by A M Russell
‘Hanson? Yes. He is…. Well, we can talk later about him…’
‘You need a drink old friend.’ Aiden was serious now, ‘I think there is going to be a lot of shocked people to calm when we tell you what we have actually found. I’ll go to Ellen, and then we’ll all talk.’ He quickly ran up the slope towards the first smaller tent. There seemed an urgency there that I had not seen in Aiden in the past. I turned and watched Janey. Jules was checking some reading from the pad she was making notes on. He looked over his glasses at me like some schoolteacher.
‘Do you want to stay here for a few minutes Jared?’ he took his glasses off and blinked in that cat like way.
‘I’ll have a look. Is that ok?’
‘you take your time,’ Jules came near to me and then whispered, ‘just be careful Captain. This is one we haven’t any real handle on yet.’ He quickly disappeared up the slope before I had chance to wonder why he was addressing me as if we were still in the ice fields. I felt odd, but good in a way. Jules was happier than he had been of late. His eyes we telling me that there were layers of secrets spinning in this place. Not everyone had access to the same information. Perhaps a plan was being formulated to travel through this door way.
I turned then to see Janey gesticulating with her hands, while explaining something to Leo. At that moment I could feel my heart contract as it often did when I saw her like this. There was Janey from the science team… Ms Amber. The one I had loved; now, with a broken innocence. She and I were the victims of the cruellest trick of all. I once read in the newspaper of a brother and sister who had been separated because of the adoption system at the time….and had later (quite unknowingly) met each other and fallen in love. They had not known….no one else had known. And they had married without ever having any one raise an objection. What cruel twist of fate had brought the truth to light for them? Was it some self-righteous and malicious person, who had decided that whatever happiness they had managed to find in this brief painful journey of life, should be swept away from them because of their genetics? The ancient Egyptians had a different view. But they all were quite mad eventually, weren’t they? I felt like crying. She was my first true love. And I know that we were siblings now; I still loved her. I would love her more for being my best ally and confidant. For encouraging me, and saving me from driving the knife into my own heart on the edge of all that is. She was my angel. She is my angel. And perhaps she dreams when I wake. Janey is smiling at me now. I realise she and Leo are both staring at me. What was visible in my mind’s eye a few moments before…. I’m not sure? I feel crumpled and old. But I go forwards to see more of this curious doorway…or fold in space-time.
And there it is…. like a still window in the middle of a storm cycle the surface like water on a pond, undulating with the slightest of slight ripples. There is no colour, for it is transparent and the rocks and grass are visible behind it; except there is the occasional flicker of colour in the light as of the surface of a soap bubble. It is like bubbles from one of those children’s toys, where you blow through a little plastic hoop. A slight simmer distorted the surface then and I see the background move like heat haze. The edges of this globelike glass window in space swirl with more movement of opalescent purples that in ripples and swirls obscure but do not completely erase the background behind the space.
I cannot speak. I cannot think. I cannot find anything to describe the attraction forward into myself of the desire that grips my heart and mind. I suddenly don’t care if it’s been put there by the Bank Collective. I want to be seduced by the light at its centre, and the stillness in its soul. I want to step through.
I find myself stood leaning forward; Leo is holding my arms from behind. I had stepped towards this doorway and was pressing against the tapes. He doesn’t pull me back. He just stands unmoveable until I stop trying to walk forward. I blink a couple of times. Janey taps the back of my hand with the biro she is holding. This seems to break the spell. I take a step back. Leo lets go of one arm. I breathe slowly, feeling that energy burning at the edge of my mind.
‘George is coming.’ Janey says, ‘we can go back up to the tent.’
I sat down on a camping chair while they all listen to Jules and Janey explain what has been happening. Kyle and Sam dispense Tea and biscuits. I wonder if George is alright. But we have some other people here who I don’t recognise. They are either military or something secret and hush-hush. Leo nods to one of them. I relax slightly. I try to follow what is being said. Most of it seems obvious to me. I suppose I’m being annoying. Ellen is watching me. I don’t respond when Jules asks if there are any questions.
‘Jared?’
‘What?’
‘Anything you wish to say?’
‘Where’s Davey?’ I asked them.
Jules frowns, as if he just completed an equation in his head, ‘He’s in the cooking area. We have one of Dieter’s people here. Their cook, I think there are eggs involved somewhere.’
‘Lunch is at one.’ Janey says in her loud, I’m-in-charge voice. I shrink into the chair even more. This is one of those days where nothing will convince me that things are going to get any better than they have already. The best bit has happened, and I’m waiting to go home. I want to smoke now. I get up and stumble out without looking at anyone.
A few minutes later, I’m found by Dieter. He’s not someone you would ever disagree with if you want to keep both arms attached to your body. He has a Nordic solidity with fine blond hair and very pale eyes. He was the one who has backed Aiden and George and all the good guys. He doesn’t say a lot. He just makes his presence felt. If he was a Viking warrior he’d be the champion of champions, and would carry an enormous axe. He just stares at me until I’m forced to return his gaze.
‘I suppose I shouldn’t wander off.’ I say lightly.
‘No,’ he says in a low voice, then ‘Yes.’ Higher and lighter and shrugs dismissive of everything and everyone else.
‘Why do you get involved with all this?’ I ask him.
‘It is not the question you want to answer.’ he said.
‘You’re right…. it’s not.’ I light a sobrane and take in that familiar deep taste and roll out that cloud of fragrant leaf that everyone remembers me for.
‘You smoke too much.’ Dieter says, and then adds: ‘I know who wants to get their hands on you. And this is not going to help you.’
‘Rimmington.’
‘No.’
‘No?’
‘August…. Charles…. he murdered someone and got away with it.’
‘I’ve heard that name before!’ I am now paying attention.
‘Yes. But don’t rely on your sources. There is a lot of misinformation flying around.’
‘How?’
‘Look inside you own family. See for yourself.’
‘You mean Janey?’
‘Your little sister?’ Dieter looks back towards the tent, ‘No. she is not the one. You are more in danger from someone closer than that.’
‘Who? Tell me.’
‘I will only tell you when you are about to go today. Then you will have to think about what you are going to say…’
‘Or do.’ I add.
‘I would not consider doing anything.’
‘Oh?’
‘You need to be wise Jared.’
‘I’m not though.’
‘Ah! They said you are stubborn, and unwilling to take direction. I watch all your backs now.’
‘What is going on Dieter?!’ I asked suddenly impassioned, my nerve is breaking and I want to run back home to the house.
‘There is only one experiment. There is only one. Do you understand?’
‘I think so.’ I said, as Dieter stands impassively regarding the afternoon scene and the slightly damp rocks on the little path near our feet.
‘You wish to ask something?’ Dieter faces me.
‘Yes.’ I say, ‘there is something. Am I alive at the end of the experiment?’
�
��I think……Yes.’ Dieter’s expression barely flickers. But the voice is full and expressive. He is an excellent poker player; because of the unreadability of this face.
‘Where will tell me?’
‘The map tent.’
‘I’ll be there before we go back.’
I lurk near the small table. Janey and Davey are standing a little way from me. They are laughing and in good spirits. I haven’t seen Marcia for the last twenty minutes and it’s beginning to distress me. She’s has been having what I would regard as an extended conference with Ellen Lee. Aiden comes into the map tent then and puts a box down.
‘Samples?’ I asked.
‘No. supplies. Do want more coffee?’
‘Not until I’m in a safe environment. Is anyone here at night?’
‘No.’ Aiden Looks worried, ‘We need to close it off pretty soon.’
‘Shut the door?’
‘Yes. It’s really quite simple.’
‘To do that?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can it be opened again?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Aren’t you a little suspicious of how they work?’
‘The doors?’
‘Yes.’
‘I know what you want Jared. And I don’t think it’s a good idea.’
‘How can you possibly know what I want?’ I shift my weight from one foot to the other and back again.
Aiden smiles and hands me a small envelope, ‘Do you think I don’t know you; old friend?’ he indicates the envelope, ‘You should look at these. Taken yesterday. There is a fluctuation in the field. It seems to happen every third day.’
‘I guess today isn’t it?’
‘Of course not. Do you think I’d let you anywhere near it, if that was happening?’
‘You do know me then.’ I faced him and pulled the pictures out he had just given me. They were well composed; Jules must have taken them. There was a sense of precision. The colour was well balanced and the patterns and bands of colour were strong and implied an animation of the door way that was more intense than the state of the anomaly as I had already seen it.
‘You are showing me this because….?’
‘I want you to give me your professional opinion.’
‘About these?’
‘Well…. we did go through a doorway before. Is it of the same kind?’
He must have seen the confusion in my face. I hastily put the prints back into the envelope.
‘You don’t remember?’ Aiden seems surprized. Perhaps even shocked. I shake my head.
‘I thought…. I’m having a difficult time…. I was alone, wasn’t I?’
‘When you first arrived in Sandglass? Yes.’
I put my hand to my fore head. Clammy. There is something wrong. I want to go back to my parents’ house.
‘I’ll just….’ I point to the door.
‘Get some air.’ Aiden seems to know what is happening now.
I walk back down the slope. The light is going. I can’t remember. I want to see what I was. What I did. I’m grabbing at the edges of my own identity. I don’t know what I can do to bring back what has been lost. You are lying to yourself, if you think that you can retain everything you are, when you don’t remember. But then…. perhaps I have it all backwards. There is an idea trickling; I want to hold it back. Denial. I know why we are in this mess. I suddenly don’t want to remember. Because then I think that perhaps it is me…. that traitor in our midst. If it wasn’t Janey; then it has to be me. That is why they wanted to kill me. That is why I was dying in a hospital. That other version with a thin layer of reality between. I was rinsed clean. Tumbled dried of all the information. Bu there is one think that I am sure I didn’t tell. Because even I am not sure if it is true. About my mother. She is carrying a secret that I have long suspected.
I reach the tapes. The light is going. I felt an ache. The tattoo. I push my sleeve up. What does this mean? The earth cries to me…. I press my right toe into the earth. Reddish and damp. I want to go past the tapes. I want to touch the edge of this thing. Am I the reason all this is happening? Or is this just ego? August Charles…. that name. I know it. Hanson named him. The list of the “Circle of Five”. But is it true? I know that Andrew Hanson believes it to be true. But has he been duped into telling me this, so that I get misinformation and follow it through mistakenly. I need a good detective. With a sudden start of shock, I remember Morel. The detective. Perhaps that is why he is here. Karis is the only person I can actually trust. I need to trust her now. I need to believe that this nightmare will end. Is Dieter right? There is only one experiment. Why am I in it?
There is a slight sound. The light is going. But it is just the wind in the trees. I must have been here for at least twenty minutes. No one has come looking for me yet. I wonder why.
Slowly I kneel down onto the red earth. Something is puzzling me. Why here? It makes no sense at all. You would hide something like this. Behind a rock. into a place out of sight. This is exposed. It is like a stage set. But then again. Maybe it is here because it is the only place that it would work. The earth has a lot of iron in it. There is a magnetic field. I realise I can feel the pulse of the doorway, like the beating of a giant heart. it is as if it is alive. What am I to do? I press my hand into the soft pliant mud. There is an impression. A sensual thing…. like the touch of a loved one. A place and a calmness. I look up and see the vibration of the anomaly slow and still and then stop completely. It doesn’t move. A fragile glass sculpture; Or an ice carving in this forest glade. I can see something else. Beneath the globe of the glassy heart, there are foot prints. There appear to be at least three pairs of impression in the mud. The one I notice the most clearly appears to be a woman’s boot. There are two others that overlap. Size twelve’s and indeterminate one that could be of either sex. Perhaps a dress shoe?
I dip under the tapes and step forward. I take one step and another. The light is going now. And it seems that this door way is quiescent and unresponsive. I reach out with my fingertips. I want to touch the edge of this this. The impression I am getting is of something cool, but with flashes of warmth. Grass…. burned or heated by the sun. And coolness. Shady plants perhaps; or cool caves?
My hands touch this glass. It is smooth like a wonderful giant pebble. And little rainbow lights of transparencies shimmer in the half light. I feel quite peaceful. I want to drive deeper in. there is an inner euphoric edge to the sensation being passed through my fingers. I run my hands over it. There is a coolness flowing down my arms. As if water is flowing into my mind. Still water. I can hear the sound of bird song. My breath is shallower and swifter. I want to go. I want to take that journey. I dream of that place in my secret heart. |I told no one. Not even Marcia. After the waterfall. I was waiting by those cliffs and then there was the path through. And there was a path open to the other side. Yet from a distance I thought someone was coming towards me. I thought they wanted me to walk back. But they stayed at a distance in my vision. But then another spoke to me. She was tall and sad. But perhaps it was how I was feeling. I told her I wanted to die. But she said that my time had not yet run. And that I had something I must do first. How do we know what we feel? I thought I was already done for. And it would be easier to slip away, that wait to choke to the last breath as my body betrayed me and started to shut down. Yet here I was. I had not admitted it to anyone. Not even Violette. If I said I was suicidal she would have treated me quite differently. And I thought that these were fair reactions considering the circumstances at the time. What I didn’t expect was that seduction of death. That attraction of the mortal end. I hadn’t counted on this strange desire to follow me back here. I felt quite calm. And it was like a relief to admit it. If only to myself. Just because I choose to not do; Did not mean that I did not want to. Nothing messy, nothing offensive. Before it was just letting go. It was my wandering spirit that had walked the ice fields. Now…. I was back to full capacity. Perhaps almost full…. And still
it deepened a track inside my soul. I didn’t think of right and wrong. Or of modern conclusions about a person’s psychology. I just knew I was an anomaly all of my own. A paradox. And striving with myself; for here the question had no meaning. It felt so beautiful. There was the silver of my flowers. That rainbow of silvery light. I could only live in that world again if I painted the places I had seen. Flowers of otherworldly origin. I bowed my head down and cried. Because I was not allowed to let go any more. And strangely because the self that desired life was burning with new things that wanted to be embraced in the morning light. Marcia of course. As well as painting…. but that was always ambivalent. I was choosing life. I choose it not because I had lost my capacity to desire the beyond; but because I had the freedom, of this place. Its peace…. to give me a space to decide. Not for you to say…. Not for you to decide. I was choosing freely….to live. I put my hands over my face smelling the earth. It was fragrant and intoxicating. I wanted to drink in that scent forever. I wanted to go to the world on the other side of the curtain. I was aching to go and see….
‘Jared!’
I jolted with shock at another human voice. I didn’t look to see who had spoken. I wasn’t angry. Not really. Because the area had been fenced off with those inadequate pieces of tape. And I transgressed the boundaries to learn something. I wasn’t wrong but someone else may be having a different opinion now.
I realise how weird it might seem to someone else. But then in the next second I didn’t care. I would stay here until I was removed. I waited and felt the silence beat in again. Whoever it was had disappeared back up the path. Perhaps to fetch someone else.
A moment or two later, they came back. I sensed that there were several people. They were cautious. Even the official guards didn’t say anything. I could sense their retrained aggression though. I saw Marcia standing opposite me. I saw her through the glass of the bubbles surface. I could not read her expression. Behind me was another person. I heard them breathing. There were others. But I didn’t care to see and shut my eyes. The scent of earth.
