by Cat Porter
“Your Brando?”
“Yeah, my Brando.” He adjusted his jeans at the waist. “Anyway, she threatened to find a guy who had one.”
I laughed. “Did she?”
“Fuck no.” He lifted himself up to sit on the small kitchen counter. “She also had this thing that she always had to be wearing makeup. She thought she looked ordinary, plain, without it, even in front of me. She’d be up in the mornings, putting her face on, before I’d even gotten out of bed. Never understood that. Used to make me crazy, but she thought that made her more attractive to me, I guess. But that wasn’t true. That didn’t matter to me, even on the shit days. And there were plenty of shit days in the club back then.”
He swallowed hard. “Suddenly, she was gone. It was like I hit a concrete wall, and I was back to square one. Worse actually because her death and the horrible way she died could’ve been avoided. If only I’d fixed my bike the right way before I took her on it for a joyride, but I had blown it off. I had been in a rush. I hadn’t felt like it. Irresponsible. My fault.”
“It was partly your fault.”
His head whipped up, and he stared at me, his eyes piercing mine.
Had no one ever said that to him before?
“But it doesn’t matter how you punish yourself and everyone around you,” I said. “She isn’t coming back.”
“That’s right. In rehab, I finally realized that I’d never find her again, no matter how hard I tried. Dead is dead.”
“It certainly is,” I said.
“Last year, after the thing with Grace and leaving the club again, I finally stopped looking for Caitlyn, finally let her go. Holding on to her was killing me.”
Now, that was a confession.
“So, when I tell you that I don’t know what to do with these feelings now,” he said, “I mean, I don’t know.”
“You feel them, that’s what you do, and we explore it together.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t feel them.”
“But they’re there.”
“They’re there,” he rasped.
“You can’t destroy how you feel or will it away.”
“Tania, listen to me. I got my wife killed. I was fucking careless, reckless, and she paid the ultimate price. And now, Nina…” He wiped a hand across his forehead. “That girl almost got killed because of me. I used her to solidify a business deal and look what happened to her. Don’t you see? The only two old ladies I’ve ever had—both of them innocents—were put in danger because of me. But I’m still here, aren’t I? What the hell for? If you think all this hasn’t fucked with my head, you’re wrong. It has.”
“Nina is alive and so is her baby. And by the way, my brother is crazy about her. Do you think you’re not worth anyone’s effort?”
“I’m not worth the risk. The risk it would be to you.”
“I care about you, Butler. I—”
“That means a lot to me. It does.” His voice was a tortured whisper. “More than you realize, more than you’ll ever know.”
“I want to know,” I breathed. “Give us a chance to know. Please.”
He clenched his jaw, the muscle along the sides of his face ticking. “You see something in me you think is worth cleaning, polishing, making shiny. Worth preserving, like one of your antiques. I am an antique all right. Broken casing, rusty insides, faulty wiring.”
“Butler, you’ve faced your failures and your disappointments, picked yourself up and moved forward this past year. That’s not easy on a good day, even for us normal folk. But, for you, in your world, I’m sure you’ve got to keep your shit close to the chest, not let on about any signs of weakness or vulnerability. And you did it. That’s a huge accomplishment. You’re back here now, to a place that once rejected you. You’re back, you’re strong, and what’s more, you’re needed.”
He held my gaze, his brow rigid.
“All that for the betterment of your club, for your brothers, right?” I said.
He hopped down from the counter. “You deserve better than me, Tania, better than what I’ve got. Hell, I don’t even have much of anything.”
“I’m not asking you to give me anything. Only you.”
“That’s just it, don’t you see?”
My eyes bored into his. “I’m starting over from scratch here, too. And I’m far from perfect.”
“You’re perfect to me,” he breathed.
My chest caved in. “Butler—”
“You think that all you have to do is clean, buff, and polish me, put me on shelf with fancy lighting and, bam, that makes me special, too? Makes me worth the inflated asking price?”
“What price?”
“You just don’t get it, do you? You’re holding me up to your light. But I always fall through on inspection.”
I planted my hands on my hips. “What do you think you’re good for now? A few one-night stands whenever you get the itch? A fuck buddy? A whore here and there?”
“Sounds about right. I’m here on borrowed time, babe. Have no right to ask for more.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
He only turned away from me.
“I think a life like that would bore you shitless,” I continued. “I saw you with Nina all this time. Yeah, you were soaring on that high, weren’t you? Making do really suits you.”
“I don’t need much to get by. Hooking up with Nina as my old lady was a good solution. That’s what I’m good for.”
“I don’t believe that.” I took a step closer to him. “You need me. I know you do.”
My eyes sought his, but he lowered his eyelids.
“Butler—”
He lunged at me, grabbing my shoulders, squeezing tight. “Listen to me, and listen to me good. I’ve had to accept a lot of truths about myself since I stopped using, Tania. Ugly truths, all of ’em. You need to accept them, too. Every day, there’s a war going on in my mind. Part of me wants to use again; part of me doesn’t. The hunger, is still there. That urge hits me, and it can get overwhelming. It can last from fifteen minutes up to half an hour some days, but it always feels like a fucking eternity. I fight it. I fight it, and around and around, I go. That disappointment in myself is real. I feel it; it hurts, and it makes moving forward real difficult. Looking in the mirror is hard enough as it is, Tan.”
“I want to help you. Support you. I can do that. Let me do that.”
He shook me, his eyes blazing. “I assumed this was over for me!”
“What exactly?”
“Being with a woman.” He sucked in a breath. “I took my shots, baby, and they didn’t end well. Don’t you get that?”
“Things are different now. You’re different.”
“We’re different all right, always have been, you and me. We’re older now—”
“Screw all that. I have feelings for you, Butler. Big feelings. Good feelings.”
“You deserve the best, Tania.” His voice was rough, choppy. “That isn’t me.”
He let go of me and went into his small living room and grabbed a cigarette from the pack on his coffee table. He lit it and took a long drag, his eyes remaining on mine. “I don’t have nothing to my name, except for my bike and that snowmobile. I don’t have my own home or money saved in the bank. I blew whatever I had up my nose and keeping alive this past year.”
I held his simmering gaze across the apartment. “Whatever I had, I blew on getting my store together and buying inventory. We’re both starting fresh now, Butler.” I shrugged. “You’re not a lazy ass, and neither am I, so—”
His phone rang, and he frowned, grabbing it off the table. “Yeah?”
I folded over the damp kitchen towel yet again and wiped at the edge of the sink.
“When was this?” His voice was brittle. He was concerned, annoyed. He paced the room, a hand at his middle. “Do you know who it was? No, doesn’t look good. All right, yeah, I’ll keep my ears open.”
He tossed his phone on the sofa. “Shit.”
“Bad n
ews?” I asked.
“There was a fire last night at the Broken Blades’ junkyard down in Nebraska. Not too much damage, but it was set on purpose, and now, they’re out for blood.”
“Did the Jacks—sorry, shouldn’t be asking. They think it’s you all, right?”
“Yeah, us or the Flames. But we didn’t do it. The Blades are high on our suspect list for the bomb in Nina’s car.”
Banging on his front door made both our heads spin toward the sound.
He picked up his gun from the coffee table and headed for the door, the muscles along his jaw flexing again.
“Open up!” hollered a gruff voice from the other side of the door.
Butler shot me a look and gestured for me to stay in the kitchen. He raised his weapon, and as he looked through the peephole, his hand turned the lock with a bleak click.
A TALL, HEAVYSET MAN in worn biker leather with a thick dark mustache filled Butler’s doorway.
Butler lowered his weapon. “Come in.”
“Thought I’d see you at the hospital,” the man muttered, stepping inside.
“Been there the past two days and nights straight. Came home to get some sleep, something to eat,” replied Butler, glancing over at me. “This is Tania. Tania, this is Reich, Nina’s brother-in-law from Ohio.”
I moved into the living room. My eyes darted to the patches on his colors. National Vice President, Flames of Hell, and Ohio were stitched on his cut. My eyes darted to the patch with his road name, and a shiver laced my insides with ice.
Reich, as in Third Reich?
“Hello,” I said. “I spoke with Deanna on the phone the other day.”
“My old lady,” Reich said, his eyes scouring me like sandpaper on wood.
“You saw Nina?” I asked.
His lips twisted. “Course I did. Deanna’s still with her. I had to get outta there. Hate hospitals.”
“What’s going on?” Butler’s voice was low and steady.
Asphyxiation threatened me in Butler’s suddenly tiny apartment.
Reich threw himself onto the sofa, and Butler’s phone and the guitar thunked to the carpeted floor. Unfazed, Reich settled back, throwing his arms along the top of the couch.
“You tell me. Explain to me what the fuck is going on out here in this one-horse town? You were supposed to be looking out for her. What the hell? The device was planted in her car? Whose target was she, and why?”
I took a few steps back and bumped into the kitchen counter. I shouldn’t be here.
I didn’t want to be here.
“The Broken Blades in Nebraska got real unhappy with us working with the Flames of Hell and ripping up their Calderas Group deal,” said Butler. “We’re betting it’s them.”
“So, they targeted Nina to get to you? Nice.”
“We got a dead prez to show for it,” said Butler.
Reich only made a face. He didn’t give too much of a shit.
“Jump got Nina out of the way, you know,” I piped in. “Nina is alive now, thanks to Jump.”
Both men stared at me, as if they’d forgotten I was even there in the first place.
“Tania, you should go.” Butler’s voice was even, low.
“No, no, no,” said Reich, eyeing me up and down. “Why should she go? This your whore?”
“Hey!” My back shot up.
Butler raised his hand between me and Reich. “Tania’s a friend, a civilian. She’s a friend of some of the Jacks’ old ladies, and she’s a friend of mine from way back. She’s not—”
“Right. Yet she’s always at your side, ain’t she? That why Nina was crying so much?”
“She’s scared after what happened,” Butler said through gritted teeth.
Reich’s head dipped. “You were cheating on my girl, weren’t you? Dragged her out here to this hole in the middle of nowhere, full of promises and dreams, and then you dumped her and did your thing, right? I knew about you from the start, but I figured—she’s got a baby coming now!”
“That’s not how it is!” I blurted.
“Tania!” Butler snapped at me.
“Why don’t you tell me how it is, honey? You seem to know a helluva lot,” Reich said on a hiss, his eyes flashing.
“Nina’s the one who’s been cheating on him with another guy,” I said.
“What?” Reich’s face creased.
“Not only that, but she and your appointed bodyguard, Led, got to know each other real well on their cross-country joyride over here to South Dakota. Lots of joy. Plenty of joy.”
“Damn it, Tania.” Butler’s sharp tone cut me off.
My gaze landed on Butler. “Oh, come on! Reich’s defending her virtue here, so he should know the truth. I guess you’ve never seen your old lady’s selfie collection on her phone?”
Butler’s face was a tight mask.
Reich let out a deep chuckle. “The course of true love don’t run smooth now, does it?” He leaned forward, his hands clasped together. “What are you all doin’ about finding out who’s responsible for the attack?”
“We’re working on it. We just lost our president. Jump’s funeral was today.”
“Whose the new prez?”
“The vote’s next week,” replied Butler.
Reich’s head tilted. “They need to make finding the fucker responsible a priority. You all need to get cracking. And I need to take my girl home, where she’s safe.”
“She’s staying,” Butler said.
My eyes widened at the seething sound of his voice. At his pronouncement.
“Oh, yeah?” Reich smirked. He seemed downright amused. “Well, I’ll be in town a while longer to make sure she’s good.” He rose from the sofa, heaving a grunt. “I’ll let you two get back to your friendship now. I’ll be in touch. You can be sure of that.”
“Yeah, I’ll be waiting,” replied Butler.
The door slammed behind Reich.
I let out a heavy exhale.
“Jesus, Tania, you can’t shoot your mouth off like that.”
“Nina’s been fooling around behind your back from the get-go. What the hell? And, on top of it all, my brother actually likes her and wants her ass. What the fuck is going on with you men? Her snatch must be magic.”
Butler only lit another cigarette, inhaling deeply.
I grabbed my handbag and the empty tote and headed for the door. “You have a good afternoon. Don’t forget to eat the rest of the food in the fridge.”
He didn’t respond, his thumb twitched over the filter on his cigarette.
I swung the door open. “I’m off.”
I tromped down the staircase, each loud and heavy step I took feeding my exasperation.
Outside, in the warm heat of the afternoon sun, I headed for my car, which I’d parked down the block.
A tight grip on my upper arm jerked me back, and I gasped, landing in Reich’s stiff chest. His long mustache and harsh scruff, scraped against the side of my face.
“Tania, right?”
“What the—”
He leaned into me. Stale tobacco, old hair gel, and coffee breath assaulted my senses.
“Don’t yell, don’t make a fuss, and this will all go better. You’re coming with me.”
“No, I’m not!” I yanked against his hold.
“Feisty. Nice.” He pulled me away from my car.
His chin lifted, and one other big man from his club appeared before me on the street, his shadow falling on me and Reich.
I pushed back. “Why? Why me? I’ve got nothing to do with—”
“Quit shittin’ me already. You don’t come with me now, I’ll make sure lover boy in there pays for it. I got eyes on him.”
I jerked away from him once more, but he only shoved me into the bearlike claws of the heavyset Flame.
Reich took out his phone and tapped the screen. “Look out your window, fucker.” His voice snarled.
I followed Reich’s line of sight to Butler’s window on the second floor.
T
here he was.
His eyes widened, his mouth forming a, No, a large palm flat against the glass.
“Don’t do this, Reich. You’re gonna regret this,” roared Butler’s harsh voice over the speaker of Reich’s cell phone.
“You got that backward, asshole. This is the part where you regret what you’ve done to me, just like I promised you would. You know what I want. You’d better deliver. Me and your whore got all night.” Reich chuckled, shutting down his phone.
He turned on his heel, and I got pushed. We were off.
Adrenaline coursed through my veins with nowhere to go, choking me. My eyes darted to Butler’s window one last time.
He was gone.
THE RAW TERROR ON TANIA’S FACE tore through me, fisting in my lungs, throttling in my chest, where the familiar knot tightened and tightened.
One more on my watch.
I buckled to my knees, struggling for air. My heart hammered inside me, my pulse thrashed in my neck.
Focus. Do not fucking panic. Focus.
I reached out and gripped the edge of my coffee table and held on, concentrating on my fingers pressing into the wood, as the roar of bikes surged outside, blaring, receding.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I squeezed my eyes shut as air finally filled my lungs. I widened my eyes, and the warped wood trim on my front door came back into focus.
The door.
The shabby blue sofa.
My guitar.
I leaned back on my haunches and sucked in air slowly.
My phone rang. I reached for it, and losing my balance, I fell back on the floor.
“Shit.”
I licked my lips and took in a breath. I rolled over and stretched out my arm. My shaking, unsteady arm. The tips of my fingers flicked at the edges of my phone. Once, twice, three…motherfuck.
Got it.
Finger had called me.
Fuck you.
I tapped on Boner’s name. The ringer buzzed in my ear as I took in deeper gulps of air. My head swam, and I dragged a hand through my hair, my scalp prickling.
“Butler?”
“Got a problem,” I spit out. “Huge problem.”
