Damn the ghosts that wouldn’t leave him!
The guilt that ravaged him every waking moment and most of his unconscious ones as well!
They were costing him his life in a way the past five years had never managed to do.
Somehow he had to find away to banish them so he might truly live again. He couldn’t lose everything for the past. He couldn’t live there any longer. What had suited him for a lifetime would not work for him any longer. He would have to take his chances, purge his soul of the guilt that was drowning him, killing him.
He couldn’t let Moira walk away from him like this without knowing the truth of it all.
Vin would have to take his chances.
And hope.
Vin left the sitting room to find Jamie leaning back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest and one foot bent and propped against the wall. He whistled in amazement when Vin came out, a suggestive leer marring his handsome face. “Guess now I know now you took care of it, eh, big brother? Shagging Moira, are you?”
Vin grabbed his brother by the lapels, pulling him forward before slamming him back against the paneling never considering that his younger sibling was much heavier than he. “Don’t! Don’t ever again use that look when you talk about her, do you understand me? Show her respect!”
“Like you’re doing?” James returned and didn’t have time to dodge the fist that connected with his jaw. He straightened and stared at Vin. “What the fook?” Vin swung again, this time an uppercut that slammed his brother’s head back against the wall.
James wrapped his arms around Vin’s midsection and turned letting Vin feel his back to the wall with enough force to shake the sconces. “What? You don’t like anyone talking bad about your fair lassie or you’re just itching for a good fight? You’ve been wanting to have a go at the lot of us since you got back, haven’t you? Well, let’s go then, brother!”
Vin felt Jamie’s fist connect with his stomach knocking the wind out of him and gave a mental laugh at himself. Aye, he’d been angry and frustrated with everything and everyone since his return. Angry with them for changing, angry with himself for not staying the same. Angry over how the past was costing him the future.
And he took it all out on Jamie, poor lad.
Vin might have lost the bodily mass he’d once carried, but he met his brother blow for blow. He took hard hits but delivered many that had Jamie staggering. After taking Jamie’s fist to his gut, Vin charged his brother tackling him to the ground, gaining the upper hand. He straddled him delivering another blow to Jamie’s cheek before Jamie tossed him off and dove on top of him to take his turn.
“You’re shaking the chandeliers below!” Abby’s voice rang out as she pushed between them. “Bloody hell, haven’t I seen enough of this behavior from the lot of you over the years? Ten boys! What was your mother thinking? And nearly every day I catch one or another of you falling on each other like a pack of hounds fighting over table scraps!” The picture of tiny Abby wading between the pair of men and pushing them apart would have made any onlooker laugh. They might have even choked on it when she grabbed them each by the ear, pulling them away from each other grumbling, “Can’t you boys ever just talk things out? Must it always be fisticuffs?”
“Oww, Abby!” James howled, holding his ear.
“And you, Jamie,” she let go, waving a finger at him. “Didn’t I just pull you off Connor a few days ago?”
“Jesu, woman!” James rubbed his ear with a scowl. “Ye ‘bout pulled it off that time.”
“Perhaps you shouldn’t fight then.”
“More likely I just shouldn’t fight around you,” he grunted. “You fight dirtier than any of the lads.”
Abby bit back a laugh. “Go, Jamie. Shoo! Go find your Mrs. Ross and ask her to kiss it for you.” As James walked away still rubbing his ear, Abby turned to Vin who was bent over with his hands on his knees panting heavily. “What were you thinking? He has at least three stone on you right now!”
Vin looked up, wiping the blood trickling from his lip with the back of his hand. “I have no idea what I was thinking.” A wide grin parted his lips then and he chuckled. “Bugger me, but I think now I finally truly feel like I’m a part of this bloody family again!”
Abby stared at her brother-in-law in amazement then threw up her hands. “Men!”
Chapter 37
It is difficult to know at what moment love begins;
it is less difficult to know that it has begun.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The morning had been a long, quiet one in the Glenrothes household with everyone avoiding the other in hopes that the conflict would simply work its way out. Vin had risen late after sleeping like the dead, so exhausted from the night of dancing and fighting even his demons were too fatigued to plague him.
His head was thick and aching, but he knew what he’d have to do and soon. He couldn’t have Moira hate him without giving her a reason to do so. At least then, when it was all out at last, he could walk away from her knowing there wasn’t anything he could do. Moira would be glad to see his back then as he left. Vin knew he would be leaving his soul behind when that happened.
Pacing the drawing room, he wondered where she was. He hadn’t seen her or anyone else for that matter. He was just thinking that he would have to go in search of her when a gruff, thickly-accented voice broke the silence of the room. “I hear ye dinnae want tae marry my daughter.”
Vin nearly pounded his head against the mantle in frustration. Now?
Bracing himself for the worse, Vin turned and faced Jamie MacKenzie with a grimace. That expression compounded itself when he found Moira’s grandfather, Neill Mercea, standing at his side. The years compounded by the tragic loss of their only male heir had not been kind to the pair. They both looked haggard and tired beyond their years. The marquis even leaned heavily on his cane prompting Vin to offer them both a seat near the fire.
MacKenzie stood firm, but with a heavy sigh, Mercea hobbled over to a chair and eased himself down. “Come, Jamie. Sit! The lad’s nae going anywhere.”
With a huff, Moira’s father moved into the room and waited until Vin joined them before he took a seat. Stalling for time, Vin offered them both whiskey. Both accepted and after Vin poured and delivered their drinks, they sat in the fire’s warmth letting the alcohol seep its own heat into them.
Vin did not know what to say to them. Both had treated him like a son for the better part of his life and he had looked up to them with love since he was a child. He didn’t want to disappoint them any more than he would his own sire. But how could he explain his reasons to them? How could he make them understand why he could not marry Moira?
“Sirs, you know I am very fond of Moira,” Vin began already wincing at the stilted words. “I grew up with her and have always thought of her as a sister.”
“Is that why ye were caught kissing her senseless in the middle of a public ball?” Mercea grunted choking back a cough that sounded suspiciously like a laugh to Vin though the old man’s expression remained serious.
“Moira is a very beautiful woman,” Vin said carefully. “I have tried very hard to keep our relationship as platonic as possible but sometimes…”
“Why?” Mackenzie interrupted.
“Sir?”
“Why have ye tried to keep yer relationship a platonic one?” he demanded.
Vin shook his head, uncertain where this was going. Surely, the two men should be angrier than they were. Vin ruined Moira in the eyes of Society, refused to marry her and yet they appeared more…curious than mad. “I think Jason would have been most put out if I pursued his sister. If he knew I had desirous designs on her person. He would have beaten me senseless if he were here.”
“He might have,” Mercea allowed with a nod.
“Simply on principle,” MacKenzie added with a grunt and a reluctant smile. “If we were nae so old, we might do the same. But when it was over, Jason would have done the same thing we
would do.”
“And that is?”
“Welcome ye tae the family wi’ open arms as a true brother and son.” Moira’s father said with a smile.
“I think you underestimate Jason’s temper,” Vin argued. “He would have killed anyone who laid a finger on Moira. He might have allowed me to live just for our years of friendship. Looking back, I know that’s why I always looked at Moira only as a friend.”
“But ye needn’t do that any longer,” MacKenzie retorted. “We’ve always been very fond of ye, Vin. Ye’ve been another son in our fold and we would be verra happy tae embrace that connection fully.”
“Plus, Moira has been in love with ye since she was a wee lass,” Mercea continued. “I should very much like her tae finally have what she wants, considering she has waited so long for ye.”
Vin’s heart seemed to pause painfully for a moment before it raced at those words. “Moira told me even years ago that there was but one man she had ever loved. He was the reason she never wed. She tried to convince me last night that she meant me, but surely it wasn’t the truth.”
“Aye, it was, ye thick-skulled dolt,” Mercea blustered in a brogue so thick that Vin could barely make out the words. “Of course, she was talking about ye. Good god, son, did ye never wonder? Did ye never guess it? She followed ye around like a puppy her whole life. She never accepted a proposal. Wouldnae even dance a waltz wi’ another ‘cause she wanted ye tae be the first one. She ne’er wed for love of ye, lad!”
“No! I could never be so blind!” Vin denied. “She loved me like a brother. She always told me that she loved another.” Vin’s mind raced through his memories replaying those conversations. Then the lecture Moira had given him the previous night. Sung Li had been right. Vin lived his life always looking beyond the moment he was in. Looking back. Looking forward. He’d never seen what was right in front of him. “Bugger me!” he swore under his breath. “But even if I had known, I wouldn’t have done anything. I couldn’t. Despite what you think, Jason would never have forgiven me.”
“Aye, he was a rash lad,’ MacKenzie nodded. “I hate tae admit it, but he was. He would have been all spit and fire if he’d been the one tae catch ye kissing his sister. Probably would have challenged ye tae a good old-fashioned dual and actually tried tae kill ye. But he’d have come around, I think.”
“If he knew ye loved her,” Mercea added before eying Vin slyly. “Do ye, son? Do ye love our Moira?”
Vin’s heart pounded so loudly it was all he could hear. Moira loved him. Had loved him for years and he had never known, never saw it because he had placed her in his mind as sister and been determined to keep her there. Even when he’d noticed her blossoming into womanhood, he had crushed those flares of desire because of Jason. But he’d always been drawn to her. He always wanted to touch her so he would hold her hand or hold her in his arms. Brotherly embraces but contact nonetheless. Because, he loved to be near her. Loved to touch her, talk to her, laugh with her.
Years of correspondence had brought them even closer and when he finally returned, he was no longer able to deny the physical attraction she held for him. She was lovely and desirable. Funny, intelligent, caring and compassionate. She mattered to Vin more than anyone did, because, aye, he did love her.
What a fool he had been to live in denial all this time. Determined to keep his feelings as they ought to be, even when it was love of her that made him want to spare her.
The truth of it released a flood of feeling in him and he reeled from the admission. He had always loved her. Now he was in love with her. It was true. Everyone had been right. Why had he not been able to see it before? Why had he centered on the lust and refused to go beyond that?
Because he did not deserve her.
Despite the attraction and desire, the love, he had still failed her. She loved him and he loved her but the truth of the past hadn’t changed.
“It’s true, I love her,” he admitted in low tones to his waiting audience.
“Good then, that’s settled,” MacKenzie slapped his knee.
“But I cannot marry her,” Vin added. Pain pierced his heart but he knew he could not do it.
“Why th’ fook not?” Mercea bellowed pounding his cane on the floor.
Vin shook his head and dropped it into his hands. “Jace.”
Mercea’s face became mottled with growing frustration. “We already told ye Jason wouldnae care!”
MacKenzie raised a hand to halt his father-in-law. “I think I ken what the problem is here, Neill. Let me ask ye, son,” he directed this at Vin. “Did ye wonder how two old men got here so quickly when the scandal just broke yesterday?”
Vin raised his head.
“Do ye really think news travels that fast tae Old Klebreck tower?” the man chuckled. “The reason we’re here is because Moira wrote me over a week ago. She said she needed us here because ye needed us here.”
“Me?” Vin asked puzzled. “Why would she think I needed you?”
“She said ye needed someone who could understand ye. What ye had been through,” he clarified.
“Moira asked you to come here and talk to me?” Vin couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. He recalled that conversation the morning after his family had first come to dinner. Moira had kept insisting that he needed someone to talk to about his experience. Someone who could understand when he’d insisted that no one might because they hadn’t been through what he had. He glanced at the two old men sitting across from him and shook his head ruefully. So caring was his lovey that she just had to find someone for him to confide him.
But why these two?
MacKenzie must have been able to read the question on his face because he began, “Did ye ne’er wonder how two old men such as us ended up sharing a worn down castle in the farthest reaches of the Highlands?”
Vin admitted that the question had occurred to him before but he always assumed it was because of Moira’s mother.
Mercea, however, shook his head. “We met years before then. I was a second son. MacKenzie was as rebellious as his own son turned out tae be. We joined the cavalry. That’s where we met. I’d been in for a bit by the time Jamie joined. I was a major. He,” Mercea chuckled jerking his thumb at his son-in-law, “was just a lieutenant.”
“Dinnae take me too long to make captain,” MacKenzie grumbled. “We were sent tae Crimea. That’s where we met.”
“Aye, Crimea,” Mercea echoed and they both fell silent for a moment in remembrance sharing a look that Vin had seen on Jason’s face for several years and suddenly wondered if it was a look that Jason had seen on his. He could feel the pain in that look, it speared him through the chest, and the sting of tears sprang to his eyes before he blinked them back.
No one spoke for a long while as the two men sat thoughtfully reliving those moments. Then clearing his throat, MacKenzie continued. “It was an ugly power struggle. Everyone was fighting for a piece of the Ottoman Empire as it was falling apart. There were years of fighting. Sevastopol, Tchernaya, Balaklava. The whole thing was a muddle. Made a mockery of England’s armies and commanders. In Balaklava, we were under the Scots Grays under that sop Scarlett.”
“‘Course, he reported to Lucan,” Mercea interrupted.
“Aye,” MacKenzie spat into the fire. “Twas a calamity tae say the least. We saw good men dying all around us lost tae the abominable planning of the commanders. Hundreds of men killed or injured. Men still living but trapped under the bodies of the dead. We were among those taken prisoner.”
MacKenzie fell silent again staring into the fire before he shook his head and continued. “There were just three officers taken. Ye might have thought they’d treat us pretty well, but they dinnae. The Russians wanted that territory. They were determined tae have it even if that meant… Well, tae hear the Russians tell of it, they treated us all like kings, but that wasnae the way of it at all. Reporters who were nae even there had a more accurate description of it. When they couldnae get what they wanted
from the officers by ordinary methods – and I think ye’re well aware of what I mean by that, son – they picked off the rank and file one by one to get us tae talk. Finally, we were traded back, forced tae leave our comrades behind. Some of them never returned at all.”
The trio fell silent again as they mulled over his words.
“We came back home after that. I rambled about for a while at loose ends,” MacKenzie went on. “I couldnae get comfortable in my own skin. Couldnae care about anything. Finally, I heard Neill had been made marquis of Landsdowne after his brother died and I went tae visit him.”
“I’d been having the same troubles. Nightmares, embarrassing reactions tae loud noises – reminded me of the cannon fire, ye ken? No one liked me much at that point, I think,” Mercea told him. “Then Jamie shows up and we got tae talking about it all somehow. He ended up marrying my wee Gwynne. He was more than a score of years her senior, did ye know that?”
Vin remembered Jason and Moira’s mother only vaguely. She had died when they were both still young, but he did remember that she seemed young herself. She had probably never reached thirty. Jamie MacKenzie had been devastated by her death as had Mercea. Vin had always assumed that’s why they knocked around that old castle together, because of her. Now he knew that they were trying to tell him that it was for a different reason entirely. That having been through the same tragic experience together had given them a bond of friendship that went beyond the decade of disparity in their ages, beyond their love of Gwynne Mercea. Together they had mourned Jason and most likely remained in that pattern because of Moira, their common bond.
Mercea addressed that idea without prompting. “Dinnae really need tae stay there anymore. Past is the past and we’ve set it aside.”
MacKenzie nodded with a chuckle. “Just a bad habit these days. Of course, we’re so old now we stick together so that somebody will be around when we die.”
Mercea cleared his throat, “The point is, Moira thinks ye might be able to speak of yer troubles tae us knowing that we’ve seen what ye have. Experienced some of the same.”
Questions for a Highlander Page 116
