Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

  “Anything that looks hot and is perfect with the dress.” I shook my head. “You guys have a real challenge. But I saw you studying my shoes in the closet. Get the right size and I’ll be okay.”

  “There, all done.” Darren looked down at Valdez, who growled again when the man brushed his hand down my hip. “I’ll get you the best of everything, Glory. From your beautiful head down to your toes. Be sure to book a pedicure on the day of the event.” He winked. “Go for a red polish. Now, guess I’ll have to leave you with Butch. Sorry about that. See you in the living room.” He took off, shutting the door behind him.

  “Alone at last.” Butch looked me over. “Please ignore that trash-talking idiot. Tell me what your dream dress would look like.”

  “Wouldn’t that be cheating?” I held out my arms while Butch went to work getting a bust measurement.

  “Not at all. Those idiots should have asked you the same thing.” Butch was working on my waist now. I didn’t dare look at the number. Some things you just don’t want to know. “And just between us, I’m a stylist in my other life. Took care of Julia in her second trimester with the twins. Angelina too. By the time I dress you, no one will suspect a thing, sugar buns.”

  I looked down to where Valdez was struggling not to laugh out loud. As it was, he was turning into a wheezing, hacking, staggering dog that had Butch frowning at him.

  “Is the dog okay?”

  “This is what happens when he drinks out of the toilet.” I grabbed his collar and pulled him toward the door. “He’ll be okay. He just needs some air. Maybe Ray will shove him out on the balcony.” I pushed him into the living room and shut the door. “There. Now, where were we?”

  “I was about to measure your thighs. I don’t suppose you’d drop those jeans. They’re adding precious inches you can’t afford, sweetie.”

  “No, I’m not dropping my pants. And, no, I’m not pregnant.” I put my hands on my hips. “I’m not model thin like most of Ray’s girlfriends, okay? But if you can come up with a design that can disguise my figure flaws, you’ll be the winner. Are we clear?”

  Butch grinned and put a finger over his lips. “Crystal, sugar buns. I know just what you need to wear to make you look fabulous.” He quickly took a few more measurements, headed for the door and flung it open. “We’d better join the others before I get accused of conspiring with the judge.”

  Sure enough, all eyes were on us as we entered the room. There were a few more questions, then Ray pleaded a full schedule and got them out of there. Zia was the last to leave, air-kissing Ray and ignoring me as she thanked him for the promo spots.

  “That went pretty well.” Ray shut the door behind the last of them.

  “Yeah, there wasn’t an unkind word about my figure issues. I imagine those comments will be in the behind-the-scenes shots they film while they cut yards and yards of fabric for my dress. Boy, won’t that be a budget buster.”

  “Quit putting yourself down.” Ray frowned.

  I hugged him and kissed his cheek. “Thanks for taking care of the measurement thing. You’re my hero. Always looking out for me.”

  “I try.” He pulled me close and rested his chin on my head. “Valdez, quit growling.”

  “Are you really in a hurry? Because I still want to go see that guy . . .”

  “Okay, I’ve got an hour to spare. Where do we meet him?”

  “He has a place in Malibu.” I had no idea how far away that was or how long it took to get there.

  Ray frowned. “We’ll never make it, unless . . .”

  “Unless what?”

  “What do you think, Glory? Ray wants you to shift with him and fly out there. It’s the only way to fit it into his schedule. He’s got rehearsal later.” Valdez, who’d obviously been mind reading, frowned. “I guess I could do the same. Not what Blade would like, but, hell, I’ve been shifting into other forms lately anyway. You’re sure not going out there without me.”

  “Is Valdez right, Ray? You want me to shift and fly out to Malibu with you? Are you sure we can find the place?” I hate shifting. It’s a phobia I have. The whole process is creepy to me. I like my human form. It’s comfortable, fits me like a glove, even if it is a little oversize. The bat or bird thing? Yuck.

  “You got an address?” Ray held out his hand and I gave him Ian’s card. “Yes, I know where this is. Pricy real estate. Right on the beach. I can find it. But we need to get out there now. If Valdez thinks he needs to go, so be it. Is there something I should know about this deal that you’re not telling me?”

  I blocked my thoughts. Of course there was. Just about everything. I smiled. “Well, you’ll love this. The MacDonalds and the Campbells are ancient enemies. They hate each other. That’s why Ian needs to be sure I’m with you, not Blade.”

  “So I’ll probably like this guy.” Ray grinned and opened the door to the balcony. He looked at Nathan, who’d come back just as the TV crew had left. “You’ll cover for us? Keep the gang away?”

  “Sure. You do know how this freaks me out to watch you change, don’t you, bro?” Nathan looked at me. “Glory, I thought you didn’t like to do this. What does this guy have that motivates you so much?”

  “Tell you later.” I looked at my watch again and stepped onto the balcony. I steeled myself, feeling my nerves jumping as I tried to work up my courage. I really, really wanted to get skinny. Otherwise this was so not my thing.

  “Bird or bat?” Valdez was still right beside me, his presence always a comfort. “Stay close, Glory. We’ll be right behind Ray. Got it?”

  “Yeah, I got it.” Voice shaky, but I was determined.

  “Bat, let’s move.” Then Ray was a bat, just like that.

  I pictured the same change in myself and felt it shudder through me, the floor dropping below me as I soared into the air. I suppose it should be a cool experience to fly over Los Angeles at night like that. The lights of the city were beautiful when I dared glance down. But I was totally focused on not losing Ray. Not that he would have allowed that. He and Valdez flanked me, obviously taking care not to let me fly off on a tangent. In what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes, we were near the ocean and I could see it dark with a phosphorescent froth below us. The houses that lined the beach were massive and well lit.

  Ray started down toward one that was on a cliff with a wooden stair that zigzagged down to the beach below. He landed on a wooden deck, changing back into his human form almost as soon as his feet hit. Valdez was back to Labradoodle form as well. They stared at me as I concentrated. I was relieved when I could shake out my hair, back to my Glory self with only a slight stumble. Maybe I was getting the hang of this.

  “Man, what a rush.” Ray was clearly jazzed by the whole flying-over-L.A. thing. “But if I hadn’t spent a lot of time here, I sure could have gotten lost. Luckily I spotted some major highways and followed them.”

  “Move and you’re dead, vampires.” The voice that came out of the dark obviously meant business.

  I didn’t move an inch.

  Four

  “Who says so?” Valdez jumped in front of me. “Damn it, Caine. We should have circled first. Landed farther down the beach.”

  “Shut up.” A blond surfer, either one of the men from the club or his clone, stepped out of the darkness. Three more just like him soon had us surrounded. This time they wore wet suits. Like they’d actually been surfing instead of just body-guarding. Their hard stares made it clear they didn’t welcome drop-in visitors who interrupted their playtime.

  “Hate to admit it, but you’re right, V.” Ray moved up beside Valdez and snarled. “I’ve got the two on the right.”

  “Relax, gentlemen. My men are just doing their job. Of course you’re welcome here, Mr. Caine.” Ian strolled out onto the deck and the guards parted, though none of them smiled or relaxed. “Glory, I’m delighted you could make it. Sorry for the surly reception. My guests usually arrive at the front door.”

  I didn’t see any weapons. But the
n, vamps don’t usually use them anyway. The vampire males I know pride themselves on their hand-to-hand and their fang action. I grabbed Ray’s arm. He was too new at the vamp game to be particularly good at either.

  “Yes, well, Ray’s a busy man. We’re on a tight schedule and flew in.” I really didn’t like the vibe here, but forced a smile. “Israel Caine, Ian MacDonald.”

  “A pleasure.” Ian held his hand out to Ray.

  Ray just nodded. “Glory’s also my mentor and she’s taught me it’s not wise to touch a newly met vampire.” He slung his arm around my shoulders. “There are so many dirty tricks you guys enjoy playing.”

  “True enough.” Ian laughed and glanced down at Valdez, who continued to snarl and looked like he wanted to rumble. “Glory, would you ask your shifter to stand down? I assume he’s your bodyguard.”

  “Of course. Valdez, chill. You’ll have to excuse him, but it’s the wet suits. We had a bad experience recently in an Austin lake and neither of us is crazy about the water.” I put my hand on Valdez’s head. He growled and nipped at one of the surfer dude’s knees when the guy moved in too close.

  “I like to live by the ocean, but I promise I won’t require you to get wet as part of my miracle cure.” Ian waved his hand toward the open French door. “Please come inside. Let me tell you about my products. Show you what they can do.”

  “Cure?” Ray squeezed my shoulder. “Are you sick? Glory, what the hell is this guy selling?”

  “Didn’t your fiancée tell you why she brought you out here, Caine? I’m into helping people. Gloriana’s not sick unless you consider that she’s sick of the body she’s been stuck with for four hundred plus years. Am I right, my dear?” Ian gave me a sympathetic look and I bit back an “Amen!”

  “Well, yes.” I looked everywhere but at Ray. This was absolutely humiliating, but I was bound and determined to at least hear what Ian had to say. “You have no idea what it’s like, Ray, to never be able to change one thing about your size.” I finally faced him and gripped his arm. “Seriously. I know you used to work out. Nathan spends hours in the gym. You guys probably made a conscious decision to get the bodies you wanted, then went for it.”

  “Sure. And it wasn’t easy.” Ray covered my hand with his. “Baby, I never thought . . . What a trip. Of course this would drive you crazy.” He pulled me close and rubbed my back. “Not that you’re not great the way you are, but to never be able to change . . .” He hugged me, careful not to use his vamp strength and break a rib. “Darlin’, that’s just wrong.”

  I leaned against him until the urge to cry passed. Then I heard Ian clear his throat. Oh, yes, we were keeping the great man waiting. I stepped back.

  “Thanks, Ray, for understanding. I really do want to finally lose a few pounds and keep them off.”

  “Yes! Something vampires have never been able to do, until now.” Ian rubbed his hands together. “I’ve developed a revolutionary system that can melt the pounds away, even on an ancient vampire like Glory.” Ian smiled, ignoring Valdez’s chuff of disbelief.

  I wanted to grab Ian and give him a soul kiss. Revolutionary. I’ll say. Hope hit me right between the eyes and made the world go blurry. To finally, finally change the way I looked. This had to be too good to be true.

  “Are you kidding me? Revolutionary sounds dangerous.” Ray gave me the once-over. He started at the top of my head.

  Swell. I was sure my blond hair had been blown into a fright wig by the change for my bat flight. Then he checked out my snug jeans in a size twelve (oh, how I wished for a six!). Hmm. Back up north again, he lingered on my double Ds which I’d love to slip into a C cup. I could only imagine the joys of having to shop for new bras and to actually buy pretty, colorful ones. I grabbed Ray and squeezed his arm again.

  “I’m immortal, remember? Unless this thing involves a stake, I should be able to handle it. And I want this, Ray. I’ve wanted it for over four hundred years.” Here came the water-works again. Stupid, but this was a big deal. The impossible dream. You know?

  “I get that. And what’s important to you, Glory girl, is important to me. Never met a woman who didn’t hate something about her body. Even supermodels.” He pulled me close again and kissed me on the lips, a sweet kiss. “If this is what you want, babe, and this guy has some magic formula that will get you there, I say go for it. Just be careful. I don’t want to lose you. That’s the bottom line for me.”

  Ian beamed. He was probably seeing a blank check and celebrity endorsements in his future.

  I hugged Ray again, a tear slipping down my cheek. If there was one main difference between Blade, an ancient vampire, and Ray, a modern man, it was that Ray really seemed to get women and actually paid attention to what we want. I love Jerry, but he’s still stuck back in the day when he had to be in protective mode all the time. Jerry figures he knows what we should want and that our basic needs and wants never change. You know: food, shelter, like that.

  Sorry, but I’ve survived mostly on my own for centuries. I figure I’ve moved way beyond the basics. I may be foolish, but now I want what Jerry would consider the superficial—a flattering wardrobe, a car that starts when I need it and the occasional designer handbag. The best? To look cute in skinny jeans. Sue me, but this weight-loss thing was important, and Ray had just become one of my heroes. Again.

  I leaned back. “I’m paying for this myself. I have credit cards. This is not going to be on you.” I didn’t need to look to know that Ian had sagged with disappointment.

  “We’ll discuss it later. I want to hear MacDonald’s pitch.” Ray kept me close by his side and glanced down. “Valdez, you put a hole in my pants and I guarantee you’ll get no steak for a week.”

  “Glory’s perfect. She doesn’t need a diet.” Valdez was obviously going to report this entire scene to Jerry as soon as he had a chance.

  “I see you have a loyal guard.” Ian smiled as he led the way into a massive den that could have been featured in a sophisticated design magazine. “But if I read him right, he’s obviously in Campbell’s employ, not Caine’s.”

  I started to deny it, but my bigmouthed mutt beat me to the punch.

  “Yeah, you read me right. I’m Campbell’s man, MacDonald. As Glory’s sire, he pays me to make sure she stays safe no matter how far south her love life goes.” He gave Ray a doggy sneer. “Glory’s my number-one priority tonight and always. There’d better not be anything in this stuff you’re selling that can hurt her.” Valdez stayed close to my side.

  “I’d be a fool to hurt a client. Then I’d have to shut down a lucrative operation. Trust me, I help people. Sit and I’ll show you.” Ian gestured to a pair of cream leather sofas and picked up a remote. He waited until Ray and I were settled side by side, Valdez near my feet, before he hit a button that turned on a flat screen hanging on the wall above a natural stone fireplace.

  The screen lit up with a picture of an unhappy woman who stood on his deck, the dark ocean behind her. She was about twenty pounds overweight, especially in the hip area, a pear shape.

  “Hi. I’m Sarah Wainwright. I was turned vampire in 1786 and stuck with this pudgy body. Thanks to Ian MacDonald’s magic formulas, I’m hoping I’ll finally lose the extra weight I’ve carried around all these years.” She frowned into the camera. “Are you freakin’ kidding me? No way.” She showed fangs and threw up her hands. “Back off. Touch me and die.” She took a shuddering breath, her breasts heaving. “Of course I want to do the program.” She sniffed and finally nodded. “Okay, okay, I’ll take care of it myself.” She jerked off her black hoodie and threw it toward the camera.

  I looked at Ian. “What’s that about?”

  “I told her she had to strip off or people would think she was wearing padding for her ‘before’ pictures. She’d agreed to be on camera for a discount on the services. When I revealed this detail, obviously she didn’t take it well.” He smiled and shrugged. “They never do.”

  I shuddered as Sarah tugged down her elastic-waisted
jeans after toeing off her clogs. I could so relate to her attitude. Surely I wouldn’t have to do this. I had no interest in joining Ian’s showcase of “success stories.” Not even for a discount.

  “Do we have to see this all the way through?” One glimpse of the cellulite on Sarah’s thighs was enough for me. And now she was unbuttoning her white shirt. Valdez and Ray couldn’t look away. I gave Ray an elbow and nudged the V-man with my foot.

  “You want to see how the program works, don’t you?” Ian raised an eyebrow when he saw Ray’s grin. “Sarah’s just one of many examples I could show you.”

  “Sure, but I don’t want to be humiliated like this woman.” I was relieved when she kept on her bra and panties.

  “Relax, baby. You look a hell of a lot better than that chick naked.” Ray nodded toward the screen. “See? She’s flat-chested and all ass. You’re much more . . .” He squeezed my waist. “Well-rounded.”

  “Got to agree with Caine. Put you up against that woman any day, Glory. But, whoa, check this out. Do you see what I see?” Valdez sat down with a thump.

  I was checking it out. The date stamp indicated a two-week time lapse. Sarah had obviously lost all her excess baggage and just where she needed to. While she still wasn’t exactly top-heavy, she was in proportion and looked amazing. Her stomach was flat and her ass taut. The bikini fit her like a second skin. But obviously Sarah wasn’t content to strut her stuff in a swim suit. While we watched, she peeled it off and did a three-sixty for the camera. No doubt about it. Ian’s program, whatever it was, had handed her a miracle cure. This was the same woman, just a lot less of her. She smiled into the camera.

  “Ian, I can never thank you enough for the gift you gave me. I have more confidence, more energy and, even better, my vamp skills are off the charts.” She showed off her fangs. “Honey, I don’t know what’s in this special brew you’ve cooked up, but I’m recommending it to every overweight vampire I know.” She looked down and then up through her lashes.