“Johnny?” Julia’s voice broke through my thoughts.
I looked up at her. “Oh. Sorry. Guess I need some more coffee.” I stood and refilled my cup, drinking it black like I always did. “She was a very nice lady.” I almost snorted in my coffee as the words came from my mouth. Very nice looking.
“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming,” Carter said.
“I’m just not into talking about shit that’s already happened. We talked, she was nice enough, but I’m not going back.”
Julia sighed. “I knew you were going to say that.”
I fought the anger that threatened. I couldn’t—wouldn’t—be angry with Julia. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t understand. “I know you’re trying to help me. I appreciate that. But I’m okay, Jules. I promise.”
“I just want you to be happy,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes again. “Darn these hormones! I can’t do anything without crying anymore.”
Carter leaned over and brushed his lips against hers, and she smiled. “I love you.”
She echoed his words. Turning back to me, she reached her hand over and placed it on top of mine. “I love you too much to let you keep yourself in your self-imposed prison, Johnny. You got out of prison. Don’t keep yourself there anymore. I know what you’re doing until all hours of the day and night, both here and in Denver. You’re an attractive guy, I know that. And single. Very, very single. But this empty lifestyle doesn’t suit you.”
But it does, little sister. It’s all I deserve to have. I ruffled her hair and kissed her temple. “You worry too much.”
“She’s right,” Carter said. “You don’t let yourself get close to anyone. Who—other than me—have you let be a part of your life in the last two years?”
No one, not even you, I thought. “I’m just a private person. I don’t need a lot of friends, and I’m content with things the way they are. I appreciate life so much more now than before I was behind bars. You can’t understand that, but I want you both to believe me. I’m okay. Really.”
I thought back to Bex. She was angry, just like me. She was bitter and hardened, and shit had probably happened to her, too. And I cared about that as much as she cared what my story was. What I did care about, however, was using the time we had together tonight very wisely.
“I’m heading to the gym. Will you guys be around later? I’m not going in to the bar until about five.”
Julia looked at me, studying me for too long. “We’ll be here.”
I grabbed one more piece of bacon and walked back to my room. It was time to beat the shit out of some stuff and silence the demons again.
I sat in Cal’s office, reviewing some band applications we’d gotten online. The door was open, and I was waiting to hear Bex come in. I’d been listening to demos, but I wasn’t into it. I wanted to see if she wanted a little pre-show action tonight.
Cal appeared in the doorway. I scowled, not wanting to entertain him right now. I’d spent the entire night, morning, and afternoon thinking about Bex and our night together. I wanted tonight to be even better. I had a few tricks up my sleeve for her.
“What’s that face for?” Cal flopped in the chair next to his desk. He wiped his forehead. “Damn, it’s too hot. I need a day off.”
“Do you ever take a day off?”
“Not many. So, what’s your deal, bro? You’re a sullen guy on a good day, but today you’re just out of it.”
I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms in front of my chest. A ripple of pain coursed through my muscles. I may or may not have pushed it a little too far at the gym today. “I hardly slept last night, I pushed it at the gym, and I’m just naturally a dick.”
Cal laughed, shaking his head. “You’re too much. I bet I could figure out why you didn’t sleep much last night. “
I didn’t acknowledge his statement.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “You did it, didn’t you?”
“I haven’t a clue what the fuck you’re talking about. Care to give me a little more than that?”
Cal looked back at the door and reached out his leg to force it closed. As soon as it clicked shut, he turned back to me. “You fucked her, didn’t you?”
“What?”
“Bex. You went up there after the show. She gave in, didn’t she? What am I saying? Of course she did. Shit, I can’t believe it. You cracked the Ice Princess.”
I pressed my lips together. I didn’t talk about this shit. “Dude, I keep telling you, you need to get laid.”
Cal laughed again. “Well, if you weren’t so busy getting off last night you’d know that I did get laid. You could’ve met the lady I was talking about the other day. She came up here last night at closing, and we went back to my place.”
Thank God. We could talk about something else. I lifted my eyebrow in question but didn’t ask. I honestly didn’t care, but it kept me from being grilled about Bex. I wasn’t one of those guys that went around chatting it up to my friends about sleeping with women. Not that I had many friends. I had Kirk back at home and now Cal. Neither one of them I’d call and ‘hang out’ with outside of work. It was what it was.
“Remember I told you she was a little older but had a smoking hot body? Let’s just say that the few years she has on me has done her well. She was by far the best I’ve ever had. She’s a freak in bed.”
I almost groaned. Why did he think I wanted to know this? I guessed maybe men liked to talk about this shit with each other?
I turned back to the screen and pretended to be interested in the information from another local band, Twisted. Cal continued to rattle on and on about his night, not seeming to care that I wasn’t paying attention.
“So just when I get here this morning, Mia called me. She called me. She wants to see me again. I almost ran out of here and right into her bed. It was that good.”
The name caught my attention. “Mia?”
Cal whistled. “Yeah. I can’t tell you how many times I called that out last night. The things she can do with her . . .”
“Cal.” I held up my hand. “No offense, but I don’t give a fuck about that. I don’t want to think about what she was doing to any part of you. I know a lady named Mia, that’s why I was asking.”
His eyes got wide. “Really? Blonde, legs for days, mid-forties, great tits, smoking hot?”
I nodded. I wasn’t going to tell him how I knew her. So he got to fuck Mia. Okay so now I almost wanted to know information. About her, not him. “Yeah. My brother-in-law knows her.”
“Small world,” Cal stood, opening the door back up. “I hope to hell she wants to rock it every damn day. I’ve never had it like that.”
When I made a face again, he shut up. “Sorry. I’m like a damn chick today, aren’t I?”
“She’s hot if it’s the same Mia he knows,” I agreed. I wouldn’t admit that I also had wanted to fuck her. “I’m glad she wants to see you again, Cal. You looking to be serious with someone again?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I just want to have fun, you know? Kind of like you.” He waggled his eyebrows at me. “I know you did her. You don’t even have to tell me. I can read it all over your face. The way you keep looking over my shoulder into the hallway, too? You’re waiting for her.”
I never showed anything on my face. I learned long ago that showing what you were feeling or desiring on the outside made something bad happen. It made people understand you and see what made you tick. Then they knew how to hurt you. It was bad enough I’d never been able to hide my love for my sister. That’s why she’d always been my weakness. I forced my face to go blank.
“I have work to do,” I said, dismissing him. I wasn’t getting into this with him. He could assume all he wanted. What Bex and I did—and what we were going to do later—was between us. Well, and apparently Natalie, too. I wondered if Bex said anything to her after last night, but I kind of doubted it. There were women that you knew were going to go tell everyone they knew about your dick size, what you di
d, etc. I didn’t feel like Bex was that kind. Maybe because she’d told me to fuck off more than she’d said much else.
I loved that about her.
I’d gone through all of the emails, sent back some replies, scheduled some bands for upcoming months, and Bex and the band still weren’t down. I looked at the clock on the wall. She was usually warming up by now. I hadn’t even seen Natalie.
I stood up, stretching my back. I was seriously going to pay for killing myself at the gym, but the pain felt good. Before I could stop myself, I was heading into the hotel and up the elevator to Bex’s room.
Stepping off the elevator, I beelined it for her door. Just before I got there, Natalie stepped out. Seeing me, she stopped in her tracks, pulling the door shut behind her.
“Not a good time,” she said. She looked like she might’ve been crying.
“I was just checking because they’re usually warming up by now.” Both of us knew that wasn’t what I was there for, but hey, it sounded good.
Natalie put her hand on my arm and steered me away from her door. “They’ll be down in a bit.”
I knew I should leave well enough alone. I didn’t want to get into whatever was going on. But before I could stop it, I heard myself saying, “What’s going on?”
Natalie stopped and turned to me. “Johnny, I know you and Bex . . . hooked up last night. But she’s not the girl for you, okay?”
“I don’t want her to be my girl,” I said. “We have an agreement.” Not that it was any of her business. “I’m just asking if everything is okay because we have a show in less than an hour and no one is down there.”
She looked at me for a beat too long. “They’ll be down there, don’t worry about that. I have to go. Leave her be, Johnny. Seriously.”
Natalie walked down the hall and disappeared into one of the other rooms, leaving me staring at Bex’s door. What was going on? Did I care? I shouldn’t, but I kind of did. Plus I kind of thought I might be able to understand fucked up.
I knocked on her door, my eyes fixed on the one down the hall like a kid trying to sneak past their parents. I didn’t want Natalie to see me. No noise came from the room, so I knocked again. I knew she was in there since Natalie had just left.
“Bex, let me in,” I said to the crack in the door. “I know you’re in there. I just saw Natalie.” My head was screaming at me to get the hell out of there and leave this be. Whatever was going on was none of my business, and I shouldn’t be getting involved. The fantastic sex isn’t worth getting emotionally attached! Leave now before she opens the door. Get away from her! Forget about her. Find someone else to make you forget tonight.
I ignored the screaming voice in my head and knocked again. “Bex. Open the door.” I remembered saying this same thing yesterday, and it had ended in the best sex of my life. I was used to being able to control the encounters I had. She was different.
“Go away, Johnny.” Her voice came through the same crack I’d been speaking into. She sounded like she’d been crying, too. Run, the voice warned. You can’t get involved in this. “I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
“Open the door,” I repeated.
“No. I don’t want any visitors. Please. Leave me alone.”
There was something in the way she said that, her voice cracking at the end, that simultaneously made me want to run and break down the door. “I’m not leaving. I’ll stand here until you come out to play because I know you won’t miss that.”
Silence came from the other side of the door. I said nothing else, knowing I wasn’t begging, and that she would have to come out very soon. Fifteen minutes went by. I stood, leaning against the wall outside of her room. I hadn’t seen Natalie or any of the guys.
I had a million other things I could be doing, should be doing other than standing here, but I was going to see this through. If Bex learned anything about me (other than I could satisfy very well), it was that I was stubborn and hard headed. If I wanted to do something, I did it.
The door finally flew open, and I stepped into the doorway, pushing Bex back into her room. Her eyes widened at the sight of me filling her doorframe. Her outfit for her last show here was every man’s wet dream. She wore a white dress that fit her body like a glove. A sparkly bra was seen through the see-through material of the dress, and if she was wearing any underwear I couldn’t tell.
Her hair was straight and had purple streaks through it. Her makeup was bright, her eyes lined with sparkles like her bra. She looked both young and innocent, and edgy and sexy. I wanted her right fucking now.
“Johnny. I thought you left?”
“I told you I wasn’t leaving. One thing you should know about me, Bex, is that if I say something, I mean it.”
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. I knew it was supposed to mean she was angry with me, but all I could do was stare at her ample cleavage through her dress. “And I told you I didn’t want company. What the fuck is your problem? I let you fuck me . . .”
“You let me? Let’s be clear. You wanted it as much as I did. Multiple times, if I remember correctly. Let’s not start that, princess.”
She jabbed her finger into my chest. “I’m not your princess. Stop fucking calling me that. Why won’t you leave me alone when I ask you to? Do you have some sort of malfunction in your head?”
I grabbed her finger and slammed her body into mine. “You didn’t care what the fuck I called you while I was pounding you last night, so stop being a bitch. I know that’s what you use as your defense mechanism. I get that. And no, I don’t have a malfunction in my head, at all.”
Bex blinked up at me. “I am a bitch,” she said finally, trying to wriggle free of me. I held on tighter, digging my fingers into her round ass. My erection pressed into her. She turned me the hell on, bitchiness and all.
“And I’m a dick. And I have a dick you like. So let me make you feel better.”
She lifted her chin in defiance. “I don’t want to fuck you. I want you to get away from me. Our arrangement is over.”
“Is that right,” I said, lifting the small dress and running my fingers from her ass around to the sensitive skin in between her legs. She was wearing underwear, but they were small and sheer. I ran my finger under the seam of her thong and into her wet folds, and she didn’t stop me. “You’re fucking wet. You sure you don’t want me?”
Her eyes fluttered as I added another finger. Bex gripped my forearms, letting her legs fall apart just enough that I knew I had her. “I . . . have to go . . .”
“You have five minutes,” I whispered into her ear. “That’s all I need to send you out of this room in a better mood.”
“I hate you,” she whispered. “Why won’t you just let me be?”
I removed my fingers. “I’ll leave you be. That’s fine. I don’t need this shit.” I turned to leave the room, my pulse pounding with anger. Why was I doing this to myself? Yeah, she was a challenge. But she was more trouble than I needed just to get my rocks off.
Just as I reached the door and yanked the handle, she stepped in front of me. “Wait.”
It was my turn to act like a dick. She’d pushed me just a hair too far. “What? You can use your fingers and get yourself off. I’m done here. As you said before, our arrangement is over. I’ll see you downstairs.”
I flung the door open and left her standing there looking after me.
Bex
The door slammed shut, the ferocity of it shaking the mirror over the dresser and the little bit of nerves I had left. I reached down and put my fingers right where he’d just been moments before. This day could go to hell. From the second I’d woken up screaming today until now, my head was all messed up. I was in no mood to go out and play tonight. I felt raw, exposed. Even though only Natalie and Beau knew anything about my past, I still hated when I let it bother me. I was stronger than that.
Except when I wasn’t.
Johnny got to me. I hated that he did. Not only did he get me sexually, but when he looke
d at me, I felt more naked than when he was inside me. I’d known the man less than two days. He got under my skin, pissed me off, and made me feel something. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t wait to get away from him. Feeling something was out of the question.
Had he not walked out, I would’ve let him fuck me again. And I would’ve enjoyed every single second of it. Now that he was gone, though, I could breathe again. Tonight after the show, I wasn’t answering my door. Last night would have to be enough. I could spend the next few weeks touching myself to that memory.
I pulled my dress back down, touching my fingers briefly to the scar behind my tattoo. I’ll always remember, I promised. It helped me remember why I didn’t love again, and why my heart wasn’t capable of feeling. The last part of me that was capable of love had been ripped out and put in the ground ten years ago, never to be resurrected again.
I had to get the guys and head downstairs to warm up. It was time to block out the world and do the one thing that kept me sane.
The crowd screamed as I bowed. We’d been playing for over two hours, and I was exhausted, but finally my head had shut up. I hadn’t seen Johnny at all, and I was relieved. The crowd was record breaking, all of them singing along with us.
“Thank you so much, Outrigger!” I screamed into my headset. They screamed back at me, and then quieted when I held my hand up so I could talk. “Tonight was our last night here, and it’s been amazing. We can’t wait to come back again and play. But after tonight, we’re headed back home to practice to go on tour! Isn’t that amazing? We’re beyond stoked to tour with Halestorm, and if I’m honest, I’m fangirling over it. I mean, it’s fucking Halestorm, right?”
The deafening sound cleared out the last of the memories in my head. “So to finish up tonight, I thought I’d sing one of my favorites from them. Hell, all of their songs are my favorites. But as a tribute to them, and for the years I’ve been idolizing them, without further ado, here’s ‘Love Bites.’
We rocked for the next three minutes. Every time I screamed into the crowd they screamed back. I jumped around the stage, giving it my all. What I wouldn’t give to be on stage singing along with Lzzy Hale as she did this song.
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