by RJ Johnson
Alex worried at the thought of Scott’s “plan”; he didn’t like being out of control. But this was Scott’s home turf, and he knew the protocols. Besides, it was too late to back out.
The Suburban rolled to a stop next to Carl’s shack. Scott rolled the window back down.
“Heeey,” Scott tilted his head forward to look at the security man’s badge, “Carl! Hey, man, how are you?”
The Hispanic man raised his heavy lidded eyes with disinterest at the two men before him.
“Professor Ermy, you are aware that visitors to this complex are not allowed past the hours of…”
Scott waved him off as Alex mouthed, “Professor Ermy?” and winked quickly at him.
“Right, yeah I know, but the thing is,” Scott paused as he struggled to improvise. Alex shook his head. This might be rough. “This is Dr. Hfurfur, from CERN in Switzerland, and he needs to get into my lab to observe a critical set of conditions that are developing right now.”
Over the years, Alex had been trained to avoid displaying and expressing emotion in high-tension situations. At this moment, it took every ounce of that to restrain the impulse to throttle his friend for referencing a Steven Martin movie at a time like this. An old, childish game between the two; between the two of them growing up, they had watched well over 500,000 hours of television, most of it Star Trek, animated cartoons, The Simpsons, and movies by Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey.
Their parents (never all that hip to pop culture) struggled to understand the boys as they talked about girls and school parties in parable forms in front of their parents. Scott’s greatest pleasure was derived from making those random references in front of clueless strangers, and it was Alex’s job to play along, having to correctly guess Scott’s reference. It became a game, a secret that the two of them could share at any given moment. Listening to his friend snow the security guard now using their childhood game, his heart glowed, knowing that even in the most serious of circumstances, his friend was trying to make him laugh.
“Fantastic,” the uninterested security guard replied. “Where’s his pass, and for that matter, where’s YOUR pass, sir?”
Scott’s face fell. The charm was not working.
“Carl, it’s me, Scott. You know, Scotty bo botty, banana fanna…” Scott trailed off as he noticed he wasn’t making a dent in the man’s resolve.
The security guard tilted his head back towards the monitors as he began a well-practiced speech cultivated to defend from insistent professors demanding lab use during inappropriate hours over the years.
The rules were written for a reason, and Carl figured it wasn’t up to him to violate them. If Professor Ermy wanted to get this man into the lab, he would have to make the appropriate calls and wake someone higher on the food chain for permission. Until then, Carl continued his speech, completely oblivious to Scott’s presence.
“You have been well briefed on the protocols involved in such an exception request. I can’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone into this complex without prior authorization from either a Board Member or a Vice Chairman in charge of…”
Scott interrupted, “Right, yes, I know the rules, Carl, but this is a time-critical experiment and lives could be lost if we don’t get to it right away.”
“Professor, if it were critical, I would have received a call,” Carl replied, completely unconvinced. He turned back to his magazine in an attempt to indicate the discussion was over.
Scott turned helplessly and shrugged at Alex. Thinking for a moment, Alex smiled and began to speak flawless German to Scott. Carl’s brow furrowed.
“What’d he say?” Carl asked suspiciously his eyes narrowing.
Scott’s eyes moved back and forth in his eye sockets as he wildly tried to come up with something. “Ahh, I’m having a little trouble with the translation, because you know,” he said pointedly to Alex, “I haven’t taken German since HIGH SCHOOL.”
Alex rolled his eyes and started again. This time, Scott caught more than a few words, as he haltingly translated for Carl.
“He’s saying, umm…” Scott struggled, “that the atmospheric conditions are more perfect now than any other time in history for a snapshot of the troposphere and its reaction to global climate change so far…” Scott said slowly, but picking up speed as he waited for Alex to make his point. “The problem is, the longer we wait, the harder it will be for us to track this data.”
Alex continued on in German, ending with a large waving of his arms, making a “WHOOSH!” sound, which Scott faithfully nodded along to.
“It’s a reaction to the recent eruption in Southern Sri Lanka. You might have heard about it.”
“Sri Lanka?” Carl asked, bemused at the strange, fast talking German in front of him.
“Yes, tragic situation really,” Scott said sadly, his eyes pointing towards Heaven, mourning the lost souls. “It was a village of two thousand, right on the edge of a caldera that’s been just waiting to erupt for millions of years.” Scott imitated Alex’s movements poorly. “Whoosh, gone, just like that.”
Carl’s stomach fell. Those poor people.
Scott was encouraged by Carl’s reaction. It was time to lay the guilt on thick: “So what do you say, Carl? Can you let me and Dr. Hfhurhur into my lab to record the conditions before it’s too late?”
“What does that have to do with global warming?” Carl asked, not entirely convinced.
“You know, Carl,” Scott said, his eyes widening. He had pushed too hard. It would take a little more manipulation. “That…uhh… That right there is an excellent question.” Scott turned back to Alex, panic in his eyes.
Alex was caught off guard by the question. It was a good one.
Like all great moments in BS’ing, inspiration struck, and Alex began to babble on once again in German.
Scott began to nod and translated his friend’s story at the same time. “Volcanoes are giant CO2 machines, and this volume of CO2 pushed into the air in this short amount of time has never yet been measured accurately by our current instruments.” Alex fell silent as Scott continued on his own, the theory taking shape in his own head as he figured out where Alex was going. “The idea is that if we point some of our satellites and spectrographs at the volcano’s plume and watch where the various gasses go, how they dissipate and whatnot, well, we might find a way to control them and effectively ‘clean’ our atmosphere someday.” Scott sighed loudly. “But it would be a shame if we couldn’t research this.”
Alex nodded along soulfully, tragically stricken by the oncoming global disaster, and said in heavily accented English, “Catastrophe.”
Carl was mollified; it was easy to get caught up in the rules sometimes when that’s all that protected you from losing your job and spending your nights on the street. He sometimes forgot that there were people here, real, important, smart people working towards making a better tomorrow not just for themselves, but for all of humanity. He pushed the buzzer on his console, the gate rising in front of them.
“Thanks Carl,” Scott said solemnly, “This is going to be one of those anecdotal stories you hear all the time in science. You’ll be the security guard that bravely broke the rules so research could continue no matter what the time of night.”
Carl’s heart swelled with pride. He also sometimes forgot that as a part of this whole machine there at JPL, he was also helping, in his own small way, for the betterment of mankind. He smiled towards the two and waved.
“Sorry, guys. You know how it can be.”
“Of course, Carl. We get it.” Scott put the truck into gear. Opening his door, Alex waved with a giant goofy smile on his face, shouting in halting English. “Thank you, for, your contribution, to the sciences of man today.”
Scott leaned over the seat, grabbing Alex’s leg. “Come along, Doctor Hfurfur. There’s work to be done.”
Carl waved at the retreating Suburban. He shook his head.
“Scientists are fucking weird.” He turned on his mini-televisio
n, where Conan O’Brien was talking to that muppet dog. He giggled and picked up his TV dinner.
Once they were safely back on the road leading in towards the JPL campus, Scott eyed his friend from the driver’s seat suspiciously. “Picked up a few things in the last six years, have we?”
Alex ignored the question, “Hang on a second. Before we go into my mysterious past, you wanna explain the Man With Two Brains thing back there? I’m actually running for my life right now, you know.”
“Hey! I’m along for the ride too.” Scott fired back angrily. “Besides, Carl wasn’t gonna get that reference, AND, might I add, wherever you’ve been for the last six years doesn’t excuse you yelling at your friend for trying to make you laugh.” Scott snapped back.
Alex raised his finger, ready to shout down Scott’s accusation, but suddenly he flashed on the two of them watching the movie together as kids and laughing their heads off. He giggled at the absurdity of the situation and lowered his hand. They got into JPL; Scott’s scheme had worked, so he had no right to be angry.
“All right, where’s your friggin’ lab?”
Scott nodded, a smile forming on his lips as he began to recognize his friend again.
“It’s further down this road, against the mountain.”
“Nice place?” Alex asked.
Scott smiled.
“Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory was a nice place,” Scott said pausing for effect. “I create entire worlds here.”
The car pulled into the JPL campus, the road winding down towards a semi-circular valley where several buildings were nestled neatly against the foothills of the San Bernardino Mountains.
Alex was surprised at the appearance of JPL. The campus was a mixed collection of uninspired architecture from the seventies, when most of the money was poured into R&D instead of making the place look pretty. But, as the campus grew, the buildings began to mix, some with the sensibilities and designs of modern office buildings, and others that spoke of lofty grandeur and wouldn’t look out of place in an Ivy League school back east.
Whatever the buildings may have lacked in aesthetic pleasures, they more than made up for in equipment, brainpower and personnel. The institution boasted the most brilliant collection of scientific minds this side of CERN, the particle physics lab in Geneva, Switzerland.
Scott pulled into his JPL parking space, stamped with his name and PhD credentials on the wall facing the windshield. Scott grinned as he poked Alex in the ribs, nodding and jerking his thumb like a proud father showing off during his son’s T-ball game.
“Eh? Eh? How about the kid now, huh?” Scott grinned, “I don’t see your name on any concrete walls telling the world where you can park.” The friendly rivalry that they had grown up with had encouraged them both to achieve more.
“You rocket scientists and your egos.” Alex wryly smiled.
“I gotta say, it feels good to be a man with a name plate on the wall.” Scott said, staring with great satisfaction at his spot on the wall. “If you get to have a stone that instantly cures you of any injury – no matter how gruesome...?” Scott looked back, his eyebrows raised questioningly.
“So far, anyway…” Alex replied thoughtfully. He hadn’t considered that. The stone had protected him from gunshot wounds and broken legs so far. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to test anything more extreme on himself anytime soon.
“Well then, sir, allow me the indulgence to dream about some future civilization uncovering JPL and finding my name scrawled on the wall as they imagine what sort of gods we must have been.” Scott’s eyes glazed over as he imagined the future archeologists excitedly brushing the concrete wall, exposing his name to the elements.
Alex snapped his fingers, awaking his friend back into the present.
“Besides,” Scott said with a smirk, “it irks the hell out of Peabody that I got a closer space than his, even after he discovered a planet.”
Alex regarded his friend with a long look as they began to walk towards a pair of glass doors.
“You’ve clearly gone insane. You know that, right?” Alex asked with a smirk.
Scott gave up; he knew when he was being condescended to.
“Fine, whatever. We’re a bunch of nerds. I get it.”
“But not just any nerds,” Alex said proudly punching him in the shoulder, “We gonna stand out here all night, or are you gonna show me around?”
“I’m not sure you deserve it anymore with shots like that.” Scott replied petulantly. He looked up at the camera pointed at the front door.
Scott quickly typed the code to the lock, and the indicator light clicked green, the magnetic lock releasing. The sound of the metal bolts clicked sharply in the cold night air. Scott opened the door for his friend and they both entered quickly. They walked down a short hallway that ended with a single door. Scott smiled broadly.
“Seriously, check this out…” Scott’s goofy grin only got bigger as moved his hand next to the door, looking for a thin crack in the wood. Finding what he was looking for, he tilted it down and revealed a black plastic faceplate. The panel brightened, lights turning on as Scott placed his palm gently on the screen. The panel beeped as it began analyzing Scott’s palm, comparing it to the stored example in JPL’s main computer database.
Beeping quietly, the elevator door slid open. Scott turned to Alex nodding.
“Come on, you’ve got to give it up for hidden palm print scanner, secret elevator action right here. I mean, if the name plate and parking spot weren’t going to electrify you, a slice of awesome cake like this has got to do the trick, right?”
“Neat toy,” Alex said, looking around, trying hard not show how impressed he really was. “Is Agent 99 around here somewhere?”
“Hey, I told you, we deal with some top secret stuff here. “ Scott retorted hotly.
“Cool.” Alex paused for a moment. “So who killed Kennedy?”
“Alex…”
“What can you tell me about Roswell?”
“Alex, I mean, that’s not even…”
“Is this the building where they faked the moon landing? Cause I’ve always wanted to see that.” Alex began to bounce up and down on the balls of his feet, simulating Neil Armstrong on the moon. “That’s one small step for man, that’s one giant…wait, dammit…line!” Alex giggled at his own joke. Scott laughed politely as he rolled his eyes back at his friend.
“Grow up, why don’t you? This is serious business.”
“Yes Scott, I’m well aware of that,” Alex said pointedly, “Try taking a .45 caliber bullet to your lungs, have it heal instantly with no pain, and you’ll see how seriously I take it.”
Scott frowned as he took Alex’s point. “Well, I cede the match to you then, good sir.”
They entered the elevator. Scott pressed the lower of two buttons.
“Wait, you take an entire elevator to your lab?” Now Alex was impressed. “OK, now that’s pretty cool right there.”
“I wouldn’t quite call it an elevator, actually; it’s more like a boxed-in escalator. We’re heading more diagonal than straight down. My lab’s situated several hundred feet deep in the mountain. Plenty of room to work and operate.” Scott paused as the high speed elevator slowed to a stop. The doors opened, revealing a dark and spacious room.
Scott stepped inside, humming to himself as he flipped switches that brought his lab to life. Immediately, machines began humming and computer screens flickered to life, the LED screens flipping on all over the lab. Scott continued talking as he led them on.
“…and most importantly, being down here, we do not have to worry about blowing the good people of Pasadena up.” Scott said dryly as he wove his way through the equipment in the room. He stopped in front of one that resembled a large barrel-like lathe. Alex stared at his friend shaking his head.
“This machine right here will tell us all we need to know, but I’ll need to take a small slice of the stone.” Scott said extending his hand towards Alex.
“Is
it dangerous?” Alex hesitated, suspiciously looking over the contraption. “I don’t want to do anything that will corrupt or damage the, uh,” he stopped for a moment, unsure of how to describe it, “power, I guess you’d call it, in the stone.”
Scott’s eyebrows rose. “I doubt it; the machine will take a slice less than one tenth of a nanometer thick, way tinier than a human hair. I promise it’s not gonna hurt it, dude.”
Deciding between knowing the truth and losing the only chip he had wasn’t exactly easy for Alex. If Scott’s faith in science was justified, his instruments would go a long way in answering some basic questions about what was going on. On the other hand, if something went wrong, he risked losing the power that made this stone so valuable in the first place.
In the end, Alex thought, what good would the stone be if he didn’t know where it came from, or what it was capable of? The stone looked innocent enough, yet it had already shown so much power, so why would he assume that anything Scott had at his disposal could hurt it? Alex shrugged. What was the harm? Besides, this was what they came for.
Alex handed the stone to Scott. He took the stone and placed it carefully in a three-pronged vice grip, adjusting the instrument precisely.
“How much of the stone are you gonna have to take?” Alex asked cautiously.
“You won’t even notice it’s gone, I promise.”
Scott handed a pair of goggles to Alex, then lowered a plastic shield in front of his face to protect his own eyes. As he put on the goggles, Alex recalled one of his and Scott’s all-time favorite jokes.
“De goggles, dey do nossing!” Alex gasped in a bad Austrian accent.
Scott burst out laughing at his friend’s display. The two men had grown up together worshiping the antics of Bart, Homer and the rest of the characters on The Simpsons. Alex clasped his hand on his friend’s back as he smiled at him. “I wasn’t mad about the stuff at the gate. Matter of fact, I was trying not to die laughing, man. I just don’t want to see you hurt is all. You know?”
“I do,” Scott nodded, “I’m just happy to see you too, and I couldn’t resist it. Now, you think we can get on with the cutting before we get too Lifetime with each other?”
