by B. L. Berry
I pull my hands up in between our chests and push him back gently, needing to look him in the eye. “I appreciate your concern, Brock. Really, I do. But what happens in my private life is not something I want to go broadcasting to everyone.”
He sighs and shakes his head, ignoring my previous comment. “Let me guess. Boy trouble?”
“I’m not talking about this,” I sing-song in response before starting to head back into the office, away from him. I hear my ringtone sounding loudly and I desperately need to turn it off. Hearing that song brings Phoenix right back into my space and all I want right now—all I need right now is just to be left alone so I can sort everything out in my own thoughts.
“Ah ha! So you’re not going to deny it! Mr. Perfect isn’t so perfect after all, now is he?”
I stop mid-step and turn back toward Brock. Hearing him talk shit about Phoenix strikes a chord in me, and I fight the urge to wring his neck.
“Drop it.”
“You two got in a fight earlier.” He quirks an eyebrow, pretending like he knows me oh so well.
I don’t even dignify his statement with a response. You don’t have to be Sherlock fucking Holmes to figure that much out. I just wish this super sleuth wouldn’t keep trying to bring out the truth from me. The truth is Phoenix lied. Or rather, he conveniently kept the truth from me which is pretty much the same thing. And I really don’t feel like having him dissect our relationship.
“Or did he get all jealous of us working so closely together? I mean, I know I’m pretty awesome and the envy of many, many men out there. He’s just jealous and it drove a wedge and now you two aren’t on speaking terms.” His voice gets more excited with every word.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. I fucking hate his speculation.
Brock gasps theatrically. “He cheated.”
“No!” I may be mad as hell at Phoenix right now, but I still feel the need to protect his reputation from whatever bullshit Brock wants to spew in an attempt to rile me up.
His face softens and his eyes turn soft, a little sad even. His entire personality shifts as he slowly walks toward me.
“So then what did he lie about?”
“How did you—”
“Honey. If he’s not sleeping around or being all unnecessarily alpha on your sweet ass, then he definitely lied to you.”
Brock sits down in the middle of the floor and taps the space next to him, inviting me to sit down next to him. “Look, I know I can be a bit of an ass. But I have two good ears and a pair of pretty solid shoulders. Emphasis on the pretty,” he adds with an inviting smile. “You’ll feel better if you talk about it, Ivy. Come. Sit … Take a load off.”
I would give anything for Rachel to be the one sitting on the floor in front of me. But beggars can’t be choosers and right now I need someone. Anyone. And this substitution will have to do.
Cautiously, I close the gap between us and sit down next to him, pulling my knees tightly to my chest to hold myself together. Brock reaches his hand out and delicately rubs the small of my back. Surprisingly, his touch is comforting. My attitude toward him is as mercurial as he is.
“So …” he pauses. In thought or for dramatic effect, I’m not sure. “What happened?”
I purse my lips and slowly exhale all of the air from my lungs and begin. I focus on the grain of the hardwood floor a few feet away from me.
“His old fuck buddy showed up today. Literally. She was sitting on our doorstep when I got home from running errands.” I tangle my legs like a pretzel and pick at the hem of my jeans. Brock’s silence urges me to keep talking. “I had no idea they were living together and I was completely blind to the fact that they slept together. I am such an idiot.”
“No, you’re not an idiot,” he croons. “You’re just a girl in love.”
“That’s pretty much the same thing.”
He hums a sigh and stretches his legs out before lying on the ground and staring up at the ceiling. It’s exactly how I found him the day he first came to the gallery, minus the cigarette.
“So what are you more upset about? That there was another girl before you came into the picture? Or that he kept this particular circumstance from you?”
My heart snaps into pieces as I think about the events of this afternoon. Sure, he had the decency to break up with Annie, but he conveniently left out the part where he was still screwing anything with boobs and a pulse. The thought doesn’t settle well, even though I know that makes me a hypocrite. I can’t fault him for his past sins when those transgressions are exactly my own. The difference is I was always upfront about my past. I own my shit. But the fact they had their arrangement up until the point he met me, that he was living with her and failed to mention it after all this time … that makes absolutely no sense to me.
“I don’t care about his ex-girlfriends and who he’s slept with in the past. Everyone comes with some kind of baggage. I just … I hate that he never told me they lived together. That feels like such a huge piece of information to withhold. If he didn’t tell me about this, what else is he keeping from me?”
Brock reaches deep into his pocket and hands me his monogrammed ivory handkerchief. It’s such an odd things for him to carry around, but I don’t question it as I dry my watering eyes.
“And did he give you an excuse?”
“He said he never mentioned anything because it wasn’t a big deal to him. That the moment I walked into his life, she no longer mattered. Apparently Hailey—that’s her name—has a history of stirring shit. Which is how he explained her little drive by earlier.”
“And do you believe that?”
That’s a valid question. I hold my head in my hands trying to sort out the facts from my emotions. “I want to … but I honestly don’t know.”
“And does Phoenix know everything about your past?”
“Well … no, not everything. But I’ve told him all of the important things. And if I were fucking someone for leisure while I was living with them, I absolutely would have told Phoenix.”
At least I think I would have. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know. God, why is this shit so complicated?
Brock seems to sense my internal thought process and sits back up. He nods at my response and lets the silence settle between us.
“Are you capable of forgiving him?”
“I don’t know. He lied to me.” I don’t mean for my voice to turn whiney, but it does. Lying is such a large part of the reason why I’ve separated myself from my so-called family back in Chicago. Everyone was so incredibly two-faced.
“I know, pumpkin, I know. And I’m not saying what he did was right or wrong, nor am I trying to justify his actions. But is this one withholding a big enough reason to end what the two of you share?” He nudges my shoulder before looking me solemnly in the eye. “Just really think about it before you do anything drastic, okay? Trust me on that.”
His infliction lets me know that he’s speaking from experience, so I nod my silent promise.
Brock pushes himself to his feet and dusts off the dirt from the back of his pants. He’s probably just looking for a reason to touch his ass.
When I walked in tonight, I never would have guess that Brock and I would connect like this. He can be so down to earth and caring. He’s not nearly as edgy and “out there” as he wants people to believe. Behind his tattooed, tobacco-smoking exterior, Brock is just a sensitive little boy who actually cares about those around him.
BY THE TIME I SWALLOW my pride and head back home, it’s nearly midnight. I know I owe Phoenix an apology for freaking earlier rather than talking about everything like a rational adult. Although … I never claimed to be a rational person.
I turn the key and push open the door to our small apartment. It’s quiet and the living room is completely dark. For a moment, I’m certain he’s not home but then I hear a soft bump coming from the kitchen. I place my purse on the ground and walk toward a faint light near the back of our apartment.
Phoeni
x raises his face to meet mine. He looks about as wrecked as I feel.
“Hey.” He takes a deep breath. “You never returned my calls. I was worried you weren’t going to come back.” His voice cracks at the last part.
Glad to know that I wasn’t the only one worried about that. “I know … I just needed a little time to process everything.”
He nods, understanding that this afternoon was a bit much and the past two days have been nothing short of emotional whiplash. Together we’ve gone from standing on top of the world to having Hailey infiltrate everything that is good, forcing me to question everything about our relationship.
Sometimes you simply need a time out from life, I guess.
I cautiously take another step further into the kitchen, wanting to be closer to him. He knows that I’m upset with him, but he has every right to be angry with me for my outburst and I’m not sure how he’ll react. I look from him to the mess on the table.
“What are you doing?” I half expected him to be folding more paper cranes to keep his mind at bay, but he’s got pieces of white porcelain laid out in an elaborate jigsaw puzzle and a small tube of super glue. It’s what’s left of the plate I threw at him just a few short hours ago.
“I’m trying to fix the plate,” he states obviously before picking up the tube of super glue and lining one of the edges to piece it back together again.
I take one of the broken chunks and run my fingertip along the sharp edge before tossing it back on the table. I really did a number on this one. My shoulders rise with a deep sigh. As therapeutic as it was, I feel horrible for losing my cool like that.
“Don’t bother. I broke it, Phoenix. You should just throw it away.”
He stills his hands and looks at me thoughtfully. His eyes are pained, but kind. “When something breaks, you don’t just throw it away, Ivy. You fix it.”
Fix it? It’s not that simple.
His gaze pierces mine, and suddenly I get the feeling we’re not talking about the plate anymore. We stand there trying to read each other’s thoughts with nothing but the humming of the refrigerator between us.
“I’m broken,” I whisper. “And you can’t fix me.”
My eyes flood with tears, but the admission makes me feel one hundred pounds lighter. Phoenix reaches out and takes my hand in his. He pulls me close to him, wrapping his strong arms around me. He rests his chin on my shoulder.
“But I won’t just throw you away. I can’t throw away the one person who means everything to me. If I did that, I would cease to exist.”
Phoenix pulls me securely into his chest. He holds me so tightly it’s as if he is singlehandedly trying to keep me whole. And in a lot of ways, he is. His touch gives me reassurance. Strength. And tells me that in spite of what we’re going through, we will be okay … in time.
I loosen my grip and he looks at me. If I don’t get my words out now, I’m not sure when I will.
“My entire life has been based on a web of secrets and lies. My parents … my sister … even me.” It’s hard to admit my flaws, but it’s something that I promised myself I would do. And that includes owning up to my personal history of lying in past relationships. It’s a miracle that he still accepts me in spite of all that. “You, Phoenix … you are the one true thing that I have. I just … I just can’t handle finding things out like that from other people. Things you should have told me. It wouldn’t have hurt as much if you were the one to tell me you lived with Hailey and that you guys would hook up.
“I don’t care about the sex. Really, I don’t. I’ve never claimed to be some innocent virgin and I certainly make no apologies that I’m not. But what hurts the most is the secrecy. That you intentionally kept it from me for so long. I know you said it didn’t matter to you and it shouldn’t matter to me. But it still tears me up inside that you weren’t the one to tell me.”
Phoenix grows increasingly more uncomfortable. I genuinely don’t think he kept it from me with malicious intent. But that doesn’t make it easily forgivable.
“Can I try to explain?” He takes my tiny hands in his and rubs his thumbs over the back of them.
“I’d like that, thank you.”
I find myself grateful that he’s so patient and willing to talk through everything. I don’t know what about Hailey’s words made him so angry earlier. But I hope he’s willing to open up and tell me. This is what I’ve been waiting for. What I’ve needed.
I brace myself for the truths he’s about to share.
Phoenix licks his lips and swallows hard. “After Annie and I broke up, I spent the better part of my days just looking for someone to sleep with, something meaningless. The girls, they didn’t matter. Hailey was just a quick fix, a sure bet for me. And I know you know what I mean by that.” He gives me a knowing look without judgment. We are far more similar than either of us like to admit. “But everything changed when I found you. After our date in Madison, I knew you were the one person I didn’t just want to sleep with. You quickly became the only person I wanted to wake up with each morning. No one else could come close to comparing to you and how you made me feel.”
Phoenix squeezes my hands reassuringly. He always knows exactly what to say. But as wonderful as those words are, I need to make one thing clear if the pair of us ever want to last a lifetime.
“Listen, Phoenix … you cannot lie to me again. I’ve been burned by lies too many times in the past and that is the one thing I won’t tolerate.”
“I know. And I am so, so sorry, Ivy. I wanted to tell you but could never bring it up in conversation. I should have been as forthright as you’ve been with me. But Ivy … the one thing I desperately need from you is trust. I will tell you almost anything and everything you want to know, but you’re going to have to trust me.”
Almost anything?
My insides do that anxious little flip flop thing and before I even have the chance to ask about his choice wording, he continues.
“I know I’m not perfect, but if you can’t trust me our relationship will punch a one-way ticket to self-implosion without trust.”
Sigh.
He’s right. As difficult as it is for me, I need to do a better job putting my trust in him. Phoenix is not Matt. He’s not any of my past boyfriends. He’s not anyone who deliberately fucked me over in a relationship … or someone who I want to fuck over in turn.
Phoenix pulls back and I look up into his glossy eyes. There’s a visible shift in his demeanor. His expression is clouded, but he appears lighter. Happier. Relieved.
“I can do that … for you. Just be patient with me. Trust is something that doesn’t come easy for me.” My trust for him is shattered and that my trust is a privilege he’s going to have to earn back, but I’m determined to give us another chance.
“From here on out, no more lies. I swear I will never lie to you again, Ivy.”
I can feel the sincerity in his words. But I’m not so quick to be convinced. “I really want to believe you when you say that, Phoenix.”
“I know you do. And as long as you’re willing to let me, I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”
I nuzzle into his chest, but I still can’t shake Hailey’s words from my mind. I want to give him one final opportunity to come clean if there was indeed something she was trying to tell me.
My lungs slowly fill with air and I exhale slowly. I need to ask him. Because if I don’t, it’s going to eat me alive. “I promise this will be the only time I ask you and I’ll believe whatever it is you tell me. But what did Hailey mean about the night my sister met Sully?”
His arms squeeze tighter and he rests his chin on top of my head.
“I don’t know. But the one thing you need to understand about Hailey is she hates to see other people happy. I think she’s simply pissed that I’m no longer interested in our previous arrangement and she’s still having a hard time dealing with the rejection. I honestly have no idea what she meant by her comment, but I’m certain that her sole motive f
or being here was to get under your skin and try to make you doubt everything about us. I never realized how horrible she truly was until it was too late.”
“Okay,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
Phoenix pulls back to kiss my forehead and then look me straight in the eye.
“That’s the God’s honest truth. I’m sorry that you had to deal with her earlier. I had no idea she’d pull that stunt.” His words are earnest and bring me a small sense of relief.
“Me, too. I just hate that I feel like she forced us to take ten steps backward. Especially after last night. Last night was … it was …” There are simply no words to describe its perfection.
“I know. It was something else. I just hope it didn’t ruin your birthday.”
I bring my fingers up to my neck and feel the delicate bird that is still draped around my neck. He smiles as he watches me.
“No, Phoenix. Nothing could have ruined my birthday.”
THERE IS NO AWKWARDNESS IN the days that follow. Hailey’s kamikaze visit still weighs heavily on my mind, but I promised that I wouldn’t bring it up again. I gave him his chance to say his peace and it’s time to put it behind us and move on.
I’m just not certain how long I’ll be able to keep that promise.
Once upon a time I would have come out guns blazing to challenge him. But things are different with Phoenix and I don’t want to screw it up by behaving the way I used to with all of my failed relationships.
As skeptical as I am with men, I trust Phoenix. At least I want to and that's more than I can say about any man in my life before him.
We’re sitting on the couch watching Usual Suspects for the second time this week because we’re too lazy to walk down the block and return the DVD to the Redbox machine. Sometimes the simplest things seem to take the most work.
“So I’ve been thinking …” I begin nervously.
“A well-thought woman is a dangerous thing, you know.” Phoenix kisses me softly just below my earlobe. A warm shiver melts through my body.
