by A M Russell
Suddenly crashing backwards off the small chair; I tumbled over. Karis, Janey and Marcia were all around me. Janey seemed the calmest.
‘Jared…it’s alright. Just breathe… breathe slowly.’
I scrambled backwards away from the chair I had been sitting on. People in the pub were staring at me. I thought they were. They really were turning and staring at me; and at the tipped over chair.
‘I can’t… I can’t….’ I was trying to get a lung full of air and couldn’t. It was too warm in here.
I forced myself to my feet and pushed through them all into the men’s room. Fortunately, both the cubicles were free. I dived for the nearest one.
I felt like the whole world was trying to be puked out. I remembered our fall out of that gap in the Terrain vehicle; when I first knew Davey. I wasn’t good with things like that. Violette thinks it’s in my mind. But that doesn’t really help… I told her; that’s all very well but it ends up in my body. So tell me how to stop that happening! I feel it tumbling over and over. Thankfully no one comes in. I flush the loo, but stay there until the horrible feeling recedes. It was my own fault. I wasn’t listening. They did tell me. What had I done? Broken through? Just like Karis said; the rare thing that doesn’t normally happen. It’s like being the only person that you know who is allergic to something. Being sick is so embarrassing. I don’t think of the times as a child… but then I think that it started after that thing that happened when I was nearly eight….
Someone else comes in. I’ve got the door shut.
‘Jared?’
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s Janey.’
‘Okay…. Are they all finding it amusing?’
‘No.’ she says, ‘I just did the same thing.’
‘You did?’ I flush again, and open the door.
She is standing there with her cheeks unnaturally flushed and her mascara a bit smudged.
‘Were you sick?’
‘Nearly.’ she said
‘What is Karis playing at?’
‘She’s trying to help us.’ Janey got out a tissue.
I went to my sister and hugged her; ‘dear Angel, don’t be sad. Perhaps we need to face some training. What do you think?’
‘I think I’m putting smudges on your favourite shirt.’
‘That’s alright…. I’ve got three in that colour.’
She sobbed once and clung on to me; ‘I was always scared to find out. But now I’m scared not to. We need to train… and learn to control it.’
‘Yes.’ I said, ‘don’t cry Angel. Let’s go and tell Karis. We’ll arrange to go and see her.’
‘Yes…Yes. We must.’ She went to the sink and ran a little water in. she got a paper towel and dipped it in.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
‘Trying to achieve normality.’ She said.
‘Here… let me.’ I took another, dampened it and wiped the smudges away, ‘There. That’s better.’
‘You do still Love me then?’ she said. Her voice was like Janey Amber again. Science girl.
‘Always,’ I said, ‘You are the other half of me… I don’t think we were supposed to be two people. Just one. And something got split the wrong way.’
She laughed in spite of herself, ‘that’s not biologically logical. We’d have to be two girls or two boys for that to be true.’
‘Well then,’ I said, ‘You and I are one spirit divided into a boy and a girl. And we are each other’s subconscious.’
‘I like that.’ she said, ‘I’ll sleep and you can wake. And then we can be together in heaven, after everything.’
‘Yes… when there is no more confusion.’ I touched her cheek, ‘what should we say to Davey and Marcia?’
‘I think,’ said Janey, ‘we each need to love them and be with them. Violette is right. She knows what happens. We’ll not keep sane if we don’t find something good in others.’
‘Dad said that too.’
‘He did?’ she looks up at me.
‘He said to not to be afraid.’
‘It’s a fine balance.’
‘As long as they both understand it.’ I swept my hand over her hair, and bent to kiss her.
‘What are we?’ she asked me then.
‘I don’t know.’ I went to the sink and ran some water and splashed it over my face. I looked in the mirror and saw us reflected. There was a faint halo around Janey, which I could see. And this time it was not twisting and writhing, but softly glowing.
‘Mother knows,’ said Janey, ‘but she won’t say.’
‘It’s true.’ I turned round then, ‘just promise me one thing; That you will not leave us.’
‘As long as you will not leave us.’ she said. Her face had gone pale and her eyes seemed enormous.
‘Will you stay with Davey?’ I asked her.
‘Yes. I Love him, desperately.’ she said, ‘but I love you too. That force of nature… that burns. I must get Karis to help me control it.’
‘I had Sam suggest that I marry Marcia.' I felt strange to say it out loud, 'What do you think?’
I suddenly saw Janey light up inside, and change to the glowing smile that only was seen occasionally. She bounced up and down on her toes, and caught hold of my hand.
‘Oh Jared! I know that you should; all the time you talked about her to me, I mean, it’s obvious! And on the plus side she is the only person who accepts your crazy sister!’
‘Who? Oh.’ then I was puzzled, ‘I talked about her? You mean in Cloud Field?’
‘Yes. All the time.’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘I do.’ She looked away then, and said: ‘I think I feel better now. Clearer…’
‘Yes,’ readied myself to face my critical crowd. ‘At least you didn’t knock the chairs over.
‘I spilled cola over someone’s handbag.’ she laughed suddenly.
‘Let’s get out of here.’
We went out hand in hand.
David Morel was there looking contrite. Karis was stood near.
‘Come,’ said Karis, ‘sit down. Would you like to finish your drink?’
‘I think… yes. Not to waste a good black sheep eh?’
‘Are you alright now?’ asked Morel
‘I think yes…’
‘I should have realised. I’m sorry.’
‘You weren’t to know. This family makes a point of being the odd ones out about everything. It was like the only one who gets chicken pox in a group of kids…., or the one person to get a prize in the tombola at the village fair that really is something you can’t use. Typical Arden magic!’ I smile at him in that slight way, ‘you showed us something useful. Thank you.’
‘Right…well. That’s good.’ He said, ‘I can do other things in this area. But that is definitely for another day.’
Later at home, I sprawled in a comfy chair, with a pile of cushions. After the unexpected incident with me and Janey, Leo had been very decisive and herded everyone out. We went to the local fish shop. Saturday lunch time. We were eating open rather than wrapped. Morel offered to pay, but Leo just said 'It's fine.'
We had returned via the lower path that circled to the edge of the little woodland area, and the fields I played in as a child. Ten minutes ago we got in. I tipped my head back and back to see the room upside down. Comfy chairs were greater in number than the average family home. We had a lot of books too, in six-foot-high shelves. They were black and white art photos in picture frames against one feature wall that was a dark red; the rest was neutral, except the chairs. Deep colours. Comforting colours. A low table in the middle: on it a stack of coasters, candles in glass holders, and three puzzles - wooden mind-bending ones. I remembered the pleasure of Christmas as a little boy when I got a whole set of them all to myself. They were upstairs in my room carefully displayed. I knew each one, the wonderful feel of the wooden pieces as they slid through my fingers.
It was very quiet right now. Everyone else was either in the garden
, or in the kitchen. I never minded that feeling for being alone…. if I knew that people who cared about me were somewhere not far away. I wasn’t an especially clingy child…. not until that day….
After that I had deliberately set myself the task of being as disconnected as possible; a self-imposed exile to counter the humiliating feelings of fear and shame. I thought of myself as “not part of all that” … until today. Janey had to agree to train too. Then I would. And as for Marcia; I was working out in my head how I ought to propose to her. It sounds weird I know; but without Janey actually pushing me with such positive enthusiasm I would have frozen up about even thinking about it. How do women cope with waiting for the guy to get the idea he should say something first? Then again; (here I thought it through), perhaps Marcia had mentioned something along those lines to Sam… No, that wouldn’t be. Somehow, the impression I got was that they always seemed to know beforehand what was going to happen…. What if she doesn’t? What if she says no? I sat back up as someone came in the room. It was Leo, with two mugs of tea. He sat down and handed me one. We sat there, just sipping. My father and I had silences like these… moments calmly ticking past that would eventually surface with some congruent thought. But not today…
‘I think you should go back to London.’ He said. He regarded me seriously.
I wasn’t expecting him to say this. The obvious question was “Why?” but it hardly needed voicing as Leo often approached things in this way. Gave you the initial statement, let it sink in, and then qualified what he had just said.
'Son. I am concerned for you. I want you here. I just worry about you.' Leo looked at me over the rim of his tea mug. There was that totally unexpected thing: doubt. I really didn't know how to respond. But I certainly didn't want to go back just yet.
'I need your advice,' I said, 'On another thing.... it’s kind of personal. But I just want to know how to....' I trailed off and looked up at him.
Leo was very still, as if he was listening. 'I am really unqualified in that area.'
'But Mother...'
'About giving advice.' he said quickly, 'I am only an expert on Laura. Not anyone else. She is an advanced level Lady. Years of study to unravel the mysteries.' he grinned then, 'she's a patient woman. And one thing I do know... She is better at this than I am.'
'Mother is so.... Spirited. How did you start out?'
'You mean, Get Married?' Leo put the cup down, 'I guess you just have to do what feels, well.... right.'
'But when? I haven't anything to give her. I have a career that is totally unstable.' I was moaning now.
'You and me both,' said Leo, 'I nearly fell off a roof last week!'
‘You know what I mean Dad!’ I looked away.
‘Come now! Haven’t got anything to give? I think there’s something you’re not telling me.’
‘About what happened last autumn?’ I could hear my own voice getting lower and more growly. I was trying to find something else to say to be casual and dismissive, when Leo suddenly stood up.
‘Come with me.’ He said. I complied instantly. There was something in his tone that I recognised from long ago. Perhaps even last summer. He had talked a little then…about my plans. But it was lost in the drift of memory. Last summer, and ten years ago. I felt then, all of a sudden that he really knew. And what had happened, he was in some ways aware of. I felt almost embarrassed to admit that I had grown in to a man. I had lived such a life, for all that time. And yet hardly any time had passed here….
We were in the back parts of the house. Leo came to a little door, and unlocked it with a key he produced from somewhere. He held out his hand to me.
‘This will be a little strange…. please don’t feel I’m trying to confuse you. You need to know, something of what I know.’
‘I put my hand into his. And he pushed open the door. I had never been in here. And had perhaps thought it was just a cupboard. But no. there was something else there was well. We moved slowly but smoothly over the threshold in to a little space that was slightly dusty. The floor was well trod though. I felt a faint tingle over my whole body as we passed inside. Leo reached back with one hand, and pushed the door shut behind him. He seemed even taller than normal, and had stooped to get in under the lintel.
I was dark in there, a small window high up admitted some light. But there was also a faint light coming from somewhere else. For some reason I edged closer to him.
‘I must show you something now Jared, that may seem alarming, perhaps impossible would be better word.' he looked down at me. My father; this strange giant of a man, who I had adored as long as I could remember. In my imagination, he had battled dragons and monsters. I was stripped of any pretension of mature adulthood in those next few minutes. Only the things that were really true about me remained.
And the things that shone the most brightly and glowed in my mind were my friends: Marcia, Davey, Oliver, Janey Amber, Jules (the best of the science guys), Adam, Joe, James, Nikolas (a real eye for a picture) and lastly young Peter who had struggled so much with the physical demands of our adventures on the ice field.... but always made me smile. If I had ever been a good leader (as both Davey and Marcia had told me), it was because of the people in the team. Loyalty and even Love like that was something I had not found before.... And Aiden had taught me something too. You can only be human if you care about something beyond yourself. And now I had started to really care about something. I would never have dared face Hanson; my pitiful ex-friend, if I had not had Aiden and Ellen, and all the others behind me.
I saw another door open. At first I could not make out the place or the shapes that refused to resolve themselves into anything I recognised. We stepped forward. I felt a very strong pulse of energy, and I lost my footing. Leo pulled me to my feet. What I saw astonished me. And yet…. somehow, I remembered something deep in the well of memory.
There was my parents’ house….and yet it wasn’t. yet, and yet it was; somehow brighter; bigger….as if more real. Slowly stepping down that hallway towards the room with all the seating. We walk gently, slowly. The air felt different. As if it was perfumed; and yet I couldn’t smell anything. Or perhaps I could. There… the room opened out. An I fell to my knees. Someone stood near the fireplace. And I knew them; yes, I did. So long ago. And I felt so small; just like I had then. She turned. I was afraid. Leo was kneeling now, his arm around me. The room seemed so bright.
‘Jay? Is it too soon?’ Leo said urgently, ‘We can go back.’
‘I don’t know….’ I was shrinking inside; falling faster downwards.
‘We’ll go back!’ Leo tried to pull me upwards, but I resisted.
‘I’m sorry…. father.’ I couldn’t help it. It was like before. The first image came to me almost unbidden; key and lock. They shattered apart. I looked up. She was standing there above me. The lady in grey. But it was more like silver. The second shattered apart; and quickly the third. Little colours shimmered on her long dress. She was very pretty, but had a serious face. She knelt down in front of me.
‘I brought him too soon.’ said Leo.
‘Perhaps, but find the others, quickly!’
‘I want to stay.’ Leo was hugging me tightly.
‘Do as I say. And we can help him this time.’ She said calmly.
And then for the first time in this strange alternate version of my parents’ house, I was alone with a stranger.
‘Jay…Jay; listen to me.’ She spoke swiftly and leaned closer, ‘I can help you to adjust. But you must let go of the chains first.’
‘Why did Leo bring me here?’ I said, and then gasped. Pain in my head; growing and spreading.
‘Let go of all the hedge keys.’ She said, ‘and then you can find control.’
‘If they all unlock I will have no control…. I can’t do it.’
‘Yes, you can. Jay…please. You need to let them go. The tension between you and them in too much. You must be free of this. Is won’t do you any good.’
‘Why a
re you calling me that?’ I looked at her. She was sweet and lovely as summer and evening stillness.
‘It is your true name. you have always been this. Don’t you remember?’
‘No, Lady. What is you name.’ Then I cried out in pain. I heard voices. And suddenly the room seemed full of people.
‘Please…. let it go. Please’ she begging me.
‘I mustn’t. I can’t.’ I was breathing faster now, and I felt dizzy. ‘I can’t do this. I’m trying to. It’s jammed. It won’t open!’
She swiftly stood: ‘Call Silver. Call Bonnie!’
There was darkness at the edges of my vision. And then I felt tow people lift me. I must have fainted or something. Because then I was in a chair. I big man, with very deep blue eyes and shimmering whiteness, held my head up. He was very calm, and very still. I trembled and shivered horribly.
‘Jared…. you have been like this along time. It will only get worse. You must let me destroy these symbols. They cannot lock you away for any longer without damage. Do you understand?’
‘Yes……yes, I, understand.’ I could barely speak. I was shivering so much.
He touched my chest with his left hand, and touched my face and forehead with his fingertips. I stopped shaking. I could see number four. It fell apart easily. Then number five. Then six just dissolved. I started to get agitated again. I only had four left.
‘Child. This burden will crush you,’ said the strange man, ‘let me into you mind; and clean this out.’
‘I want to die…’ the pain was so bad now that I thought I was hallucinating. There were three little goblin-like creatures sitting on the chair opposite. I watched them, but they didn’t seem to notice me. At that moment the seventh broke apart. The air was filled with ribbons of light. I realised they were coming from me. All sorts of colours. I suddenly longed to know this strange man; to hear his inner voice. He was like…. His hair was silver…. Really silver, like metal; but with a living sheen. All sorts of lights were reflected there. The coloured ribbons of light danced in reflections across his hair. There was a scent of lemons and something else. Sort of rich and honeyed. I saw also some twisting shapes that looked like willowy trees dance around the edges of the room.
