As if his callous dismissal of their lovemaking hadn’t been enough, his words to Freddie regarding her skills had sent her over the edge, torn between anger and humiliation. It was enough to bring her to tears. Even if he hadn’t been pleased by her, why say so? Especially to her ex-husband! It was all enough to make a girl bury herself under the covers and hide away from the world.
But that wasn’t all. There was the guilt as well. The discovery that her father had been murdered because of her was tearing at her soul. Despite Jack’s assurance that she wouldn’t have to say anything regarding Freddie’s involvement in her father’s death to her mother or sister, Kitty had not been able to keep the secret to herself. Oh, Mother and Evie had not cast their blame and accusing eyes upon her. Much to her surprise, there had been no blame, no fault leveled at her, only Freddie. Indeed, they had been all that was sympathetic to her plight. Kitty, however, had not been able to stop blaming herself, knowing that if she hadn’t run, her father would still be alive. It ate at her when she recalled Freddie’s rambling confession, his lack of remorse for what he had done and his conviction that he had done it because of her actions. No matter what anyone said, she felt as if she might as well have killed her beloved Da with her own hand.
Sighing deeply as the tears leaked from her eyes, Kitty tried to roll on her side, minding the tight bindings around her bruised ribs. She had been lucky Freddie’s vicious kick had not broken them, the doctor said, citing her steel-banded corset as the protective factor. Still, they throbbed terribly, as did her entire face. Cradling her swollen cheek, Kitty wept into her pillow.
A ray of light streaked across her bedroom floor as the door cracked open, and she turned her head to eye the intruder before laying her head back down with a groan. Kitty didn’t feel at all prepared for this. But of course, despite his uncaring words, Jack was nothing if not a gentleman. He would come here now and lie, say whatever he must to comfort her. “What do you want, Jack?”
He winced. “Your mother would not let me see you earlier, so I am reduced to sneaking in like a thief. I had a hard time avoiding Sung Li in the hall. He paced for so long I thought he might never leave. How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. There, you can go now,” she sniffed. “You have done your duty.”
Jack just shook his head. “Despite what you might think, it is no duty to be here. You must know I care for you, Kitty…” His words were left dangling, inviting a response, but Kitty remained silent. “I’d like to lie with you if I might.”
“Why?”
“To offer comfort.”
“I don’t need your comfort, Jack.”
“I think you do.” He kicked off his slippers and shed his dressing gown, revealing his bared chest in the dim light. He wore only his linen smalls.
Kitty shuddered with unwilling desire as he climbed into the feather bed.
“Go away, Jack,” she moved away from him. “I don’t want you to look at me. I look awful.”
“Aye, you do,” he said with brutal honesty. “I’d like to find Hayes and beat him some more for laying a finger upon you. But you are still beautiful to me.”
“What a cool liar you are,” she scoffed, and pushed at him. “Go away! I don’t want you now!”
“I don’t lie, and I just want to hold you, my love.” His words were so soft and caring that, for a moment, Kitty could but look at him with doubt, wondering at his compassionate demeanor.
But, no, his words, so contradictory of those previously spoken, could not be taken at face value now. “I don’t need you to hold me,” she insisted, shoving him away once more, unable to bear being in his arms any longer while knowing he didn’t feel as she did about their affair. “Leave me alone.”
“No,” he countered again, pulling her firmly into his embrace. “Perhaps I want to be held. I feared for your life today, you know.”
But Kitty continued to struggle against him, pushing her fists against his wounded shoulder, bringing a whoosh of pain to his lips and her own as well, when his arm wrapped around her bruised ribs. “Stop fighting me, would you? You’re just going hurt us both.”
“Then just let go of me!”
Jack’s arms tightened about her. “No, just calm down now. Stop it! I’m only trying to help!”
“It’s that simple to you men, isn’t it?” Rage built up in Kitty and she suddenly felt as if she were about to explode. “Why is it that I must always be the one who gives in to you? What makes your wishes so much more important than mine? I hate to be the one to tell you this, but just because you are a man, you are not a god!”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I’m just trying to comfort you.”
“By forcing it on me? What if I don’t want your help?”
“If I didn’t help, you’d still be tied up in that loft!” Jack released her so quickly Kitty fell back against the mattress. When he reached out to steady her, she almost growled at him. “See?”
“Just because I needed your help doesn’t give you reason to override my wishes, Jack!” Just because I am a woman doesn’t mean that I don’t know what’s best for me! That I can’t do or have what I want! You’ve got everything you want now, including a body to warm your bed, and think that’s just how it should be because you’re the Earl of Haddington.” Kitty blathered on, tears blending with her anger until Jack didn’t know whether she was sad, mad or a raving lunatic. “I ask you, what have I gotten?”
“I didn’t ask for your money, Kitty! I don’t even want it anymore!” he growled. “And I must remind you that you offered your body!”
“And what was I thinking?” she threw out at him. “I thought that we would have a wonderful, affectionate, long-term love affair, Jack! I thought we were…” she gasped, cutting off her own train of thought. “But already you’re dissatisfied, aren’t you? Am I not enough for you? Am I not good enough to keep your attentions? Do I just not have enough experience to compare?” Kitty jerked away with a sob, ashamed she had voiced the hurt that had ravaged her over the past day. She thought their lovemaking had been beyond words, yet to have him voice his dissatisfaction so blandly! Apparently, he was ready to move on. It wounded her vanity to the core, to say nothing of her heart. “So you’re done then, and ready to move on? Fine! Go! But know I will do what I want, when I want, from now on!”
Where was all this coming from? He wanted only to comfort her. If she would only take a moment to think, surely she would realize he wasn’t trying to dominate her or dismiss her because of her gender. “What has got into you? You’re being irrational.”
“Irrational?!” she cried. “I don’t get irrational! Just ask anyone!”
“Well, you’re being irrational now! If you just calm down…” Jack started to argue, but snapped his mouth shut when she poked a finger into his chest.
“Stop telling me what to do! You are not my master!”
“Christ Almighty, Kitty,” Jack reached out to her again, but she rolled away from him, slipping off the opposite side of the bed to face him. With her arms akimbo, hair tousled and eyes snapping with fury, Jack was momentarily distracted from their argument. By God, but she was a beautiful lass. A beautiful, infuriating, confusing lass! The woman had a temper! He would be willing to wager six weeks ago Kitty would never have dreamed of arguing with him or anyone else, fearing reprisal or punishment, and yet look at her now! Ready to stand her ground even if it seemed she was hanging on the edge of insanity. She had taken on Wallis without blinking an eye, berated him heartily at the theater, and now looked prepared to fight Jack to the death.
While he was unexpectedly proud of her for coming into her own, he wanted scream back in frustration, for he didn’t really need her temper directed at him when all he was trying to do was help her. “What do you want from me, Kitty?”
There were so many things she wanted from Jack that for a moment Kitty drew a blank. While gentlemanly Jack might give her anything else she asked for, she knew his love was the one thing she would be
denied. “I want you to understand I don’t need a man to tell me what I can do, what I should do or what’s best for me. I can do that all on my own. If I say I want to be alone, leave me alone! From now on, no man will ever tell me what to do, and if you can’t understand that then I’m done with you, Jack!” She took a deep, shaking breath and released it with a defeated sigh. “Done.”
“Well, woman, I’m going to tell you one more thing, whether you like it or not!” he grouched as he pulled his dressing gown back on.
“Oh, do tell.” She raised an arched brow.
“I am not in the least bit done with you, yet. Not by a long shot!” Jack turned and stalked out, leaving her frowning in bewilderment behind him.
Chapter 35
“My God, but she is a stubborn female!” Jack complained to his friend as they rode along the rocky coastline of Newport a few mornings later, thankful they were here by the shore and not in the city. New York had closed in on the two Scots much as a too tight cravat tended to suffocate. Used to wide country spaces or even the low-level skyline of Edinburgh, New York had crowded them uncomfortably while they were there. One of the few sources of relief available to them in the few days they had been there had been the open lawns and wide pathways of the Central Park, where they found a peaceful retreat several hours a day. Newport, with its ocean breeze, was much more to their liking, despite the heat.
Kitty was yet refusing to talk to him, refusing to allow him into her bed, all because of her own ridiculous dispute. Did she not see how insane her argument was? It was a man’s duty to protect and shelter. To ease pain where he could. Surely, she could understand that. Still she was unrelenting, and he was being driven to near madness by her obstinacy.
Glenrothes merely shrugged as they slowed to a trot. “If my understanding of your argument is correct, I believe a simple apology would suffice. Tell her what you meant.”
“I tried!” he insisted. “She didn’t listen.” Jack thought back over the incidents of the past week, knowing therein lay the key to the entire problem. It had all gone wrong somewhere between their first night together and when he had saved Kitty from Hayes and his henchmen, but when, exactly, he wasn’t sure. The situation had been well in hand until Hayes had confessed his evil deed. Kitty had been so down-trodden by Hayes’ confession, her body battered. Then had come her unwarranted temper tantrum. Surely, it was simply misplaced anger and grief but, as a result, she had been avoiding him for the past couple days. Oh, she was ‘recuperating’. A valid excuse, given the rainbow of bruises that mottled her face, but how long would that last?
He knew he could easily persuade her back into his bed if he persisted! Jack realized he should be content with that. It was what he really wanted from her, after all. The cold shoulder she continued to present to him had started to annoy for deeper reasons than those he cared to examine but, on the surface, he knew he missed her. He felt as if he had lost a friend. But none of his friends would ever behave so erratically. It was driving him to the edge of insanity.
And then, there was the issue with the money. After rescuing Kitty, he had wired his agent in Scotland to access the funds Jensen had set up for him, pay off the creditors and begin bringing Glen Sannox House back to life. The gift Kitty had given him was saving his life, his property. Saving him from the necessity of marriage until the day came when he required an heir for the title. But now, it all felt wrong. Kitty would have told him it was only his pride at work once more, but Jack knew he shouldn’t have allowed it, despite her assurances that she wouldn’t miss it – and he did clearly understand she would not miss such a trifling percentage of her inheritance!
Still, he felt a compelling urge to give it all back. Though he couldn’t return the entire amount, Jack already notified his agent to be as thrifty as possible, intent on giving back as much as he could and paying back the rest when he was able. It chafed upon him to spend it while she was put out with him. If things hadn’t changed, it might have been all right, but now?
“Why should I apologize at all? I did nothing wrong! I saved her life! I tried to comfort her!” Haddington snorted in frustration, getting back to the problem at hand. “I have nothing to apologize for!”
“Nothing of which you are aware. I’m sure Kitty feels there is something.” His friend leveled him a patronizing grin. “It’s your job as a man to apologize.”
“But I did nothing wrong!”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“But she’s the one–”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“But–”
“Doesn’t matter,” Francis interrupted with a humorous shake of his head as he pulled to stop, compelling Jack to stop as well. “Do you truly know so little of women, Merrill?”
Jack drew back in affront. “I know women very well.”
“I’m not talking about how to please them in bed,” his friend clarified. “I’m talking about how to please them out of it. Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter at all whether you think you were wrong or not. She does.”
“But…”
“Don’t try to argue about it or justify yourself. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing you can do to change her mind about it,” Francis went on. “Clearly Kitty is emotional right now. She has been divorced, kidnapped, and found out her husband murdered her father, all within a week. She surely feels anger and guilt she is unable to cope with, so she is lashing out at you. Why you? Who knows? I understand your point of view, old man, I truly do. I, too, would take whatever steps I felt necessary to protect, comfort or shield Eve…hell, even Fiona, from anything I felt might upset or hurt them. But Kitty is proving herself to be a stubborn lass. I would wager she’ll not relent until she hears an apology.”
“I still don’t understand why I should have to apologize for doing something any decent man would do,” Jack said stubbornly.
Francis merely shook his head. “Don’t be obtuse. You know as well as I your desire to comfort her probably had little to do with it. You need to discover what the problem is.”
“How am I to do that? She won’t even speak to me,” Jack argued. “I’m not a bloody clairvoyant, MacKintosh!”
Glenrothes merely laughed and kicked his mount back into a trot. “I’d find a way, old man, for I doubt this will be the last argument you ever have. These American woman are like our own highland lassies, they like to have a measure of control. Look at Eve and me, for example. You might think we never disagree, but we do. I want what I want. She wants her own way. We’ve had our share of fights already, about everything from household and estate issues to how to raise her son and the child we have on the way. But with time, our goals often become the same and when they do not, we compromise.”
“Sounds like too much trouble for me.”
“Ah, there are rewards to every conflict.” Francis’ eyes gleamed as a smile of a different sort lightened his features. “Making up is often the best part of a fight.”
“You are getting that look again that tends to make me ill,” Jack grimaced. “I think you and Richard are perhaps so well bound to the leash by which your wives hold you that you are more often led than the leader.”
“I think you merely read love and caring for a lady in the wrong light,” Francis argued. “It’s not as if you haven’t done the same for Kitty. You followed her around the ship for two weeks like a devoted hound.”
Jack looked appalled by such a notion. “I say! That is uncalled for! I was merely trying to be available to her if she needed a friend. She is in mourning, you know? It had nothing to do with anything as absurd as loving. I don’t love her.”
“Don’t you?” Glenrothes raised a questioning brow, his tone clearly relating his skepticism.
“I don’t.”
“You just want to protect her, comfort her, out of…friendship?”
“That’s right.” The expression of amused tolerance remained on Francis’ face, prompting Jack to continue, “I told you before, MacKintosh, I have nothing el
se to offer the lass that she doesn’t have anyway. Look at that house!” He gestured to the mansion in the distance as a reminder. MacKintosh remained silent, mocking until Jack couldn’t stand it any longer and spurred his horse into a gallop, leaving Francis laughing behind him.
“Take her flowers when you apologize!” his friend called after him.
Chapter 36
Never apologize for showing feeling.
When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Out on her favorite bench along the Cliff Walk, Kitty watched the waves crash against the rocks below, thinking her life was as jumbled as the waters right now. The anger Jack roused in Kitty diminished very quickly as she lay abed, allowing her body to heal from Freddie’s assault. He was right about her temper. It had indeed been irrational and like nothing she was used to. She hadn’t thought about it before, such as when she had berated that Wallis fellow in Edinburgh, but it wasn’t until she had been freed from Hayes and gained self-confidence that she ever dared to fight back like she had in the early years of her marriage.
Lying in bed had given her a lot of time to think, to replay her encounters with Jack and to reanalyze what had happened. She realized Jack had not been the one she was truly angry with, hurt as she had been by his callous comments regarding their affair. It had been Freddie and his actions and that loss of control that had prompted her rage. Her ex-husband had stolen a life from her and her family. He had taken more than her life away – another realization she made after seven years of marriage – and he had taken her father as well. She hadn’t a chance to control any of that.
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