Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

  “No, Jerry would never lay a hand on me or any woman. He loves me. Has for years.” Centuries actually, but who’s counting?

  “And violent. I saw what he did to Ray, remember?”

  “Well, Ray got his licks in too. Men will be men.” I cleared my throat. “It was nothing more than a pissing contest. They’re both territorial. Not a quality I appreciate in either of them. But I’m telling you this so you can be ready. Maybe you can do some damage control when Ray and I break up.”

  “Sure, I can do that. And I see why you don’t want a bunch of commitments as Ray’s fiancée if the wedding’s not going to happen.” Barry stood and paced the carpet. “Well, hell. I had even more irons in the fire for you, Glory. You were a publicist’s dream whether you know it or not. You’re genuine. Relatable. I see a lot of Ray’s fan mail and his approval rating went up among several key demographics since you two hooked up.”

  “So glad I could help.” I got up and walked Barry to the door. “But that’s no reason to stay together and you know it.”

  “Of course not. I’m just saying.” Barry smiled sadly. “Don’t do anything hasty, Glory. Ray loves you. Oh, he may act like a dog now and then—it’s that rock-star thing. Cut the boy some slack. He was single for a lot of years. It’ll take a while for you to domesticate him.”

  “I told you. It’s not Ray. It’s me and the other guy. We have a lot of history that I can’t just ignore. And this isn’t to go public yet. I mean it, Barry. We’ve got the reality show and the Grammys to deal with first.”

  “No worries. My lips are sealed.” Barry tapped his nose. “Besides, I’m not sure I’m buying this anyway. My bullshit meter’s buzzing.” Barry looked down when his cell vibrated. “And now so’s my phone. Got to be those Fitzwell people. I know just who to steer them to. DeeDee’s in the hotel. She’ll be perfect.”

  “Sure. That’s genius. She’s the epitome of fitness.”

  Barry leaned down and kissed my cheek. “Hang in there with Ray, Glory. I’ve known him for years. He’s a stand-up guy. And, honestly, he’s never been as caught up in the rock-star hype as a lot of these yahoos are.” Barry’s phone buzzed again. “Okay, got to take this. Later, lady.”

  I watched him head out. He was talking on his cell before the hall door closed behind him.

  “I liked what I was hearing from you.” Valdez bumped against me gently. “Blade’s the one. About time.”

  “Shut up, V.” I felt like hell. So what if I’d made a mature decision. Putting it right out there for Barry so he could handle the inevitable fallout when Ray and I parted ways. Funny how maturity sucked.

  Ten

  “Okay, they’re coming.” Valdez faced the door, Brittany right beside him.

  “Are you sure you want to go on with this, Glory?” Flo carefully put away the shoes she’d been showing me that she’d bought in the boutique downstairs.

  “Of course I am. I’ve just got a few days until the red carpet.” I sneezed and shrieked at the same time. Oh, God, that hurt. “I didn’t go through all this to stop now.”

  “You sneezed. Vampires don’t sneeze. Why?” Flo stared at me as if I’d sprouted a third eye.

  “I don’t know. Your perfume is tickling my nose. And when I sneeze . . .” I grabbed her arm. Another one was coming and, oh, help. I sneezed again.

  “Why’re you screaming when you sneeze?” Flo handed me a tissue from a box on the desk next to the wall.

  “My stomach is killing me. I told you I did those crunches. That demon’s spawn of a trainer made me do them.” I blew my nose. “I didn’t sleep well and didn’t heal.”

  Flo narrowed her eyes. “You block your thoughts. What do you mean you didn’t sleep well? The sun comes up, we die. We just call it sleep.”

  The knock on the door interrupted an interrogation I knew I’d have caved under. I wasn’t sure I wanted Flo, and therefore Richard, to know I’d seen daylight. Vampires are funny creatures. Either one of them might have a secret craving for the sun and do something stupid about it if they knew. They’d seen Ian’s video and seemed to scoff at it, but when they heard that I’d actually almost walked into daylight . . . Well, I didn’t want to test either one of them. I was pretty sure stepping into the sun would have sent me up in flames.

  I peeked through the spy hole and saw Ian, Trina and a pair of Ian’s usual guards there. I threw open the door.

  “Come in. I was just telling Flo how I was feeling.”

  Ian took my hand and looked into my eyes. “You don’t look well. What is it, Glory?”

  “My healing sleep didn’t do the job. I’m sore from my training session last night.” I smiled at Flo. “And now I’m suddenly allergic to my friend’s perfume. I’ve been sneezing, which kills my stomach.”

  Trina linked her arm through mine and smiled. “That pain’ll go away once you’re used to regular exercise, Glory. Glad to see you’re already in proper gear. You look great in those shorts.”

  I extricated myself and put a good foot between us.

  “Thanks. I’ve got a session scheduled with the trainer for after you guys leave.” I winced. “Not that I’m looking forward to it. Sorry, Trina. That may be true for mortals, but vamps live in a different universe. I shouldn’t be hurting at all tonight. This is freaking me out, Ian.” I grabbed his arm. “Fix this.”

  “Your reactions to my regimen continue to puzzle me, Glory, but I’ve been working on the problem.” He patted my hand and greeted Flo, who barely nodded. She’d obviously decided he was the enemy.

  “Work fast.” I pulled away from him, not willing to go all chummy, especially with Flo giving him the evil eye. “Oh, yeah, this is Brittany, Ian, another of my bodyguards. Seems only fair since you’ve brought two.”

  “Of course.” Ian barely spared her a glance. Bodyguards were like furniture to him. “You’re going to have to get used to exercise, Glory. Especially if you can’t find a supplement that agrees with you. I’ve brought a different one for you to try when you wake up tomorrow night. It shouldn’t make you sick and could even help you lose an extra pound or two.”

  “I’m all for that.” I could hear Flo muttering something in Italian. “I’m okay, Flo, just sore.”

  “You’re acting mortal, Glory my friend, sneezing and moaning about your stomach.” Flo nodded dismissively at Trina. “We are vampire, mia amica. We give pain; we don’t get it.”

  “She’s right. This isn’t how the program is supposed to work.” Ian opened a black leather attaché case and pulled out two bottles. “So I’ve also made adjustments in the formula for your usual bedtime drink. I’m hoping those nightmares will go away. Then you should heal properly.”

  “Okay, I’ll try it.” I ignored Valdez’s warning growl. “I guess now I just have to feed from Trina and we’re done here.”

  “Not tonight.” Ian put his hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re anxious to speed along the process, so we’re going to make tonight’s treatment do double duty.” He looked down because Valdez was all but sitting on his foot. The two surfers with Ian had moved in too. I felt like I was in a hunky man cave. Brittany kept hanging back, keeping an eye on the action.

  “Back off, V. We’re just talking here.” I nudged him with my running shoe. “Seriously, I want to hear this.”

  “Yes, I’m sure you do. Because I think you’ll lose at least five more pounds tonight if we do this my way.” Ian grinned when Flo and I gasped.

  “That would be incredible.” I sneezed again when Flo came up behind me.

  “You might get into that six before the Grammys after all, mia amica!” Flo patted my back when I sneezed once more and I grabbed my stomach. “Enough of this. I go wash off my perfume.”

  “No, don’t bother, Florence. Glory’s leaving.” Ian held up his hand.

  “I don’t think so.” Valdez growled for good measure.

  “The whole point was to stay in tonight, Ian. I have lots to do to get ready for the Grammys.” I put my hand on Valdez
’s head to discourage him from starting something.

  “Here’s how it works, Glory.” Trina pulled off her coat and I saw she had shorts and a tank underneath. I’d already noticed the running shoes on her feet. “You and I are going to run the twenty miles together. Then you come back here and take my blood. We’ll both be revved so it’ll really do you some good.”

  “Trina’s right. We’ve done this before with great results. I know a twenty-mile sprint should be no big deal for you, Glory. A vampire can run all night if she wants to.” Ian nodded toward Flo and smiled. “Though it’s easier in the right shoes.”

  “I would fly before I would ruin my shoes, signore. A vamp would have to be stupido to stay on the ground.” Flo flounced to a chair and sat, then seemed to remember that her best friend had spent centuries being afraid to shift and fly anywhere.

  “Oh, no, Glory. I didn’t mean . . . Amica, if you like to run, then run, of course.”

  “Thanks, Flo, but my feet are on fire and I feel like someone has ripped my intestines out through my belly button. This is a bad idea.” I couldn’t freakin’ believe this. Twenty miles? And all it would take is one Glory sighting and I’d have a caravan of tabloid reporters on my tail waiting for me to fall on my face. Which was a distinct possibility right now.

  “Now, Glory, surely you don’t hurt that much. Let’s start over. I don’t understand why you didn’t heal during your death sleep.” Ian led me to the couch. “Sit. Let me examine you.”

  “Lift her shirt and die, signore.” Flo was up again, had grabbed a pencil from the desk and had it aimed at Ian’s heart.

  His two bodyguards picked her up and plucked the pencil out of her hands before I could do more than wince. She screamed Italian invectives, but the men were obviously stronger than she was. Brittany piled on and one of them had to release Flo to deal with her. A lamp turned over and glass broke.

  “Make them let her go, Ian. Flo, he’s not going to lift my shirt, are you, Ian? He’s just going to look into my eyes. Simple stuff. And he’s a doctor, remember?”

  Valdez snarled, torn between loyalty to me and staying close by my side, and watching Flo being manhandled without going to her defense. Clearly Brittany was holding her own with the other guard.

  “Relax, Florence. Glory’s right. I just want to get to the bottom of this problem she has.” Ian lifted my wrist and took my pulse. “Set the woman down. If she comes at me again, you can stop her again.”

  “Frattaglie. Worthless pieces of shit. Apes!” Flo straightened her green silk blouse and checked her brown suede skirt for damage. “I kill them if they touch one hair on my head or on Glory’s head, I tell you.”

  Brittany threw a few choice words at the man she’d managed to almost strip of his shirt. Then she tossed her hair and took her position next to the balcony doors again.

  “Flo, honey, let Ian see if he can help me.” I rolled my neck as he felt behind my ears, then he lifted my lids to look into my eyes.

  “You look sleep deprived.”

  “I am. It’s those nightmares. I had another one last night. I hope your new formula stops those.” I sighed and looked down at Valdez. I sent him another silent message of thanks. I didn’t doubt he’d saved my life when I almost walked into the sun.

  “I have something that will make you feel better.” Ian pulled a syringe out of his black bag.

  “No way in hell.” Valdez headbutted Ian’s hand and the syringe went flying across the room. Brittany picked it up and put it out of sight. “She can do twenty miles without that, can’t you, Glory? I’ll be right there with you, Brittany too. What about you, Flo?”

  “In these boots?” Flo looked down at her new Ralph Lauren leather high-heeled boots. I knew she’d never worn them before. “I don’t think—” She and Valdez exchanged looks. “For my best friend? Of course.” She frowned at Ian. “I do heal in my sleep. I get a blister? Poof, is gone the next evening when I wake.”

  I got to my feet. Apparently I had to prove to everyone that I was Wonder Woman. And I did want to lose more weight. If this would take off five pounds in one night, then I would do twenty miles on my knees if I had to. Even if the paparazzi were snapping pictures of the ordeal.

  “Oh, Glory, you’re just the bravest woman I know.” Trina was all over me. Next thing I knew she was crumpled against the wall.

  “Flo! What was that about?” I limped over to check on Trina’s condition. She just grinned up at me and blew me a kiss.

  “She had her hand on your ass. Puttana!” Flo got in Trina’s face. “My friend doesn’t go that way. If she did, it wouldn’t be with a skinny bitch like you, you understand me? It would be with someone she loves.” Flo grabbed me and kissed me on the lips. “So hands off!”

  I leaned on Valdez as Trina got up and shot the finger at Flo. Well, that had been a cute little scene. And I didn’t dare wipe off my mouth, though I had a feeling I was sporting Tahitian Sunrise on my lips now. Fine. Everyone kept saying I looked pale anyway.

  “I have just one question. How are we going to get out of the hotel without being caught by the paparazzi?” I looked around. There were four women, three men and a dog in our party. We’d have as much luck sneaking out as a marching band playing “Hail to the Chief.”

  “There’s a park down the street where you can start the run. Shift out of here. Trina can meet you there.” Ian smiled and looked down at his Italian loafers. “Like Florence, I’m not dressed for a twenty-mile run and have no desire to join you. I’ll wait for you here.”

  Well, that didn’t exactly work for me. The idea that Ian would be left alone in our suite while we were all outside? No, not going to happen. Of course, a vampire can get in where he’s not supposed to be without breaking a sweat anyway.

  “I don’t think so, Ian.” I leaned against the door and looked at Flo, who was walking gingerly around the living room in her high-heeled boots. “Flo, honey, why don’t you stay here too? Maybe you can ask Ian about his program and some of his former clients. Richard would like more information, wouldn’t he?” Flo’s look of relief was almost comical. Then I sneezed again, doubling over to scream into my T-shirt.

  “Glory, are you sure you don’t need me?” Flo patted my back while I struggled to stand upright again.

  “I’m sure. Trina, you just run out the front door. No one’s going to follow you. Let’s shift out of here.” I limped toward the balcony.

  “Cool. I get to see you vamps shape-shift. I love that.” Trina clapped her hands. “Go for it, Glory. What do you like to turn into?”

  “Nothing.” The way I felt, I wondered if I even could shift. Brittany threw open the French doors.

  “Mia amica, are you sure you want to do this?” Flo rubbed what must be her lipstick from the corner of my mouth and gave Trina a superior look. “You don’t look well.”

  “Sure. I’m okay. And I’ll feel great after I feed from Trina. That really charges my battery.” I enjoyed the cool breeze on my face and already felt marginally better. “I’m just down from not getting the rest I’m used to. It’s a weird feeling. But it’s got to be temporary. And tomorrow night is my fitting.” I sighed. “I called Zia and told her to warn the designers that I’d been losing weight. She laughed it off. Probably figured I’d only lost a pound or two.”

  “Wait till they see you, girlfriend. So skinny. They’ll be blown away.” Flo grinned. “This Zia, she is smart. Reality shows, they like the drama. Your designers will be going crazy trying to make the dresses fit.”

  I held on to the balcony railing, working up the courage to shift. “Guess this is worth it.” The street was far below us and there was a beautiful sky above. A clear night, cool breeze and the lights of L.A. made me actually feel like flying for a change. It had to be better than standing on these aching feet. I leaned against Flo when she put her arm around me. “Of course it is. Totally.”

  Flo frowned. “I hope so.” She hugged me. “Be careful. Brittany, Valdez, take care of her. Don’t let
her out of your sight.”

  “You bet.” Valdez bumped my hip.

  “Hey, we’re two on two.” Brittany checked out Ian’s bodyguards. “No, make that two on zip. These guys are lame-ass losers.”

  “Oh? You want to go another round?” Surfer number one got in Brittany’s face.

  “Settle, children.” Ian stood beside me, looking me over again. “You think you can shift, Glory?”

  “I sure hope so. Just never has been my favorite thing to do. You guys go ahead. Valdez and I will be last.” I saw Brittany and Ian’s guards change and fly out following Ian’s directions.

  “We don’t have to do this. Grab your sunglasses and a scarf and I’ll do my Doberman thing. We’ll go out the back.” Valdez nudged me.

  “No, I can do this.” I closed my eyes, pictured a bat and flew out into the night sky. Valdez stayed by my side. I looked down and soon saw the park Ian had described. I actually felt better as the bat. Not so much stomach to ache. Too bad I couldn’t fly around here forever. I saw Trina jog out of the hotel entrance and down the street. I dive-bombed her just for the hell of it, enjoying her shrieks as I snatched at her hair. See? I’m not always sweet, easygoing Glory.

  When Trina arrived at the park and the waiting guards, I landed on the ground next to her and concentrated on shifting back. For a moment, I stalled. Yep, there was a real scary hesitation. Maybe because I knew my stomach pain was waiting for me. That and my aching feet. But I finally got a grip on my reluctance and did the necessary.

  “Ah, there you are. Hey, you attacked me.” Trina laughed.

  “That was so cool.” Obviously nothing fazed Trina. “And when you shifted . . . Man, you were just a blur and then off into the sky. Amazing!”

  “Great, glad I could entertain you. Now, let’s go.”

  “Stop! You’re hurting. So you need to stretch.” Trina got serious. She led me through a bunch of exercises that did work the kinks out of my knotted leg and thigh muscles.