by M. F. Lorson
Chapter 16
No one was given any information for the first 24 hours, every minute of which was unbearable for me. I didn’t know whether she was truly hurt or just taking the fall for our operation. When the announcement came over the loudspeaker that we were all to gather in the gym, I knew the news wasn’t going to be good. Dean Humphries addressed the student body exactly three times a year. Orientation, graduation and the pre-cut assembly, other than that he worked largely behind the scenes. Which meant whatever he was about to say was necessity and all too likely something I didn’t want to hear. He started in a predictable fashion. “I’ve gathered you here today because we have a growing concern on this campus.” I’d heard this sort of thing before. I didn’t care about intros and accusations I wanted the meat of the speech. I wanted to know where my friend was and why the blue button had been set off. “Last night a young woman was assaulted on our campus.” My stomach, already a nervous wreck instantly transformed into an ocean of bile. “As many of you know this is the second attack of this nature this semester.” Dean Humphries continued but I couldn’t hear him. My body wouldn’t let me hear him. Across the gym Hayden’s face hardened. The anger boiling up under his skin, the vein protruding from his temple. I didn’t need to ask what he was thinking. I knew that he knew every bit as well as I, that if we hadn’t been doing what we were doing Robyn would be with us now, not holed away with the school counselor, talking about things we wouldn’t ever be able to relate to, understand, or make up for. It was the second time I had failed a friend who needed me. The second time I had walked away unscathed while someone else stood at the mercy of a monster. I didn’t stick around waiting to hear how the dean intended to protect the campus. It was highly unlikely that any such method would be successful. Curfew hadn’t changed a damn thing. I found myself crouched in a bathroom stall, hovering over the toilet, retching until my insides felt like there was nothing left to do but ring themselves out like a dirty dish rag. Moments passed, just me and my conscience for company. I should have known that was too good to last. Soon enough the assembly ended and the gym fell silent. The bathroom however, had a new tenant. Outside the stall a foot tapped relentlessly. I didn’t want to face Ms. Lewis or anyone else who thought it was their responsibility to haul me back into the gymnasium. Wasn’t puking some kind of universal get out of jail free card? Next came a knock on the stall. Apparently not.
“Are you coming out anytime soon?” It was Wanda. I recognized her voice immediately. Shit shit and more shit. I didn’t need this right now.
“Do I have to?”
“Mrs. Lewis seems to think so.” I was silent. I didn’t want to argue with Wanda or Mrs. Lewis but I also didn’t want to leave my friend the toilet seat. “As far as I’m concerned she can take it where the sun don’t shine. But she asked me to come check on you so….that’s what I’m doing…checking.” This was the longest conversation I had ever had with Wanda, and absolutely the only exclusive one. I thought of her art all neatly tucked away in its velvet trays. She could make beautiful things so why was she so ugly on the inside?
“I’m not feeling well. I can’t listen to that speech anymore. If Mrs. Lewis wants to do something about me she should do it herself.” Wanda sighed.
“I don’t blame you.” Her voice was kind. I didn’t expect that. To me she was an ice queen. Beautiful to look at but dangerous. “I know you don’t like me. I know how I come across to people.” I cut her off.
“You dumped Robyn’s trunk on the floor on the first night. You taunt her ALL the time. How you come across is how you are.” Wanda was silent for a moment. Maybe she didn’t really know what to say to that. It was easy to make vague statements like “I know how people think of me.” but harder to prove those things were actually wrong. Wanda opened the bathroom stall. I searched her face for anger but it wasn’t there. She was calm, collected, which was more than I could say for myself. I was a wreck, physically and emotionally.
“If we are going to talk, I don’t want there to be a door between us.” She had a point and I couldn’t exactly refute with but if I come out it will be easier for you to kick my ass. Wanda walked over to the radiator. Sitting on the edge of it so that the warm air filled her navy blue tights.
“I’m not used to the chill around here yet. It’s not Alaska I get that but I’m still not used to it.” I had never considered where Wanda was from. She didn’t talk much about home. She talked about things she had done, mistakes she had made, but she never talked about the people and places. For whatever reason she wanted to talk now and I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t going to choose now to pick a fight.
“I know what you mean. I’m from Southern California. It's sunny most of the time there I don’t know what to do with myself.” Wanda gave a weak smile.
“I’m from there too.” We had something in common. Who knew? I was beginning to realize what I had already known for some time. Wanda may be a bully, but that’s not all she is. She had fiercely loyal friends, and a skill she was dedicated to improving. Whether I wanted to believe it or not Wanda was more than a bully.
“Are you going to get in trouble for staying in here and talking to me? I mean aren’t you supposed to haul me out of here?” Wanda laughed.
“Something like that. But. No I won’t get in trouble. I told Mrs. Lewis we needed to talk more than you needed to hear that assembly.”
“And she just agreed with you? Just like that?”
“She’s been counseling me since I got here. So yeah, she agreed. She trusts me.” I was blown away. I didn’t even know counseling was an option here. I thought counseling was for incidents like what happened with Robyn, not the everyday dealings of the teenage girl.
“Why do you see her?” It was bold to ask but I knew that this might be my only opportunity to ask.
“A lot of the girls here have moved past why they came here. I’ve been struggling to do that. Mrs. Lewis knew it would be a problem for me so in my initial interview she made it a condition that I see her weekly. I didn’t like the idea but it was weekly sessions and Huntley and Drake or stay in my home.”
“Wait, so you weren’t in Juvie?” Wanda took in a long breath.
“I’ve been there before, for stupid things. I’ve done a lot of stupid things but, I wasn’t there when the dean and Mrs. Lewis came to meet me.”
“But why would you choose here over home? If you weren’t court ordered why not finish school in California?”
“Have you seen those meth commercials? The ones where the addict talks about getting over her addictions and re-entering her life?”
“Yeah, I vaguely remember that one.”
“Well those commercials were hokey as hell but part of them made sense. You have to change your environment, your people place and things. If you really want to break free.”
“So you were an addict?”
“No. But I needed to change my people place and things. Otherwise I would have stayed what I was and that person disgusts me.” She was right. The closer you were to the things that drew you in, the harder it was to look past them. I couldn’t be a bus ride away from the man in the blue house anymore. As long as he was down the street I couldn’t be me. I could think of only two things Chelsea and revenge. I didn’t know what things haunted Wanda.
“But why did you volunteer to come talk to me? We haven’t exactly been friends?”
“We haven’t NOT been either.” She had a point. “Besides what happened to Robyn almost happened to me. I want to help.”
“That’s nice and all but I don’t see what you can do.” Wanda mulled it over for a second.
“She’s missing something right?” I didn’t answer. “I mean when she tore the barrack apart it wasn’t just some hormonal tantrum. She was looking for something.” I nodded.
“Well, I can get it back for her.”
“Don’t you mean you can give it back?” Wanda’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“I didn’t take it. If that’s
what you're implying.”
“Then how can you get it back?” Wanda rolled her eyes,
“You're not as smart as you look. I know who did take it.”
“And you think they’ll just give it to you, because you ask them to?” Wanda stood up, brushing the lint off the back of her tights.
“In case you hadn’t noticed. I don’t struggle to get what I want. I’ll get the necklace before Robyn gets back and I’ll tell Mrs. Lewis you're on your way out.” I looked longingly at the bathroom stall I had only minutes ago, emptied the contents of my stomach into.
“In a moment” Wanda paused by the bathroom door.
“This doesn’t make us best friends” I smiled.“It doesn’t make us enemies either.”
Chapter 17
It was a week before Robyn returned to campus. I didn’t know what I was more afraid of seeing her again or not seeing her. I was beginning to realize that I ranked pretty low on the friendometer. Thus far this term I had neglected to learn anything real about her, neglected to detect when she was in the depths of despair, and managed to stand by idly while she was assaulted. Maybe I was reading too far into things but it seemed no one could be my friend without terrible consequence. When she did return I didn’t know what to say. It reminded me of that time in fourth grade when a girl on my soccer teams mom died. I’d never had any trouble talking to her before but knowing that she felt something I couldn’t possibly relate to made things awkward at best. Instead, I avoided her all summer in hopes that the school year would somehow erase what had happened in June. It didn’t and our friendship never rebounded. That’s not what I wanted for Robyn and I but then again, how do you start that conversation? Luckily I didn’t have to. It was late at night when Robyn returned to the barracks. No one was awake, no one but me of course. I hadn’t been sleeping well. She was escorted by Sydney who said nothing yet suddenly seemed warmer. I guess the two of them had seen a lot of each other this past week. I wanted to say something, what I didn’t know. I figured when Sydney left it would come to me, but it didn’t. Instead I lay in the darkness thinking of all the colossal failures I’d contributed to our friendship. It was Robyn who broke the ice. In the dark I could hear the rustle of sheets as she rolled onto one arm. She was facing me now. So it was no use feigning sleep. Even though it was pitch black in the barrack, I could see the shape of her. I could see the whites of her eyes, locked tightly with mine. I could see the path of tears pooling and sliding, over her cheeks and under her chin. And I could see her long, pretty, cosmopolitan hand, as it reached across the space between us in search of mine. I fell asleep like that. Her hand in mine, our arms a barrier that no one could cross. I wouldn’t let them. Not ever. I ached for friendship that was here and now. For the first time in a long time I didn’t dream about the woods.
Chapter 18
I was in sociology when I had my first post-bathroom interaction with Wanda. I thought there would be a brief period of solidarity but I was wrong. If anything I had gone from an unknown to the top of her shit list. Or so it appeared. In class discussion she refuted every comment I made. In the barracks she made a point of giving a subtle shove whenever the two of crossed paths, and I couldn’t help but notice that she, Ariel and Liz seemed to share more than a few laughs at my expense. In the library however, she was a force to be reckoned with, flirting with Hayden from across the room, breaking up our study time to ask biology questions a monkey could have answered. I figured it was her way of letting me know she was still the alpha, but when she shimmied onto the table between Hayden and I, swinging her long tan legs back and forth and giggling at everything he said, I realized she was using her newfound comfort zone with me to move in on Hayden.
It was kind of brilliant really. She knew I wouldn’t put up a fight and she knew that to everyone else it would look like she was moving in on my territory, a good solid move for someone who prided herself on scaring the bejeezus out of the general public. I looked like a chump and she looked as in control as ever. I had to hand it to her when it came to social games she knew what she was doing. I had plenty of time to think while the two of them engaged in medieval courting rituals. The number one thing on my mind lately? Robyn. Thanks to recent events she was acting certifiably crazy. She rambled endlessly about when we would try again for her necklace. It was more likely the attack than the necklace that was bothering her, but she wouldn’t shut up about that stupid trinket. I wanted to be a good friend but the job was starting to take its toll. Aside from acting particularly looney on a regular basis, Robyn only made it to about half her classes. The dean was being lenient considering she had good reason to be distracted but there was no way she was making cuts if she didn’t shape up. I wanted to ask Wanda if there had been any progress with the necklace but she would have flipped if I so much as hinted that we’d ever had a real conversation. Luckily I didn’t have to say anything. When she’d finally had enough of Hayden’s charm she slid off the table, slipping a football shaped note in my lap in the process.
To anyone else in the room it would appear I had been invisible to her, just an inanimate object sitting across from the source of her attention, but in my hand I held a note, regardless of the contents, the existence of the note alone said that Wanda and I had crossed some kind of line. At eight Hayden had to leave for curfew and I had to hit the pavement with Jordan. I waited till I was outside of the library before opening her note.
Meet me in the art building tomorrow night at 8:15.
Meeting with Wanda proved to be easy. By eight-fifteen there was no one in the jewelry room but her. She motioned for me to sit down and I pulled up the stool directly across from her work station. She was working on a charm bracelet of sorts. At the center was a misshapen bronze heart, there was a tiny crack burnt into the metal. Damaged but not broken, intentional or not it was the perfect metaphor for most of the students at this school. The judges would have no trouble discerning whether or not Wanda belonged here, she so clearly did. I was envious. Would they see in me what I saw in myself? What Jordan, and Hayden saw in me? I felt like I belonged but there were no guarantees. Wanda set aside her charm bracelet, looking up at me for the first time since I walked in the door.
“It took me awhile but Ariel agreed to give me back Robyn’s necklace.”
“Ariel? I don’t get it…why would she take it?”
“She’s not that bright.”
“Yeah but that’s not a reason to risk expulsion.” Wanda shrugged.
“Maybe she was a klepto before. I don’t know. I didn’t ask. Asking for the piece back in itself was suspicious behavior. Ariel might not of noticed it was out of character but Liz definitely would have. Especially if Ariel told her I was digging around for a reason.”
I wanted to know what Ariel’s beef with Robyn was but there was something I wanted to know more and now seemed like as good a time as any to ask.
“I want to know why you’re really here.”
“And if I don’t want to tell you?”
“I’ll tell Robyn who I got her necklace back from.”
“So.”
“She’ll assume you took it too. Unless you want me to rat out Ariel.” Wanda scoffed, “I’m not afraid of the little princess.”
“Maybe you should be.” It had begun to occur to me lately that Jordan was probably right when it came to Robyn. She was the quiet type to worry about. The world was full of obvious threats like Wanda but Robyn, she was the type you heard about after the fact. It was the quiet ones that blew up buildings, the quiet ones that no one saw coming. “She wrecked the barracks in search of a stupid necklace. Even if it had tremendous sentimental value, that was a huge risk. She didn’t care about expulsion, or Sydney’s wrath. She wasn’t even worried about you, and let's face it the two if you don’t have the greatest track record. She was completely irrational.” Wanda considered this.
“Maybe I should be asking you what she’s in for.”
“Maybe, but seeing as how I don’t know it w
on’t do you much good.”
“I’ll tell you , but it stays between us.”Said Wanda.
“Of course”.
“I mean it, you can’t tell your friends not Robyn or Jordan and definitely not Hayden.” she pleaded. “He can’t know.” I wondered how much Hayden would even care. He’d been courting Wanda because we bribed him to. Hadn’t he? And even though I knew bigger things were happening here I couldn’t help but dwell on how she had called Jordan my friend. We were friends, I knew that but I didn’t know others saw it too. It made me blush just thinking about it. Wanda, on the other hand wasn’t so at ease. “Do you promise?” she scowled.
“Cross my heart and hope to die”
“Good” She snickered “Because if you tell your gonna.” I cracked a smile.
“Honestly Wanda, just get on with it.”
“Fine. It’s like I told you in the bathroom. I’m not in here because I’m some kind of badass. I act that way because I’d rather have people be afraid of me than sniff around trying to figure out why I’m really here. Because what I really did isn’t cool.”
“Neither is the stuff you pretended to do.”
“Well it worked didn’t it? I had you afraid of me. Nobody in this place has challenged me. I’ll coast through cuts.” She was right There was more than one way to survive here. You could try and pull a 180 like me or you could work with what you were given like Wanda. In a way I wished I had thought of it myself but then if I had I wouldn’t have made the friends I did. At this point I couldn’t imagine Huntley and Drake without Hayden, Robyn and Jordan.
“ There’s no bragging rights for what I did. If you go to jail and you’ve heisted something big or killed the guy who slept with your wife, people don’t mess with you. But there are certain people that go to jail and become targets. If you’re in prison because you touch little kids, there’s no camaraderie. People don’t pat you on the back they kick your ass.”
