Richard grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. “I’m going to give Jerry a call,” he said and hobbled to his room.
“I guess there’s no slowing him down,” Mom said.
“Back to business as usual,” I said, helping her with the rest of the dishes.
“I’m gonna see what Leslie’s up to,” Jeremy said. He dropped his plate in the sink and disappeared from the kitchen.
“Business as usual,” Mom repeated. “How are things between you and your girlfriend?”
“Fine,” I said. I knew she meant Anna, but I immediately thought of Desiree.
“Okay. I guess you’re not in a sharing mood.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to share, it’s just that there’s not much to say right now.”
“Have you told her what happened? I know you don’t want to talk to me about it, even though it would make me feel a whole lot better. Or perhaps, you would feel more comfortable talking with Richard. It’s not good to suppress your memories and emotions. It’s better to talk about them. I don’t know what happened to you and Jeremy while you both were away because neither of you will tell me anything.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I just can’t. But I’m fine. We both are.”
“But how do I know that? How can I be sure? I’m your mother and I worry about you—both of you. You have no idea what it’s like to have a child disappear for several weeks, and then the other one for a couple days, only to have you both return home with no explanation. You say you’re fine and I’m not supposed to wonder? To worry? I’m not supposed to want what’s best for my two sons? I’d say I have a right to know everything that’s happened.”
“I haven’t told Anna what really happened.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, genuinely confused.
I sighed before continuing. “I kinda made up a story instead of telling her the truth. I’m not ready to talk about it, with her or anyone. But I had to tell her something.”
“You lied?” Mom sounded disappointed. “Haven’t I taught you better than that?”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I really want you to go talk to somebody. I know I mentioned it before, but how about the school counselor?”
I really didn’t want to talk to the school counselor, but what choice did I have, other than to just say yes, and then not go. “All right. I’ll go this week.”
“Thank you,” she said and leaned against the counter. “Now, what do you think the odds are that you can get Jeremy to go with you?”
“Not great.” But, just like with me, I could probably convince him to say he was going with me to meet with the counselor.
While we were both standing silently in the kitchen, neither one of us knowing what to say next, Jeremy emerged from his room and gave us an inquisitive look as he passed. “I’ll be home later.”
Mom barely had a chance to voice a response before he was out the door.
“Slim to none,” I said, retracting my last statement.
When Mom excused herself for a smoke, I retreated to my room. I hated always being the one put on the spot when Jeremy seemed to never have to explain himself. They never seemed to probe him for information and explanations like they did me.
My cell phone buzzed in my pocket, and I checked to see who was calling. I reluctantly decided to answer.
“Hey, Anna.”
“Hey, you. I was just thinking about you. What’re you up to?”
“Not much. Richard just got home from the hospital.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Are you up for doing anything today? I’ll totally understand if you’re not.”
I didn’t answer right away. The thought of returning to school tomorrow crept back into my head. It wasn’t safe to be alone with my thoughts right now. “Yeah, I think that’d be good.”
“I’m over at Desiree’s. Do you want to come over here? Eli’s here, too. We can all hang out.”
“Umm…”
“Or I can come over to your house, if you want. We can, you know, have some more quality alone time.”
Quality alone time at my house always consisted of supervised alone time, especially with both of my parents now home. But I couldn’t handle seeing Desiree and Anna together right now.
I put on the Elliott Smith T-shirt she’d gotten me for Christmas, which I had also worn to Eli’s New Year’s Eve show. When she arrived, she commented on it immediately.
“Are you going to wear it every time I see you?” Anna said, but giving me a bright smile. “Your nose is starting to look better.”
“Quite possibly,” I said and twirled like I was modeling something more than just a T-shirt. “It’s feeling better, too.” I felt the bridge of my nose just to make sure.
“You’re such a nerd. Do me a favor and at least wash it once in a while.”
I took my coat and led her into the backyard. We sat on the steps of my octagonal gazebo. She leaned her head on my shoulder and I traced lines on her open palm with my middle finger. She wasn’t crazy enough to soak her feet in the pool this time. It couldn’t have been more than 50 degrees in the sun. The shade from the roof of the gazebo made it necessary to huddle closer together, sharing our body heat.
Anna had been letting her hair grow out since I’d met her, except her bangs, which were now cut and swept to the right. Leaning her head on my shoulder, her bangs kept falling across her face. She would tuck them behind her ear, but they continued to escape from every slight movement or breeze.
“What are you thinking?” she asked after a few minutes of sitting silently together.
“My mom wants me to talk to the school counselor.”
“Is that such a bad thing? You seem more closed off since the incident in the ravine.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be,” I said.
“I know. But it’s probably still a good idea to talk to someone about what happened to you and Desiree. That and with everything that happened with your brother—you still haven’t talked about it.”
“It’s complicated.”
“It’s complicated,” Anna repeated. “That’s not how you open up. That’s not how you build a relationship. I hope you trust me enough to talk to me.”
“Jeremy ran away because he didn’t want to face the consequences of beating up those guys. I think he put Sasha in the hospital. Jeremy ran, but he didn’t go far. When he heard I was in the hospital, after being attacked in the ravine, he visited me. He soon realized it was better for him to come home and face whatever consequences he was trying to avoid.” I was coming up with the fabricated story one sentence at a time.
“I know it’s been hard.” Anna sandwiched my tracing hand between hers and kissed me softly on the cheek. “I think your mom’s right. It would be good for you to talk about this stuff to someone—to get it all sorted out in your head.”
“I know. I told my mom the same thing.”
Anna continued kissing me on the cheek and moved slowly to my ear. She playfully held my earlobe in her teeth. I turned my whole body toward her and met her glossy rose-pink lips with mine. With my free hand, I found her waist through her unzipped leather jacket.
My imagination couldn’t be trusted. I kept my eyes open, looking out toward the fence, so Desiree’s face wouldn’t creep into my head. It was such a strange and uncomfortable feeling because Anna was a beautiful and wonderful girl. This moment was as good as it could get; in Anna’s embrace with her hands and lips on me. Her eyes were accented with powder-blue eye shadow. Anna usually wore more makeup than Desiree, not in a cover-up or distracting sort of way, but in a way that highlighted and enhanced her natural beauty.
She pulled back and reopened her eyes. There was something different in them. It was as if she could see through me and saw everything I was hiding. I leaned in to kiss her more, and after a few seconds, she pulled away again.
“I love you,” she whispered, as if she was embarra
ssed to say it.
“I—I love you, too,” I stuttered. I thought I had felt guilty before, but it was nothing compared to what I felt now. I loathed myself. I shouldn’t even have answered her, but I was so taken off guard and didn’t want to hurt her feelings. What else was I supposed to say?
The smile on her face said it all. She kissed me as passionately as our first kiss on the night of Desiree’s Halloween party. Then she wrapped her arms around my neck and nuzzled her head on my shoulder.
“I was so afraid you didn’t feel the same way. I’ve never said that to a boy before. I’m still shaking. Can you feel it?”
“No. You feel as confident as ever.”
“Only on the outside,” she said.
We sat there quietly holding each other for a few minutes.
It felt as though someone’s hands were around my neck, choking the life out of me, but it wasn’t Kafka. It was the lie. It hurt to breathe. I could not go on lying to Anna. It was hard before, but now it was impossible. Here she was giving me all of her trust and faith, and I was giving her nothing.
“Anna…there’s something I have to tell you.”
“You can tell me anything,” she said, lifting her head off my shoulder and giving my cheek another gentle kiss. She took my hands in hers and ran a thumb across the back of my hand—and over Desiree’s tattoo handiwork. Suddenly, she noticed the thick ink peeking through the cuff of my coat sleeve. Pulling up the sleeve, she freed the whole band that was once a wolf-head tattoo. She hadn’t noticed it on New Year’s Eve. “What’s this?”
I sighed. “I’ll get to that. Okay, here goes. It’s about what happened to Jeremy. And about what happened to Desiree and me in the ravine—or what didn’t happen—and this fake tattoo. They’re all actually related—”
The back sliding door opened and Eli strolled into the backyard. I tensed up immediately.
“Your mom let me in and told me you guys were out here. I hope that’s okay,” Eli said.
“Of course,” I said.
“Is Desiree here, too?” Anna asked.
“Nope, just me…with a singing telegram.” Eli stopped right in front of us. At that moment, Anna didn’t exist to him. He was fully concentrated on me.
“What?” Anna asked, but she didn’t move.
I began to get up, but before I was fully standing, I was met with a right hook across the face. I fell back into the gazebo. Anna screamed at Eli, completely confounded with what was happening.
At least he hadn’t connected with my nose.
“This doesn’t make us even!” he snarled and stormed away, leaving me with the responsibility of explaining what had just happened to Anna.
I had already decided to provide a more truthful explanation, but one that could have hopefully spared our relationship. There was very little hope for that now.
Anna’s yelling alerted Mom and Richard inside, and Mom quickly appeared at the sliding glass door. “What’s going on out here?”
“I’m sorry for the mess,” Eli said indifferently, marching toward the side gate, and presumably home to Desiree. She had crumbled first and I was left with all the unsalvageable pieces.
11
Square One
I got right to the point and told Anna that Desiree and I had kissed, though I failed to mention it had been multiple times. She didn’t give me a chance to explain and didn’t want to hear the real story. Instead, she slapped me on the same side of the face where Eli had punched me. It was beginning to swell up. Compounded by my possible broken nose from the confrontation in Level Seven, my face was beginning to feel like a punching bag.
Anna was gone a few moments later and I think we had broken up.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I told Mom and Richard as I entered the house after a half hour of sitting huddled alone in the gazebo. I headed straight for my room and shut the door and didn’t come out again until morning—Monday morning, the first school day of the new year.
I was running on nervous anticipation like it was the first day of school all over again. I showered, threw on some clothes, packed a bagged lunch, and grabbed a coffee to go before heading out the side door. I was the first one to leave, prepared for the long walk to school that I hadn’t had to do in quite some time. Anna’s car wouldn’t be stopping to pick me up like I had grown accustomed to.
Halfway to school, a car did slow and pull beside me: the cherry-red Camaro. Jeremy opened the passenger door, stepped out, and pulled the leather seat forward.
“Get in, little brother,” was all he said.
I slid into the backseat and only said “hello” to Leslie.
Jeremy jumped back in, Leslie kicked the antique muscle car into gear, and we sped off.
I beat Desiree to chemistry. She glanced at me and said, “Hi.” And that was it. She practically ignored me for the rest of class. Even Leslie had said more than one word to me. I didn’t want to look over at Desiree, so I kept my attention on Leslie, who wore a pink sweater with a boat-neck collar that hung off her shoulder.
Whenever I did glance over at Desiree, I found her drawing in her notebook. Chemistry didn’t interest either of us, but at least I pretended to pay attention.
Desiree ripped out the most recently drawn page and crumpled it up, causing other students in our vicinity to look over. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and stood up to throw the wadded paper away.
I was sure Desiree had broken up with Eli, just like Anna had with me. But I couldn’t figure out why she’d told Eli what had happened in Provex City in the first place. It wasn’t like she was so taken with me that she had to rid herself of her relationship and bang down my door with a passion that couldn’t be extinguished. She never even tried to contact me after her boyfriend’s retaliation. What did she gain from telling Eli?
Desiree’s second word spoken to me was “bye,” and then she was gone. I was back on my own, though it wasn’t much different than chemistry class.
With such déjà vu of my first day, I anticipated meeting up with Sasha at my locker again. But luckily that didn’t happen. Some things had changed and stayed that way. In the boy’s locker room, getting ready for gym class, there was no sign of Sasha or Greg. Just Logan quietly changed into his gym clothes at the end of the aisle. I noticed him glance over several times, and remembered he’d asked me a strange question last time I’d seen him, when he had finally officially introduced himself to me last semester. But for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what it was.
When I rounded the gymnasium at the start of lunch, I saw Anna and Eli sitting on the far lawn. They hadn’t waited for Desiree and were already eating what food they had. Suddenly, Anna picked me out of the crowd, standing awkwardly in the ever-shifting tide of students. Then Eli looked over his shoulder. It was clear I wasn’t welcome, not that I had wanted to go over there anyway. I had gone from her telling me she loved me to her glaring at me from across the quad in just a day’s time. They went back to their lunches like there was no one missing from the group. And there wasn’t. Not anymore.
It was always easier for me to retreat to comfortable surroundings when things weren’t going well. I went into the humanities building and sat across the hall from Mr. Gordon’s closed door. I was the first student to arrive. The light was off in the classroom and I contemplated trying the door like I had done numerous times before. But I was conflicted as to whether I really wanted to talk to him or not. After Provex City, it seemed like all of my relationships had changed, and I didn’t see any reason why the one between Mr. Gordon and I wouldn’t be different as well.
I laid my backpack in front of me and took out my bagged lunch. I would be eating alone.
Desiree arrived after the bell rang to signal lunch was over. She stopped and stood a few paces away.
“Hey.”
“We’ve been through that already,” I said.
“Well, sorry for common courtesy.”
I got to my feet when I saw Mr. Gordon roun
d the corner, talking with a girl who usually sat in the front row.
“Did you eat with the others?” I asked.
“No. The library.” Desiree followed Mr. Gordon into the room, and I followed her. We sat at our usual desks, but she felt much further away than one row over. There was a brick wall between us—an ocean, perhaps more.
I could feel Mr. Gordon eyeing me all through class. Even when we were instructed to read to ourselves, I could sense his disappointed gaze zeroed in on me. I could no longer see the door to the Room of Enlightenment. The side whiteboard was back in its proper position, at least for me. I couldn’t speak for Desiree.
At the close of class, I didn’t wait for Mr. Gordon to call me over to his desk. I marched up to him and stood there, waiting for him to notice me. He silently continued on with his work as the rest of the students poured out of the room. It wasn’t until the last student was gone that he finally acknowledged I was still standing there.
“I suppose we have a lot of catching up to do,” Mr. Gordon started softly. “So if you want to stop by after your last class, I’ll be here.”
“I’d rather talk now. If I go to art, then I’ll just keep thinking about all the questions I want to ask. I’m sure you know more of what’s happened and I need some help with getting it all straight in my head.”
“Then write your questions down so you don’t forget them, and come back after class.”
“No!” I yelled, slamming my palms down on his desk. “I’m already lying awake at night thinking about how my entire life is a lie. I can’t sit through another class thinking about what else you’ve been keeping from me. Who am I?”
“Oliver Grain at the moment.”
“My real name is Oliver Lorne! You should at least acknowledge that!”
SUSY Asylum Page 11
