Gerry Bartlett - Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

by Gerry Bartlett

  “We’ll start slow and then you can put on some speed if you feel like it. I know you vamps—you can run really fast if you want to. I hope you won’t just leave me in your dust, though. I hate it when vamps do that. It makes me feel so inadequate.” She sighed. “I can’t wait till Ian makes me a vampire.”

  I sat on a bench and patted the seat beside me. “Sit down for a minute, Trina. I want to talk to you.”

  “We really should go. We’re already warmed up.” She jogged in a small circle.

  “We can get warm again. Sit.” I pulled her down. “Now, listen. About becoming a vampire . . .”

  “I know. It’s so fantastic. Ian says you’re over four hundred years old and look at you! You could pass for under twenty-one anywhere. I bet you’re carded all the time in clubs.”

  I sighed. “Get a grip, Trina. They don’t card anyone in a vampire club and I wouldn’t bother going to a mortal one because I can’t drink alcohol.”

  “No chocolate martinis? No lemon drops?” Trina smiled. “I may be a bit of a fitness freak, but I do like my cocktails.”

  “Forget cocktails. Alcohol and vampires don’t mix.” I shook my head. “Listen carefully now, Trina. Yes, I’ve lived that long and, no, I’ve never aged. I’ve never had children either. That part of you dies along with the rest of you when you’re turned vampire. Ian explain that?”

  “No.” Trina got a thoughtful look. “But I probably wouldn’t be a good mother anyway. I can’t even keep a plant alive. And if I had kids first, then turned vampire, I’d either have to make them vampire too someday or watch them grow old and die. That would be a bummer, wouldn’t it?”

  Valdez snorted. Bummer. A word you’d use if your favorite TV program was preempted by a news break. Trina didn’t have a clue how permanent this decision was.

  Brittany was watching Ian’s men, who were obviously too bored to pay attention to a conversation they’d probably heard a thousand times. How many of these mortals had Ian used? And how many had actually made it to immortality? A quick romp through Thing One’s mind alarmed me. These mortals were disposable. Trina wasn’t about to get to the exalted level of vampire. When she started slowing down on the track or became too whiny for Ian’s taste, she’d be discarded, passed around among the guards at playtime, and they didn’t care if she accidentally got drained dry.

  Unfortunately, this was a common mind-set among old-school vamps. Damn. And here I thought Ian had evolved along with his love of technology.

  No way could I yell, “Run!” right here in front of the guards. But, before I was done with this program, I was going to have to figure out how to get her away from Ian. I was afraid the good old whammy wasn’t going to be enough. If Trina was a true vamp groupie, she’d just go home to an apartment painted black with the usual shrine to all things vampire and begin her obsession all over again. And Ian would know where to find her too.

  “Trina, don’t you like to eat?” I trotted out what I missed most about being mortal.

  “I’m a vegan. Not much joy in eating anymore. I can’t bring myself to eat anything with a face. And now I’ve read that even plants have feelings. Doesn’t leave much that doesn’t make me feel guilty.” Trina got up again. “You won’t talk me out of this, Glory. I’m determined.” She started moving in that stupid circle again. “Come on. Get up. We need to get started. You’re going to run like the wind.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not even in breeze mode tonight, so let’s just do what we need to, so I can get down to my ideal weight.” I knew a dead end when I hit one. I groaned as I got up and started off after her. She’d picked a trail through the trees that was well lit. We were followed by our two men, one woman and a dog, a real pack.

  She might be a dim bulb, but I had to admire Trina’s stamina. She was in great shape for a mortal. She kept a steady pace and basically ran a marathon with me beside her. I never heard her complain. No, she just listened to me whine when we hit an artificial hill that some demon of design had decided would challenge the runners in this park. And we ran the five-mile course a total of four times. So I saw that hill four times. I hated it. Finally we were both panting and starting what Trina called cooldown. She’d obviously studied at the same school of torture that Bill the trainer had.

  “Stretches and slow walking to finish this off, Glory. Then we can go back to the hotel.” Trina was glowing with the effects of our run. She obviously loved this stuff. A real twisted sister.

  “I’ve got an idea, Glory.” Valdez was panting some himself, and he smelled like a wet fur rug.

  “What?” I leaned over and held on to my quivering knees.

  “We jog right into the lobby of the hotel. The paparazzi will love it. You out for a run surrounded by bodyguards. Maybe you even stop and give them a quote. Something to make them look forward to your appearance on the red carpet.”

  “Not a bad idea, V.” Especially since I wasn’t sure I had the energy to shift again. I straightened slowly. Thank God my stomach didn’t hurt as badly as it had when we’d begun. Maybe because my feet had taken over first place in the pain game. Loved my new running shoes. They were cushiony, advertised as walking on pillows of air. Well, after twenty miles my pillows had gone flat and each step felt like the Devil himself was using a pitchfork on my soles.

  “They’ll take my picture. How do I look?”

  “Like you’ve been working out.” Trina brushed my hair out of my eyes. “Here.” She pulled a hand towel off the belt holding her fanny pack at her waist. “Wipe off your face and get rid of the rest of the lipstick your friend planted on you.” She grinned. “Now I have hope, sweetie. A little something goin’ on there? Even I have to admit Flo’s hot. Think she’ll ever want to do Ian’s program? Not that she needs it.”

  “Afraid not.” I didn’t bother denying anything. Whatever kept Trina off of me worked right now. I carefully blotted my face with the towel. “You got a hairbrush in there?”

  “Of course. Here. Or do you want me to do it for you?” She playfully held it up.

  “I can do it.” I grabbed it and got to work. “Vamps always have to work without a mirror, you know. Another reason not to go there. You can’t imagine what a horrible challenge it is.”

  “You aren’t talking me out of this, Glory.” Trina used the same towel on her face, inhaling my sweat in a way that made me want to hurl.

  When I was satisfied that I’d done all I could do to make myself camera worthy, I handed the things back to Trina and we headed out. No leash for Valdez, but that was no big deal. As we got near the entrance to the hotel, I could see the usual limos and waiting taxis in line. Then the flashes started.

  “It’s Glory St. Clair! Glory, what’s up?”

  I stopped, my band of brothers and sisters right behind me. “I’ve been working out. I’m determined to look good for the red carpet. Be sure to look for me at the Grammys, fellas. And watch for me on the reality show Designed to Kill.” I named the network and the air times. “Big surprises coming and Israel Caine will be on there with me!” I nodded and we all moved out, as coordinated as a high school drill team.

  Inside, I headed for the elevators but Trina stopped me. “Nope, let’s go for broke. We take the stairs.”

  “The suite’s on the twenty-third floor!” I wailed. Yep, wailed. What can I say? This was like the last straw. But Trina just smiled and pointed to her neck, then waved her wrist under my nose. Oh, yeah, the best was yet to come. I was going to lose big. And if we climbed those stairs . . .

  So we climbed. Twenty-two freakin’ flights. By ten I was ready to ride Valdez but realized that was cruelty to animals. Oh, yeah, right. He isn’t an animal, not of the four-legged variety anyway. See? I wasn’t even thinking straight at that point. I was crawling by the time we made it to the door of the suite. I handed my key card to Brittany and she let us in.

  Flo and Ian were playing cards. Cards! I wanted to smack both of them.

  “Feed me,” I croaked. At least I’d quit snee
zing. No energy for it.

  “Shower first. You’ll feel better and it’ll work just as well.” Ian was absolutely chirpy.

  “Valdez, toss him off the balcony.” I staggered toward my bathroom, but stopped and turned. “Flo, is Nathan here?”

  “No, we’re the only ones home.” Flo gathered up some bills. Obviously they’d played for money.

  “Trina, you can shower in the other bathroom. Put on one of the shirts in the closet there. Nathan won’t notice. He has fifteen identical white button-downs.”

  “Thanks, Glory. I’ll be sweet and clean for your feeding.” Trina smirked at Flo. “Glory loves to take from me. It’s very . . . erotic.” She danced off toward the other bedroom accompanied by Flo’s Italian curses. Danced. Like she hadn’t just run twenty miles and walked up those flights of stairs.

  “Are you all right, Glory?” Flo hurried to my side. “Yuck, you’re sweating.”

  “Yeah, it was rough but I survived.” I sniffed. “I’m disgusting. Finish your card game. See if you can win back the fee for my weight-loss program.”

  Ian moved into the doorway. “Not going to happen. I never bet that much.” He touched my cheek. “Hurry up with that shower, Glory. You’re very weak, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. If you hear a thump, Flo, come pick me up and wrap me in a towel. No one else sees my butt. Got it, pal?” I knew I sounded loopy, but couldn’t seem to stop myself.

  “Go, Glory. I’ll take care of you.” Flo pushed me toward the bathroom. “Call if you need me.”

  I shut myself inside the bathroom and stripped off my stinky clothes. Before I could think too much, I turned on the water and stepped into the shower. The hot water revived me enough to shampoo my hair and wash my body, but I got out quickly and pulled on one of the comfy robes the hotel provided.

  I stopped with my hand on the bathroom door, reminded of the robes Jerry and I had worn at Chip’s house. What was Jerry doing tonight? God, if he dropped by and found Ian . . . I picked my cell phone up out of the charger. No calls. That was either good news or bad. Good that Jerry hadn’t left a message that he was on his way over. Bad that Jerry still wasn’t speaking to me. One thing was clear. I needed to get MacDonald out of here as soon as possible.

  I grabbed a towel and wrapped my wet hair in it, then headed to the bedroom but only made it as far as the bed. Exhaustion hit me right between the eyes. So . . . tired. A knock on the door interrupted the first sleep I’d had in what seemed like forever.

  “What?” I opened one eye.

  “It’s me, Glory. I’m here for you,” Trina sang as she opened the door. She wore one of Nathan’s shirts and her shorts.

  “We’ve got to do the feeding now. Ian says the effects of our run are fading fast.”

  “Okay, come here and give me your wrist.” I pushed myself up and shoved a pillow behind me.

  Trina frowned as she was quickly stepped inside, Brittany on one side of her and Flo on the other. Obviously this wasn’t going to be the fun and games the mortal had imagined.

  “Sit on the side of the bed. Do not touch Glory.” Flo pushed Trina down and then came around to sit on my other side.

  “Hey, I’m a willing donor. I don’t deserve to be treated this way.” Trina looked from Flo to Brittany. “Glory, tell them. You and I get along fine. We don’t need them around while we do this.”

  “That’s okay, Trina. I’m fine with them here. Now, please your master and me, and be quiet. I need this.” I took her wrist and inhaled the delicious scent of mortal blood thrumming under her warm skin. Then my fangs were in and I took her life force. I immediately knew this was something special. My heart raced and my toes curled. Not only curled, but my aching feet actually quit aching. Wow.

  I drank greedily until Flo’s hand squeezed my shoulder.

  “Enough, Glory. I don’t like this mortal, but you’ve had enough.”

  I pulled out and licked the punctures closed. Trina’s eyes were shut and her face was deathly pale. What had I done?

  “Trina?” I touched her cheek and her eyes popped open.

  “I’m fine, Glory.” She grinned. “I love it when you do that. Lose your mind. It’s so . . . orgasmic. Is it like that for you?”

  “Out! I do not have to listen to this.” Flo jumped up and grabbed one of Trina’s arms, then pushed her at Brittany. “Remove her.” Flo turned her back on Trina’s squeal of outrage as Brittany picked her up and hauled her to the door.

  “Glory, don’t let them treat me this way!”

  Brittany clapped a hand over Trina’s mouth and shut the door with her foot before I could answer.

  “I don’t care what this person does for you, Glory. Is better to take from a stranger than to have to deal with all this garbage. I should have let you drain her dry. We toss her skinny ass off the balcony. Eh?” Flo frowned when we heard one last Trina screech from the other side of the closed door.

  “Oh, come on, Flo. You sound”—I bit back the word, but I was thinking jealous—“like you never had a mortal pet before. Didn’t you once live with a group of vampires who kept mortals with them like that? I’ve heard your stories.”

  “Yes, and it never ends well.” Flo sighed and settled back on the bed beside me. “They either want to be vampires or someone drinks too much and they end up dead. I’m over all that. It’s better to hang out only with vampires. No complications like that podista.” She waved toward the living room and Trina.

  There was a knock on the door. “Speaking of complications. Here’s one. I’m sure that’s Ian. Come in.” I sat up straighter, making sure my robe was closed up to my neck.

  “Glory, how are you feeling now?” He glanced at Flo, then came closer.

  “Better. The feeding from Trina was fantastic. But the workout was brutal. She even made me climb the stairs!” I felt Flo’s hand on my arm.

  “She goes too far, Ian. You should fire her scrawny butt.” Flo winced when I glared at her.

  “She’s just doing her job, Flo.” I turned back to Ian. I knew he didn’t “fire” mortals; he terminated them. “Don’t fire her. She’s great. Couldn’t have done all that work without her encouragement.”

  “Get dressed and let’s do your weigh-in, then. I know you’re anxious to see the results.” Ian and Flo exchanged looks. “As for Trina, I’ve sent her home. She won’t be causing any more scenes. She needs to learn her place.”

  “Weigh in. I can’t believe I almost forgot that part.” I hopped out of bed. “I’ll get dressed, but, Ian, I mean it. Trina’s just enthusiastic about her job. I can deal with it. Don’t hurt her.” I really didn’t want Ian to think it was time to get rid of Trina altogether.

  “I apologize if I gave you the impression I was going to get rid of Trina.” He smiled. “She needs to learn restraint, but if you’re happy, I’m happy.” Ian gestured for Flo to precede him. “We’ll wait for you in the living room.”

  “You’re more forgiving than I would be, Glory. I just hope this is worth it for you.” Flo slid past Ian. “I’m glad I was already a size I like when I was turned, signore. This program of yours is very complicated.”

  “But are you totally satisfied with all aspects of the vampire life, my dear?” Ian closed the bedroom door but I could still hear his smooth voice. “I have other products you might be interested in, Florence. Products very easy to use but with great potential for enhancing your pleasure. Let me tell you about some of them.”

  I really didn’t like the idea of Flo succumbing to one of Ian’s sales pitches. Did she crave sunlight? Was her current favorite lipstick color a clue? Tahitian Sunrise, not Sunset. And what other products did he offer? Flo’s always really been into sex. If Ian had something comparable to the Vampire Viagra that the Energy Vampires sold, she’d be all over it.

  Well, I couldn’t worry about that now. Besides, Flo had a strong husband to rein her in if necessary. Yeah, right. Richard would have as much luck reining in a herd of rampaging were-hyenas during a full moon. Trust me, t
hose guys will not be herded. I was smiling as I checked out my closet and decided to put on exactly the same outfit that I’d worn when I’d first gone out to Ian’s. It would be perfect for a weight comparison. I didn’t bother with shoes.

  When I stepped into the living room, Flo was going over a slick brochure. When she saw me, she quickly tucked it into her purse. Hmm. So she was thinking about getting into some of Ian’s goodies. I wish I honestly believed they were 100 percent safe. But the roller-coaster ride his supplements had taken me on didn’t exactly inspire a testimonial, and Flo knew that. Her decision. Still, I’d have felt better if she’d tossed the brochure into the trash can.

  “I’m ready. Let’s do this.” I gestured toward the powder room where Nathan had set up my scale. It was going to be a tight squeeze to get both Ian and me in there. No way was Valdez going to fit too. He wasn’t going to like that.

  Ian picked up his clipboard. “It’s also time to measure you again.” He looked in the bathroom. “After I weigh you, we can do that in the bedroom.”

  “Good idea.” Actually, I couldn’t wait to see how many inches I’d lost. My jeans now bagged in the seat, and the T-shirt was loose. Hell, even my bra cup didn’t have overflow anymore. I was on cloud nine.

  “You’re not closing that bathroom door.” Valdez stood in the doorway. “No one will be able to see your freakin’ weight, Glory. I’ll stand guard out here, back to the scale. Will that work for you?”

  “Fine. Do what you have to, just don’t look.” I turned to Ian. “Okay, I’m ready.” I stepped on the scale. I watched breathlessly as Ian adjusted the weights. It took so long I finally closed my eyes.

  “Okay, you can look now.”

  “Oh, my God!” I jumped off the scale and straight into his arms. I planted a kiss on his lips that sent Valdez into a growling fit. Tough. I was grateful.

  “Thanks, Glory.” Ian set me down between him and my bodyguard. Brittany was now there too in case V needed backup.

  I reached back and slipped the weights to zero, then wiped at my eyes. “I lost eight more pounds!” I leaned down and hugged Valdez next. “Can you believe it? That’s a total of—” My mind went blank.