by M. F. Lorson
On my way to the sociology building Bill waved me over. “Today’s the big day yeah?” I shrugged my shoulders. “You’re prepared right?” I shrugged again. “Remember in the Harry Potter books when they take the OWLS and all three of them are just freaking out about whether or not they’re gonna pass?”
“Yeah uh, not sure how to tell you this Bill but I don’t read.” Bill rolled his eyes.
“Okay you illiterate delinquent, do you remember when they took the OWLS in the Harry Potter movie?”
“Yes Bill.”
“Well, it's gonna be just like that. You’ll do fine. You have the skills. Your a smart girl etc etc.”
“This is a great pep talk-” Bill smiled.
“Will you just get out of here and get it over with already?” Much to my dismay time was closing in on me. I hugged my coffee tight to my chest for warmth and made my way to the sociology building. I was the last to arrive and was therefore forced to take a seat next to Wanda. Wanda was sitting cross legged, jiggling her foot with nervous energy. I guess she wasn’t a huge fan of public speaking either. There were 5 of us speaking today and I had the privilege of going last. I watched as my classmates did their best to explain their sociology term in an engaging way. Some were far better than others. Wanda was on the lower end of the spectrum. Her presentation consisted of her standing at the front of the room awkwardly reading her presentation word for word from the index cards in her hand. I wish I had remembered to use cards, at least then I would have something to focus on if I started to choke. It was finally my turn. I took my place at the front of the classroom. There were only fifteen kids in my soc class. Some of them I knew fairly well, others were just faces on campus. I hoped what I had to say made sense. I’d thought a lot about this presentation and despite the fact that it went against all of my former study habits, I really and truly wanted my peers to understand. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest. My palms were moist from nerves and although there wasn’t a mirror in sight the warmth in my cheeks told me that my face was beat red. With shaking hands and a quick pulse I began my presentation.
If you google deviance you’ll find a lot of different definitions but the gist of the story is that anyone who behaves outside of the norms of their society is engaging in deviance. A deviant is someone who goes against the grain, someone who breaks the rules. So really when you think about it, deviance is all of us. Each and every one of us broke the rules of our society when we broke the law. Back home we were deviants, miscreants, trouble makers, and all the other negative words people like to use to describe us.
But we aren’t deviants anymore. Here deviance is something completely different. This campus is its own society with its own set of norms and here breaking the law is more normal than adhering to it. At Huntley and Drake the deviants are those who don’t adhere to our norms. And what are our norms? Until, this past assembly none of us really knew. Our subculture was built on the assumption that everyone in here was a hardened criminal. In a way our culture here was similar to being in a gang. The “norm” was crime and the deviant was innocence.
But when Robyn read that list over the loudspeaker she permanently changed our entire society. We no longer look at each other as newbies looking for a fresh start by leaving the past behind. Instead each and everyone of us had to confront the labels that put us here in the first place, and labels can be dangerous.
There was a famous sociologist William Chambliss who conducted this study where he compared two gangs in a high school. One gang was composed of high class white boys. Chambliss called them the Saints. The other group was six lower class boys. Chambliss called them the Roughnecks. Both the Roughnecks and the Saints regularly broke the rules of society. They skipped school, they drank under age, they routinely got stopped for speeding. Although both groups engaged in this behavior only one group was labeled deviant. Chambliss observed that it didn’t seem to matter what the Saints did. They were considered good kids sowing their oats so if they got pulled over for a speeding ticket they were often let off with a warning whereas the Roughnecks were routinely arrested for the same mistakes. They were considered the bad seeds, kids that would amount to nothing. Chambliss was amongst the first to pose the theory that being labeled a deviant would result in long term deviant behaviour. So what happened to the Saints and the Roughnecks when they graduated high school? Did they go on to college towns where no one knew or labeled them and start over? Or did they follow the same path after school?
A little of both. The saints went on to good colleges and were successful, having never really been considered troublemakers in the first place. The Roughnecks however, grew up with that label of deviance hanging over their head and most of them let that label become a self fulfilling prophecy. It didn’t matter where they went or who recognized them in their own head they would always be seen as deviant so they might as well behave that way.
Each and everyone of us here today has a choice to make. To the outside world we are all deviants and when we graduate from here there will still be those that fail to see us as anything else. But that doesn’t mean that we have to see ourselves that way. We can choose to conform or we can choose to prove everyone who ever said we wouldn’t amount to anything right. I don’t know about you but I’m through letting other people decide who I am going to be and I’m through looking at all of you as the charges against you. We are more than our labels. We are people. We have futures and we get to make them, not anyone else, not the cops, not our neighbors, not our parents. We can be the Saints even if we were born Roughnecks.
The classroom burst into applause, my sociology teacher amongst those clapping. I scanned the room as I returned to my seat beside Wanda. Had I made an impression on my classmates? It was hard to tell. Kids on this campus held their cards close. No one wanted to show weakness or approval. Everyone except Wanda. Wanda always said what she felt. Upon my desk was a note folded like a football with my name scrawled on top in Wanda’s handwriting. Inside it read “Thank you for knowing what I have done and treating me like a human anyway. You were right when you said that labels become us. I grew up with a lot of labels. Popular, Bitch, Bully to name a few. Every one of them was true and I figured they would always be true. But now I want different labels. I want to be labeled smart. I wanted to be labeled talented. I want to be a friend. I know now that I can make people see me for who I really strive to be and not the person I used to be. I’m going to be a better me thanks to people like you and the acceptance you gave me when I least deserved it.” I looked up from the note in time to catch Wanda discreetly wipe a tear from her cheek. Its funny how we all think we get to pick our friends when the truth is we just find each other in the right moments.
Chapter 27
My afternoon consisted of more finals, more wanting to pull my hair out, more fixating on Chelsea, Detective Finney and even Jennifer. Maybe, I had been too hard on her. Maybe, it was a mess to love someone and still know that they were capable of evil. As badly as I wanted to know what had come of the sketch artists profile I knew that worrying and waiting wouldn’t bring Chelsea home any faster just like stressing over exams wouldn’t make the results come out any faster.
Whenever I was really antsy it helped to run. I thought about asking Jordan to go with me but after our last interaction I wasn’t quite sure where we stood. It would be easier to run alone. I could think while I was alone, clear my head, get a handle on everything that had happened since this morning.
It was getting dark earlier now. By eight o’clock you couldn’t see much but the couple feet of sidewalk in front of you. I knew it was risky but I chose an alternative route. I was bored of the same old campus loop and hungry to explore new areas. Besides, I didn’t feel much like running past Jordan’s post. The fall leaves crunched beneath my sneakers as I wound my way through campus. As I loped through the garden I spotted Hayden and Wanda sharing a stone bench and a considerable amount of spit. They pulled away from each other just long enough to to
ss me a sheepish grin before resuming their grope fest. Two weeks ago this would have made me sick but tonight, tonight I had to admit I was happy for them. In a place like this you needed someone in your corner. Besides, Wanda hadn’t had the best luck with guys. I remembered what she told me in the art room, that the kind of guys who went for her weren’t the kind that called you in the morning. Hayden was a lot of missing pieces for her. I never thought I’d think it but I wanted happiness for her as much as I wanted it for myself. With all of this in my head it’s no wonder I didn’t notice a second set of footsteps scattering the leaves behind me. One moment I was jogging, sweat pressing my tank top to me like a second set of skin, my legs smoothly carrying me along despite the fact that my brain was on vacation and the next moment I was being jerked from behind. I had just enough time to let out a scream before a white cloth soaked in something unidentifiable found its way over my mouth and nostrils. I took one deep breath before everything went cloudy.
Chapter 28
There was something different about the dream. I knew that Chelsea was there, because she was always there when I dreamt, but there was something different about her. It looked as if she were fading, her skin and hair nearly transparent like she had somewhere else to be but forced herself to be here. We weren’t by the fence, on the bus, or in the treehouse. I wasn’t sure where we were though I knew it was familiar. We sat on a stone bench in the middle of a garden where stone fish and lily pads lined the small pond at our feet. Beside us two teens were locked in an intimate embrace. If they saw us there, it didn’t seem to bother them, neither party ever looked beyond the person in their arms. I wanted to focus on Chelsea but I found it difficult to focus on anything. The edges of the dream felt fuzzy. Her lips were moving but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. I stared hard trying to make thoughts out of the seeming nonsense. I wanted to tell her to stop and start over but I couldn’t seem to make my lips move. She kept mouthing the same words over and over again. And then it came back to me, what she was saying, I’d seen it before. Run, she was telling me to run.
Chapter 29
I woke up three days later, the school nurse fretting with my IV while mumbling to herself about getting a new job, less risk, no more kids. She didn’t notice I was awake at first and when she did, I thought she would jump clear out of her skin, she burst from the room to get help without saying so much as a word to me. First she brought in a doctor who explained to me that I’d been knocked out by a chemical compound but that the only injury I sustained was from bumping my head on the way down. Next she brought in my parents who said they’d been worried sick but didn’t mention taking me home. The whole day was a stream of visitors each less appealing than the one before. By the time Lucinda arrived to talk about my feelings I was ready to tell her that my feelings resided where the sun don’t shine and she was welcome to visit them. Fortunately for her, visiting hours came to a close and all persons not student or faculty were forced to leave campus.
I was relieved when the last guest left. Despite the fact that I had been sleeping for three days, I was exhausted. All I really wanted to do was close my eyes and turn my brain off. That however, wasn’t an option. Though guests had to leave students were still able to visit and three in particular had been waiting to visit with me for most of the day. With the dean’s permission my nurse brought in Jordan, Hayden and Sydney. Never in my life have I been so happy to see people I see everyday. Sydney was back in her Huntley and Drake uniform which made me smile even if I had completely missed how and when it happened. Jordan and Hayden were standing next to each other without clenched fists which was its own version of a miracle. I knew just from looking at the three of them standing there together that something big had happened at Huntley and Drake. I hoped it was something good but my surroundings reminded me that something very bad had to happen to bring us to this room in the first place. It was Jordan who first broke the silence.
“We thought you might want to see this.” I propped my pillows until I was in a seated position. Even moving those few inches caused excruciating pain to surge through the newly formed dent at the base of my skull. I winced from the pain before reaching out to take the envelope in Jordan’s hand. The familiar seal embossed on the front let me know that what I was holding was official Huntley and Drake correspondence. My hands trembled with nerves as I slowly removed the thin sheet of typing paper from its sheath. “Economics, General Art, Cross Country Prep, Algebra 1, American Lit.” At first I didn’t get it. These weren’t my classes, my classes had come to a close three days ago. I was about ready to pass the paper back to Jordan when I noticed the neatly printed box in the top corner “Kate Elliot, Winter Schedule”. I felt my eyes filling up with tears, “Does this mean?” Hayden finished for me. “It means we’re stuck with you, for at least another term.” I burst into tears and laughter all at once. All term long I had wanted one thing, to belong and now surrounded by my friends I held the evidence that I did. I had earned my place at Huntley and Drake. The celebration however was short lived. There was something in Jordan’s expression that told me this envelope was not the only reason they had come to see me today. I glanced over at Sydney who stood in the back of the room, yet to speak. I didn’t remember my attack, but I understood that something had happened to me, just like something had happened to Wanda and Robyn. Sydney had always been no bullshit I knew that if I wanted to know what happened it was her I would have to ask, and so I did.
At first they were all reluctant to talk but once they began the three of them filled all the holes in my memory with ease. My attacker it turned out, was a student here at Huntley and Drake Jordan explained with a slightly flushed face. “I always knew it was a student, the problem was, I assumed it was the wrong one.” He quickly glanced at Hayden. If Hayden still felt animosity toward Jordan, he didn’t allow it to show. “All the time I spent focused on Hayden,” Jordan began to choke up “I should have been looking elsewhere. I might have noticed the signs, they were right in front of my face. This might not have happened to you if…” Sydney cut him off, resting her hand upon his shoulder.
“There’s nothing you could have done. You tried, if it weren’t for you showing up when you did both her and Wanda would have been seriously hurt.” Jordan shrugged his shoulders defeat and hurt written all over his face.
“Who?” I asked. “Who did this to me?” The three of them exchanged glances. It was Sydney who did the sharing now. “When I was expelled, it was because my list went missing. I rightfully assumed it was Robyn that took it, but I never questioned how she knew to look for it in the first place. Someone other than Robyn wanted that list read out loud. Somebody needed that list read out loud to take the heat off themselves.” Slowly the pieces began to click together in my head.
“They wanted everyone to think it was Hayden? That’s why she read the attempted rape charge.” Hayden nodded.
“Correct, they knew that if people already assumed I was a sexual predator they wouldn’t look beyond me for the real criminal.” He looked hard at Jordan before delivering his next sentence. “They were counting on people thinking the worst of me without ever giving me a chance to explain.” Jordan looked down at his feet.
“How did you figure out who it was?” Jordan smiled, “I didn’t. Sydney did.”
“You didn’t think I just left campus and forgot about you all did you?” I laughed,
“Well, yes, as a matter of fact I did!” Sydney rolled her eyes.
“Ye, have little faith. The longer I was away the more positive I became that Robyn couldn’t have found that list on her own. She had to have help and that help had to come from someone who knew the list existed in the first place. The only people who know about the list are the dean, Mrs. Lewis, and the guides and since I knew that Jordan was as dead set on finding the guy as I was there was only one person left it could be.”
“Luke.” I stated. It wasn’t a question. I knew I was right. It was Luke who went to Hayden for chemis
try help, Luke who would have known how to build a cocktail that rendered someone unconscious and Luke who was the only other person fast enough to catch me. Jordan continued.
“By the time Sydney got word to me that she suspected Luke it was already dark out. I went looking for you and when I didn’t find you I found Hayden and Wanda who were both able to place you in the garden only moments before. I knew I hadn’t passed you on our typical route so I started looking in the places we usually avoided and that is when I saw Luke grab you. I didn’t see him when I found Wanda but there was no mistaking him with you. I saw him and he saw me. He ran and I probably could have caught him but I couldn’t just leave you laying there unconscious. I went for help and by the time you were in safe hands he was nowhere to be found. We know he left campus but we don’t know anything else. I’m so sorry Kate, I should have figured it out sooner.” I reached out to squeeze his hand.
“You saved me all the same.” There was a knock at my door. In came Dean Humphries.
“I hate to break up the party but I need a moment with Ms. Elliot.” The three of them began to exit the room when Dean Humphries stopped them, “By the by, I’d like the three of you to stop by Mrs. Lewis’s office when you get a chance. She will have the room assignments for each of the students transitioning from the barracks to the dorms.” Hayden laughed.
