by Kerry Leigh
I frowned and clasped my hands together. I knew what I had to do. What I demanded of myself.
I grabbed my phone as I walked and leaned against the side of a cab station and called my father’s personal assistant.
"Hello, Logan, what can I do for you.”
“Hey Deacons, “I said happily, assured of myself. "I need you to contact my father. Tell him to meet me in my office in an hour. There’s something that’s come up. A family emergency.”
***
As crazy as it sounds, I had intentionally kept my dad waiting. I needed time to cool my nerves and steel myself for the confrontation my life had been leading me down. Before the past twenty-four hours, the fallout would have petrified me. But hey, this was my home turf, I couldn't be frightened right?
As I stepped into the elevator I realized that all the fear had disappeared like a mist. The offices had closed for the day so we had our privacy. My office door was open and the lights were on.
Skin tingling, I walked into my office to find my father, Brent. He sat in my chair playing with my ball of string, while looking at my liquor cabinet. He didn’t even deign to notify my arrival.
"What sort of emergency could it be if you’re late. You said an hour and I came. But you’re not here.”
The corner of my smile rose. I let the bait deflect off me.
“Dad, just listen to me please." I said and sat down in the adjacent chair.
Brent took his legs of my desk, and put down the ball, shocked, unaccustomed to people disregarding his awful behaviour.
After a moment he looked at me earnestly and put his hands on the desk.
“We're leaving for our charter in the morning. Is this about Jess? Is something wrong with the baby?"
"Not exactly."
Dad exhaled. "I hope the rest of this meeting is good news."
I crossed my arms over my chest, and disregarded dad’s deflections and attempts to corner me into accepting his rhythm. “There’s one thing you need to know, Dad.”
"You should take Jess to a specialist. They'll know how to take care of her." Brent said firmly. “But if she’s able to move about, I’d love it if she was there to see us off.”
Dad I know hearing over people speak is hard but you’ve got to listen to me. Every once in a whole.
Brent’s eyebrow involuntarily lifted. And his mouth stalled as if he didn’t know how to react. I could tell there was a dark cloud of anger forming but my mind was limpid and tempered.
"I haven’t been completely honest with you." I laced my hands behind my head. "Not at all."
"Now you need the truth, when I sent you that email I was angry at your you. Really." I said.
"All the resentment, the negativity came to a head so I got drunk and. Then I woke up the next morning and panicked. I couldn’t tell you what happened when you were making a big deal about meeting my fiancée.
I felt a dull ache as the room took on a tense aura and the air felt stiff. Dad’s eyes spat fire and his mouth narrowed into a thin line. He didn’t say anything but I could tell his mind was whirring a mile a minute
Then I started again. “You have no idea how sorry I am. I couldn’t imagine how disappointed you are in me. I tend to disappoint lately. But I had to tell you the truth. And I didn’t want this to hang over us for the rest of your life.
"Then Jess..." Dad started, his voice containing a hint of bitterness. He looked into the distance, not even deigning me with his brutal gaze. "What is she to you some floozy you met? A girlfriend?"
I gritted my teeth and stared blankly at my father when I noticed the anguish and pain on his face.
I wondered what was more painful. The fact I dared to rebel, or the fact he wouldn't have a daughter in law. Or another heir worthy of grooming, in place of his disappointing son."
“Where I met her doesn't matter. All you need to know is I begged for her help. And she responded to my feelings."
"So, a stranger." Brent licked his front teeth with his tongue and slammed his fist on my desk. "I knew you were a fuck up. But I didn’t know it was this bad. I should have known you were incapable of something so sacred. You’ve hated the careful guidance, the advantages I’ve provided."
"Dad come on."
Brent stood up and paced the room livid as all hell. "Everything I've done, Logan, is to give you and your mother the best life possible. So that you would always be able to smile and take a step forward without having to be held down to earth. And yes, your goddamn right that means ensuring my experiences have gotten into that head of yours. So, you don’t go through the same trials I do."
I nodded and got out of the chair and stood opposite my father. "All I wanted was to fly under my own wings. To make my own mistakes and grow on my own path, but I never had the chance to figure out what I wanted with my life. How was I supposed to understand or appreciate that with no frame of reference?" I gritted my teeth and let everything loose.
"All I got whenever I failed and tried to pick up the pieces of my losses was a reminder that I was wasting my time. All I thought was you wanted to use me, to make a taller, more handsome carbon copy I wouldn’t want to be you."
"The nerve. I gave you everything you needed. I went above and beyond." Dad shouted.
"And that’s great, but the way you went around my upbringing went above and beyond, I didn’t ask to be born I said. My skin tingled and I took a step toward the window. I couldn’t stop. All the pain I had sealed off starting flowing and I loved it.
"Everything you’ve done to increase the family business was brilliant. But, from my experience, these things, don’t affect every other part of your life Dad. No matter how easy it feels, it just doesn’t cut it."
"I’m not your employee you can bark at. I’m not a business partner or investor you manipulate by asking for a meeting at midnight. You don't cherry facts to win an argument. And I’m certainly not your enemy. You deal with subterfuge to get back at. I’m your son."
"And I just wanted my father to be happy whenever I tried something new. Plucked up the courage to do something new. I needed a father that knew how help me get back up on the bicycle not tell me bicycles are for poor people. God, I don’t know how you were so hands off yet demanding but you made it possible."
I could tell the fury was building in Dad. But he looked on me silently like a predator ready to soar in and gobble up its’ prey.
"I don’t want you to feel terrible or criticize you. Everything’s in the past now and it can’t be changed, but I need your understanding dad. We need to be on the same page to know h why we ended up here in my office. My initial reaction to being angry is to make a world class scheme. I mean how fucked up is our relationship."
“That is completely on you Logan. “He said without a hint of warmth. I didn’t make you lie. Own up to your own shit, you’re a grown goddamn man, your I haven’t been a part of your decisions since you left home at eighteen."
"Sure, I made the decision, hell, I probably could’ve backed out, and it wouldn’t be this terrible. But you know there is something that doesn’t make sense. You know I’m right. or you’re crazy for slotting me in as the chief of the New York branch you can’t look at me and say everything’s fine. It’s all normal and this is all in my head. A spoilt brat’s fantasy." My voice wavered and flared up and down.
"I know the choice I make disappoint your keen business senses. So that’s why I lied. I couldn’t ever make you happy, whenever you hate everything I do."
I don’t hate you Logan, Brent said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I could never hate you, Logan."
"The effect is still there, regardless of the words you use to cover it up." I said and clenched my jaw.
He shook his head.
"Hoping you would make a better life is not in any way familiar to hatred Logan. Trust me, I know what it means to hate people and I wouldn’t ever wish it on someone, let alone, my son. I know what it means to hate so much it keeps so you awake at night. I would ne
ver hate my son, even now."
After seeing the ease on my father’s face, I gave out a sigh.
Honestly, it felt empowering to dish back vengeance after a lifetime of torment. But this wasn’t about making him feel awful for my upbringing, I wanted a bright perfect future and that meant fixing things with my parents.
"I didn’t want things to be this way dad, I want our relationship to blossom because I need you the most right now. I need to know how to put things back together. But I’m so scared of going for help because he would admonish me for being imperfect."
Brent looked at the ceiling, emotions juggling on his face and then took a step forward.
"I’ll always listen to you, son. I had no idea you felt like this. I made you feel like this."
I looked at him, then I felt my shoulders relax, it was more stressful than I thought. My dad sat back down I at my seat but I could see that within his eyes was some raw naked emotions he had never been willing to express.
"I get that you are disappointed in me, you must, I’ve done everything I could to provoke you it seems. I acted like a total asshole and not like a real man, let alone as one of the Clayton family. That’s something I’ll have to live with. But I also realize that because of all the time I spent with Jess. Add, as…” I said, a fountain of emotions erupting inside me, “As I acted like I was in a relationship with a woman I loved, and our child coming along has made me realize there’s so much more to life and I’ve never felt more complete than when I was with Jess. And it’s eating me up, knowing that you were right all along. All these years."
Brent’s mouth froze. “Logan...”
"Camille hurt me a lot, dad. It felt like my heart broke in two. I’ll be the first to admit it I didn’t want to ever say it to your face but you were right about one more thing one last thing. After everything happened I had become cruel. The thought of staying and remembering how she made my world awful was depressing, so of course, I took off, pleaded with you, and used alcohol, parties and women to forget about it all."
But I discovered that over the years I changed, it was only something Jess made me realized.
"I’ve kept every other woman I spent time with at arm’s length. It was like I was so afraid of actually putting myself out there., I looked down on a relationship like I was looking down on them from upon an icy throne. But with Jess, it feels like she belongs with me. I can’t have it knowing she’s not alright. And I believe she belongs with me."
Dad put his fingers to his temples and massaged them.
He gave me a coy smile and stood up and looked at me with clear eyes.
"You say I somehow know what you really want huh? Then let me enlighten you my son. You just told me exactly what you need to say."
"What?"
"Jess - belongs with you, you’ve never felt like this in all the time you’ve been on Earth, right? So, Logan, is that something you feel is in your soul?"
“Yes," I said. "I feel it."
"Then follow your heart. Trust it and take a step forward, it’s okay to be afraid but that doesn’t mean you can’t be brave. So, don’t look at the past and instead look at the future with Jess and embrace your happiness."
22
JESS
After our confrontation, Logan left me alone in the penthouse and I hadn’t heard from him since. No call, not even a text message. I woke up, lonely. My only companion was a pounding headache. And I was to head back to my normal life soon after this week ended, one that didn’t have a place for Logan.
I was deceiving myself, to actually think I could play the part of his lover without breaking my own heart. The moment I felt Logan, experienced being around him I knew we would fall in love.
Cold chills run through my body at the thought of Logan becoming a fleeting memory.
I felt upset about this grenade he dropped in my lap and now my chance to be with him was gone.
Yeah, he should have come to me and explained things before the fact. But he didn’t. Logan started this, from top to bottom, and I became cocooned in his layers of lies.
Distraught, I let out a deep, unsatisfied sigh, and then my eyes closed and I fell into a light sleep. I got up, yawned and noticed missed calls from Kaitlin on my phone, which got my attention. I didn't’ want to mourn the breakdown of our relationship in bed, so I went for a shower and walked to a local cafe to get some brunch. Then I texted Kaitlin and told her I would be fine to meet her for drinks and some dinner at a restaurant. I returned to the suite, wrapped deli sandwich in hand and began packing my clothes away.
I left the ball dress on the bed. I didn’t know what to do with it. I loved how it made me feel, sexy and powerful and the way Logan stared at me wearing it. But I didn’t want any mementos from this. I would already dwell on the memories I created and I knew the toll it would take on me some nights.
I felt drained as if I was just an empty shell. Kaitlin picked up on my countenance when we arrived at the hotel bar.
Kaitlin was wonderful company, but I couldn’t see anyone now. So, I told her that I needed to go and I would see her later.
I lied and told her I wasn’t feeling well and then I wandered out into the street for a walk through the local park. I only stopped when I found a bench that didn’t seem busy.
I watched the branches move about in the wind. The grass was long and green and children seemed to be playing a game of tag, while some happy couples ate a
I was in emotional turmoil, trust, pain, love and deceit was ripping me apart. I didn’t dare linger on what was happening inside me, I was better off not questioning myself. The turn of events was too depressing to think about. I needed to tune everyone out and make sense of this.
But soon, the end of this wild adventure was coming, and I knew I would regret it if I left New York without letting Logan know I loved him and I could forgive everything he’s done. Hell, even if he walked away from me for the last time, I would have closure, because I went out and got it for myself, and that would be more than enough.
I was just going to sit here. Until I walked the ten or so minutes back to the hotel to call Logan and meet him unless it got too cold. And would walk back in. When I saw a familiar shadow behind me my face grew wide in surprise.
Waiting for someone.
I knew who. Logan. My heart was anxious and I did something with my face
“Hello,” I said in a small voice, barely there.
He strode over and sat down on the bench next to me.
His body slumped like he shed the weight of this week.
He wore a polo shirt and some slacks and comfy sneakers. He looked handsome and debonair as usual like a man who knew who he was.
"I looked everywhere for you." Logan said. "I even called Kaitlin when you didn’t pick up the phone."
"Right…" I said and looked at the park.
"I left it in my room when I went down to meet Kaitlin."
"It's been pretty stressful for you." Logan noted, “...Do you hate me?”
I looked at him and saw the hurt in his eyes.
“No, I'm not even angry anymore.”
“To show you how sincere I was, I looked for a gift, but, surprise surprise, I couldn't find anything for the occasion.”
"You’ve done plenty for me this week. I don’t want anything from you. " I said.
Logan casually rolled his eyes and laughed.
The sound of nature filled the space and our conversation reached a heightened level of vulnerability. I moved closer to Logan, leaning my shoulder against his, and looked up at him. He stiffened and, looking at me with pensive eyes, wrapped his arm around me.
I wanted to take a photograph of this moment and think about it for the rest of time.
“I’m sorry. In my humble opinion, I acted like a total asshat” Logan apologized. “My mind went somewhere else, I was wild and erratic and I have disrespected the effort you put in."
“You weren’t in the right frame of mind when you did that. I believe you.”
I declared.
“It doesn’t matter now, anyway. I was dumb. End of story. I fucked up your trust in me, after all that time becoming a dynamic duo and I put it all in flames like a child playing with Legos.” He laughed bitterly. “Yet, we wouldn’t be here now, none of this would have happened if I didn’t fuck everything up.”
“You’re right about that.” I said crinkling a smile.
