by Riley Jean
Dirk’s fingers snuck under my tankini top and slowly traveled up my bare front. Again I tried to extricate myself from his hold. Once his palm latched on, I jumped.
“Let go!” I yelled.
“Would you fucking calm down?” he growled in my ear, shaking me and tightening his grip. “I barely touched you.” I gasped at the pain, hardly able to believe that Dirk was actually doing this. I had known him for years, I had never seen him aggressive with women.
For the first time I began to fear that I wouldn’t be able to stop him. Dirk had believed Nathan’s rumors to be true. He wouldn’t even realize when he took me, that he was taking my innocence.
Turned out I had something to lose after all.
A sick, destructive part of my brain whispered that I deserved this, just like I deserved Ricky’s wrath and Vance’s revulsion. I had come to this house willingly, flirted willingly, kissed him willingly. I deserved what I got from all of them for pretending. For trusting the wrong people and being selfish with the good ones, again and again.
And most of all, I deserved this for hurting Vance.
I wasn’t going to blame the universe for this one. I had gotten myself into this mess. I should have been asleep in Vance’s arms right now, calling him my boyfriend and telling him I loved him. Instead, I’d walked in fear and flirted with the devil, and it had finally caught up with me.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. But sometimes bad things happen because we make poor effing choices.
Eyes squeezed shut, I conjured up thoughts of Vance to distract me from Dirk’s wandering hands. I pictured Vance laughing. Vance pushing me on the swing at our park. Vance kissing me for the first time, on a blanket under the stars. Vance dancing with me at the Spill Canvas concert. Vance telling me he loved me…
Vance loved me… what had I done? And what the hell was I doing here?
At that moment, I would’ve given anything for a do-over. I would have confessed everything to Vance and stayed the hell away from this house. Alcohol and hooking up hadn’t fixed anything, it just made my life ten times worse.
My eyes slowly opened to find Phoenix watching us, seeming a bit more coherent. “Hey bro, ease up on her,” he said as Lexi slobbered on his neck.
Dirk’s head left my shoulder and he sat straight back, pulling me along with him. “Hey bro. Just go back to your lay and I’ll get back to mine.”
And then I saw my opening.
One hundred emotions swarmed my senses at once. Fear. Anger. Guilt. Injustice.
But not helplessness.
I almost didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to hurt my friend. But he’d left me no choice.
I braced myself, resolute, brought my head forward, then snapped it back with all my weight, crashing right into his skull.
He let out a painful grunt and released my wrists, rubbing his fingers over his temple where I had hit. I scrambled off his lap and spun to face him, preparing myself for retaliation. For now I was out of his grasp, but I knew I wasn’t necessarily safe yet. His eyes opened slowly and flashed dark. There was no more lust in them, only anger.
He muttered under his breath, something about me being a damn tease, and it pushed me over the edge. After all those years of friendship, one night of drunken flirting and a few kisses meant he had expected me to sleep with him? Enough to force me? And he had the nerve to be mad that I said stop?
It turned out Ricky was right about one thing—anger far surpassed anything else I felt in that moment.
Rolling thunder filled my ears, growing louder and louder until I could hear nothing over the sound of my own fury. Refusing to flinch, I met his scowl with one of my own, and slapped him open-palm, hard across the face.
“No means no, ASSHOLE!” I shouted, the sound echoing into the silent night.
His head flew to the side upon impact, and there it stayed, his expression now blank.
My shoulders rose and fell quickly, but I didn’t take my eyes off him. I would not let him catch me off guard again. I would not cower. I would not be afraid. I would not feel guilty.
And I was not helpless.
I had waited my entire life for the man who would make love to me. I deserved better than someone who didn’t care about me, didn’t listen to me, and didn’t respect me.
I deserved to be loved.
“Ugh…” Dirk shook his head as if to clear it. “Shit. Shit!”
He jumped out of the Jacuzzi and the splash made for a dramatic exit, as he stumbled into the house.
Well. There went my escape route. No way was I about to join him inside.
Awkwardly, I sat back down in the spa, trying to look everywhere but at Phoenix and Lexi in the corner. Tremors shook my body as the adrenaline seeped out. I rubbed my arms out of habit. I wasn’t cold, of course, but I couldn’t stop shaking. I took a deep breath and tried to tell myself that it was all a stupid misunderstanding. Dirk was drunk. Nothing actually happened. I was fine.
I accidentally caught Phoenix’s eye and looked away, blushing.
“Just… gimmie a minute,” he said, leaning forward and gripping Lexi’s waist. I shut my eyes but could feel the waves getting bigger, and hear her grunts coming quicker. It wasn’t the first time Lexi had sex in front of me, but I didn’t think I could ever get used to it. Geez, I was so uncomfortable. How in the world did I ever think I belonged here?
Maybe I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I knew one thing for sure—one thing I should have learned the first time around—this life wasn’t right for me. This was… empty. Lonely. Miserable. I wanted to be better than this. I wanted to be the girl Vance thought I was capable of being.
I wanted a safe pair of arms, gentle kisses and loving caresses. I wanted a man who needed to know everything about me, and challenged me to grow. I wanted a man who made me laugh and play and dance and feel.
I wanted Vance Holloway. Better yet, I loved him.
The only problem? My realization came about ten thousand mistakes too late.
Finally, the water stilled and Phoenix and Lexi grew quiet. He stepped out of the Jacuzzi and down the wooden stairs, then held his hand out to help me. I took it.
We passed through the family room wrapped in towels. Dirk sat in the recliner, staring up at the ceiling, one hand rubbing his temple. He looked up at me when we entered, and I could already see the remorse in his eyes. But neither one of us said anything. Phoenix just gripped my hand and kept walking, straight up the stairs and down the hall to Dirk’s room.
“Boy, Nate sure screwed up big time,” he muttered. I was about to correct him when he continued. “You take the bed.” He grabbed a few extra blankets from the closet and made a pallet on the floor.
“I’m not staying here,” I asserted.
“You’re not driving home. You’re staying here, and you’re staying behind a locked door. Just sleep it off,” he muttered, then crashed on the floor. He was passed out before his head even hit the pillow.
I huffed. There was no way I would be falling asleep in Dirk’s bedroom. Phoenix was right though, even if I was mostly sober by this point, I was still in no state to drive. I did, however, need to get the hell out of this house.
Coming here was such a stupid idea. I didn’t think it was possible, but I felt even lower than earlier tonight when I walked away from the man I loved.
I pulled out my cell phone then hesitated. I’d been about to dial Vance, but there was no way I could ask him to come save me now. Tonight had been a disaster. How could I say another man’s name, and then hours later, ask to be picked up from another man’s house in this condition? He deserved an explanation, but not like this.
My next go-to person was Ricky. But damn it, I didn’t want to call him either. Running from one dangerous man’s arms to another’s didn’t seem responsible. Even if he happened to be alone, sobered up, and by some miracle didn’t hate my guts right now, he’d take one look at me and beat the shit out of Dirk and Phoenix before asking any question
s.
I had no one.
Doubtful that tensions had thawed since tonight’s intervention, the calls I made were purely out of desperation.
I pressed a few buttons and held the phone to my ear, hoping that Kiki would still be awake.
It rang four times, followed by her perky voicemail greeting. No answer.
Tears pricked in my eyes as I hung up and searched in my contacts for Cole’s number. I knew he didn’t like me right now, but I was desperate, praying that someone would answer my call for help.
“Please… please…” I begged as the line rang until his voicemail picked up too. A few silent tears escaped as my hope was beginning to slip.
But I couldn’t give up. I dialed the next number, knowing she would figure out what I had done as soon as I told her where I was. I didn’t want anyone to know, but safety trumped my shame at this point.
“This had better be good,” Gwen grumbled, sleep coating her voice.
I breathed. Thank you, God.
“I need a ride,” I whispered.
“What the hell, Scarlett? It’s almost four in the morning!”
“Please… I can’t drive, I want to go home,” I all but cried to her.
“Alright, alright,” she sighed. “Where are you?”
“Not far… I’m at Dirk’s house.”
She laughed an exhausted, resigned laugh. “What did you get yourself into now?”
“He tried to… but he didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had no choice…” Still shaken, my words were heavy with emotion. My brain was going a million miles a minute. “Please Gwen. I can’t stay here.”
“Wait. What?”
“Just come get me please. Hurry.”
“On my way.”
I snapped my cell shut and stared out the window as if I expected her car to pull up within seconds. Enclosed in silence, everything started to hit me. It was just me and my thoughts, mulling over every minute of the second longest night of my life. How the hell had I screwed up so badly in one night?
My legs almost gave out when I finally saw headlights pull into the street. By this point there was more adrenaline running through my veins than blood.
I dashed out of the room, dodging Phoenix’s sleeping figure with my clothes clutched in my hand, and scampered down the hall through the family room where Dirk had been. The sounds of him and Lexi moaning on the couch made me cringe. Seriously, Lexi? DAMN. I crept past without them noticing, and grabbed my purse and car keys from the hook. Making as little noise as possible, I opened the front door and closed it behind me.
I ran at a full-on sprint down the driveway just as Hunter’s car pulled up.
Gwen climbed out of the passenger seat wearing plaid pajama pants and a hoodie. She pushed her glasses up her nose and hugged herself against the frigid air. I felt her scrutiny travel from my bare legs all the way up to my wet hair and no doubt frazzled expression.
“Explain.”
“Uh…” My eyes flickered to Hunter in the driver’s seat. I didn’t realize he would come with her. No way was I confessing the horrors of my night in front of him.
“Why did you need a ride at four in the morning? Your car’s right there.” She looked from my car parked along the curb, to me, then figured it out herself. “You’re drunk.”
I bit anxiously on my lip and nodded. The last twenty minutes had mostly sobered me up, but mentally I was in no state to drive. I was completely and utterly fried.
“And Vance?” she demanded.
I couldn’t look at her. “He ended it,” I confessed to my feet.
Gwen looked down the street again. My car was the only one on the curb. “It doesn’t look like Dirk had a party tonight. Did you come over here to hookup with him?”
I cringed. I hadn’t come here intending to hookup with him, but that’s exactly what happened. No use contesting it.
Gwen just shook her head in disappointment. It made me want to crawl into a hole.
“Glad he finally wised up then.” She held out her hand, speaking through her teeth. “Give me your keys.”
I blinked. “But… you don’t drive stick.”
“We’ll come back for your car tomorrow. Get in the backseat.”
My eyes widened in horror. “No, Gwen, not—”
“I don’t want to hear it, Scar!” She snatched the keys from my hand and climbed into Hunter’s car, ignoring the dread in my expression. It wasn’t lost on me that this was the first time she used my shortened name. “Now,” she shouted and slammed the door shut.
She was beyond pissed. There would be no changing her mind.
I stood there shivering for a few more seconds before making my way to the car. No big deal. I could do this. I held my breath, slid into the backseat and buckled my seatbelt. My house was only a couple miles away. Five minutes tops, and I’d be home.
“Can’t believe I had to drag my ass out of bed for this,” Hunter grumbled while he started up the car.
Well, I wasn’t too thrilled about his company either. So I ignored him.
The tension in the car was stifling. I wished they would talk to each other. Or turn on the radio. Something to drown out the thoughts and memories beginning to surface.
We only made it a couple blocks before I started to freak out.
It was minimal at first. My posture was stiff. My breathing became shallow and uneven.
It felt all too familiar. Sitting in the backseat. A man driving. Just like that night…
I tried to focus out the window on the street lights we passed, brightening and dimming one by one. But my eyes kept bouncing back to Hunter. I was having trouble looking at him and not seeing another man in his place.
I started to sweat, my heart picking up its rhythm. I fought to remain in control, though I could feel myself slipping. All the emotions from tonight had been working in overdrive until I was physically, mentally, and emotionally spent.
I ducked my head between my knees, hoping he wouldn’t notice my erratic behavior. I tried to calm my breathing. Tried to stop the shudders. Tried to tell myself that I was safe and that I’d be home in a matter of minutes.
He took a turn a little too quickly. Tires skidded in his impatience, and the smell of burnt rubber hit my nose.
That’s when I lost it.
This last year I’d built a wall around my heart to block out anything that threatened to break through. It protected me from fully experiencing strong emotions from past demons, as well as good things like friendship and love.
Bit by bit, that wall had been crumbling, until tonight, when it was wholly vanquished.
Whether it was the fight with Ricky, my falling out with friends, the heartbreak with Vance, the near miss with Dirk, reliving the car ride from hell, my imminent goodbye, or the accumulation of all six that finally did me in, something inside me broke.
I screamed.
And screamed.
And fought the hands trying to still me.
And screamed.
And finally, I went limp.
* * *
[Past]
When my new reality solidified, I found myself bound and held hostage in the backseat of my own car. I didn’t care about the gun. I didn’t care about my safety. I didn’t care about anything.
Nothing but my need for vengeance.
This monster had taken everything from me.
I hated him. I hated him.
Wrists still tied together, I lifted the object and slammed it into his skull. Once. Twice. And again until I felt it dig in and rip his flesh apart. Red splattered everywhere as we lost ourselves in a battle of limbs and bloodshed.
Everything became a weapon: fists, elbows, fingernails and teeth. And he had his own disadvantage of fighting me off while still trying to steer the car. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my system, I was lost in a haze of violence and barely even felt all the hits I took.
I had never, ever been an angry or aggressive person, but something inside
me just snapped. I didn’t remember the decision to fight him. It was like my mind shut down and someone else took over. My body went through the movements—slapping, scratching, pulling hair, biting, screaming at the monster in the driver’s seat. I was on a hell-bent mission to fight, to make him pay for what he had done. For the innocent life lost tonight. He was going down.
After one last blow, I reached over and grabbed the steering wheel, yanking it towards me. Hands grabbed at me. We fought for control as the car swerved dangerously across the lanes.
Horns blared and lights whizzed past us as we tore down the road in dangerous speeds, until we clipped a curb, fishtailed, and at last lost control.
Spinning.
Shouting.
Sirens.
Screeching.
Rolling.
Tumbling.
Crash.
* * *
[Present]
The next thing I knew, a girl wearing glasses and a hoodie was crouched down beside me.
I was in fetal position on the sidewalk, rocking back and forth and trying to hold myself together when every inch of me had already fallen apart.
“He’s dead,” I croaked. Tears were streaming down my face. I could barely focus on her worrisome eyes peering at me through thick black frames. She seemed confused, but she didn’t speak.
“He’s dead,” I said again. Now they both were. My own sick, twisted version of justice. Couldn’t she see the blood all over me? Did she know it was all my fault?
“What the fuck?” said a male voice behind her.
“What the fuck?” the girl with glasses repeated.
Chapter 42
Consequences
“Silhouette” by Owl city
The next morning I awoke to angry pounding on my bedroom door, which roughly translated to “it’s time to rise and shine.” The clock said 11:39. My whole body hurt like hell. I rolled onto my back and rubbed my eyes, staring up at the ceiling with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
The memory of getting home last night was a little fuzzy. I checked my phone, no missed calls, but I had called several people around 3:30 in the morning. The last one was Gwen, and I was fairly certain I remembered her picking me up.
