* * * *
Charlie had been trying to shake the jittery feeling in his gut all morning. It wasn’t until Johanna called just after noon to tell him she was on her way home that it eased. Though he chastised himself for thinking of his own heart when Julietta was in the hospital, he allowed himself the joy.
Johanna was coming home.
“I’m heading to work, Dad.” Will bounced down the stairs. “I’ll be late for dinner.”
“You have to go in now?” Charlie checked his watch. “Your mother will be here to drop the kids off soon.”
“I know. I gotta go. Keep something warm for me?”
“All right, son. Have a good day.”
Despite the crocodile tears Charlie suspected when his son called sobbing, his avoidance said there was more to it. While Charlotte spouted her feelings, Will buried them. The result was the same. He was glad, at least, that Caleb, Tony, and Millie seemed to be having a good time with their cousins. With their mother. Perhaps they were just young enough to be freer with their forgiveness.
His eldest had also absented herself from the house, necessitating Charlie’s presence there instead of letting him head out to finish building shelves for the new owners of the trendy restoration of the old dime store in town.
Cleaning up lunch dishes, as always, left in the sink instead of put into the dishwasher, Charlie itched to get back to work. Once Gina returned the kids, he would leave them with Caleb, call Charlotte home, and put in a couple of hours before Johanna got back.
Kitchen cleaned, Charlie checked his watch. Gina said she’d be there by one o’clock. It was almost two. So much for getting to work. He blew an exasperated breath through his lips. Until Gina left him with sole custody of his children, he never realized how much freedom he had formerly enjoyed. Going to the cemetery, or a client’s place, was his job. A given. Every morning. Doctor appointments and school conferences were arranged around it. Now the kids were his job that work got rearranged for, and it was more difficult than he ever imagined.
Two o’clock came, and went. He made himself a cup of tea in the Shakespearean insults mug he got as a gag gift many years ago, the one that sparked his interest, and got him reading the plays he dreaded in high school, that then sparked his determination to read and understand every one good ol’ Billy Shakes ever wrote. Then it was three o’clock, his second mug of tea finished, and his interest no longer in the insults book he bought when he found out about the contest. Johanna was due to arrive soon, and though there were no issues between the women, he would have preferred to keep his ex-wife very separate from the re-budding of his relationship with Johanna.
Calls to Gina’s cell were not answered. Texts weren’t either. He cursed his firm decision about unemployed children not needing cell phones. Where could they be? Why hadn’t she called? Unthinkable thoughts first trickled then careened through Charlie’s head. They’d already been gone for days. For all he knew, they were in Florida. Gina was enrolling them in school there. She was telling them he wasn’t able to take care of them all on his own, that they were better off with her and Bertie, that he had Johanna now and didn’t want them anymore, that—
Feet pounded up the front steps. His racing heart eased enough to keep him from bolting for the door and yanking it open. Charlie dropped into the couch, his head back and eyes staring at the ceiling. He collected himself in time for Millie to come bounding into the room and dive onto his lap.
“Daddy, I missed you.”
“Oh,” he groaned. “Careful there, Mills. Did you have a good time?”
“Lots and lots. Tony was mean to me though.”
“How was he mean to you?”
“He told me I couldn’t play blocks because I’m a girl.”
“Well, that isn’t very nice. You want me to talk to him?”
“It’s ok, Daddy. Mommy did.”
Tony and Caleb entered the room just ahead of Gina, who had Millie’s pony duffle slung over her shoulder.
“Hey, Dad,” Caleb called and headed up to the attic. Tony, at least, gave him a hug.
“Sorry we’re so late.” Gina slid the duffle from her shoulder. “You know how Tracy is. I tried to tell her you’d be waiting.”
“Why didn’t you call?”
“We took the kids to the…what was it called, Ton?”
“Discovery Dipstick.”
Gina laughed. “Discovery District. In Torrington. You know how bad coverage is there. Were you worried?”
“No.”
“You were.”
Charlie shifted the twins on his lap. “Why don’t you go put your stuff away,” he said. “Johanna’s coming over. We’re going to bake cupcakes to take to her sister.”
“Do we get to keep any?” Tony asked.
“I’m sure we can.”
The twins leapt off his lap and ran from the room. Charlie listened to Tony’s footsteps until they reached the attic.
“Something wrong?” Gina asked, sitting beside him.
“Things have been a little intense here.”
“Is it ever any different with the Coco girls…women? What happened?”
Charlie told her, and found he felt a whole lot better afterwards. The jittery feeling in his gut wasn’t just fear of Johanna bolting in the face of this adversity, but a genuine concern for Julietta.
“That’s rough,” Gina said when he finished. “I didn’t know about the accident. I always thought their parents were involved in drugs or something.”
“I don’t think so. I guess nothing would surprise me at this point.”
“And on top of all this, I’m three hours late getting the kids home. No wonder you were thinking I took off with them.”
“I didn’t—”
“Charlie, please. We were married for sixteen years. Give me the benefit of knowing you better than just about anyone.”
He managed to smile. “It wasn’t real worry.”
“Good. I would never. The kids belong here, with you. I know that, even if after these few days, it’s killing me to leave them.”
“I’ll get them to you this summer. Even Will.”
“Not Charlotte, though.”
Charlie picked at the throw pillow beside him on the couch. “She says she’s going to work for Johanna in Cape May this summer.”
“You okay with her going?”
“She’s all grown up. She can do what she wants.”
“I meant Johanna.”
Charlie startled silent. “I hadn’t really thought about that part of it, to be honest.”
“You think she’ll move back to Bitterly?”
“I really don’t know.”
“What will you do?”
Leave Bitterly? The revitalized town center, the schools, his kids’ lives so rooted to this town that Gina had not fought him for custody. Would she fight him if he pulled their roots to follow Johanna to Cape May? Taking things with her a day at a time, a moment at a time was suddenly not the best idea he ever had, even if it had been necessary until now.
“I’d better get going.” Gina patted his knee as she rose from the couch. “I got myself a room near the airport. My flight out is at butt-crack o’thirty tomorrow morning.”
Charlie laughed softly. “Call when you get home. The kids will want to hear from you.”
Gina shouted up the stairs for the kids to come say good-bye, a scene Charlie had been dreading but that went over just fine. Millie and Tony cried a little, but Gina promised them Harry Potter World—at last!—when they came to Florida for the summer and tears were banished. Caleb hugged his mother tight, but didn’t shed a tear. The cordless in his other hand, finger over the mouthpiece, he whispered, “Love you, Ma,” and hurried back up to the attic, hunched and muttering into the phone.
Charlie walked Gina to the front door
“Looks like our son might have his first girlfriend,” she said. “He spent most of the time on the phon
e. My phone. Maybe we ought to reconsider the cell phone thing. It’s kind of a necessity these days.”
“You’re probably right. I’ll take him over to Torrington this weekend.”
Gina cocked her head, smiled sheepishly. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She dug into her bag and pulled out a box. “I got this for him, but I didn’t tell him. I swear. I wanted to talk to you about it first.”
Charlie took the phone. Thin, sleek, the newest and the best. Gina did not make much money. He wasn’t even sure where she was working these days. “I’ll pay for the plan.”
“I got it,” she said. “I put him in on mine.”
“What would you have done with it if I wouldn’t let up?”
Again the sheepish grin. “I had a pretty good feeling you would.” Her hand came up to rub at his hairy chin. “You’re a good dad, Charlie. A good man. I always did like you.”
“We’ve always been good friends,” he said.
“I hope we can be again.”
“Aren’t we?”
“Not yet.” She smiled. “But we will be.”
Gina trotted down the steps. Charlie closed the door against the cold coming in, but stopped when he heard, “Oh, hey, Johanna.”
Caught between pulling the door open and closing it firmly against eavesdropping, he did neither.
“Hi, Gina. How was your time with the kids?”
“Really great. Thanks. I hate leaving them.”
“It must be hard. You okay?”
“I will be, once I get home. Tonight’s going to be a little rough, but I’ll live.” She continued down the steps. “Have fun baking cupcakes.”
“Thanks.”
Charlie opened the door as Johanna came the rest of the way up the steps. She handed him the bag of ingredients. “Everything okay here?”
“It’s fine. Will and Charlotte will be back later, but Tony and Millie are looking forward to baking cupcakes. Caleb’s just looking forward to eating them.”
He carried the groceries to the kitchen. Johanna followed. “Hey!” She held up the tea-stained mug he had set into the sink. “You really do have a mug.”
“I told you I did.”
She inspected it. “I don’t see most of the insults you hurled.”
“I might have studied a little, when I found out about it.”
“You learned it all in two days?”
“Well, I already knew a few on my own.” He took her into his arms. “I wanted to impress you. Did it work?”
“Maybe a little.”
Charlie kissed her softly, quickly. They were both on edge, and the kids were home. Anything more than an affectionate peck might have proved too much for him. He let her go. “How’s Julietta?”
“Not good.” Johanna put the mug back into the sink and started taking groceries from the bag. “We moved her to a smaller hospital at the academy where Efan works. Her doctor wants to interview me in the morning…”
* * * *
Nina told Dr. Sam, as he preferred to Chowdary, about living in New Hampshire, the abandoned farmhouse they called home, being left alone to fend for themselves as toddlers, and the fire that landed them in Bitterly. What she recalled of life with her parents was being loved, if not well cared-for. Kooky and well intentioned, they did their best. She held nothing against them.
Emma’s interview went much differently. She had been frightened of her father most of the time, frightened of the people he insisted were in every hallway, around every corner, waiting to snatch her away. But there were times he was the best of playmates, telling stories in his accented voice, making them puppets and dolls out of things he found. She learned how to tell which Daddy he was, day by day, and when to avoid the one who scared her. What Emma remembered of Carolina were the bouts of depression, followed by bursts of crazed energy Emma had learned to fear almost as much as her father’s shadowy government men. Carolina did whatever her husband told her to, without question, not out of fear but for absolute faith. Of the accident, Emma remembered nothing.
“My interview went much the same as Nina’s,” Johanna told her sisters as they shared stories over lunch. “Our Carolina and Johan were not the same people as yours, Emma.”
“Lucky you.” She sipped her iced tea. “I loved them. I loved them so much, but I was afraid all the time. I hate to say it, but if all that didn’t happen, if I’d been left with them to reach adulthood, I would have been a goner.”
“We all would have been,” Nina muttered. She raised her glass. “To Adelina and Giovanni Coco, our saviors.”
Johanna raised her glass to toast their grandparents, even if she was suddenly nauseous. For the first time in her life, she had to acknowledge her life had been better for losing her parents. Had they lived—she shuddered, and that shuddering made her feel even worse, because what she did not share with her sisters, what she had never shared with them, was her own role in her parents’ descent into the madness.
“You cannot possibly blame yourself,” Dr. Sam had said when she confessed her accidental arson to him. “You were a baby, Johanna. You’d been left unattended but for your sister who was barely older than you.”
“I knew better than to play with the fire,” she said.
“That is what you told yourself as you got older, as you remembered it. I can assure you, absolutely, a child of three has no real sense of such dire consequence. You must let all such notions go.”
“But all that happened to them after, being separated from one another, from their kids, committed into whatever psychiatric wards the state put them in had to have tipped their already unbalanced minds beyond the breaking point. It must have, don’t you think?”
Dr. Sam had tapped his pen to his teeth, his intense eyes on her. “I would need access to the records to know for certain,” he said, “But mental illness, left untreated, usually gets worse with age, Johanna. I don’t know their experiences in the hospitals they went to, but given their ages, and the apparent severity of their illnesses, I can say with confidence that, with or without events transpiring as they did, they would indeed have become more and more unstable as time went on. ” He had leaned forward then, touched her hand. “You cannot carry the blame for their actions. It was their job to protect you, to guide you, to take care of you. Perhaps they were incapable, but that does not make them inculpable. You were a baby. It was not your fault.”
“He asked if I knew what happened to her.” Emma swiped a potato chip off Johanna’s tray. “To Mom.”
“Me too,” Nina said.
“And me.” Johanna bit into her turkey sandwich, swallowed her prior thoughts along with it. “He thought it was odd we didn’t know. That we hadn’t heard from her at all.”
“I got the feeling he believes Gram and Pop did,” Nina said. “I’ve always thought so myself, actually.”
“You think they’d have kept her from us?” Emma asked. “Even as adults?”
“I wish I knew.”
“What? If they knew? Or where Mom is…was…whatever.”
“Both,” Nina answered, her eyes suddenly downcast. “I gave Dr. Sam permission to get whatever records are still available. It’s been a really long time. The records for the accident, and anything that might have happened after could well have been destroyed by now, or impossible to locate.” She looked to Emma. “You don’t have to read them, if you don’t want to. I know all this is way more painful to you than to me and Jo.”
“I still want to know what happened to her.” Emma closed her eyes, inhaled deeply. “It’s my wish. The one I always told myself I would make when I got the locket.” She opened her eyes to wag a finger at Nina. “And don’t you start on me about believing in wishes. It’s not like it would have hurt any.”
“I didn’t say anything, Emma.” She reached across the table. “It’s my wish too.”
Johanna’s heart pounded so hard she could barely hear for the rush in her ears. All the silly wishes
through her life had always been eclipsed by the same one. The wish she feared making. Feared being granted. The one her sisters shared.
She took another bite of her sandwich—I wish, I wish—and swallowed down more thoughts she could not put into words.
* * * *
Johanna lived the next days in a sort of limbo. Julietta did not come successfully back to them. Moments of true awareness turned almost instantly to agitation. Dr. Sam treated her acute anxiety with medication, and rest. One time, he assured them, she would awaken and be more herself. It was only a matter of time.
Still they visited her daily, taking turns sitting at her bedside. Efan was there all hours of the day and night, and vowed he would be until the academy was back in session. Emma’s kids and Charlie’s went back to school. Gunner returned to New York to complete the sale of the gallery.
Charlotte had already pulled out of SUNY, New Paltz and applied to the Culinary Institute of America. Financial aid forms were being filled out, she resumed her position at the coffeehouse in town, and in another week, she would head out to New Paltz to collect her belongings and say good-bye to friends. It astounded Johanna, her ability to transition between such huge changes in her life so seamlessly. And yet seamless was an act Charlotte played almost as well as Johanna did herself.
When they were not running back and forth to the hospital, Emma and Nina spent most of their time with Johanna at the house on County Line Road. They went through Gram’s things to donate, to save. They found boxes of Poppy’s clothes Gram had been unable to part with. Photo albums, old tax returns, bank statements, boxes of canceled checks—the accumulation of a life lived united, and then apart. They carefully considered every item. Except the locket. It, as well as all talk of what they would do with the house, was firmly, and most defiantly, avoided.
The sisters cooked together and ate together. Mike only joined them once, when Charlie and his kids did as well. Even then he took the kids home early. Emma stayed overnight, left when it was time to get her boys ready for school in the morning only to show up at the door at nine the next night, a bottle of wine and a deck of tarot cards in hand.
Nina had given Johanna her arched-brow look and popped open the bottle. And when Emma went to her old room to sleep the night, Nina stopped Johanna at her door.
Seeking Carolina (Bitterly Suite Book 1) Page 16
