by Jo Leigh
“No. Because you’ll hate yourself if you don’t.”
“Mom, I love you, but you don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, look over there,” she said, pointing at nothing across the way.
“Subtle, darling.” Her mother patted her hand, showing off some very vivid red nail polish. “I may not know very much about the world, but I know you. And for once in your life, listen to your mother. Okay? Now, what do you say, let’s have a toast to the happy couple.”
Taylor picked up her wine, and so did the rest of the guests. Steve stood up. Smiled. “Thanks you guys. For everything.” He lifted his glass, looked at Lisa, then back at his family. “The wedding’s off.”
18
GUILT, LIKE A HOT KNIFE, sliced through Taylor as the words sank in. She’d meddled, they’d all meddled, and look what happened. Two people who clearly loved each other were calling off their future. She wanted to stand up, take it all back, beg them to reconsider. Instead, she took hold of her mother’s hand while Steve continued.
“Let me rephrase that,” he said, smiling again at Lisa, then looking back. “This wedding’s off. We’re still going to get married.”
Taylor exhaled, the relief enough to make her dizzy.
“Why?” Ben asked. “Everything’s all set to go.”
“Because we want to do this right,” Steve said. He sat down, leaned in to the table. The spark that Taylor had seen only in bits and snatches was back in his eyes, and he looked like the Steve of old. So maybe this was the right thing. Maybe they hadn’t screwed things up too badly.
“We’re going to get married in Kansas, so Lisa’s dad can be there. So her friends can be there.” He covered her hand with his. “So she can say goodbye.”
“What?” Mimi, who seemed awfully pasty, blinked several times. She looked as if she’d been mugged. “But the chapel. The judge. The flowers. It’s all ready. Tomorrow night, seven o’clock. There’s an organist. And a photographer.”
“And we’ll pay for all that, Mom,” he said. “But tell the truth, wouldn’t you rather us get married at your church, with all your friends there? We can have the reception at the club, just like you wanted us to do.”
“I suppose,” she said unconvincingly. She drank the wine in her glass and reached for the bottle.
Ben got it first, and filled her glass. “What was that about saying goodbye?”
“A lot has happened since yesterday,” Lisa said. “Steve has something else to share.”
Steve kept his gaze on Lisa. “I’m sorry I didn’t say something before, but… Anyway, about four months ago I had a heart attack.”
Taylor gasped, checked on her mother, whose pallor now matched Mimi’s.
“Don’t everybody freak. It turns out it was a good thing. I had something wrong with the lining of my heart, but they caught it in time and repaired it. I’m lucky.”
“You went through it alone?” Ben asked. “You didn’t tell anyone?”
“Larry was there. He took me to the hospital. Just in time, it turns out. But here’s the deal. I’m better than ever, now. Honest. They fixed it, and the doc said there’s no reason I should have any trouble again. Hey, I figure it could have happened at sea, and then I’d have been a goner. I got a second chance.”
“And that’s why you wanted to do all this,” Taylor said. “Hurry up and get married. Start a family.”
“Yeah. Let me tell you, it scared the hell out of me. But once Lisa and I talked about it, and she finished yelling at me, we took another look at the big picture.”
Lisa squeezed his hand. “I’ve known from the first moment I met him that he loved his boats more than anything.”
“Almost anything,” Steve added.
“Right.” Lisa focused on her mother, who was having the most difficult time with all this. “The point is, even though I think he’d do wonderfully at whatever he set his mind to, being a sales rep for Dad’s company wouldn’t have made him truly happy. And that’s all I want for him. Besides, I like the weather in San Diego.”
“You’re moving?” Mimi asked.
“Yes. I’m sorry, Mom, I know it kind of leaves you in the lurch, but I know you’ll do fine. You have so many friends, and there’s no reason you can’t go on with the business. I’m going to start up something in California. And in the meantime, I’ll help Steve however I can.”
“We’re gonna buy a house, though. That’s the first order of business.”
Taylor looked at Ben who seemed to be in a state of shock. A happy state, from the looks of it. “What I can’t understand,” she said, “was why all the secrecy?”
Steve shook his head. “I don’t know. According to Lisa, stupidity pretty much covers it.”
“Well,” Taylor’s mom said, “I’m thrilled. I think this is an excellent beginning. A wonderful start to a happy life. You both have my full support. Whatever I can do to help.” She lifted her glass to the couple, then turned pointedly toward Mimi.
She wasn’t so eager to give her blessings, but she did, after finishing her wine.
The food arrived, and for a while all everyone did was eat. But Ben kept sneaking glances at her, then turning away. He had to be happy with all this. Steve had told the truth, they weren’t rushing into an ill-advised marriage, and he wasn’t giving up his dreams. And yet, she could tell that something was bothering him. She wished they’d sat next to each other. She’d corner him after dinner, that’s all.
Lisa rapped her spoon against her glass to get everyone’s attention. “Ladies, don’t forget, tomorrow morning we still have our appointments at the spa.”
“But why?” Mimi looked so forlorn. All her plans had become so much dust.
“Just because we’re not getting married, doesn’t mean this can’t still be a celebration. Tomorrow night, we’re taking you and Pauline to dinner and a show. Celine Dion.”
Mimi brightened right up. “How? The tickets are impossible.”
“Steve came through. Turns out the concierge loves deep-sea fishing, and he’s going to be joining us on a trip to Baja next month. Sorry it couldn’t have been tickets for us all.”
“Hey, that’s fine,” Ben said. “I’m sure we’ll come up with something to occupy our time.”
Steve waggled his eyebrows. “You know, it’s not too late to change our minds. Keep the chapel and everything.”
Ben looked like he’d been slapped. His eyes widened in panic. Taylor could have killed Steve. It had all been going so well. She coughed, trying to cover her embarrassment and excused herself. The walk to the rest room took a million years, all of which were filled with humiliation and a sadness that went straight to her bones.
She wished like hell Steven hadn’t made the joke. Not just for the obvious reason, but because at that second she realized that more than anything in the world, all she had wanted was for Ben to say yes.
BEN GOT THROUGH the rest of dinner, although at the end he couldn’t have said what he ate or how it tasted. The mixture of guilt and anger had dulled his senses, and all he wanted was to escape.
What the hell was he supposed to have done? Said sure, I’d love to marry your sister, even though we haven’t seen each other in ten years, but gee, the sex is great, so I know it has to work out? What the hell was Steve thinking, making a crack like that. It would have been stupid enough to say it privately, but with Taylor sitting right there?
Ben hardly ever got mad at Steve, but tonight was the exception. Boy, was it an exception. The bastard had put him in a tight corner with no escape routes. Of course he knew Taylor would have laughed him out of the room if he’d even suggested that they jump into marriage like that. She was a sensible girl, and even though she was going through a lot of emotional stuff with him, she hadn’t once said she was in love with him.
Even if she had, that wouldn’t mean they should, well, get married, for God’s sake. Marriage was big. Huge. Important. Forever.
Everyone else was already standing, waiting to leave. He
got up, followed them out of the restaurant, making sure he wasn’t next to Taylor.
At the curb, waiting for taxis, he gave himself a mental chuck to the head and went over to her. “Hey.”
She smiled, but it seemed strained to him. “Sorry about that.”
“About what?”
She looked at him as if he was a total jerk. Which was true.
“Oh, yeah. You don’t need to apologize. However, I do plan on kicking your brother’s ass from here to the hotel.”
“He doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s a doozy.”
“Yeah. I mean, come on. Us? Get married? Tomorrow? What’s he, crazy?”
She looked down the street. “Yeah, crazy.”
“What are you up to now?” he asked.
“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’m pretty tired, and I have to get up early to do the whole spa thing.”
“Ah, yeah. The spa thing. What does that include, exactly?”
She still kept an eye out for oncoming cabs. “Manicure, pedicure, facial, hair, makeup. The whole wedding package.”
“Well, then, I guess I better get cracking on something special for us to do tomorrow night.”
She turned to him finally. “No. I mean, don’t bother. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Worry about you? Are you kidding? I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than escort you in all your glory. I just hope I can come up with something worthy.”
She smiled. “Thanks, but really. Don’t go to any trouble.”
He touched her arm, and she flinched. Not a big old jump backward, but he hadn’t imagined it. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
He took her by the arms and pulled her away from the others. “Taylor, come on. Talk to me.”
“It’s nothing. I’m just tired.”
“I know you better than that. I think you’re upset about what Steve said.”
“Well, of course. He’s my brother, and he had a heart attack. Naturally, I’m worried.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
“Ben, drop it, okay? Please?”
He looked at her hard, wishing he were suave and clever and that he could say a few words that would set everything right. But he wasn’t. All he knew was that he cared a hell of a lot about her, and he didn’t want to make her sad. “Tell you what,” he said. “Let’s go back to the hotel, but instead of you going to your room alone, let’s us have some fun. There’s supposedly a really good dance club there. What say we shake it for a while? Get some ya-yas out?”
She laughed. It wasn’t fake or anything, and he felt instantly better.
“I’m really not in the mood for any ya-ya shaking. But you’re right. Let’s do something fun.”
“There’s a cool arcade at New York, New York.”
“Try again.”
“Miniature golf?”
She shook her head.
“How about a drive?”
“In what?”
“Let me worry about that. You go on up to your room, get into something comfy. I’ll pick you up, and take you for a spin.”
She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the mouth. “The cab is here.”
It took him a second to register what she’d said. “Okay, then. Let’s move.”
TAYLOR PUT ON the green dress. She thought about wearing something different, but she needed to feel good. The dress helped, but just a bit.
Her depression was irrational, she knew that. What on earth had she expected? Just because she loved Ben didn’t mean he loved her. She knew he cared for her, but he had a whole life back in New York, and he’d said time and again that he didn’t want a relationship.
Even if they could get past that, what would it mean? Trips back and forth between coasts? She had savings, but she was by no means wealthy. Who knew what Ben’s finances were like. It would cost a fortune, and besides, long-distance relationships rarely worked out.
She finished in the bathroom, and got her computer from the bedroom. Settling herself on the curved couch, she booted up and went in to check her e-mail. There were several notes from the gang, and one was about her and Ben.
To: Taylor
From: Sandra
EvesApple.com
Subject: Discoveries
Dear Taylor,
I’ve been following your adventures with Ben, and I’ve decided to tell you what I’ve been thinking, and not sugarcoat it. Okay, so it’s easier to be brave when it’s someone else’s life at stake, but here goes anyway.
I think you need to tell Ben you love him. What, you say? You never said anything about love?
Well, here’s a news flash girlfriend: You’re in love with Ben Bowman, and you have been for ten years.
Now, don’t get all huffy. Maybe you can’t see it, but damn girl, we can. The whole reason you haven’t found the right man out there is because you already have the right man. Ben’s been your guy, will be your guy. As far as I’m concerned, it’s destiny, and you two just have to work out the details.
But, you say, he doesn’t want a relationship! Yeah, yeah, heard that before. Here’s another cosmic truth: Men don’t know bupkis about what they want. They have to be shown. I’m sure Ben’s a wonderful guy in all kinds of ways, but he’s still clueless. It’s up to you, babe, to show him the light.
Tell him that you love him. Don’t wait for him to tell you he loves you back. That may take some time. Just believe it’s true, and move on from there.
You’ve been living a half-life in San Fran. I know you have, because (and don’t make me get out old e-mails to show you) you’ve said so time and again. There’s nothing holding you there at all. The job? When’s the last time you were passionate about that? Your pals? Just how easy has it been to take a pass at an evening out? Sure, you have your pool league, but guess what, they have pool leagues in New York. Your bike? They have roads in New York, too.
Tell the absolute truth now. If Ben asked you tonight to come live with him, what would you say? I already know the answer. You’d be on it like white on rice.
So don’t wait for him to make the first move. You’re a twenty-first-century woman. Take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and make your intentions known. I promise, Ben will be grateful.
The bottom line? Ben isn’t your Man To Do. He’s your Man To Keep.
So put your fears on the back burner, and get cooking. You have a life to live, and you’ll never forgive yourself if you chicken out.
But, you ask, what if he says no? Then you’re no worse off than you are now.
Why are you still reading? Go on. Go!
Your friend, Sandy.
Taylor didn’t even realize she was crying until a big fat drop landed on the keyboard. She wiped her cheek and closed the e-mail.
Sure, it was easy for Sandy, for her mom to tell her to go for it. It was all simple when you’re sitting in the bleachers. She was on the ten-yard line, here, and the chances of her getting creamed were damn good.
The truth was, she’d already been as brave as she could be. Braver than she ever thought she could. She’d told Ben about her confusion, about him being her reason, she’d even confessed about Cade. What did everyone want from her? She wasn’t a superheroine. She wasn’t even Mediocre Heroine. She was just Taylor, who’d been hiding from the truth for years and years, who’d been living in her safe little world, never facing the facts about her heart.
All she had to do was get through two more days. Then she could go back home and do everything in her power to get on with it. Forget about Ben, and all he’d been with her.
Okay, so it wasn’t possible to forget about him, but she could put it all in perspective. Go out and meet new people with new eyes. She didn’t have to continue to live in purgatory. She could change her life, all by her lonesome.
Oh, God. Lonesome.
The tears welled again, and that wasn’t okay. She headed back to the bathroom, afraid of what she’d see in the
mirror. She would not be a crying fool when Ben came to get her. In fact, she wasn’t going to let him see any part of her emotional baggage. He didn’t deserve that.
Ben had been nothing but a sweet pea the whole time they’d been here. All this was on her head. Her own damn fault.
Ben Bowman, aside from everything else, was a friend. A good friend. Someone who cared about her, who always would. She’d be a jerk to let that go because she couldn’t have everything she wanted.
She worked some voodoo on her makeup, grateful that she wasn’t a swollen mess. And just in time. The knock at the door came a few seconds after she’d powdered her nose. Pasting a big smile on her face, she opened the door to the man she would love forever.
Her heart shattered a wee bit more as she saw the bouquet of roses in his hand. He really was her dream guy. She simply wouldn’t let it become a nightmare.
19
BEN WAITED WHILE TAYLOR filled the vase with water, and put it on the coffee table. He hadn’t meant to make her cry. In fact, he’d wanted her to feel better.
“They’re so beautiful,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I love roses.”
“They’re not half as beautiful as you,” he said, folding her into his arms. He kissed her, grateful when she sank against him.
For a long moment, all he did was appreciate the taste of her, the feel of her. He’d made such a mess of things, and he wanted to make it right. Tonight, he’d take her to play pool. He’d already made sure he could get a table at Pink-ees. They’d play, have some laughs, and by tomorrow, all would be well.
She pulled back, looked at him with glistening eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For being such a sap.”
“What are you talking about?”
She sniffed. “Nothing. Never mind.” She slipped away to get her purse. “I’m ready. Where are we going?”
“Well, remember you said you wanted to—”
“Wait.” Taylor put her purse down again. “Don’t say anything, okay? Just let me tell you what I have to.”
