Backtracker

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  Dave's reaction: stunned silence; cessation of thought; a null state like overloaded circuitry after a shutdown.

  Nothing; Dave said nothing, thought nothing, felt nothing. He no longer knew what to say or think or feel; everything dropped away from him but the whisper of the breeze and the sound of Larry's voice.

  "I have a story to tell you," said Larry.

  "It will seem as incredible as the lies I told you about my being psychic...more incredible...but you will know it's true. I've already proven who I am, proven that I know things that only he would know...and that he would never tell." Again, Larry gestured at the body in the dirt; eyes closed, mouth open, arms splayed, Billy remained motionless, uninvolved and yet more involved than ever.

  Crossing his thick arms over his chest, Larry cocked his head to one side. His expression was newly grave, not so aloof as before; his eyes flicked briefly from Dave, then slid back.

  "Once upon a time, Billy Bristol was happy," Larry said grimly. "He was going to college, and he thought he had a bright future. He was working at the Wild West Steakhouse, and he enjoyed his job. He had lots of friends, and they were like family to him.

  "He worked, he went to school, he had parties almost every week...and life was good. His troubles were few, and he never worried about anything.

  "Then, his luck ran out."

  Larry dropped his eyes to stare at the dirt floor of the fissure. For a moment, he was silent, as if struggling with a great pain, fighting to subdue it so that he could continue. He scuffed his feet in the dirt, shifted his weight to one hip, then the other; he cleared his throat twice.

  At last, he swung his head up with a decisive movement. "He didn't see any of it coming," he said, his voice tight. "He thought he would be happy forever.

  "He graduated from Orchard College, and so did you and Ernie. After graduation, the three of you celebrated your freedom. For weeks, there was one party after another, and you three had more fun than you'd ever had.

  "It started out as a perfect summer. Billy didn't have a care in the world. Believe it or not, he even fell in love. He'd always prided himself on not getting tied to one girl, but there he was, head over heels for this beautiful blonde he'd met at the lake.

  "For a while, everything was fantastic. Billy had his job, his buddies, his new girlfriend, and the weather was great.

  "Then, around the middle of July, things started to go wrong." Larry drew a deep breath, slowly released it. He slumped, appeared genuinely shaken...but then, he seemed to forcibly collect himself.

  "You've heard of the seven-year itch?" he said. "Well, Billy got the three-week itch.

  "He really did love his girlfriend, but old habits die hard. After three weeks of being faithful to his steady...a record for him at the time...he slept with another girl. He met her at one of his parties, and he was drunk and she was willing...and his sweetheart wasn't around, so he dove in and did his thing.

  "It was supposed to be just a one-night-stand...just wham, bam, thank you ma'am. He woke up the next afternoon with a hangover, and he hardly even remembered what he'd done.

  "Unfortunately, someone who'd been at the party remembered. A friend of Billy's girlfriend had seen him going back to his room with the one-night-stand. She went straight to Billy's steady and let the cat out of the bag.

  "Billy's girlfriend was furious. She called him and told him to go to hell, she never wanted to see him again. Before he could say a word, she hung up on him.

  "Right away, Billy drove over to her house to try to patch things up. Like I said, he really loved her, and he didn't want to lose her over one stupid mistake.

  "She was fit to be tied. He tried everything to smooth things over, but she wouldn't give an inch. She spit in his face and told him to never come back, and that was the end of it.

  "He was pretty depressed after that...at least for a day or two. You know Billy, though. He isn't the kind to sit around and mope, even when something's really bothering him...maybe especially then.

  "He turned himself into a full-time party animal. He had a bash almost every night of the week at his trailer, and he had a different girl almost every night, too.

  "He got wilder than he'd ever been, drinking, screwing, running around, never sitting still for a minute. He wouldn't admit it, of course, but he was trying to forget that girl.

  "It took a car crash to snap him out of it." Larry sighed, again seemed to grow uncomfortable; he unfolded his arms, placed his hands on his hips, then crossed his arms once more over his chest.

  "It was a pretty bad wreck," said Larry. "Still, Billy's old luck was holding out. He wrapped his car around a tree after he'd been drinking one night...hell, while he was drinking...and the car was totaled, but he got out with just a broken leg and a bunch of bruises.

  "He was laid up for a little while. Couldn't work, couldn't run around like he'd been doing. Didn't have any choice except to sit and do some thinking. Naturally, he started thinking about that girl.

  "He realized how much he loved her, how he couldn't do without her. He decided to try to get her to take him back. A few weeks had gone by since she'd broken up with him, so he figured maybe she'd calmed down enough to give him another chance.

  "One day, he made a couple phone calls, found out where she might be. He got you to drive him, and the two of you tracked her down. He hobbled up to her on his crutches, one leg in a cast, and he poured out his heart to her. He begged her for one more chance.

  "She told him she had a new boyfriend, a real big shot. She told Billy to stay out of her life.

  "Billy didn't want to take 'no' for an answer," Larry said sullenly. "He hounded her for weeks, calling her house, calling her at work, getting you and Ernie to help him follow her.

  "Finally, he got his cast off, and he went after the girl and her new boyfriend on his own. Ended up in a fight with the guy. Got his ass kicked, bad. Got his nose broken, lost a few teeth.

  "That was the end of it. Billy finally had to accept that it was over.

  "A couple weeks went by," continued Larry, shifting against the wall of the trench. "Little by little, Billy started to pull himself together. He stopped thinking so much about his ex-girlfriend, even started planning parties again.

  "Then, another bomb hit.

  "Billy got a visit from the one-night-stand who'd led to his break-up. She came to his trailer one morning, and she was in tears.

  "He didn't want to talk to her, didn't even want to see her because she reminded him of his terrible mistake. He tried to get her to go away, but she wouldn't leave. She just kept crying and blubbering and stumbling around the yard.

  "Finally, she managed to get out what she'd come to tell him. She said that she was pregnant...and Billy was the father."

  Larry lowered his eyes and sighed. "Billy couldn't believe it. After all the girls he'd slept with, it didn't seem possible he'd actually gotten one pregnant. He'd always been so careful...well, almost always.

  "The more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn't remember if he'd used protection or not. He barely remembered the act, let alone the details.

  "Still, he tried to get the girl to tell him she'd made the whole thing up. He really went at her, made her cry even harder...but she kept insisting he was the father, he was the only one she'd slept with in over a year.

  "Eventually, he believed her," said Larry, his voice lowering.

  "What did he do next? What could he do?

  "He tried to talk her into having an abortion. He did everything he could to persuade her...but she wouldn't go along with it.

  "He was stuck. He didn't know what to do.

  "If she wouldn't have an abortion, she'd give birth to his baby...his baby. He would be responsible for it. He would feel responsible for it. He wouldn't be capable of just abandoning his own child.

  "So what could he do? Marry this girl? He hardly even knew her. He'd met her at his party, had never seen her before that night, and he'd had sex with her once...sex
he barely even remembered. How could he spend the rest of his life with her?"

  For a long moment, Larry was silent. His features pulled into a puzzled frown, as if he were struggling afresh to solve the dilemma.

  "Well," he said at last, pain and resignation in his voice, "Billy married her. He couldn't think of anything else he could do. He was trapped by his mistake and his conscience.

  "He was just trapped.

  "Still, he really did try to take it all in stride," Larry said glumly. "He tried to make the best of it.

  "He tried to get to know his wife, tried to love her. He started looking for a full-time job so he could support her and the baby. He tried to convince himself that he could still be happy, that family life would be good for him.

  "None of it worked, though.

  "The more he got to know the girl, the less he liked her. The two of them fought constantly.

  "He couldn't find full-time work, either. His college degree didn't do him any good because there weren't any jobs in the area. He knew he had to move out of town, but his wife was against the idea. Her family all lived in the area, and she didn't want to leave them.

  "As for happiness, forget it. He didn't like his wife, he couldn't find work, and as the baby's due date got closer, he got more and more scared and depressed. You and Ernie managed to perk him up every now and again, but you were looking for work out of town, Ernie was getting ready for medical school, and the two of you gradually found less and less time to spend with Billy.

  "He got pretty low," said Larry, slowly shaking his head. "He hated the whole situation. He didn't get along with his wife at all, and he didn't have any prospects for work. As it was, the two of them couldn't make ends meet, and they had to constantly borrow money from their parents. Billy didn't know how in the world they'd manage once the kid was born.

  "Then, he finally got some reason to hope. At the steakhouse, Mr. Wyland announced he was going to take on a third manager. The starting salary wouldn't be high, but at least it'd be a full-time job with benefits, and there'd be opportunities for Billy to move up.

  "He was ecstatic. He figured he was a shoe-in since he'd had years of experience at Wild West...plus, he had a college degree. There were other people who'd been at the steakhouse as long as him, and who had as much experience as him, but he was the only one with a Business degree.

  "Billy worked his ass off trying to impress Wyland and Martin. He came in early, stayed late, studied all the manuals, learned all the paperwork. Whatever he didn't already know about the steakhouse-and that wasn't much-he learned it fast.

  "For a while, it really looked like he'd get the job. With that to look forward to, he started to feel better about things.

  "Of course, that's when the bottom fell out again," Larry growled bitterly.

  "Not only did he lose his shot at the manager's job, but he was fired from the steakhouse completely. Because of his own stupidity, because of his bad luck, because of Tom Martin, Billy lost the whole magilla.

  "See, Martin caught him stealing some steaks. It shouldn't've been a big deal, really...but you know Martin.

  "They were just old steaks, discards. You know, the steakhouse can only keep meat for so long, and then they have to throw it away...but the meat's still good enough to take home and use, if you're not too picky about that sort of thing. Billy had been lifting discards for years, ever since he'd started there. Hell, everybody who's ever worked at Wild West has sneaked out some expired T-bones at some time or another. With money as tight as it was, that meat was extra-important to Billy.

  "Wouldn't you know it. After all those years of stealing discards, just when he needed them the most, when he needed his job the most, Billy got nabbed. Martin caught him tossing a bag of sirloins in his car, and the son of a bitch fired Billy on the spot.

  "Billy was devastated. He just couldn't believe it. He went to Fred Wyland the next day and begged for mercy, hoping Fred would be a little more understanding than Martin. Fred and Billy had always gotten along well, and Fred had always been a fair man.

  "It turned out that Fred couldn't help him, though. He said he wanted to keep him on, but there was just no way around the firing. Company policy was pretty strict about stealing...even stealing steaks that were going in the garbage...and Martin was on the warpath.

  "Just like that, Billy was out of Wild West. He lost his job, he lost his hope for the future, all because he'd taken a couple steaks that were going to be thrown away anyway.

  "It didn't make sense," said Larry, anger curling like smoke in his voice. "Nothing made sense."

  Larry closed his eyes, didn't speak for a moment. His brows knotted, his teeth bared, his nose mashed as if he were in tremendous pain, as if an agonizing memory were playing out behind his sealed lids. His shoulders rose and fell in a faster rhythm, the quicker beat of agitated breathing; he twitched, flinched into the stone, wrapped his folded arms more tightly against his chest.

  At last, he shook his head, whipped it violently as if to disperse some storm from within. He cleared his throat loudly, then opened his eyes.

  "Anyway," he said darkly. "After he lost his job at the steakhouse, he got another part-time job at a fast-food joint. He kept looking for full-time work...God, how he looked...but there just wasn't any to be had.

  "His new job paid even less than Wild West. There was hardly any money coming in, and his wife couldn't work, and the baby was on its way. Before long, he and his wife were depending almost totally on their parents for money...but there was a limit to even that. Neither family was rich, and they could only give so much. Not only that, but the parents...on both sides...weren't crazy about supporting their married kids.

  "Billy started to do some drinking...serious drinking. He didn't do it for fun, like before. Things were so tough, he was so depressed, he just drank to keep himself from thinking. He hardly spent any time at home. When he wasn't at work, he was at a bar somewhere.

  "By the time fall rolled around, he was drinking harder than ever. He spent too much money on booze, and that made things worse at home...and that just made him drink even more.

  "You and Ernie deserted him that fall," Larry said tightly. "You'd spent all summer sending resumes out of town, and you finally got a good job in Kentucky. Ernie went off to medical school in Philadelphia.

  "Billy'd known for a long time that you weren't staying, that you couldn't stay. Still, it was a terrible blow when you and Ernie were finally gone. The two of you had been like brothers to him. You'd kept him from going completely over the edge.

  "Other members of the old Wild West gang were still in town, but they gradually stopped coming around once the parties stopped. A lot of the old gang ended up moving away, like Jack Bunsen and Jane Niessner. Boris Blovitz, of course, was long-gone. He'd killed himself in the woods behind Billy's trailer months ago." At that, Larry hesitated for just a beat, the briefest of instants.

  "Anyway, Billy was alone before long. All the people he'd cared about had abandoned him, left him with a pregnant wife he didn't love.

  "He sunk lower than he'd ever been before. Things kept getting worse.

  "Because of his drinking, he missed work a couple times, and he finally lost his job at the fast food joint. He was able to get unemployment compensation for a while, but it eventually ran out. He and his wife ended up on welfare.

  "When the baby was born...well, things got tougher than Billy had ever expected. It was a boy. It was also...it had Down's Syndrome.

  "You know. Mentally retarded."

  Larry shook his head slowly and sighed. Turning his face upward, he stared at the sky, cast a pained, hopeless look at the blueness.

  "It would have been difficult enough if the kid had been...normal...but its condition meant more troubles. The boy was severely retarded. Taking care of him would be an expensive, lifelong project.

  "Billy wasn't ready for it. Maybe, if he'd been a little older, a little stronger, he could've taken everything that was thrown at him...b
ut he was young and weak, and it broke him.

  "He drank and drank, stayed away from the wife and kid as much as he could. He was angry and depressed and drunk all the time. Got ugly. Pretty soon, he just wasn't Billy anymore." Pushing away from the wall of the trench, Larry began to pace, plodding back and forth in the narrow space.

  "He thought about killing himself," continued Larry, hands clasped behind him as he paced. "One night, he actually almost did it...but he was too scared to finish the job. Wasn't worried about who'd take care of his wife and son if he did himself in. He was just too scared of dying." Head bowed, Larry walked and turned, walked and turned before the body in the dirt.

  "Anyway, Billy gave up," said Larry. "He stopped trying. He stopped trying to find a decent job. He stopped trying to give a damn about his wife and kid. He stopped trying not to drink.

  "Once he'd completely given up, things went downhill a lot faster.

  "He got into drugs. He hooked up with some people at the dives where he hung out, and they became his new best friends because they always knew how to score drugs. He did just about everything you could think of, and he loved it. The dope made him forget a hell of a lot better than the booze.

  "Before long, he even started selling the stuff. Made some money at it, but most of it just went to support his own habit. You know how it goes.

  "It only took a couple months for the next bomb to hit." At that, Larry stopped pacing, came to rest in the middle of the trench. Arms folded, he stared intently at one stone wall.

  "He was making out okay as a small-time dealer. He was keeping himself in coke and he was even throwing a little cash his wife's way.

  "Then, he sold to the wrong guy one day. Billy thought he was dealing some coke to a harmless kid off the street, only the kid turned out to be a narc. He was working for the cops.

  "The cops had Billy dead to rights. They found all kinds of incriminating shit in his trailer, and they hauled his ass in.

  "He ended up spending a couple years in jail. That just took the life right out of him...what there was of it, anyway.

  "If you'd've seen him, you wouldn't've even recognized him. He was just...he was gone. A completely different person." Larry sighed and slowly shook his head; his eyes were full of sorrow as he tipped them toward Dave.