by Nikki Young
“Did it work?” I ask him, even though I know the answer.
“Never.”
We finish dinner without our conversations taking a turn for the depressing, even though it’s still there just below the surface. It never fades. But like the last nine years of our lives, we’re exhausted and raw with regret. It becomes too much and we both realize that we are in no shape to dissect it right now.
As I’m washing the dishes from dinner, Benji gets a fire started in the fireplace. He doesn’t ask me to stay, but there’s an unspoken invitation as if saying it out loud makes what we’re doing real.
I join him on the couch, sitting strangely far from him and he chuckles as he stretches out, laying down and resting his feet in my lap.
“I’ve spent all day working and if you’re only going to take up a corner of my couch with your tiny ass, then I’m gonna be comfortable,” he says smugly.
I give him an annoyed look as I stick my tongue out at him. I watch him fold his hands behind his head, an arrogant look on his face.
“If you can’t keep that tongue in your mouth, I can find something to keep it busy.”
I feel my face heat up almost immediately and when he sits up, leaning close to my ear, my entire body feels like it’s on fire. I can feel the warmth of his skin, his hot breath tickling the sensitive spot below my ear as he whispers, “I love that I can still make you blush. It’s so fucking hot.”
“It’s hot in here,” I respond back, shakily, and he laughs, falling back onto the pillows as he settles himself where he once was.
“You wish that was all it was,” he retorts. He’s teasing me and I love it. Everything about this is so natural and both of us are smiling now.
We spend a few minutes flipping through the channels on TV, only to find there’s nothing on, so he switches over to his DVR.
“Oh my god, why do you have an entire season of The Walking Dead on here?” I ask, shocked that anyone could let it sit unwatched. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Relax,” he says sarcastically, giving me a poke in the side with his foot. “I just haven’t had time to watch it.”
“Well, what are you waiting for? We’ve got nothing but time tonight.” I smirk at him, giving his foot a squeeze as I slide my fingers up the leg of his jeans, letting my fingertips trail along his skin. And now I watch his cheeks turn a slight shade of pink and I’m shocked that I’ve made him blush now.
We blow through the first two episodes of the season rather quickly, even though Benji would not stop asking me questions. And as we begin to start episode three, I can’t take it anymore.
“Would you shut up!” I finally yell and he laughs.
“Just tell me what’s going to happen!” he screams back.
“No!”
“You’re going to pay for this later,” he says firmly, giving me a long serious stare and it makes me swallow hard. I hope he does make me pay for it later, the same way he used to. I have a sudden image of him pinning me to the bed, the weight of his body pressed against me, my arms above my head, his hands locked around my wrists. The thought makes me squirm and right now all I can think about is Benji.
Suddenly he pauses the TV and practically jumps off the couch, a huge smile on his face.
“I forgot something,” he says and I can hear the happiness in his voice. I turn around on the couch, looking over the back and watching him as he opens the refrigerator and takes out a bag.
“What is it?” I ask, excitedly, now sitting up on my knees, practically bouncing up and down and he shakes his head.
“Be patient.”
“Stop teasing me.”
“Stop being so fucking adorable.”
That’s all it takes to silence me. My words caught in my throat, my heart racing as I suddenly can’t control myself. Since I arrived here, I’ve felt the intense connection we once had and I think he feels it too. When he warmed my hands, when he pressed his face to my neck, when he kissed me; it brought back everything I’ve missed about him, everything we once had. As much as I’ve fought it, I can’t any longer.
He finally stops in front of me, his hands behind his back; he pulls out a red velvet cupcake. He’s smiling and while I love that he remembered I love red velvet cupcakes, I don’t fucking care right now. I know what I want and I’m not thinking about anything else. He’s all I want.
“I don’t want that cupcake,” I say, my eyes locked on his and he seems put off by my words. He takes a step backward, but I step toward him, taking the cupcake from his hands and setting it on the coffee table.
“What do you want?” he asks, as if he’s unsure and his voice trembles, almost like he’s anxious about what my answer will be.
“I want you,” I say, closing the small distance between us, and when I press up on my toes, my mouth close to his ear, I whisper, “Be my distraction.”
No more words are spoken between us as he backs me up to the couch slowly, his hand sliding into my hair, his arm wrapped around my waist. I find myself lying back on the couch as Benji’s body covers mine, the weight of his body calming me, as the touch of his skin to mine, excites me.
I feel his lips against my neck and my body is covered in goose bumps; I tangle my hands in his hair, pulling him closer.
This is something I never thought I’d feel again. The intensity and intimacy of it all almost overwhelming, but somehow what I’ve needed for so long. Being here with Benji, in his arms, and even though I know all the reasons I’m here and all the painful memories are still hidden, I don’t want to feel them right now. I silently wish for this to never end and as if he hears me, he presses closer to me, until his body completely covers mine.
“Campbell,” he softly moans against my skin and I shudder, my body overly sensitive. “I’ve missed everything about you,” he says, leaving a trail of kisses along the line of my jaw. “I’ve missed the way you smell, the way you feel in my arms, the way you taste,” he whispers, as he sucks at my neck.
His lips press a series of soft kisses along my neck and cheek until he reaches my mouth, pressing a slow, gentle kiss to my lips. Everything about this moment feels so perfect, like this is the way our life should’ve been. Nothing in my life has been this right, this real since the accident.
He pulls back slightly; his fingers brushing my hair back off my face and I lift my eyes to meet his gorgeous blue ones.
“You are so beautiful,” he says and a shiver runs down my spine. My arms wrap around his waist, holding him to me as if this is all a dream, if I let go, if I’m not touching him, it will all vanish. “It’s been a long day,” he says, and I nod as his lips connect with mine once again. “We’re both exhausted, let me put you to bed.”
As much as I want him, he’s right. I just need to be near him at the moment, so without another word spoken by me, I nod my head and he says, “Stay with me, in my bed.”
Chapter Fifteen
I roll over the next morning to find Benji gone, but in his place is a note. I pick it up, a smile already on my face. I haven’t woken up like this in years, completely rested and happy. And after I read his note, my day is pretty much made.
C-
Sorry, I wanted to be there when you woke up.
But I have a ton of work to do.
There’s a surprise for you downstairs.
Love
-B
I scramble from the bed, untangling myself from the sheets, smiling the entire time. Wrapped in a blanket as I make my way down the stairs, I find another note on the kitchen counter next to the coffee pot with a cup of coffee waiting for me.
Look out the window.
PS…it snowed. A lot.
I run to the window my smile literally hurting my cheeks and find there’s at least eight inches of snow covering the ground, I can hardly see my car parked in the driveway.
The wood floor is cold on my bare feet as I take my cup of coffee and the blanket, and curl up in the oversized leather chair that looks out on
the picturesque view of Benji’s yard. I tuck my feet underneath me as a feeling of blissful contentment washes over me, and I realize I never want to go back home. What if this became my life? Maybe there’s still a chance for Benji and me to have the life we once dreamed about.
I finish my coffee and as I’m about to put my mug in the sink, I notice the eucalyptus oil still on the island, but this time there’s a note under it. I’m certain at this point nothing can remove this smile from my face.
Take a bath, relax, and when you’re
done meet me at my shop. Make sure you walk.
This is all too much and I’m now trying to figure out a way to thank Benji for everything. Not just for the notes and the food, but for making me happier than I have been in years.
I do as I’m told and take a bath, the water ridiculously hot and smelling of eucalyptus as I sit in the darkness of the bathroom trying to remember every detail from yesterday and today, committing them to memory. I don’t want to forget there was a time when I was happy, truly happy, should for some reason it all turn ugly again.
After I get dressed, I find another note taped to the front door and I almost laugh out loud at how fucking perfect he is.
Put these on and take the bag with you.
Finish my snowmen along the way.
I look down and find a pair of snow boots and a bag filled with a bunch of random stuff. Two scarves, a hat, strawberries, a small bag of birdseed, scraps of wood, some carrots and a bunch of other things I haven’t had a chance to look at. I have no idea what he’s done, but I’m dying to find out. I quickly kick off my shoes and put the boots on, taking the bag with me, I leave the house practically skipping out the door and begin my walk to Benji’s shop.
After about five minutes of walking I come across three large snowballs stacked on top of each other, the snowman about my height and I set the bag down and get to work. I step back and admire my work, laughing knowing Benji will love it.
Eventually I come across another one and while I’m having a blast, I’m hoping this is the last one because I’m freezing. I quickly add a few things to it and take the bag with me. By now, I’m only concerned with finding Benji and showing him exactly how happy he has made me.
When I finally make it to his shop, I’m cold but ecstatic, and I fling the door open and find him sitting in front of the same table he was working on yesterday. My smile is so huge I’m sure he can see it from where he’s sitting.
“Guessing you had a good morning?” he says smiling back at me.
I don’t even answer; I run to him and throw myself into his arms. I can feel myself begin to cry, but this time it has nothing to do with being sad. He lifts me off the ground, burying his face in my neck, as I hold on as tight as I can.
“I had the best morning ever,” I say, pulling back to kiss him furiously, my lips touching every part of his face. “You are so fucking perfect.”
“I just want you to be happy, baby,” he whispers, his hands holding my face as he looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes and lets out a contented sigh.
“I am now,” I say as my lips gently meet his and when I let out a soft moan, his tongue slips in and slowly moves against mine. I can taste him; feel his soft lips as they press against mine. I don’t want this to stop; my body silently begging as every nerve feels like it’s on fire. When he finally pulls away from me, his forehead resting against mine, his eyes closed, I feel like my whole body is humming.
“Campbell?”
“What?” I ask breathlessly.
“I love you,” he says, his eyes now open and looking right at me as if to make sure I’ve heard him, to make sure his words aren’t lost somehow. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”
I don’t say anything for a few seconds and it’s not because I don’t love him back. I’m hit with the memories of all the times we said these words to each other. I always felt like it was a lot, maybe too much sometimes, like we didn’t mean it, like it was just something we said. But now I feel like I can’t say it enough, like all those times before this were meaningless. This connection is far more intense than anything I’ve ever felt before, even with Benji and I can tell he feels it too.
“I love you too.” And as the words leave my mouth, Benji takes me in his arms, whispering I love you, over and over again.
I stand clinging to him for what feels like forever, memorizing the way he feels in my arms, the way he smells, and the sound of his voice. It all feels surreal, but for once I don’t dwell on what could go wrong, I just let myself fall even more in love with him.
“Do you have any plans today?” he asks and I laugh out loud.
“What do you think? I have no idea where I am, I know no one, and considering my car is pretty much buried, I don’t think I’m going to be leaving any time soon.”
“Good,” he says, smiling at me. “I have to head up to Canada to ship some things. You wanna come with me? That is, if you have your passport.”
“Funny, I actually do have my passport. I grabbed it just in case, figuring I wouldn’t need it, but I guess it’s a good thing I did.”
“Great. We have to walk back and get my truck, but then we should be all good. Now let’s go have a look at those snowmen,” he says winking at me and taking my hand.
I watch him put his coat on, the lean muscles of his arms flexing as he slips his arms in. I look around his shop knowing his body built everything in here. There’s a reason he looks the way he does; his well-worn and calloused hands, his muscular arms, defined to almost perfection; it’s all unbelievably amazing. My eyes follow him as he bends down to tie his boots and he smirks up at me.
“Stop checking me out,” he says, feigning like he doesn’t enjoy every second of it.
“I can’t help it,” I tell him teasingly, as I shrug my shoulders.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand and pulling me out the door and into the snow-filled abyss.
Trudging along, our feet crunch under the snow and gravel as we approach the first snowman. Benji stops and looks at me, his eyes wide and questioning, but a huge smile plastered on his face.
“You didn’t,” he says, and I giggle.
“I did,” I tease back playfully.
“Campbell, you naughty girl. You made dirty snowmen,” he says, pointing at the carrot, which is placed in a very obvious spot. “You never cease to surprise me,” he says, as he reaches for me and pulls me into his arms. I know he wanted it to be something fun for me to do and I, in turn, wanted to make it something fun for him to look at.
“The other one has snow boobs,” I whisper, my cheeks turning pink as he laughs at me.
“Come on, crazy girl,” he says shaking his head, and I follow him, my hand linked with his, my other arm wrapped around his bicep. No matter how close I am to him, I still can’t get close enough. All this time apart has made me desperate to be near him and the more time I spend with him, the more the loneliness fades, and I start to forget how miserable I used to be.
About a half an hour later, we’re in Benji’s truck on our way to Canada. Because of where he lives, he has to cross over into Canada to ship any orders that are placed online. Although, Hessel has a post office, it can’t accommodate the size or the quantity he ships. All of this is explained to me in the short amount of time we’ve been in the car.
I admire his drive to continue to help his business grow. Most people would’ve quit given the effort that goes into it all. Not just the shipping, but also the amount of time and effort that goes into creating his work. I’ve only been with him for two nights, but he obviously wakes very early and I can’t help but think he probably finds himself working well into the evening. And unlike me, he spends the time because he loves what he does, and that shows in everything he makes.
We drive along quietly, only the sound of the radio to fill the silence and when I hear Benji’s voice begin to sing along softly, I close my eyes. His voice is exactly how I remember it, deep and raw, it’s always been
beautiful.
He reaches over and takes my hand in his, bringing it to his lips and kissing each one of my fingertips.
He looks over at me and when our eyes connect, I see sadness in his and I’m about to ask what’s wrong, but he speaks before I can. “I’m sorry, Campbell,” he says, and a moment of panic rips through me.
What is he apologizing for? It should be me apologizing to him. Did he ask me to come with him so we can finally talk about the accident? He has me trapped in the car so I can’t get away from him this time. I don’t want to do this, especially after how well everything has been going. We can just keep acting like we’re okay. We can be fine.
His hand tightens in mine and my heart begins to race. I watch as he wets his lips and looks away from me. I want to say something, but nothing will come out. I’m silent.
“I’m sorry for the way I treated you after the accident,” he says quietly, and I breathe out in relief. “I know we have a lot more to discuss, but you need to know, I never meant to hurt you and I know I did.”
I shake my head, not because he didn’t hurt me, but because an apology isn’t necessary. We both did things we regret, actually all four of us did and it made us so resentful and broken and filled with guilt that we couldn’t deal with it.
“I’m sorry, too,” I tell him, and he brings my hand to his lips once again, kissing it, but this time letting his lips linger. “I shouldn’t have run away the way I did.”
“It was your coping mechanism and I don’t blame you. We all do things to cope and I drove you away because I couldn’t…” He stops short and grips the steering wheel tighter as I see his hand shake. I can feel his other hand trembling in mine. And inside, I feel my heart breaking, tiny pieces shattering for all the pain we’ve endured alone.
