“I want that, too!” she insisted. “I love you dearly, Harry.”
But Harry just shook his head ruefully. “I know you do, Moira, but it isn’t that kind of love though I hoped it might be one day.” When Moira started to argue, he shook his head. “We will need to deal with this first, I think. Make sure.”
“I am sure!” she stomped her foot insistently, bringing a broad, gorgeous smile to the marquis’ face.
“You’re so stubborn,” he laughed. “Makes me wonder why you aren’t willing to fight harder for what you really want.”
“You’re impossible!” Moira pouted. “I know my own mind!”
Harry grinned and bent to brush a soft kiss on her lips. “We’ll see about that. Off with you now.”
“Harry?” her voice stopped him as he turned away. “Thank you.”
“For…?”
“For being the dearest friend I have ever known.”
“More so even then…?” he nodded his head back toward the parlor, remembering how she had always spoken of Vincent MacKintosh with those same words.
Moira nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “Aye, I think so.”
“You love him still, though. Admit it.”
It consumes me. I had almost forgotten how much, she thought but stubbornly shook her head.
As if he could read her thoughts, Harrison smiled ruefully. “Shall I see you in the morning then?”
She agreed and watched her hopes for the future walk out the door.
Damn!
Chapter 7
What can I know? What ought I to do? What can I hope?
- Immanuel Kant
That night
Moira laid back on her bed before dinner that night staring blankly at the canopy above her as she often did when she was lost in thought. She thought of Harry, who she wanted badly to love, and of Vincent, who she wanted so badly to love her. Why couldn’t love be simple? You are loved, so you love. You love and are loved in return. But, no, it seemed she couldn’t have either one of those things no matter how hard she might try or how long she might wait. And she had waited for years.
When Vin first ran off to join the Scots Guards with Jason and Richard, Moira was furious. The four of them – she, Abby, Eve and Kitty – were all attending the Folkestone Academy for Young Ladies together in England when Moira received a telegram from her father with the news. Moira convinced Abby that they must go after the lads who were on their way to London to buy their commissions. They must find them and stop them!
Like Moira, Abby had been in love with Richard MacKintosh for years. It hadn’t taken much to lure her into a plan to chase after that love. The lads were to stop in Ascot to watch the races on their way into Town. Since the academy they attended was just five miles from Ascot, Moira formulated a plan to go after them there. Of course, Abby protested that ladies of quality did not attend public horse racing unescorted, but Moira planned for them to dress up as young men and go anyway!
It started as such a lark! Moira swaggered cockily through the spectators while Abby crept more hesitantly behind, looking more like a small boy than a man in her male attire. But Moira abandoned her cautious friend the moment she saw Jason and Vin at the track, racing after them only to have them laugh at her and brush off her lectures and concerns before sending her away. She never got the chance to tell Vin she loved him as she hoped to. Such a wild, reckless girl she had been!
After leaving them, she found out that while pursuing Richard, Abby had been trampled by a startled horse and injured so badly thoughts of the lads were banished while Abby struggled for her life. The trio were gone from England’s shores before those thoughts returned.
After that incident, she was expelled and sent home. Moira turned her attention to keeping her brother and ‘friend’ up-to-date on all that occurred in her small corner of Scotland. She wrote them both everyday and received frequent letters in return. When they came home to visit on their brief furloughs, she would ride with them both, enjoying their company and brotherly affections but Moira always dreamed that those tame emotions would change in Vin as she grew older. She prayed he would come to love her as much as she loved him.
Numerous gentlemen courted her those first five years. She was proposed to again and again but had always said ‘no’. Determined she would have Vincent MacKintosh or no one at all!
However, the years came and went. Moira may have grown from awkward girl to a woman, but Vin hardly noticed. Their ‘friendship’ grew strong but there was never anything more even while he flirted with other women. Most especially Geena Campbell, a local viscount’s daughter who had always been the bane of Moira’s existence. In fact, on his last furlough six years ago before their regiment left for Burma, Vin actually questioned why she hadn’t yet married.
Moira could remember that moment as if it were yesterday. They had just finished a dance at the small ball her father threw to honor Jason before his departure. That dance with Vin was her first waltz. She denied every man who ever asked to join her in it because she wanted to wait for Vin to share it with her.
At twenty-one years of age, she had waited for years and it was well worth it. He grinned down at her with his winning smile, teased her throughout the set and then escorted her to the terrace…a quiet stroll in the moonlight.
That was to have been the moment. Their moment! Moira had been so sure that Vin would finally see her as the woman she had become. See her as more than a friend. That he would realize himself a fool for not seeing before how they belonged together. That he loved her as much as she loved him!
Instead, they stood in the moonlight while Vin made her feel more the fool.
He turned to her, put his hands on her shoulders, and looked down into her shining eyes. Her heart beat so wildly she thought it would burst from expectation waiting for him to bend his head and kiss her. She was on the verge of lifting herself on her toes to complete the deed on her own, when instead he spoke.
“You know, you’re twenty-one years old, lovey.”
“How terribly rude of you to remind me, Vin.”
“What I meant is, how is it that you’re twenty-one years old and have not yet married?”
“How is it that you’re twenty-six and unmarried?” she shot back.
“Truly, lovey, I’m curious.”
Moira shrugged offhandedly. “Perhaps no one has asked me.”
“Why that cannot be true. You are a beautiful lass. Surely you’ve had many offers.”
Moira quirked an eyebrow at Vin skeptically. Other than the fact that he had just told her – for the first time – that he thought her beautiful, there was really not much to recommend the line of this conversation. It continually amazed her that he seemed to have no idea how she felt about him! That when he flirted and made a cake of himself over Geena Campbell, she was devastated! How could he not see any of this when most everyone else could? Could he truly be so blind? “Then perhaps the right man has not yet asked.”
“The right man? Then there is someone you favor? Who is it?” Vin toyed with her fingers playfully. “I shall have words with him and tell him that he would be a fool not to ask you to be his wife. Surely, he must know there is no other lass like you?”
Vincent had waited for her answer but Moira only stared at him, willing him to open his eyes and see what was right in front of him. But it wasn’t to be. “Are you waiting for the punch line?” he laughed instead and chucked her lightly on the chin.
With a sniff, Moira turned her shoulder to him and turned to gaze across the lawns. She knew he was puzzled by her action, but other than just telling him straight out that she loved him and no, not just as a friend, she didn’t know what to do. She knew he liked her, he had told her so. But it had always been closely followed by a comment on their friendship or about how important her letters were to him.
“I do not believe that I would have you say anything, Vin,” she said at length. “If he cannot see on his own, I do not believe that anyone could remove t
he blinders from his eyes.”
“So you will not tell him?”
“Tell him?”
“That you love him?”
Moira turned away and blinked rapidly against the rush of tears that came to her eyes. “What makes you think that I am in love?”
Vincent wrapped his arms around her middle and pulled her back snugly against his chest. He rested his chin comfortably on top of her head and swayed her slightly side to side. “What makes me think you are in love, dear Moira? Am I not closer to you than any other is? Are we not the closest of friends? I can see it in you, lovey!” he whispered. “It is on your face and in your eyes. Why do you not reveal it?”
Moira closed her eyes against the emotion that flooded her. For a moment, she savored his warm embrace then turned in his arms and looked up into his eyes for a long moment. All her hopes and, yes, love were in her eyes. Waiting in vain. She moved away from him with a careless shrug that was becoming a signature move with him to hide the despair inside. “No, Vin. I will not reveal it. Ever. You can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make him drink.”
Moira flung an arm over her eyes to erase the memory even as her heart tightened painfully and tears sprung to her eyes. That was the last time she had seen him before finding him in the room below. Funny, how easy it had been to forget those disheartening moments. How could she have forgotten a lifetime of disappointments? For years, she only remembered the love she had felt…still felt. She dismissed all the reminders that her love was utterly one-sided.
Now Vin had returned and all those memories flooded back as well. One after another. Perhaps it was just as well that he had never been aware of her affections. At least she could still face him without the shame and humiliation of an outright rejection between them. Vincent had been confounded that night when Moira had fled back into the ballroom but he hadn’t known. He had never known.
The thick-skulled dolt.
There was a quick knock on her door before it opened and Eve’s voice cut through her misery. “Moira, whatever are you doing lying there like that? You’re going to crush your gown!”
Moira peeked out from under her arm to find her friend glowering at her with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. “I don’t think I’ll come down for dinner tonight, Evie.”
“Nonsense!”
“Truly, everyone will want private time with Vin and…”
“Get up, Moira!” Eve commanded sternly, for she knew exactly what was going through her friend’s mind. Moira might think avoidance would solve all her problems but Eve knew better. The sooner Moira faced Vin, the sooner she could move on with the life she’d put on hold all those years ago. While Eve hoped it would be the life Moira longed for or not, hiding out from Vin wasn’t going to provide her the answers she needed. “If you think for one moment that I’m going to allow such cowardice from you, you’ve got another think coming! Now get up!”
“Evie, really!” Moira protested, even as Eve grabbed her hand and tried to haul her bodily to her feet. “Stop, please remember you just had a baby! You shouldn’t be lifting anything, especially me!”
“Then get up so I don’t have to!”
Moira pulled herself up in defeat but only sat on the edge of the bed. “Why, Evie? Why should I even bother?”
Eve sat down on the bed as well and slipped an arm around her friend. “Moira, I have known you for many, many years. You are the most stubborn, willful woman I have ever known and I mean that in the best possible way, but this is getting out of hand! You allowed yourself to be confined to the farthest reaches of the Highlands for years to avoid marriage to any man besides Vin MacKintosh. Oh, don’t try to deny it! You might say that your father or grandfather wouldn’t allow you a Season, but I know that you’ve had both of them wrapped around your finger since you were a baby. It’s only been this past year that you’ve realized you want more out of life and were willing to come out and find it.”
“I just wanted to make a life for myself,” Moira insisted, hating the hesitancy and trepidation that were eating her alive. “I’ve been so…”
“Lonely?” Eve finished and Moira offered a hesitant nod. “Of course you have, dear! You weren’t meant to be alone, even stubbornly alone. But you have a real chance here to change all that.”
“I’ve told you before, Vin doesn’t feel that way about me,” Moira argued.
“I saw enough today to make me think otherwise,” Eve told her. “And I can’t believe the Moira MacKenzie I know isn’t going to finally fight for what she wants!”
This sentiment so closely echoed what Harry said earlier that Moira finally lifted her head and considered her friend thoughtfully. It was true enough that her status in Vin’s mind was the one thing in her life that Moira had never taken proactive steps to change. Other than that day at Ascot when she’d been determined to confess all, she always just hoped, wished, and faithfully anticipated that he would one day feel the same.
Eve was right! This was so unlike her.
In truth, Vin had no idea how she truly felt about him. How she had felt all these years. She was his best friend’s little sister, after all. Perhaps Vin wouldn’t or couldn’t consider her romantically much in the way that Richard had denied what he felt for Abby for so long simply because she was Jack’s little sister.
However, there had been that time when she’d caught him looking down her neckline with some appreciation, her mind argued as it wandered back picking out those moments that had encouraged her. He saw her as a woman once, if ever so briefly.
But, the devil on her shoulder replied, perhaps he’d been embarrassed or ashamed of those thoughts. Vin had been very close to Jason for many years. He wouldn’t want to cause strife or strain to that friendship, so it followed that he wouldn’t flirt or toy with Jason’s sister. Especially when Jason had been a very protective brother. Was it possible Vin felt more than he let on? She asked the question of Eve.
“I think it’s very possible,” Eve assured her. “Recall when Richard told us that even when he realized that he was in love with Abby that he felt he shouldn’t act on those feelings lest he offend Jack? I’m not saying Vin has harbored romantic thoughts for you in the past, but perhaps he didn’t look on you in such a fashion because of who you were, namely his closest friend’s baby sister. That might not be the case now.”
“Do you think after all this time it might truly be possible for him to look on me as more than that?” Moira asked for more confirmation.
“Why wouldn’t it be possible?” was Eve’s firm rebuttal. “You are a beautiful, intelligent woman, Moira. Any number of men have seen that this past year. Aylesbury has seen it and if Vincent MacKintosh is such a fool that he can’t see you as a woman grown now, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway. You may go to Aylesbury with my blessing, but you must give Vin a chance, don’t you think? Don’t you both deserve one last chance?”
She wanted the chance, Moira admitted to herself. As much as one part of her wanted to flee Edinburgh at Aylesbury’s side in desperate avoidance, there was another part of her that still clung to the hope that Vin might love her one day. She was torn between the two. One safe. One risking heartbreak and humiliation. Perhaps Eve was right. Just one more chance to see what might have been and what still might be.
“I will try, but I can’t just tell him, Evie,” Moira told her. “I could never humiliate myself like that.”
“No, but you can hint strongly.” Eve’s lips twitched mischievously. “And perhaps a hint of what he’s been missing might be in order as well.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning if you want him to think of you as a woman and not a child any longer perhaps you should show him.”
“Show him?” Moira parroted with a puzzled frown.
Eve drew Moira to her feet and surveyed the gown she wore, a conservative gown of apricot silk with a modest neckline. Shaking her head, Eve went to Moira’s dressing room and returned a few moments later carrying a peaco
ck blue taffeta dinner gown. It was a new Worth gown from their trip to Paris. The taffeta was sparsely covered in black velvet floral cutouts and wide bands of inset black lace that trailed down from the tightly fitted bodice to the long sweeping skirts and train. The lines of the gown were long and simple in the newest fashion. There were delicate black lace sleeves and some lace around the neckline as well, but the bodice was very low. The gown would flatter Moira’s outrageous figure and coloring perfectly but Moira had never had the gumption to wear it so daring was the cut and neckline.
Moira’s eyes widened as she took in Eve’s knowing grin. “Do you think…?”
Eve nodded enthusiastically, adding, “And I have the most perfect sapphire necklace to go with it.”
“You mean the big one that sits right between…?” Moira pointed with a finger.
“That’s the one! Come let’s get you changed!”
Moira nodded. Yes, perhaps it was time she took matters into her own hands.
Chapter 8
I don't need a friend who changes when I change
and who nods when I nod;
my shadow does that much better.
- Plutarch
“Vincent MacKintosh! What do you think you are doing?”
Lying back on his bed where he spent the last two hours staring at the ceiling, Vin turned to find a fiery angel scolding him from the doorway.
Good God, if he thought Moira looked beautiful that afternoon, it was nothing compared to the way she looked now! Her auburn locks were gathered loosely on top of her head with little spirals hanging down to tickle her white shoulders. Those soft, white shoulders were left bared by whimsical black lace sleeves that hung off their edges. The paleness of her skin contrasted with the brilliant blue gown she wore, which caught the light of the fire highlighting just how tightly it was wrapped about her.
Questions for a Highlander Page 94
