by Krista McGee
Before Loudin walks out the door, he looks at each of us, his eyes boring into ours. None of us looks away. None of us says a word. And when he leaves, his Monitors follow. None of them stays behind. He isn’t even concerned about us being alone, doesn’t feel we need to be watched.
“Where is Dallas?” He is not in the living area, and I was too focused on the wall screen to notice where he was taken. “What did Loudin do with Dallas?”
“He’s in his cube,” Rhen says. “The Monitors took him there after one of them administered the sedation drug. His vitals are fine and he is resting.”
I move to the couch where Alex is still sitting, staring at nothing. “What happened?”
“You saw what happened.” Alex’s voice comes out in a whisper, damaged, I am sure, from his beating.
“Nicole . . .” I don’t think I will ever be able to forget the image of her lying dead in Loudin’s arms. “Why was she even there?”
“Carey is sick.” Alex wipes his face with his hand. “Really sick. I don’t know what’s wrong, but Nicole was sad when we arrived without Kristie. She wanted to see her grandmother, and she wanted Kristie to see Carey. She cried when I told her Kristie wasn’t with us.”
Fresh pain fills my heart. None of them deserves this.
“Loudin offered to take Nicole on a ride with us to Athens. He was acting so kind—like he did with Alayne. Nicole came along gladly, and the people were so grateful. They love your family.” Alex looks at me.
My family. Kristie. Nicole. Dallas. Carey. Family I put in danger by escaping to New Hope to begin with. Guilt battles with grief, but I push them both aside because I need to hear the rest of the story. I need to know what happened to Nicole.
“But as soon as the aircraft took off for Athens, Loudin pulled out his weapon and pointed it at Nicole. He said I better make sure he got the formula, or Nicole would be killed just like her grandmother was killed.”
Poor Nicole, having her life threatened by her grandmother’s murderer. Hearing of her grandmother’s death like that. She was so young, so full of life and joy. I don’t know if I can hear the rest. I want to run away, hide, bury myself somewhere. This is too much.
“So I made sure he got the formula, and the ingredients to make it.” Alex bites his lip. “I tried to do just what he asked. I swear I did.”
I put my arm on Alex’s back and pull him to me. “I know you did. We saw it. You did your best to protect her.”
“But I couldn’t protect her.” Alex takes a ragged breath, and I feel the pain, the aching in every muscle.
“What happened on the way back to New Hope from Athens?”
“Loudin talked the whole way back about what he will do with the formula.” Every word seems to take monumental effort. “He is going to make it stronger, engineer it to be permanent and not temporary. If he can’t do that, he’ll put it in the water so everyone ingests it every day. That way, when he brings people here from all over, they’ll do what he says. He wants to control the world, Thalli. He wants everyone out there to be just like everyone in here.”
Knowing this already doesn’t make hearing it any less frightening.
“I fought with him.” Alex’s bottom lip shakes, and I tighten my hold on him. “I told him he can’t do that. It’s wrong. My people deserve to be free. Everyone deserves to be free. I said I wouldn’t let him go through with this.”
Alex begins to sob, and we all wait in silence until he composes himself again.
“He said if I tried to stop him, then he’d . . .” Alex closes his eyes and shakes his head. “He’d kill every person I loved while I watched him do it.”
I lower my head onto Alex’s shoulder. I know what happened next. “And then he killed Nicole.”
Alex nods, unable to speak.
Rhen leans forward. “And he blamed you to set himself up as a better leader, so he can return to New Hope and take people from there to use here.”
“Yes. They hate me. And they’ll tell the Athenians too.”
“Carey will suspect the truth,” I assure Alex. “He knows Loudin.”
Alex shrugs. “I don’t know if he can communicate or not. And even if he can—you saw how angry the people were. You think they’re going to believe him? After they saw Nicole?”
“Surely they will.” I refuse to believe the people in New Hope will side with Loudin. They are better than that. Smarter than that.
“People believe what they see.” Alex speaks so softly I almost miss it.
I turn as heavy footsteps come down the hall. Dallas enters, his face red, veins bulging in his neck. He pushes me to the side and grabs Alex by his shirt, ignoring the cry of pain from Alex as his arm is jostled.
“How could you?” Dallas yells, and none of us is strong enough to pull him away from Alex. “How could you let that man kill my sister?”
I see movement outside our window. Loudin is looking in, smiling.
CHAPTER 34
Berk finally pries Dallas away from Alex, but not before a wound on his cheek is reopened, blood dripping down onto his shirt. Dallas is still fighting, lunging toward Alex, desperate, I am sure, to undo what we just learned, to erase it.
I understand how he feels, the pulsing anger directed at Loudin, who has so little value for life, so much arrogance. I want to do to him what he did to Nicole. All thoughts of forgiveness and love are gone.
“It’s not his fault.” Berk says this over and over again as he holds Dallas tightly in his arms, his face red with his attempt to contain the larger man.
Rhen steps in front of Dallas, and he seems to deflate like a punctured ball I once saw in New Hope. He sinks to the floor, and Rhen follows him, Berk still holding on.
“Dallas, it isn’t anger you’re feeling.” Rhen holds his face in her hands. I feel myself clinging to her words as well, wanting the calm she possesses. “You are upset, and that is natural. Allow yourself to feel grief.”
“Shut up.”
I have never seen Dallas speak to Rhen like this. Even she leans back, unsure of what to say.
“My sister is dead. My grandmother is dead. My grandfather is sick. My parents are hundreds of miles away. I can’t do anything. I can’t stop this man. I can’t be sure the rest of my family won’t be murdered. You have no idea how that feels.”
Rhen swallows hard and moisture pools in her eyes. “You’re right. Of course. I don’t know how that feels.”
Dallas shakes Berk off and walks back down the hallway, then shuts the door to his cube with more force than necessary. The rest of us are silent, Dallas’s words hanging in the air.
Alex wipes the blood from his face, then runs his hands through his curly blond hair. “I know how he feels.”
I take Alex’s good hand and lead him to the cooking chamber, then make him sit in a chair at the dining table while I find medical supplies. I put salve on the cuts on his face and arms. I wish I could bring healing to his heart as easily as I can deliver it to his body. But Alex is crushed. I see it in the slope of his shoulders, in his inability to look me in the eye. I wash my hands and fill a glass of water.
“Can you eat?” I set the water on the table, but Alex doesn’t reach for it.
“I’m not hungry.”
“It’s not your fault, Alex.” I place my hand on his and he pulls it away.
“I was right there, Thalli.” He hides his face in his hand. “I was a foot away when Loudin killed her. If I had just reached out, grabbed the knife . . . I didn’t know. One minute I was yelling at him and swearing he’ll never hurt my people. The next minute she was gone. I watched her die. It was like standing over my father that day, seeing the life leave him. But Nicole was innocent. Completely innocent.”
I pull a chair beside Alex and wrap my arms around him. He stiffens at first but then relaxes and folds his good arm around me in a grip that almost takes my breath away.
“The people think I did this.” Alex’s tears wet my shirt. “They think I am a murderer. I k
now that is minor compared with Nicole’s death, but . . . I love those people. I want to lead them. I hoped I would be able to when this was over.”
“You will lead them.” I rest my head on Alex’s. “They won’t believe Loudin’s lies.”
“They already did.” Alex leans back in his chair, his crystal-blue eyes shining with grief. “They wanted to kill me—if Loudin hadn’t called them off, they would have. I wish they did. He promised them he would deal with me. He has no intention of letting me ever return to Athens.”
“We’re going to stop him, Alex.” I force his eyes to meet mine. “We’re not letting him win. James is working with us. Berk and Rhen are some of the smartest people in the State. And you know strategy.”
“But none of us is capable of murder. He is. So he wins. He got the formula because he was willing to kill Nicole. If I had known he was going to kill her anyway—” “You would have done the same thing.” I need him to see this is not his fault. I don’t want him blaming himself for Loudin’s actions. “You are a good man, Alex. You’re not like him—you wouldn’t allow an innocent person to die.”
“But I did.” Alex turns away.
“No, you didn’t.” I reach for his face and gently turn it toward me.
Berk walks in. Sadness weighs on his face and something else—jealousy? But I cannot process that now because Alex needs me. And we need Alex. He has to release himself from this burden—for his own good, but also for ours.
“Do you want me to call in a Medical Specialist?” Berk’s voice sounds strained.
“No.” Alex stands, biting his lip. “I’ll be all right. Let’s just figure out how to stop this madman before he hurts anyone else.”
“Exactly what I was thinking.”
A loud tone shatters the room—the signal that we have an incoming communication on the wall screen. We walk into the living area, and Loudin’s face fills the screen.
“No rest for the weary, I’m afraid.” He is speaking to us the same way he spoke to Alayne in Athens. It is sickening. “I am still preparing to travel down to South America. So much to do. Thalli, I’ll need your help with a little gift I am preparing for the folks we’ll visit. A transport is on its way to pick you up.”
My legs suddenly feel too weak to hold me up. Berk’s hand grasps mine, and the warmth of his support staves off the fear that was rising within me.
“Alex.” Loudin’s gaze goes to Alex standing behind us. “You’ll come too, of course. We’ll need your linguistic skills.”
“I’d like to assist.” Berk squeezes my hand.
Loudin narrows his eyes. He has a slight, satisfied smile. “No, Berk. I don’t have need of you. Yet. Just Thalli and Alex. They’ll be spending lots of time together, working side by side. We wouldn’t want you to distract them from their work, would we?”
Berk releases my hand and takes a step forward. “Dr. Loudin—”
The wall screen goes black, and the door to our pod opens.
“Transport for Thalli and Alex.” The Monitor motions toward the door.
CHAPTER 35
Alex and I have been in the Scientists’ quarters for three days. Despite Loudin’s claims, we haven’t worked together much. I have been given a musical assignment. Music, he says, is a universal language, so it is my job to learn some musical pieces he found from Ecuador to speak peace to them before he exits the aircraft. Then Alex will take over as translator.
The original trip has been modified, he said, and there isn’t as much need for us to work together on this. I think of our time working together in Pod C, before Berk, Rhen, and Dallas arrived. Before Alex was used by Loudin. He was different then. Still grieving his father and sister, but without the weight he carries now.
I do not know where Alex is or what he is doing or how he is faring with his injuries sustained in Athens. I am more concerned, however, with the damage done to his spirit than his body. The bruises will heal in a few days, but the guilt over Nicole’s death will take much longer. And the fear that his people believe him to be a murderer just adds to the burden he is carrying. I wish Loudin would allow us to work together, to be together. Alex needs me.
I wish I could refuse to do this, to defy Loudin. But he was clear that disobedience would result in the immediate annihilation of Dallas or Rhen. He means that. And though I know he could still choose to kill them even if I do all that he says, my love for them, for life, prohibits me from acting on my desire to disregard Loudin’s instructions.
My mind goes back to John, to his words to me. From the beginning, he told me I have a purpose. We all have a purpose. But am I fulfilling mine? Am I doing enough? John did—he died having fulfilled all that the Designer wanted him to do. He never seemed to doubt, never seemed to question. He just loved and lived and prayed. He was always praying.
But I don’t pray. I can’t. I don’t want to pray, I want to yell at God. I want to know why people like Kristie and Nicole have been allowed to die. Why Loudin is allowed to keep winning. Where is his power? Why isn’t he stopping Loudin? It isn’t fair.
I am not like John. And if the Designer wanted me to be like him, then wouldn’t he help me? Wouldn’t he show me my purpose and demonstrate his power over Loudin?
I close my eyes and push these thoughts from my mind. I cannot answer those questions now. I cannot keep thinking about them or I’ll become as moody as Dallas. So I turn back to the music on my communications pad. This is a different type of melody. And I have not found the right sound on the synthesized keyboard Loudin brought into my room. I do not enjoy this type of instrument as much. I like a piano to be a piano, a trumpet to be a trumpet. But it is fitting that Loudin wants a false version of the real thing. That is exactly what he is—a false version of the real God. One who wants to be obeyed but not to love, one who wants to receive but not to give.
My fingers play the notes on the pad, but my mind wanders. My heart is not part of this music. I cannot escape into it . . . I cannot enjoy it. If this works the way Loudin plans, then the music I am recording will lull the survivors in this village into believing Loudin desires peace. He’ll speak to them the way he spoke to Alayne. And they will believe him. And if the Athenian formula works the way he wants it to work, then those people will become just like the rest of the residents of The State—single-mindedly focused on completing whatever tasks Loudin assigns them. No questions, no arguments, no feelings. They won’t even realize they’ve left families behind, left children and homes and memories.
Removing my hands from the keyboard, I sigh. Sometimes, if I am completely honest, I long for that forgetfulness. I wish I didn’t know so much, didn’t feel so much. I ache with grief for Kristie and Nicole, for Helen and Peter. I worry about Dallas and his anger, Alex and his guilt. I miss Berk so much that sometimes I cannot even take a full breath.
A Monitor opens the door. “You have a visitor.”
Since we have been back, Monitors have replaced Assistants in taking me to and from locations. I feel like a child again, with the Monitors’ disapproving glances and raised eyebrows. This one checks my work every night to make sure I accomplished the tasks Loudin assigned. She purses her lips together now, seeing me with my hands in my lap when they should be on the keyboard, perfecting this song.
“Thalli.” Alex enters the room, and as the Monitor closes the door behind him, I rush to him and take his face in my hands.
“How do you feel?” His face is still bruised, but the swelling has gone down. There are broken blood vessels in his eyes, making the blue seem darker.
“Much better now.” Alex pulls me to him with one arm, the other still in a sling next to his body.
I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. I have missed him. More than I realized. What Alex and I have is different from what Berk and I have. I cannot fully comprehend that difference. I cannot put it into words. But Alex and I have a connection I don’t have with anyone else. Together we have endured what no one around us can imagine. I have
come to share Alex’s burden for the people of Athens.
When I open my eyes, I see Berk. His face covers the wall screen. The look in his eyes is a mixture of sadness and anger, a look similar to the one on his face when Alex and I left three days ago.
“Berk.” I pull away from Alex, but Berk says nothing. He just stares at me.
Loudin’s voice breaks through the silence, his face in a small window at the top of the screen. “See, Berk, I told you they were getting along very well, didn’t I? Safe, happy, together. Nothing to worry about.”
The muscle in Berk’s jaw twitches, but he remains silent.
“Such a caring group. Rhen and Dallas, Thalli and Alex. So you can see, Berk, you can come work for me and know your friends will be well taken care of.”
I look at the wall screen. What is it Loudin is asking Berk to do? And why is he trying to make him feel separated from the rest of us?
Berk turns and walks away. The wall screen fills with Loudin’s face. “I would like to leave for South America in two days. I will give you two a few more minutes together, but then you must get to work. There is much to be done.”
The wall screen goes black, and I sit in a chair. “Berk thinks we are together.”
“Would that be so bad?”
I look into Alex’s face, and all the conflicting emotions I have had for weeks resurface.
The silence drags on, and Alex sits on my sleeping platform, his head down. “I guess it would.”
“No.” I move to his side and place a hand on his knee. “It’s just . . . complicated.”
“Of course.” Alex shakes his head. “How could you ever love me? How could anyone?”
“Don’t say that.” I take his hand in mine. “John would say you are loved by the Creator of the universe. Deeply, completely loved.”
“John would say?” Alex stands, his shoulders tense. “Why should I care what John says?”
