“You don’t have to. It’s done. It’s okay.”
“I talked to Jillian.”
Blaine slammed his locker shut and glared at me. “Why?”
“To ask her about TJ since you wouldn’t tell me anything. Desiree’s now told me a little bit, but there are missing parts in the story. Please tell me what happened the morning after prom. You drove him home. You were his best friend.”
“I was and that’s why I don’t want to talk about it. What is it to you anyways? I said I didn’t want to talk about it before. Then you go to my ex-girlfriend about it, and then pester me again? I don’t get you. Why do you care?”
“Because I moved into his house. I sleep in his room,” I said, loudly at first to match Blaine’s volume, which lessened as I continued. “And he never left. He’s still there. He’s moved my furniture. He wrote on my wall—”
“What did it say?”
“What?” I was thrown off by his sudden interest.
“What did he write on the wall?”
“‘My room.’”
All the color suddenly drained from his face. He looked like he went somewhere else in his head, and I was left to wait for him to return. I had finally hit a nerve, but I wasn’t sure why. What had I said? And just as I was asking myself the question, his eyes refocused on me.
“TJ wrote that on your wall?”
“Unless there are elves breaking into my room in the middle of the night—yeah, it was TJ. He wrote it. It was in some kind of charcoal or soot or something. I erased it just enough to leave a dark smudge on my wall, and then he erased the smudge. I can’t explain it.” I took a moment to judge his reaction and he was still noticeably shaken with what I was telling him. “Do you now understand why this is so important to me? I’m not making it up.”
“Come with me,” he said abruptly. “I want to show you something.”
He didn’t talk as we walked across the quad, but his color steadily returned. He looked like a sick person healing in time-lapse photography. Leading me along the outside of the humanities building, we entered the bathroom in which I had used to clean up after my first fight with Sasha.
Blaine walked to the back stall, pushed the door open with one arm, and stepped inside.
“Look at this,” he said, holding the swinging door open.
I peeked inside and followed his pointed finger to writing on the stall wall.
My room.
The words were etched into the metal divider between the stalls.
I followed his finger as it moved. It stopped on the same words etched only a few inches away.
Blaine stepped out from the stall and instructed me to step inside and let the door swing shut. And when I did, I was floored with all the etchings covering the divider, door, and walls. My room was carved over and over again inside the stall. There was other graffiti, too, but TJ’s message was much more prominent. If it was in fact TJ’s; it didn’t prove anything—but it was eerie nonetheless.
I stepped out from the stall and found Blaine standing in front of one of the three sinks with a lit cigarette. He had no intention of moving as other guys walked up to wash their hands, crowding into the two other sinks.
“Did he tell you he’d done that?” I asked.
“He didn’t have to,” Blaine said, heavily breathing in the smoke like an inhaler. “I saw what he’d cut into his arm. I didn’t find this stall until after he was gone.”
I was quiet, not knowing how to respond.
Blaine held his cigarette in his mouth and took out his phone. He flipped through the touch screen, and then handed me the phone.
“Listen to these voicemails,” he said, returning to puffing on his shortening cigarette, and then stamping the butt out in the sink. “I can’t bring myself to erase them.”
TJ & Desiree (E)
“How could you just leave us there?” TJ yelled at Blaine, collapsing into the passenger seat.
Desiree had stormed out on him after they fought in the hotel room. After the initial shock wore off from what she had accused him of, he chased after her, but she was already gone. The lobby of the hotel was dead at that time of the morning and outside was already getting light. One guy stood casually behind the counter of the front desk while another vacuumed around the grand piano in the lounge. TJ stood helplessly outside the entrance of the Marriott hotel not knowing how Desiree was going to get home. And she wouldn’t answer her cell phone.
Feeling stranded himself, TJ called Blaine and after leaving three escalating messages, he finally answered.
“You said you wanted to stay,” Blaine shot back.
“What? You didn’t say that you guys were leaving.”
“Yeah I did. I thought I was pretty clear. I had to get Jillian home.”
“And I had to get Desiree home! This is so messed up!” TJ twisted and pulled at his tie with both hands. If only it would rip in two, he’d feel a little better. But it wouldn’t.
“Sorry, man. I don’t know what to say. Where is she anyway? Why isn’t she with you?”
“Something happened.”
“Did you two…”
TJ nodded weakly.
“My man! Congrats in joining the club,” Blaine exclaimed, turning sharply and accelerating onto the highway on-ramp. “How do you feel? Stoked, right?”
“It’s not like that…oh God…things are so fucked up…” TJ ran his hands down his face and yelled as loud as he could. His throat and stomach burned from more drinks than he cared to remember. But he had too much adrenaline pumping through his body to feel the steadily creeping hangover.
“What happened?” Blaine asked.
“I just hope she gets home safe.”
“I’m sure things aren’t that bad.”
TJ had originally turned around when Desiree asked him to. But he couldn’t stop himself from glancing over as she rummaged around the room, picking up her dress, heels, and underwear, all while clutching the towel tightly to keep it secure around her body. Then she locked herself in the bathroom again.
After listening to her try to vomit a few times, TJ had rounded up his clothes. Desiree rejoined him in the room a few minutes later fully dressed. She had washed off as much makeup as she could and stood before him pale and slumped, crushed and horrorstruck. She was on the verge of hyperventilation and trying her best to stop crying. Her eyes were focused on the floor as she tried to articulate how she was feeling—which quickly brought tears to his eyes.
How had things gone so wrong? The night wasn’t supposed to end this way. Tomorrow had come and the world was smoking and barren.
“Things are bad,” TJ said.
He and Blaine didn’t say another word the rest of the drive home.
17
Another Gone
Desiree wasn’t in school the next day. I texted her a few times, but there was no reply. I talked with Anna and she hadn’t heard from her, either.
I walked over to Desiree’s house after school and her mother answered the door after my third knock.
“Desiree isn’t back from school yet,” she said before I even had a chance to open my mouth.
“Oh—okay,” I said and turned to leave. I paused and turned to inquire further, but the door was already closed. I could have told her mother that she wasn’t at school—I’ve got three classes with her—but I didn’t want to be the one to get her in trouble if I didn’t have to be.
On my short walk home, I left her a voicemail that I had just left her house and she wasn’t there, either. I tried not to be worried, that there was a logical explanation for her absence and this wasn’t a Jeremy disappearance. Maybe Anna did know something and she was sworn to secrecy. But it wasn’t like Desiree not to answer her messages; even if she didn’t want to tell me where she was or give any details; she could at least confirm she was all right. She got mad at me if I took more than thirty minutes to respond.
Instead of crossing Santa Clara to head home, I turned with the sidewalk and faded s
afely into the plane of Provex City. The highway roared behind me as I landed in the wild, deep green grass. The shimmering buildings of the majestic downtown in the distance drew my attention as they always did.
I left the road behind and continued farther into the lush field. The river, as vicious as the highway, extended directly ahead of me. In my plane back home, that river was an empty ravine standing between me and the cemetery with TJ’s tombstone.
The last time I saw TJ was when he dissolved into a shower of silver sparks from the monstrous hand of Kafka Lorne. And I felt like I knew him better now, after reading part of his journal and hearing more personal stories from Desiree and Blaine, like he was now my lost friend, too.
When I reached the bank of the river, I kept a safe distance from the water, from the rushing current, which would snatch me up and swallow me whole with no hesitation or remorse if I stepped too close. I looked to the far side, at the continuation of grassland, and refocused my concentration.
Phantom tombstones materialized in the grass like a miniature stone army standing in formation and protecting their front. And with those phantom stones appeared figures sitting by their respective markers—hundreds of them—stones and figures, quiet and morose.
“Desiree!” I yelled to see if she would emerge from the blurred mass of figures.
It seemed everyone heard me, and they all looked up in unison, like an army who had just heard the battle cry of the enemy, like an audience who now expected me to perform. There were hundreds of eyes on me, but none that I could see were Desiree’s, or TJ’s.
I let the cemetery scene fade back into nothingness. The grass extended to the edge of the Outer Provex City Medical campus again, with no one seeming to notice me standing alone in the field. The buildings were blue and glistened like the water in the river. I took a seat in the grass and watched doctors and patients as they made their way to and from the cluster of buildings. I watched and thought about why I wasn’t taken here after my accident instead of being flown into Provex City.
“If you still wish to find your father, I can help you,” the familiar voice of my mirror whispered in my ear.
“Mr. Gordon said I’m not ready to find him,” I said.
“Your so-called mentor said you weren’t ready to come here and you proved him wrong. Who is he to say you’re not ready and keep you from reuniting with your father?”
“How about Desiree—do you know where she is?”
“Perhaps,” the voice said eagerly. “Follow me and we can look for her together.”
“You say that every time. You just want me to follow you no matter what or who I’m looking for.”
The voice continued to argue with me, but I no longer listened. It was like a broken record, saying the same things over and over, always with the single objective to get me to follow. I already knew better than to listen—or to follow. There was nothing it could say to entice me into its realm, or symmetric reality as I think it was called.
Where was she? She wouldn’t go into the city without me. It was something we had experienced together, which made it a special destination for us—us as a couple. And she definitely wouldn’t ditch school to play hooky in another plane, or at least, not without telling me or Anna. Then the thought crept back in that Anna did know something. What if Desiree was in trouble? Even if Anna knew something, she wouldn’t know enough to help.
I took out my phone, but there was no service in this plane, their networks must have been completely different and not compatible with the ones back home. But at least the clock still worked and I figured it would be good to go home before it was me who would be considered missing.
The next morning in chemistry, I waited until halfway through class before leaving. I walked to the next building over and looked into a classroom through the window next to the door. Anna was seated in the middle of the room. I sent her a short text to see if she’d answer. She repositioned in her seat and held her phone under the desk to look at it inconspicuously. Then she looked at me through the window. I gave a slight wave and moved out of sight before the teacher noticed me.
“What do you know?” she asked as soon as she exited the classroom.
“Hi, nice to see you, too,” I said. “And nothing—that’s why I’m here.”
“Desiree didn’t tell you anything?”
“Not a thing. She must’ve told you something. Or Eli? Someone must know where she is.”
“She told me she had plans to meet up with a friend, that’s all,” Anna said. “Let’s get away from my classroom.”
We walked around the building, which was on the far side of the school, in the deserted area by the street and chain-linked fence. The last time I had been over here was with Desiree and Mr. Gordon after my stabbing. I could see the ghosts of our former selves acting out the scene in my memory.
“Did she say who she was going to meet?”
“No, she said it was no one I knew—and I know everyone she knows!” Anna snapped, directed at Desiree, not at me.
“When did you last talk to her?”
“We were texting at lunch yesterday.”
“But she wasn’t in class at all yesterday, so she had already gone somewhere.”
Anna looked noticeably hurt. She leaned against the brick wall of the building. “Who is she?” Anna slid down the wall until she was seated with her knees pointed toward the sky.
It was finally a nice morning, starting to feel like spring. I rolled up my sleeves and joined Anna on the ground. There was a foot between us when I sat down, but she scooted over and laid her head on my shoulder.
“She’s always been my best friend. We’ve always told each other everything,” Anna said.
I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible for Desiree’s recent secrecy. But now she seemed to be taking her secrecy to the next level, leaving me behind as well.
Anna and I promised to let the other know if we heard any word from Desiree. When I snuck back into class, Mr. Clayton asked me about my prolonged disappearance and I quickly played the sick card.
I had hoped to get back to class and find Desiree sitting in her usual seat. But that would be too convenient. After the bell rang, even Leslie asked me about Desiree as she passed.
I checked my phone incessantly all morning. The only time I couldn’t was during gym because I needed to leave it in my locker. I still had Logan’s tablet, but he didn’t seem to be here, either. On the blacktop, waiting for class to start, I glanced over at Jillian a few times and stopped after she caught me looking. She must have said something to her friends because the other two girls looked over, too. I pretended not to notice.
Coach Andrews had me sit this soccer game out, seemingly still bitter about yesterday. I was okay with it. Even though my athletic prowess was lacking in practically all sports, soccer was my least favorite of the year. So it wasn’t really a punishment to sit on the bench for the hour. He stayed close throughout the game to deter me from wandering off. I had no intention of going anywhere.
As usual, we were the last class dismissed, but I left early since I wasn’t doing anything anyway. Coach Andrews called for me to remain with the class until he called time. I told him it was time and continued walking toward the locker rooms.
I thought of having lunch with Anna and Eli, but I didn’t want to deal with Eli so I let the idea go. I ate my lunch sitting directly across the hall from Mr. Gordon’s classroom door. It was closed with the lights off. I tried to mentally call him to class early so I could talk to him beforehand, but I couldn’t seem to do that right, either. To pass the rest of the lunch hour, I took out the tablet and made another attempt to turn it on. Still nothing.
Desiree was missing. Logan had mysteriously disappeared. TJ was gone. My father was God knows where—though Mr. Gordon seemed to know. I was supposed to be establishing some type of certainty and knowing to progress my abilities, but everything seemed to be falling apart, possibly even more than before. At least being in the da
rk, you didn’t know what you were missing. Now I knew enough to know that I was missing a great deal, and it was a dreadful feeling.
Mr. Gordon sauntered down the hallway and opened the door for the waiting students just as the bell rang.
“Desiree here today?” he asked as I entered the classroom.
“No. She’s missing,” I answered.
He walked with me to his desk while the other students took their seats.
“Are you sure?” Mr. Gordon asked.
“Pretty sure. She’s not at home. She won’t answer my calls or texts,” I said, checking my phone one more time to be sure.
“Do you have any ideas where she would have gone?”
“Anna told me Desiree had told her she was meeting up with a friend. All I can think of is she went to meet Darius in Provex City. I don’t know who else she’d be all secretive about.”
“Has she ever gone by herself before?” Mr. Gordon asked sternly.
“Besides the first time when she rescued me and Jeremy?”
“Yes.”
“Not that I know of.”
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“I’m not,” I said almost under my breath. “I feel like she’s in trouble.”
“I fear you might be right,” he said and asked me to sit down.
“We need to do something.”
“Right now I need to get class started. I will do something.”
“We,” I snapped. “I’m coming with you.” I turned before he had a chance to respond and took my seat. Throughout class I looked at the far wall, searching for the door to the Room of Enlightenment. It was placed out of reach, but it had to still be there. Mr. Gordon let it pop up from time to time, so it couldn’t be completely gone. There had to be some residual door particles or energy, some memory in the wall that a door was there to be discovered or found again by the right person. I focused enough to look through the wall and into the next classroom at unsuspecting students thinking they were safe with the walls around them. I focused to a point where the classroom and wall faded away and I was sitting in some other building all together, my desk placed just outside an office with glass walls and oblivious people walking all around me, talking business.
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