think Pa.
Theres a real long pors. I dont no. Onestly. I want to be leave Hes real but. I jus dont no. Wat bout you Finn.
I hope Hes a lusion I fess.
He looks at me then like for a moment ahm truely wat he sees.
Wy do you say that.
I want to say Cus God made people an then He kills em cus He askt Abraham to sakry fice his own son cus Hes cruel an pricious an too power full to nore. But non of that comes out my mouth. Ahm worried Pa might get angry with me so I only shrug an say
I dont no.
Pa looks a way he dont say any thing. Weare coming tords the ark now an I no our talks all most over so I say wats most on my mind I say
I miss Snowy.
He winces like hes got one of his heart aches an ahm sorry I said it but then he gentles
Is that where you went jus now. To see Snowy.
I nod an look down at the yellow grass.
I never did plant them flowers for him did I. Ahm sorry Finn. We can do it today if you like.
Okay I say.
An we can go fishing too. Lets go to the lake so even if we dont catch any thing at least we can all cool down in the water.
Okay I peat. I smile up at Pa an touch his hand with mine its got hairs on the back of it. He grips my fingers then sunly lifts me up so Ive got my arms round his neck an my feet dangling in air an his arms round my shoulder blades culling me so tight I can harly breath an his beards scratching my neck an his breths sower but I dont care I feel so leaved. Pa still loves me I tell my self. He hant forsaken me afterall. The berfly in my chest flutters like crazy an ahm so sprized I laf. Its the first time Ive felt my berfly since the day Snowy died.
IX
I untangle myself from Daisy’s hot arms (she musta crawled in here with me during the night) and dress quickly in the darkness. I kiss her forehead, damp with cooled sweat, then check on the other two. They’re sleeping, thank God.
In the kitchen I drink some water, splash some on my face, then tear off a strip of last night’s bread, put a chunk in my mouth and the rest in my fleece pocket. Outside it’s still darkish, on one of the longest days of the year. It must be real early – even the cock hasn’t crowed yet. I unchain Goldie, rub his ears and shush him, then the two of us hurry through the gardens, through the orchard and up past the lake.
I stand at the edge of the Afterwoods and catch my breath. Below me, the lake is drying up, the exposed mud hard as stone. But what troubles me most is the sea: even in this half-light, from this angle, the horizon looks too thick, like a gap’s opened up between the water and the sky. I feel like my whole life, everything I’ve lived and worked for, could soon disappear through that gap. Is disappearing, now. For that which is crooked cannot be made straight and that which is coming cannot be stopped. Unless
I move into the deeper darkness of the trees, and follow the path. The way is so familiar that my thoughts loose their moorings, the thick enveloping woods an unseen blur as I imagine how it would feel to commit The Act. Could it really be so easy? A single cartridge, no heavier than a skimming stone, and the gentle pressure of this index finger, and. The taking of a human life. But so distant, and so justified. He has been warned, after all. And he is coming here to take MY life, my children’s innocence and my peace of mind. That whoreson of Babylon. And I, or ever he come near, am ready to kill him.
I am beginning to sweat. Under my hair, below my ears, in the hollow beneath my Adam’s apple, in the pits of my arms and legs, the crack of my ass. I stop and look around, lost for a second, then see the cabin ahead, a darkness in the heart of the leaves and trunks and branches. My sanctuary and my armoury. On I go: through the undergrowth, into the clearing. Between the solars, unlock the door. I tell the dog to wait, close the door behind me and slide through cool dimness to the back room. Unlock, open, close. Switch on the light and move to the cabinet in the corner. Another key. The sound of my breathing tight in the silent air. I cough, swallow, open the cabinet, take out the shotgun and the cartridge belt, close and lock the cabinet again. I hang the belt over my shoulder. I break, clean, load the gun. Break it again and carry it back the way I came, locking doors behind me. I will not make the same mistake I made before.
They must never
Deeper into the woods we go, my thoughts spiralling inwards now, the dream recurring: the dark mark in my crosshairs, the dead-still barrel, the evenly squeezed trigger, the shiver of release and the POKK in my ears, then the slow blink, the opening of eyes, the dark mark in the telescopic sights, prostrate and lifeless now, the sun rising, birds singing, the fresh wind blowing through my chest and mind, and they all lived happily ever after. Yes, I frown. Yes, I nod. Yes.
I climb the final slope and pause at the top, leaning against the first of the redwoods. As my pulse slows, I stroke the bark and look upwards into the heavens. Yes. I walk towards the Tree of Knowledge. Goldie is already asleep in the hollow of its roots. I unbreak the gun, check the safety, and strap it to my shoulder. Climb the ladder, resting at each platform, my vertigo deepening, steepening as the view below diminishes. I don’t look down. At the top, crawling with relief over the wooden planking, I unhook the gun, lay it flat on the platform, sit next to it and take the bread from my pocket. I remove the fleece, eat some bread. Then I take the water bottle from its hole and drink several mouthfuls. Above me the sky is pregnant with morning. The stars are fading, my sweat cooling. I finish the bread and drink some more water. I put my hand to my chest, and count. Ninety-six beats per minute. Too fast. I close my eyes, breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Slowly, deeply, forgetting all. After a few minutes I take my pulse again. Down to seventy-four. Good. I stand up and put the field glasses to my eyes, scan the grey distance. When I locate him, I exhale through my mouth and watch for a while. The dark mark. Close now
, close to our island; a day’s journey max. God hath delivered mine enemy into mine hand this day: now therefore let me smite him.
I put down the field glasses and pick up the shotgun. I kneel before the gunhole and blink through the sights, scanning until I find it again. It, not him. The dark mark. The curse of Babylon. Through the sights I can see a head, a torso, two arms, two legs, but no face. It, not him. I inhale, exhale, stroke the trigger. But my knees are aching, I’m not comfortable in this position. I put the gun down and fetch my fleece, fold it on the plank and kneel upon it. Better. I pick up the gun and find It again through the sights. My pulse is speeding. I take deep, slow breaths and tell myself to be calm. Coolness is all. Sweat prickles my hairline, my palms and fingertips are damp and slippery. The butt of the gun hurts my shoulder. I put the gun down, wipe my hands and face on my T-shirt, close my eyes and stretch my arms, rub my shoulder where it’s bruised. Calm down, calm. I test my pulse again, it’s over a hundred now. Fuck. I lie down on my back, close my eyes, breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth. There’s no rush, I remind myself. Take your time. Chill. As soon as you’re relaxed, you’re going to ready yourself, aim, fire, and all your worries will be over. What is coming will be stopped. What is crooked will be made straight. All will be well in the eyes of the Lord. We will return once more to the Promised Land. I lose myself for a while in these visions of bliss.
When I open my eyes the sky is brighter, the air warmer. Fuck, I must have fallen asleep. GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL. I pick up the gun, kneel on the fleece, blink through the sights … and now I can’t find him. It. Where the fuck has he gone? I scan the bluish haze, panic rising, then lower my sights a little and there he is. It is. It’s turned sideways now though, and the angle is more awkward. Fuck. If only I’d pulled the trigger before, instead of. But too late now for regrets. Ready, aim, fire. My pulse is up, my breathing’s ragged, but it’s too late. Ready aim fire. My hands slipslide on the wood and steel, but too late. Readyaimfire. Sweat drips into my open eye and POKK. I am knocked backward and the barrel bangs against the top of the gun hole. The sound of the explosion echoes in my ears. Frantic with excitement, with fear and hope, I put the gun down and pick up the field glasses, touch them to my eyes, refocus, scan. There, there is the dark mark, and.
It stands.
It is still standing.
I fight an urge to vomit, and stare as it moves out of sight. He must have heard the gunshot, perhaps felt the breeze of the bullet’s passage. Maybe he’s even wounded. It. Whatever. My enemy is not dead and it knows I tried to kill it. He must hate me, want revenge. It is too late. That which I greatly feared is come upon me and.
Fuck O fuck.
Only on the way down the ladder, nausea hollowing my gut and tingling my fingertips, does the SHAME soak through me. I tried to kill a man. A stranger.
I reach the foot of the tree and collapse on the grass, my back to the trunk. My skin is covered in cold sweat. Goldie barks, puts his paws on my shoulders, licks my face. I push him away and shake my head.
What is this that thou hast done?
I should climb back up and take a second shot. I know I should. But I stare up the length of the tree’s body and also know I never will. Too late. Nerve’s gone. Fucked up.
And the sky is cloudless once again: no rain today, by the looks of it. And if it doesn’t rain soon, the crops will die, the lake will vanish, we will all die of thirst, the horizon will grow wider than the sea … and the Day of Doom shall be the end of this time. Let the day perish wherein I was born. Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it.
Fuck O fucking hell.
But, to my surprise, after some time sitting here in the grass, wallowing in shame and fear, these emotions fade and I realise that what I feel more than anything is relief. I did not truly wish to kill him. Perhaps I did not even try to. No, thinking about it logically, it was impossible. Shooting at a man from three hundred feet above the ground? Impossible, and I knew it. Only a warning shot. Yes, that’s all it was. A warning shot. And who knows, maybe this time he will take the hint? Maybe he will turn around and go back to his island, or wherever it is he comes from?
Yes, I frown. Yes, I nod. Yes.
My optimism doesn’t last long. By the time I reach the forest’s edge I see only Fear and Hate and Vengeance slouching towards the shore, the mark of darkness growing larger, closer, looming till it blocks out the sun. I stare at the ground as I walk, checking the traps. At least there are no more cats to be killed.
As I think this, Goldie barks and I turn to see Finn running behind me. He is smiling. Vainly I try to mirror his look of happiness.
‘Hey Finn.’
He looks in my eyes, and automatically I turn my face away from his gaze and begin walking. I don’t want him to read my mind this morning. It’s too damned dark in there.
‘Did you catch anything?’ he asks.
I look at him blankly.
He points at my gun. ‘You were hunting, weren’t you?’
X
Leaning back genst the dry mud bank I stare up at the oak leaves shining green. You can see ther veins dark an the flesh so bright its like the lights coming from inside the leaf. Theyre beauty full. The fishing rod moves tween my fingers an I sit up but the lakes faces smooth as ever sept for the ducks swimming far off an closer the lil splashes made by the frogs as they jump one after a nother into the lake. Daisys standing in shallow water watching the frogs an Goldys on the bank watching me. Pas talking with Alice some where in the trees behind. Hes jus been with me up to Snowys grave an we planted some flowers in the erth. It musta been a breth of wind moving the rod I reckon an lie back a gen. Ahm ginning to think Pas right. The fish must all have died. Pleasenopleasenoplease moans my belly.
The shade ahm ins grey the skys covered by thin wite cloud. Less thats a lusion too it curs to me. Any way the heats strong as ever. I feel like ahm sitting inside the range my meat an bones slowly cooking. Finely I give up I plant the rod in the mud farther down an go wading into the water. Its warm as blood but nex to the baykt air its freshing an soon ahm pletely merged my body lying flat genst the mud floor eyes closed breth held all my skin drest in soft water. I wish Ikerd go swimming like Pa but ahm not a good swimmer. Non of us are realy he never showd us how. Ive askt him plenty times but he all ways had some thing else to do so in the end I guest he dint want to teach us. I dont no wy. Alice says its cus he dint want us to scape the I-land but the seas poisond any way so that cant be it.
My chest goes tight. I lift my head bove the water open my eyes an hale. The airs like fire. I look round Daisys paddling farther long the bank shes playing some game in her magination talking to her self. Sunly I hear Alices voice from some where yond the trees. I cant make out her words but shes angry I can tell. Her voices loud an spite full I hate it wen she yells at Pa like that.
I lie back an float touching the mud neath me with my hands letting the water lap over my ears nearly to my eyes staring up at the sky. There are two shrawking birds like lil black +s gliding in circles. I cant hear em shrawk cus of the water.
I stay like that for a wile then sit up. Looking round I see Daisy splashing water over her self an laffing. Shes gon in deepern befor. I sigh then go under water a gen. I hold my breth long as I can. Wen I come up my heads spinning an I can see stars an all I hears my own duum duum an hee-haw heehaw. I look cross specting to see Daisy but shes speard. I sit up taller an look round. No sign of her. Then my eyes drift farther out an I mark a lil circle of yellowite hair floating on top of the lake.
Inside me the black bird takes a slow flap of its wings. Theres some thing rong I no there is.
Daisy I say but my voice comes out tiny. Then louder
Pa wats Daisy do-ing.
A couple silents an then
DAISY. Pas sunly screaming.
I look round an see him run thru the shallow water then dive an gin swimming that way he has arms crossing one ov
er the other like plow blades. Goldys waf-wafing an jumping like he thinks its a game. I still cant see any thing of Daisy sept her hair. It looks real neat an pretty spred out on the water like a giant goldish lily pad.
She sunly pears her body lifted up by Pas arms. You can see the muscles in em sticking out. Her faces blank. Pas shouting her name an pulling her over to the bank swimming in a difrant way now like hes pushing thru long grass with one arm. Now hes running with her an her bodys shaking slightly. Now shes on the mud bank an her bodys all still like shes fast a sleep. Pas shouting DAISY an pounding her on the back. Alices silent her mouths an O. Goldy shakes his fur dry then sits real quite an watches Pa his eyes are gon all sad.
I stand up an wade thru the water tords em. Times go-ing real slow. In my chest I can feel the big black bird rising flying flapping shrawking. Pleasedontletherbedead I pray. Please God if You zist please dont let my lil sister die. Times slowd so much its all mos stopt. An but then
A sun spurt of water from Daisys mouth. A nother an shes crying her eyes open looking fraid an Pas voices changed hes still saying her name but now hes not yelling tensly hes like sobbing an laffing at the same time. Finely Daisy looks up round at Pa an Alice an me an tinys
Say there there Pa.
There there hun gentles Pa rubbing her back. There there Daisy evry things all right. Evry things go-ing to be fine. There there.
I look up at the hot wite sky an say Thank You.
*
The skys low an bruised now. Its gon so many difrant colours I cant even name em all theyre like blood stains in water all merging into each other an growing shifting spreding. Ahm standing on a chair in the fire room my head out the open window breathing in the stormsmelling air. Theres witegrey an silvergrey an yellowgrey. Theres bloodgrey an purplegrey an blackgrey an far off over the sea a sun flash of yellow. Pas lit the fire hes in the kitchen now cooking the fish he caught. That wer good news theyre not all dead afterall. It wer a big one too I can smell it cooking. Mor flashes in the sky an then that sound I can never make with my mouth that sounds like Gods coffing or clearing his throat. Alice an Daisy are culled up on the rug to gether Daisy drawing an Alice jus watching the flames. Goldys a sleep at ther feet. Outside the rains started an evry things smelling sharpern befor. Pine an grass an stone. Then the first KKRRAAKK an the arks walls shake.
