by Riley Jean
“Will you sing for me?”
I blushed. There was no music or choir to accompany me. He wanted me to sing? Here, now, in the middle of a sandy beach at night?
Finally I opened my eyes to find him watching me. “What would you like to hear?” I asked shyly.
I felt the passion in his voice down to my pinky toes. “I want to hear what’s in your heart.”
I hesitated. I didn’t doubt what was in my heart, but would my feelings scare him away?
“Don’t think,” he said smoothly, aptly reading my apprehension. “Just feel.”
Okay. Just feel.
So I took a deep breath, and did exactly that.
For a musician, I sang in a dusty garage. For a jock, I sang to my entire graduating class. And for the man with blue eyes, I sang Sarah Mclaughlin’s “Angel” in front of the Pacific Ocean.
Just for him.
The song spoke of emptiness, loneliness, inadequacy, a hundred dismal emotions that I almost regretted confessing aloud. My song choice was impetuous—picked in the heat of the moment without giving it a second thought. Though now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop the words from pouring from my heart.
I bared it all to him in my breathy, soulful voice. My insecurities. My confusion at the girl I was becoming. My yearning for a love so pure that I hadn’t dared to believe it could actually be real.
Funny thing about music, how it always finds new ways to move you. How a single song can capture everything inside you that words alone can’t express. Lyrics and melodies that somehow know exactly what I needed to say, reminding me that whatever I’m going through, I’m not the only one.
Somehow, the somber tune reminded me of him. Of where I was headed before he came into my life. And of finding comfort in the arms of the angel…
After the last note, I opened my eyes, gave him a tremulous smile and awaited his judgment on bated breath.
I was shocked to find his eyes glossed over as if in a trance. I recognized the same dazed, beguiling look that I had adorned for him on so many occasions. But I never imagined I would find him just as captivated by me.
He stuck a finger under my chin. “That,” he said gently. “That is what I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”
One comment like that and I’m weak in the knees. My eyes grew larger, enamored with him, hungry for more of his teasing touches and magical words.
He chuckled and shook his head, appearing just as taken as me. “How do you even exist?”
I smiled softly. Hadn’t I wondered the same thing about him? “Sometimes I pinch myself,” I said. “Because I just don’t believe it… How have I fallen for my own guardian angel?”
The words slipped out before I could stop them. I knew I had fallen hard and fast, but I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. I didn’t regret telling him. Not even when I heard his sharp intake of breath.
I grabbed onto his hands and clutched them between us, unwilling to let him break the spell this time.
“You said you felt what I felt. You asked me to live in this moment and sing from the heart. One minute you let yourself touch me and the next you turn me away. What are you afraid of?”
“Losing you,” he whispered.
It completely tore me apart.
“Don’t you remember the night we met? I ran straight into your arms before I ever knew you.” I cupped his strong jaw in my hands, demanding his attention. I had to make him understand. “And when I looked into your eyes, do you know what I saw? Do you know what I still see?”
He stared at my lips while I spoke. I wondered why he wouldn’t just kiss them.
“I see someone kind, and strong, and protective, and passionate, and smart. You may have known a cruel side to this world, but that doesn’t change the person you are. You found me alone in a corner and still saw through me.
“I’m not blinded, Gabriel. For the first time, I’m seeing everything clearly. This handsome face takes my breath away, but that’s not what captured my heart. It was you, and your passion and kindness. You, who clothed a stranger and danced with me. You, who—despite the life you were dealt—are the strongest person I know. Don’t you see? I never had any hope of not falling for you.”
“I wish…” his voice trailed off. Swallowed up by the distant waves and the faint crackle and pop of our fire. Only a few final flames and embers remained. Its red glow danced across our features in the darkness.
“I didn’t know where I belonged or who I was anymore,” I said, still holding his face in my hands. “But I know now… I’m yours.”
It rumbled through me like a tidal wave. Suddenly as it came, I knew it was truth. This was my forever. This what who I was meant to be.
He closed his eyes, tightly at first. But I gave him a minute. And slowly I began to see the conflict inside him lose its grip. When he looked at me again, his gaze was sharp, intense as ever. “I’m rubbish at this,” he said, almost apologetic. “All I wanted was to keep you safe. But how in the bloody hell was I supposed to resist those eyes?”
I blinked back at him, mesmerized, captivated in every sense.
He took me fully in his arms and pulled, cradling me in his lap, staring into my eyes like he was seeing the depths of my soul. “I deserve a fate far worse than to hold a beautiful girl who bestows her grace upon me, yet calls me her angel,” he said, brushing my hair aside. “And I fear the moment I give in, I’ll lose you like every other good thing in my life.”
My heart flipped. I wanted to devour each and every one of his words and keep them inside me forever.
“The day I met you, love… the world became brighter. Never, ever be ashamed of your innocence, for it’s what’s drawn me to you. It’s what makes me want to be that man you see, better than the man who takes what he wants.” He spoke like the truth had seized him. “You have given me a new dream, Scarlett Rossi. I endeavor to be worthy of you. With my whole heart… I just want to love you.”
I reveled in the brutal honesty I saw in his eyes. He so was not rubbish at this.
“Then what are you waiting for?” I smiled. “Show me.”
Then it happened. At last.
He brushed his mouth softly against mine, showing me a sweetness I had never known. His kiss was tentative initially. Barely a whisper of a touch, as if I were as fragile as a bubble.
With raw emotion, he breathed into me. “Why did you have to be so sweet?”
“More,” I pleaded softly.
“Say it again.”
Scarcely breathing, my shimmering eyes glued to his. “I am so in love with you, Gabriel. I’m yours.”
He took my face gently in his hands. “Good. Because I’m never letting you go now.”
Then he kissed me, right there in the sand, and never in my life had anything felt so right.
I fell in love with Gabriel one piece at a time. First, for his gentle smile and the kindness of his spirit. Next, for the intense passion in his eyes. After that, for his strength and his fierce, protective nature. Then, for his heart, and the way it knew me in an instant.
Lastly, I fell in love with his mouth. For the way he tasted of sugar and salt. For the way his lips pulled me in and never let go. For the way his kiss ruined me for all other men.
But what did I care of other men? One epic romance was all I needed for this lifetime.
Because I loved him. And I would always love him.
* * *
[Present]
I stirred gently as a light kiss touched my forehead. “I love you, Scarlett.”
“I love you…” I meant to sigh his name, but it passed my lips before I realized what I’d done.
“Gabriel?” Vance startled next to me. “Who’s Gabriel?”
Chapter 40
Slip
“Say Something” by A Great Big World
My eyes popped open, jarring me out of my daze. There was no way I had just said that aloud… had I? One look at Vance’s crushed expression confirmed the awful truth
. Oh no. How could I?
Quickly I tried to backpedal. “Vance…” I insisted, “I said Vance!”
He gave a short, mirthless laugh and looked away from me. “No. You didn’t. Not even close.”
He tried to get up from our entangled position, and I should have let him. But because I was a selfish girl, now that he didn’t want me, I needed him most. My shaky fingers reached out and frantically tried to pull him back to me, yet he slipped away.
The loss of his body next to mine was excruciating. In a matter of seconds, all the hope and trust and love vanished from the room, leaving both of us empty and shrouded in darkness.
Keeping his back to me, he yanked on his t-shirt and covered his body. “I can put up with a lot for you, Rosie, but not… I won’t…” Unable to finish, he shook his head again.
Oh no.
He thought I was playing him.
I rushed to assure him, “He’s not even here anymore, he’s… he’s… I don’t know why I said that!” My hands were in my hair, panicked and tugging desperately. I racked my brain for some way to make this better, but drew a blank. I’d finally been able to let go, to live in the moment and speak from the heart; but I ruined it by saying the wrong effing name. What the hell was wrong with me? I had committed the unforgivable. I hurt him, like I knew I inevitably would. We wouldn’t move past this.
“I feel like a bigger idiot than Todd,” he grumbled, referencing that boy I had hooked up with last New Year’s Eve, then completely forgot his existence.
My eyes stung hearing Vance compare himself to someone that had meant nothing to me. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
“It’s not what you think,” I pleaded, knowing that it was useless as soon as the cliché excuse reached my own ears.
Vance finally turned to face me, his eyes wild and desperate. “Then what is it?” he yelled. “Tell me what the hell it is!”
I flinched at his tone and the hurt in his eyes. After everything I’d put him through all these months, after everything I’d kept from him, he was still willing to listen. He still wanted to believe me.
Here was my chance to tell him the truth. Gabriel wasn’t some other guy I was seeing on the side; he was the reason for everything I had become. It had been less than a year since I lived through the worst day of my life, and I wasn’t over it. I lost more than my boyfriend that day… I lost myself.
I had been nothing more than an empty shell when Vance came along. Even though it was a doomed mission from the start, he fought stubbornly to save me, to heal me, to love me. He had done the impossible. He had me laughing again, feeling again. He had broken through my wall, one brick at a time.
But like always, my cowardice selfishly preceded the truth that he deserved.
My mouth opened to speak, but there were no more excuses, no more time to stall. And I couldn’t form the only words that would save us. I hung my head and choked down the sob forming in my throat. Why couldn’t I just put on my big girl panties and say it?
And then he spoke the words that shattered the very last piece of my heart.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
I stared at the silhouette of his defeated form, not quite believing what was happening. Those were the words I’d wanted to hear for months. I’d done everything imaginable to push him away. Now that I had finally succeeded, it felt like death all over again.
“You know what Gwen told me at the beginning?” he asked, facing the window. “She said I made it too easy for you. That maybe if I went out with some other girl, you’d be jealous, change your mind and come running back. But I couldn’t do that. You’d already dated a cheater, and a liar, and who knows what else. Maybe that’s what works for you. But I thought we were better than those games.”
My eyes welled up. If ever there was a time to speak up, this was it. It was now or never. I was about to lose him. But the overwhelming emotions struck me mute.
“I love you, Scarlett,” he said, still refusing to look in my direction. “And I really tried. But if you’re so damn determined to be alone, then maybe you were right all along. Because I deserve to be loved, too.”
The silence mounted, and I felt my time slipping through my fingers like little grains of sand.
Going… going…
“Either tell me the truth,” he said, his voice hollow, “Or. Get. Out.”
…Gone.
It broke my heart to hear the defeat in his voice. This boy who smelled like spices and tasted like mint, who lit up the world with his natural sunshine, who loved me and would have done anything for me, had I let him in.
I’d kept a distance between us, believing that it would be best for us both. After all that, I finally got what I wanted. I’d pushed him too far. I’d pushed him away for good.
It occurred to me then what I had done. I’d found a way to bring the chaos in my life full circle. I had held something precious all this time, and I did what I do best. I destroyed it.
One minute passed. Two.
Fumbling in the dark to gather my things, I let the tears slip silently down my cheeks. I opened his door and stood at the threshold, giving myself once last chance to muster up the strength to face my fears. To decide if I wanted Vance enough to drag him into this twisted nightmare, or if I cared about him enough to really set him free.
Swallowing painfully, I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. I finally walked away from him, when everything in me wanted to stay.
* * *
I sat in my car drying the tears with my sleeve, feeling like the world’s biggest bitch. I had been so close to letting myself feel everything I’d ever wanted. How had I fucked this up so royally? A hundred regrets pelted me like hale, but only one seemed to matter the most.
I never should have let him fall.
I pulled away from his curb and decided to take the long way home. Driving down these familiar streets and further away from Vance turned that wonderful feeling he had given me into a brutally reopened wound. Soon our distance would be much more than proverbial walls. Two days from now I’d be in Texas. I’d be living my dream—the chance at a fresh start away from the ghosts of my past. Away from everyone. Away from him.
I drove past the park and Mooshi and Honey’s with no destination in mind. There was literally nothing left for me here. No friends, not even Vance… The very thought had my mind swimming in our painfully ugly goodbye. Damn if tonight hadn’t ripped my chest wide open. But I had done it. Inadvertently, I had let him go for good.
He’d love again. He had too big of a heart not to. But me… my fate was sealed one year ago. My heart didn’t have the resilience to withstand this kind of loss. One heartbreak was bad enough. After four, I didn’t have the strength or desire to try again.
An hour later, I was still driving aimlessly. No matter how many times I told myself it was all for the best, I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t leave it all behind. I couldn’t lay this to rest. Not yet.
Jitters and agitation took root. Like a junkie, I yearned for some sort of fix. Since I just walked away from my one and only balm, I began to crave old habits. Unhealthy ones. Ricky, as stupid as that sounded. Or a drink.
Obnoxious honking at the next red light caught my attention, where the one and only Phoenix was hanging out the passenger window of a new Charger, waving his arms spastically. The distraction broke through my morose thoughts. I gawked at the spectacle he was making and rolled down my window when he signaled.
“Catching flies?” I asked.
“Scarrrr!” He yelled through his hands like a bullhorn, even though his window was three feet from mine. “I miss your freaking face!”
I shook my head at his craziness. “My face? Or my freaking face?”
“Get your cute little ass over to Dirk’s house! It’s a reunion!”
Reunion?
Nervously I glanced beyond Phoenix to see Dirk wiggling his eyebrows at me from the driver’s seat. My eyes drifted to find one more tall figure in the bac
k that I couldn’t quite see through the tinted window. If that was Nathan, so help me…
I twisted forward in a flash, hoping that my thoughts weren’t written all over my face. There was no way I could hang out with them for some sort of reunion. Drama had already consumed this entire night, and I couldn’t handle adding anymore. I just needed to come up with some excuse. My mind raced for some sort of justification for why I was driving away from my house at one in the morning.
“I can’t… I was just on my way to… to, uh…”
Was this light going to stay red for the rest of our lives?
The back window rolled down and I swallowed anxiously.
But the head that poked out was not covered with shaggy brown hair nor topped with a beanie.
It belonged to Lexi Monroe.
“You gonna be a baby or are you gonna join us?” she taunted, lifting a brown paper bag inconspicuously shaped like a bottle, and wiggled it temptingly.
My eyes focused on the bottle, then on Lexi, then to Phoenix and Dirk, and I had my answer.
I could already feel myself slipping, spiraling, too far gone to turn back now. This was just the escape I was looking for. In two days I’d be leaving California behind for good. Might as well go out with a bang.
“I’m coming,” I said, and shifted into first gear as the light turned green.
“Whoo! Follow us to the par-tay!” Phoenix shouted, and with a final fist pump in the air, he climbed back into his seat.
So I followed the Charger to a place that I knew couldn’t fix my problems, to a house that should have remained locked in the past, because this was exactly where the world’s biggest bitch belonged.
Chapter 41
Self Destruction
“Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace
“Check it out,” Lexi squealed, holding the liquor bottle between her breasts. “It matches my bikini!”
I smirked at her obvious attempt to draw attention to her cleavage. So predictably vapid.
Both Phoenix and Dirk smiled appreciatively, glancing back and forth between the bottle and her boobs as if they were actually contemplating the colors. If you asked me, the blue of the Hypnotics was a completely different shade of blue than her bathing suit. But of course, nobody asked me.
