Peterson opened the door for us. Jason wiped at his face and sat up. If hed been a woman he would have asked if it looked like hed been crying, but he was a man, and he didnt ask. We got out, hand in hand again. Theyd taken us around to the parking garage again. I hadnt even noticed. The world had narrowed down to the man in my lap and his grief.
Peterson led us up the back stairs, which meant there was probably some real Summerland newsworthy event in the lobby. Fine with me; Id had enough circus for a while. I was ready for some bread.
Peterson and the suit waited for me to open the door with the little key card. They waited until we were inside the room. I half-expected them to check that the room was safe, but they resisted the urge. Bully for them.
Thanks, I said.
Peterson handed me a business card. If you have any more incidents with the press, call. Its going to be a mess here this week. Its very unfortunate that your friend and his father are going to be caught up in it. The governor is very serious about helping keep you out of the limelight.
I appreciate the effort, Mr. Peterson.
My job, Ms. Blake.
I nodded. Good night.
Good night.
I closed the door, locked it, and put on the flip-bar door lock at the top. I always locked up tight. Yeah, most of the things I hunted could bust through a door without a problem, but you never knew, some bad guys were only human.
I didnt expect bad guys tonight, but then I hadnt expected to need the gun today either. Id brought it anyway.
Jason had gone for the bathroom and closed the door. I heard water running. I almost left him alone, but I was starving. I knocked on the door.
The water stopped. Yes.
I want to order some room service, what do you want?
Im not hungry.
You have to eat, Jason. It wasnt just normal have to eat. Wereanimals all had better control of their beast if their bellies were full. One hunger feeds the other, and one emptiness calls another.
Nothing is going to sound good to me, Anita.
I know. I leaned my forehead against the door. Im sorry, Jason.
I heard him at the door, and moved away enough for him to open it without bumping me. What are you sorry about?
That your dad was so awful, I guess.
He gave a smile that was so bitter it hurt my heart to see it. Hes been awful to me my whole life. I guess I thought, hes dying, well have that Hallmark moment, but its not going to happen, is it?
I didnt know what to say, except, I dont think so.
He liked you, though. That surprised me.
Why?
He likes Mom all soft and yes, dear. He likes Roberta best of the girls because she always agrees with him. But he liked that you stood up to him.
I shrugged. My peculiar charm, I guess.
He smiled at me. Is that what theyre calling it these days? He walked past me into the room.
I frowned at his back. Whats that supposed to mean?
It means he touched your scars.
A lot of people are fascinated by them.
No, they arent. They ignore them and pretend they arent there. Or they stare, but dont want to. Your scars embarrass people, make them uncomfortable.
I try to ignore it all, I said.
Yeah, but theyre your scars, so it bothers you. I get to just watch peoples reactions. He took off his tie and threw it on the floor.
I shrugged. I didnt know you were that interested in how people reacted to my scars.
He smiled at me as he took off his jacket. I like people-watching, you know that.
All wereanimals do; Ive always thought it was the same way a lion watches a herd of gazelles. You know, looking for the weakest link.
He shook his head and started unbuttoning his shirt. Ive always liked watching people, but then once I thought Id be an actor. We collect mannerisms the way other people collect stamps.
I thought about it. I guess that makes sense.
You took your high heels off the moment we came through the door last time. Get comfortable.
It seemed like days ago that wed first been in the room. I was drained from all the family shit that Id witnessed. Jason seemed okay, as if the crying in the car hadnt happened at all. He was a little hollow around the eyes, but other than that he seemed back to his usual self. I knew it was a lie, it had to be. Which made me wonder how often Jason hid his emotional turmoil back in St. Louis. If he was this good at it, he could be hiding how he truly felt all the time.
What? he asked. His shirt was open down the front, with only the French cuffs with their gold cuff links left to unfasten.
Im just wondering how often you do this in St. Louis.
Do what? he asked.
Pretend everything is fine when inside its not.
His blue eyes hardened, and some of the strain showed in his face, but only for an instant. Then he smiled at me, and it filled his face up all the way to his eyes.
Ill eat if you make me. He moved close to me. And just like that, I wanted to move back from him. He hadnt done a thing, really. His expression was still pleasant. But there was a promise in the way he just stood there that made me uncomfortable.
Ill eat because youre right, he said. I dont need to be hungry when Im under this muchhe touched my facestress.
That one play of fingertips made me shiver. I closed my eyes, not sure whether I was closing them to keep the sensation closer, or so I couldnt see his face. His eyes werent smiling now. They held something too grown-up, too real, toouncomfortable.
His hand slid along the curve of my jaw, to cradle my face. He kissed me, and with me in the heels I was a little taller. It felt different enough that it made me open my eyes. I was suddenly staring into his eyes from inches away.
You look startled, he said, voice soft.
I had to swallow before I could say in a voice that was oddly breathy, I guess I am.
Why? Weve kissed before.
I stared down into his face. I couldnt put it into words, butI licked my suddenly dry lips and whispered, I dont know.
You look almostscared, he said, and he was almost whispering, too.
I stepped away from him, far enough that he couldnt touch me. That was better.
He put his head to one side and looked at me. Youre nervous, he said, and he sounded surprised.
I walked to the little sitting area to the side of the room, with its chair and ottoman. I sat down and didnt look at him as I took off my shoes and set them beside the chair.
Talk to me, Anita, he said.
Lets order food, I said.
He came and knelt in front of me. His shirt was still held in place by only the French cuffs. The shirt spread around the smooth expanse of his chest, the muscles of his stomach bunching as he knelt.
I looked away again and started to get up. He put his hand on my wrist. My pulse sped under his touch. I stood up and was caught between Jason and the ottoman. I started to fall backward. He moved in one of those incredible too-fast-to-see moves. He was just suddenly standing, holding my wrists, pulling me forward. I ended up falling into his body, and he caught me around the waist. We were the same height again without the heels.
I was left staring into his face; the eye contact was so intimate, too intimate. I pushed at him, almost fought to get away.
He let me go, but said, Whats wrong?
I opened my mouth, shut it, took a deep shaking breath, another, and finally said, Im not sure.
Liar, he said.
I frowned at him. Im not lying.
Normally, I cant tell when youre lying. You dont even smell like youre lying, but your pulse sped, and your eyes showed it. Whats wrong, Anita, please, talk to me.
Lets order food first, and then while we wait Ill try to explain.
You want the time to organize your thoughts. He made it a statement.
Yeah, I said.
He nodded. Okay, lets find the room service menu. His face was careful, closed down. He did not need
me to go all weird on him now. I was supposed to be his refuge while we were here, and I was blowing it.
He went to the desk at the side of the room and found the menu on top of it. He opened it without looking at me again. But he was too good a friend for me not to see how he was holding his shoulders. The line of his body told me he was unhappy. Shit.
I knew what was wrongmy own weird internal argument with myself about sex. Nathaniel helped ease me through it, as did Micah, and Jean-Claude. Even Jason himself had helped me deal with some of my issues about Nathaniel when I was still trying not to be his lover. But though Jason could help talk me through issues with other men in my life, Jason had never tried to talk me through issues about him. I hadnt known I had any issues about Jason. But I had one.
I loved Jason. In that friend way, yes, but he lived on that emotional edge for me. That edge that felt familiar. The edge that Nathaniel had lived on for a while. That edge that Asher had lived on. I had other men who were more frequently in my bed, but none of them were as close to that emotional moment. Love, whether its friendship or more, is like a cup. It fills up drop by drop, until one last drop and the cup is full. The liquid hangs there almost above the rim, hangs there on the surface tension alone, and you can feel that one more drop and it will spill over. Once, I hadnt been aware of the process, but Id had it happen too many times now. I couldnt afford another spill. I couldnt afford another man in my life, not like that.
Could I just not tell the difference? Was that it? Was I so confused about sex and love that without Nathaniel or someone else I couldnt tell the difference between wanting a man for lust, and wanting him for love? Maybe, maybe. God help me, I didnt know.
I know what Im getting, Jason said. He offered me the menu. I took it, trying not to look at him. Trying not to let him read whatever was in my eyes.
He knew what he wanted. I wish to hell I did.
19
J ASON CALLED THE food orders down: grilled chicken Caesar for him and grilled chicken sandwich for me. He had to argue with them to make sure they didnt put some weird cheese or sauce on my sandwich. Who the hell puts blue cheese on chicken? He sat down on the bed, finally undoing the cuff links and taking off his shirt. He followed with his socks and walked around barefoot for a few moments before he bounced down on the bed and said, Now, talk to me.
I got up, walked to the closet, and put my jacket on a hanger, while I tried to figure out how to start. Ive never had sex with you when we were alone, except when I had to feed the ardeur.
Okay, I guess thats true.
I turned and looked at him. He was lounging on the bed, propped up on one elbow. I admitted to myself he looked pretty cute lying there. I didnt want to admit it.
Get a grip, Anita, I thought. I made myself walk to the bed and sit on the corner so I could undo the stockings. I had to lift the skirt to get to them, and that, too, felt too intimate. My fingers felt clumsy as I tried to undo the garters.
Leave the hose, he said.
I looked at him, and I dont know what look was on my face, but whatever it was it made him slip off the bed and come to me on his knees. Anita, whats wrong? God, you look like Im going to attack you or something. You cant be afraid of me. Its Jason, just Jason.
I stopped fiddling with the garters, and tried for truth. It had always been truth between Jason and me. It was one of the reasons we were friends.
Im afraid of how I feel about you.
He gave me a look I couldnt read, and leaned back on his knees again, with them too wide, so his stomach muscles bunched again. I realized it was a position he used a lot on stage. It was either comfortable, or habit.
I dont know what youre trying to say, Anita. Normally, Id be the first one not to push, but Im a little stressed tonight. Just talk to me.
Im embarrassed that I want you, just want you. Not because of the ardeur, or any metaphysical thing, but just because you are Jason. I like you.
I like you, too, he said. He looked at me, sort of perplexed. But you feel bad that you want me, not because of the ardeur, but just because.
I nodded.
He smiled and took my hand, gently, in his. That you could still feel this nervous around me is sweet, Anita. Really, it is. He took my hands in both of his. But I need you to work through whatever issue this is. Well eat, but then I need closeness. I need you to help me drown out this day. Do you understand?
I did, actually. Sex is almost the only time that I relax completely. Nathaniel jokes that its my only hobby.
Jason grinned, and raised my hands up to kiss them. Its one of my favorite things to do, too.
I started to blush and tried to catch it, knowing I couldnt. I dont mean it like that.
He kissed me on the nose. You are so cute.
I pushed him away and stood up. I am not cute.
He lay on the bed on his stomach, gazing up at me, still grinning. You are cute, beautiful, but cute when you get like this.
Get like what?
Try to complicate your life.
Whats that supposed to mean?
Youre feeling all squidgy about wanting to have sex with me, right?
Something like that.
You have permission from every man in your life to be here with me. They all knew wed be fucking like bunnies if I had anything to do with it. So you cant be feeling guilty because youre cheating. Cheating implies lack of knowledge. Heck, one of your live-in sweeties volunteered you for this trip.
I crossed my arms under my breasts, and knew I was pouting but couldnt stop it. Thats sort of bugging me now, too.
Why?
I shrugged, arms still crossed. Its not just the sex.
What is it then? Tell me.
Im afraid that the way I feel for you will change.
That you wont like me anymore?
No, that Ill like you too much.
He rolled off the bed and stood in front of me. Anita, are you saying that youre afraid youll fall in love with me?
I shrugged, and didnt meet his eyes.
He touched my arms, peered under my gaze, so I had to look up and into his face. His face was a little surprised, and a little almost sad. It wasnt the look I expected. If I really thought that was possible, Id be the happiest guy in town, but you are doing what you always do. You want me for sex, and as a friend, but you want sex and Im here. But that makes you feel guilty for some reason, so youre starting to try to convince yourself that its more than just friendship.
How can you be so sure?
Because you do not watch me in a room the way you watch Jean-Claude, or Asher, or Nathaniel, or Micah, or Richard. Im a little ahead of Requiem and London, and Damian, but Im not ahead of the others. You see me now, your body reacts to me, and that is wonderful. I cant tell you how I hated being the invisible boy around you.
I saw you, I said.
You saw me, but you didnt see me.
I started to move away, but his hands tightened on my arms. Jason, Im not sure I know the difference between loving someone and just lusting after him.
A lot of people get that one confused, but honestly, Anita. If Nathaniel were here and it were a choice, youd drop me in a hot second, wouldnt you?
I wouldnt have to, he likes sharing.
Jason grinned. He does that, but if Micah were here youd choose him over me. My ego hates it, but its true.
Micah shares pretty well, too.
He shares you with Nathaniel, and Jean-Claude, and sometimes Asher, but he doesnt share you with me.
I thought about that. I guess its never come up.
Micah shares you, but he doesnt enjoy sharing you the way Nathaniel does. My best friend likes watching you with other men. I dont think the same is entirely true of Micah.
I thought about it, and said, Im not sure what Micah thinks about the sharing. Hes cool with it, but youre probably right. He doesnt prefer it.
Nathaniel almost does, Jason said. Sharing you appeals to a lot of his kicks.
I guess so.
Jason hugged me, and laughed. Dont talk us into a problem we dont have, Anita. Please, please, I need you to just have uncomplicated sex with me after the food, okay? I need you to be a friend with benefits; dont make it more or less than it is, okay?
I nodded. Most of me even agreed with him. There was just that tiny voice in my head that said, Be careful. Maybe I was borrowing trouble, or maybe Jason didnt understand that he had charms of his own.
20
T HERE WAS A knock on the door. I thought it was food, but Jason said, I dont smell food.
I took the Browning out of my holster and went to the door in my stocking feet. I used the peephole and found that it wasnt room service. It was Chuck.
I kept the flip-bar on and opened the door just that much. I kept my gun out of sight, but in my hand against the door. What do you want, Chuck?
Now is that any way to greet me? I came to tell you to turn on the television, channel thirteen.
Why?
Its a media shitstorm, but not the one we thought wed have. Youll want to see it. He looked sort of tired around the edges.
Wait here, I said.
Id like to come in, he said.
Id like to be taller, but that aint happening either. I closed the door, gently.
He says to turn on channel thirteen.
Jason found the remote and turned on the TV. The woman wed seen earlier, who had been a fan of Jasons alter ego, Ripley, was on-screen. She was in midsentence: When asked earlier today if she had left Jean-Claude for one of his own strippers, zombie raiser and vampire hunter Anita Blake had no comment. They showed bits of the press conference and us leaving with the questions still being shouted at us. Jean-Claudes glossy was on-screen now with her voice-over: The Master Vampire of St. Louis has refused to comment on rumors that the love of his life has left him for Jason Schuyler. The picture from the website for Guilty Pleasures flashed on the screen. Jason looked pretty, well, strippery, in the picture. Cute, but the picture was not going to help squash any rumors.
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