“The ‘Oh, Richard’ tone,” I insist.
“Ah, that? Well, I may have been a bit tipsy last night, but I still recall our conversation,” she reminds me.
“Let it go, Laney.” I groan, thinking of the annoying conversation she pulled me into just as she pushes the front door open.
“Let what go?” says a familiar male voice just beyond Laney. Great. What are the odds? I guess pretty good since this is his parents’ home. It’s going to be really inconvenient having him back in California.
“Hey big brother! Cass wants me to let go of the fact that she’s suddenly questioning her messed-up, so-called relationship with Richard for the millionth time,” Laney reveals to Paxton.
“Richard? Is that the guy from last night?” he asks casually. I keep walking toward the stairs behind Laney, trying to remove myself from Paxton’s company. “What, no hello, Cassandra?” There’s sarcasm in his voice as he says my full name instead of the nickname everyone has called me my entire life.
“Hello, Paxton, and yes, Richard was the guy I was with at the party last night. He’s the guy I’ve been dating for pretty much the last five years, and he isn’t news,” I say as my foot hits the first step. I don’t know why I make it a point to say how long Richard and I have been doing whatever it is we’re doing, but I do. I guess old habits die hard; I can’t seem to help myself when it comes to trying to get some sort of reaction out of Paxton.
“Huh, well poor Dick,” he says as if he feels sorry for him.
I stop on the step and partially turn toward Paxton. “It’s Richard, and what does that mean?” I ask him in my usual talking-to-Paxton tone. It’s a you’re so irritating and why I do care what you think tone I save especially for speaking to him and used practically our entire teen lives. I hate how he can make me revert to my immature ways so easily. I wait for him to answer.
“Just thinking about all the hearts you’ve broken over the years, and it sounds like he’ll be joining the others in the broken hearts club,” he jabs, looking like he’s holding back laughter.
“Excuse me?” I growl, nearly jumping over the railing and strangling him to death. I feel Laney’s hand suddenly take hold of my arm. Why is he such an ass?
“Pax, don’t be a asshole. Forget I said anything, I was only teasing Cass. She and Richard are great. I mean, they have five years of…of whatever they call it between them, and it’s their business. I just like harassing her,” Laney says in my defense, pulling me up the stairs with her before I can say anything more.
“Chill out, I was only joking. Five years huh? I guess Cass stopped falling in and out of love like she changed clothes when we were growing up,” Paxton says in a light tone, though his voice sounds a little strained.
“You can kiss my ass, Paxton Luke. It is good to see nothing has changed with you,” I announce just as we disappear up the stairway.
Saying those words sends an aching feeling through me, and my heart feels like it might race out of my chest. My god, I wish one thing had changed—his effect on me.
Present
How’d I let my mom talk me into this? I don’t really want the attention that comes along with a welcome home party. Hell, most of these people I haven’t seen in years, and I don’t really care to now. I would’ve liked a family get-together, but instead, I’m here with people I barely know anymore. The only person I kept in touch with on a regular basis aside from my family is Matt. I’d love it if I could just slide back into my life like I was never gone. I did it with my parents, with Laney. I tried with Cass, and maybe that’s my clue that it’s not possible.
She almost seems even more annoyed by me than when I left, which shouldn’t be the case because our last night with each other was awkward to say the least.
Now, I’m standing in a room filled with a mix of my old friends and my parents’ friends. At this moment, I’m listening to my best friend Matt regale a small group with the story of the time we decided to drive up to Waddell’s at four in the morning to catch some waves. We were only sixteen at the time and didn’t have our parents’ permission. The two of us were always adventurous and caused a little innocent trouble for our parents. Of course, as things go when you’re kids and doing things without permission, something always goes wrong—I broke my wrist in two places. Matt still has a way with stories and has everyone laughing at the image of me calling my parents from urgent care. Needless to say, they weren’t happy. I laugh as my mom glares at me and my dad slaps me on the back.
Matt begins yet another story, and this time it’s about Laney and Cass. As he begins entertaining the crowd with his animated reenactment, I eye the two stars of his story huddled in a corner with a bottle of champagne. Laney whispers in Cass’s ear and she throws her head back in unbridled laughter.
What is it about her? From the moment her eyes met mine last night, I felt like the boy I was instead of the man I’ve become. I can’t seem to help my reaction to her, but something is different. It’s not the same now as it was before I left. There’s a reason why seeing her, talking to her now isn’t the same though—it’s because I no longer feel as in control. There’s something more to Cass than I remember, and I’m not sure I like the way it’s making me feel.
Lost in my thoughts, I’m not even aware she’s stopped laughing and is looking right at me until I look into her gaze.
Those eyes of hers remind me of all the times I didn’t do anything but watch her. She’d pull me in without even realizing it. I’d fight the feelings she stirred in me any time I got caught up in her, and I would always make sure she knew it was nothing more than me teasing her. I would taunt her to prove to myself that I could, but the moment I felt too much, I’d push her away. Even if I wasn’t fair to her, I always acted like she meant nothing. I’m not sure why I did it, but she was always a challenge. I always tested the waters between us, and I know that’s the reason she hates me—because I made her feel like she meant nothing. It was a lie, but I had a dream and it didn’t involve a relationship.
Apparently, she still has that effect on me, and the battle lines have been drawn once again.
Laney says something to her, drawing her attention back to my sister just about the time Matt asks me a question. When I turn back to the group, he repeats himself. “Why’d you stay away so long?” It’s my least favorite question.
At the same moment, Laney and Cass walk up and join the small group.
I rub my hand over my head and down the back of my neck then squeeze, trying to ease the tension the question causes. “Well, my career. I was a workaholic, moving up the ladder. It just took up so much of my time, not to mention that my parents made it easy for me to stay away since they’d come visit often.”
“So what made you come home?” Cass blurts out, surprising me. By the look on her face, she didn’t mean to ask that out loud.
The corner of my mouth tilts up because as usual, she showed more interest than she intended. Nope, sorry, there’s no taking it back now, Cassandra.
Pretending we’re the only two people in the room, I look directly at her. “It was time. There’s a lot I missed here…a lot of people I missed.” She glares. I laugh. Everyone just watches us.
Laney punches me. “You’re such a dumbass—you don’t care about anyone or anything more than your job.” Her statement stings, and I’m shocked by just how much. “If they hadn’t offered you an opportunity you couldn’t resist, you wouldn't be here now,” she divulges to everyone.
“I guess things don’t change.” Matt laughs. “Same Paxton, everyone falling over themselves to have him, but the only thing he can see is his success.” Now everyone laughs—everyone but me. When I look over at Cass, she isn’t laughing either.
She excuses herself and walks down the hallway leading to the back door. I consider following her. It’s instinctual, something I would’ve done in the past to make sure she was all right, but tonight, I think better of it. She doesn’t want me, and she really isn’t even my frien
d, she’s Laney’s, but damn if I don’t feel responsible for the hurt I saw in her eyes when she walked away.
In the hour after Cass walks away, people begin saying their goodbyes and their many well wishes for my new job in the city. I decide to see if I can offer my mom any help cleaning up. When I walk into the kitchen, Cass is standing at the sink doing dishes while Laney dries them. Her hands are in the soapy water, and they’re chatting in their usual easy manner.
Matt waltzes in behind me, picks up a dish towel, twists it up, and lets it fly, snapping it against Cass’s arm. She swings around, screeching in the process. Laney joins her by glaring at Matt, too, while anticipating another assault by pointing a wooden spoon in his direction as defense.
“What the hell, Matt?” There is a fire in her eyes, and I can’t decide if I want to punch Matt or laugh. Matt beams from ear to ear. He loves this stuff.
“Got ya, Cass the Sass!” He’s laughing so hard. I haven’t heard that nickname in years. It’s like we’re all teenagers again, back when Matt and I would give the girls a hard time. “Don’t you even fucking think about it!” While I was lost in my short moment of nostalgia, Laney pulled out the sprayer from the sink and aimed it directly at Matt.
Laney quirks her brow and without another moment’s hesitation, she squeezes the lever, spraying water all over the front of Matt’s shirt. He charges her, and she keeps spraying. She’s screaming, and he’s yelling back. Cass is caught in the crossfire and jumps on Matt’s back.
I can’t control my laughter. I’m laughing so hard, I can barely breathe. Luckily, I am also smart enough to stay as far away as possible.
Suddenly, a loud booming voice sounds from behind me in a tone I haven’t heard in years. “What in the hell is going on?” It’s my dad, and although he’s clearly annoyed, I can see his struggle to remain that way.
Soon Mom walks in behind him and says with a half-hysterical laugh, “What is wrong with you three? You’re too old to be acting like a bunch of heathens!” The room goes silent.
That’s all it takes. Laney, Cass, and Matt stop, look at one another, and then burst out laughing.
Mom and Dad look at the three idiots then my mom says, “You better clean this up, now. Cass, your mom and dad already went home and said they’d leave the door unlocked for you. We’re going to bed. We’re too old for late nights these days.” You can hear a smile in her voice even as she and Dad shake their heads. Before they leave the room, Mom walks over to me and kisses my cheek, whispering, “Didn’t you miss this?”
Once the laughter subsides, they all begin cleaning up the mess. It’s like I’m not even here. I have the strangest feeling this isn’t the first time this has happened, and it gives me an incredibly conflicted feeling.
I knew their lives went on without me, I just didn’t expect to feel it. The three of them are obviously familiar with one another. They have their lives here, and they don’t include me. Laney has her work, Matt has his business, and Cass has… I look at her more closely. She’s smiling at something Matt says, and she’s glowing. It seems Cass has moved on with her life the most. She has her writing career and that Richard guy.
Being home doesn’t feel exactly like I hoped it would.
Present
Every time I walk into my old bedroom in my parents’ house, my instinct is to look out the window to the room across from mine, in the house next door—Paxton’s room. Even when I knew he wasn’t there, it was a hard habit to break.
Tonight though, for the first time in a long time, the light is on.
It’s a strange feeling knowing he’s back, just across the way. I hesitate to flip my light on so I can watch him. I stand in the darkness as his silhouette moves about his room, something I did many nights growing up. In a bizarre way, I realize now I kind of missed having him nearby.
Finally switching my light on, I close the door behind me and unzip my bag where it sits on the bed. I look around. Everything is exactly as it’s been since my seventeenth birthday when my parents let me redecorate. The walls are a pale blue. Sheer white curtains that are just thick enough to block my room from view hang over the one window I was just looking out of. The quilt on my bed matches the walls perfectly.
As I pull out my pajamas, my phone starts ringing. When I pick it up, I see it’s Richard’s face lighting up the screen.
Tapping the connect button, I put the phone to my ear, walking around my bed to the opposite side so I can close the curtains before pulling my jeans off. “Hey, sorry I haven’t had a chance to call you,” I say immediately. “Laney and I helped her mom put some things together for the get-together then I took a nap as soon as we finished getting things ready. I was exhausted from last night. How was your day?”
I stick one foot then the other into my polka dot pajama shorts then pull one arm out of my top at a time while Richard tells me about his day. Moving the phone away from my ear and hitting the speakerphone button, I quickly throw on my navy tank.
Picking the phone back up, I take it off speaker. “Well, that sounds like a good day.” I notice the light is off in Paxton's room, and for some reason, it makes me feel a little sad. “Uh…sorry, I’m just tired. Oh come on, Richard, don’t be that way. Of course I had a fantastic time at my party last night, and I loved the bracelet.” He sounds a little annoyed and keeps telling me I seem preoccupied. “My friend is home for the first time in ten years, give me a break…are you drunk?” I roll my eyes. He only acts irrational when he has been drinking, and it’s also the only time he acts like he cares about what I’m doing when we’re not together. “Look, let’s talk tomorrow. I’m tired and want to go to bed. No, Richard…fine. Talk to you tomorrow. Good night.” I hang up the phone, relieved to end that conversation. I have less and less patience with him lately. Laney’s right—I’m definitely feeling like Richard and I are on different pages again.
Pulling the covers back, I start to slip into bed when I hear a knock, startling me. Then I hear my name coming from outside my window. Luckily, my parents now sleep with a white noise machine, so they sleep through anything. Where was that white noise machine during my teen years when I was trying to sneak in and out of the house?
I hear my name again with another soft knock.
I walk to the window, push back the light curtain, and bend to open the window. As I lean out, I come face to face with one Paxton Luke. “Pax?”
“Hey…uh…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come over,” he stutters out, appearing uncharacteristically nervous—his voice is normally full of confidence. I don’t mean to smile, but I do. “You just smiled at me.” His voice sounds triumphant. “Great, I can go now, because that’s all I came over here for and you did it without any effort from me. Good night.” There’s laughter in his voice.
My heart goes pitter-pat at the sound of his deep, throaty laughter. I slap a hand against my chest right over the traitor and whisper, “Oh hell no you don’t.”
Paxton, of course, is still close enough to hear me. “No I don’t, what?”
“Not you, my…never mind.” Huffing out a sigh, I continue, “What did you really want, Paxton?”
He is silent a moment, moving closer to my window until we’re face to face. “Why do you hate me?”
I can’t do anything but stare at him. What the hell kind of question that? Why would he ask me that?
“Cass?” He actually sounds serious.
“It’s not that I hate you, per se,” I admit. “Kind of?”
“Huh, kind of?” he interrupts with a touch of sarcasm.
“I’m going to say this, and don’t interrupt me, okay?”
Nodding, he doesn’t say a word.
“I’m Laney’s friend, and you’re my best friend’s brother, one I’m friendly with even though most of the time you don’t deserve it. Trying to be your friend is one of the hardest damn things I’ve had to do. You’re bossy and nosy and you love to get under my skin. We fight constantly because you can’t seem to stop making it y
our mission to annoy me, and my hate for you…it’s not hate. It’s complicated.”
He’s so close, I can smell the minty scent of his toothpaste. His eyes never leave mine, and they look a little disappointed.
Finally, he speaks. “Don’t ask me why I asked or why I act the way I do with you. I can’t explain it. I’m not sure if I can or want to stop. It’s our thing.” He sighs. “I realized tonight that so much has changed, and I don’t really like it. The only thing that hasn’t changed is us—although, I did think you hated me.”
“I do,” I say without thinking. His eyebrows shoot up. “Well, I do. You infuriate me. You’re arrogant and push me until I can’t see straight. Like I said, it’s complicated, but I think we could try to be friends…maybe.”
Paxton slowly backs away and doesn’t say anything. The silence becomes so awkward, the need to fill the quiet begs me to say something.
“What are you doing?”
“Night, Cass,” he says before disappearing into the darkness that hangs between our houses.
“Good night, Paxton.”
I still really want to hate you. Damn my heart.
Past
Cass: Age 17
Paxton: Age 18 ½
It’s Christmas Eve, and I can smell my mom’s sugar cookies wafting through the house. Our annual gathering with the Porters has started and I know my mom is going to be annoyed I’m not yet downstairs and participating in the festivities. I hear the timer go off, signaling that the cookies are about to come out of the oven, so I jump up to make a beeline for the hot, soft deliciousness.
When I come barreling down the hall and around the corner, I crash into Cassandra, who is standing in the entryway to the living room asking Laney if she needs more eggnog. When did she get here? That’s a dumb question—she’s always here, always in my peripheral vision where I can’t ignore her.
Love Wasted Page 4
