by Nikki Young
I don’t want to cry anymore, but the tears escape slowly and Benji’s fingers wipe them away as my hand rests on his chest. I can feel the steady beat of his heart calming me and I close my eyes, stepping closer to him until I’m wrapped in his arms.
I lean back, lifting my head and he lowers his to meet my mouth. We kiss, slowly, passionately and behind it are all the feelings we tried to forget, feelings we both buried deep inside because the loss hurt more than anything.
But here in the darkness of his bedroom, the room quiet, our bodies on fire, our labored breathing coming hard and fast, I want him. I want to feel everything; everything I’ve shut out for so long. I want the rush of emotions that comes with being this close to him again. I want it all.
I step away from him and run my hands down his chest, my fingers undoing the buckle on his belt, but he doesn’t move. His eyes are closed and every time my fingers graze his skin, his breathing grows ragged and a soft moan escapes his lips. I undo the button on his jeans as my lips kiss a line of soft kisses across his chest.
Moving away from him just slightly, I lift my sweater over my head and unbutton my jeans, kicking them off with my boots and tossing my sweater to the side, his eyes locking with mine as I do.
Once again I’m pressed against him, this time my bare skin against his and the feeling causes my body to ignite, warm and aching. I’d forgotten what it feels like to want someone like this, to be completely connected to someone and to feel it everywhere. My body is on fire, his touch is the only thing I can feel, hot and burning as his hands explore every inch of me.
I’m shivering under his touch, my body trembling as he touches me, his fingers trailing along my overly sensitive skin. Each touch is like sparks of electricity and my heart races. I need to be as close to him as possible.
“Please,” I beg, and his mouth, soft and pleading, runs along my jaw and down my neck, stopping to kiss and bite gently until I’m needy and desperate.
I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t care. I want to get lost in him, I want to lose myself and remember what it’s like to have him love me, to feel him inside me.
My hands on his chest, his heartbeat matching mine, fast and rhythmic; the anticipation intense and when his mouth meets mine again, I grow weak. I feel myself push his jeans to the floor and he slips off his boots, kicking his jeans off with them as he backs me up against the bed. My legs brush the duvet and I lay back on the bed.
I grow lightheaded as I watch his eyes rake over my body and when he lies down, the weight of his body on me, I gasp out loud. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and his pupils dilate, showing me exactly how he’s feeling.
He begins kissing me again, his lips soft and slow. Taking his time, he kisses my face and my neck, my shoulders and my lips as his fingers run down my arms. Each touch brings a shiver to my skin, but I need more. I need him.
Benji kisses a line up my neck until he reaches my ear. I can hear his breath coming fast and ragged as he whispers, “You’ve always been my light, Campbell.”
“Don’t stop, please,” I beg, and I feel like I’m melting. His words, his touch, the way he kisses me; it’s all more than I ever thought I would feel again. It’s perfect.
My fingers trail up his arms, caressing the tight muscles in his biceps, and when I reach his neck, I cradle his face in my hands. Bringing his mouth to mine, I exhale slowly as I whisper, “I love you.”
Running up the sides of my body, his hands slip around and undo my bra, but he’s slow and deliberate, taking his time as he slides the straps down my arms. Each brush of his fingers causes my body to respond. My pulse rapid, my breathing labored, as my body tingles. And when his lips press against mine, his tongue urging my lips apart, I open to him and feel the warmth of his mouth meet mine.
I’m ready for him.
And then it’s just us as I feel him push inside me.
The soft moan that leaves his lips is nearly my undoing.
I love him and this is perfect, despite all the awfulness that still surrounds us.
Afterward, my head is cradled in the crook of Benji’s arm; his fingers are tracing a light pattern of circles on my back as the silence of the room consumes us. It’s only us, no words being spoken, just a remembrance of what we once were and what we can become again.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice quiet and weak. He has no idea what he’s done for me, and my words don’t even begin to express how I feel. They will never be enough.
“For what?” Benji asks, his hand now stroking my hair softly.
“For reminding me what it feels like to live again.”
“Campbell,” he says, my name rough on his lips as if it hurts to say it. “I never want you to feel like that again. When I saw you, all I saw was the pain you felt and it broke my heart.”
I owe him so much more than just a thank you, but I don’t even know where to begin. I know he’s hurting too and I want to make everything go away. I want us to be normal.
“Are you okay?” I ask him, the question vague, but he knows what I mean. There’s no need to elaborate. And even as I ask the question, I wonder if we’ll ever be okay. Will we ever know normal again?
“I am now,” he says, stopping to kiss my forehead. “But I haven’t been for a really long time.”
I press against him even more, my skin against his, the warmth of his body, calm and soothing. How long can we last like this? My life in Chicago still exists even if I want to act like it doesn’t. We haven’t discussed anything and I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I have to leave.
“What happens now?” I ask, although the apprehension I feel is stifling. I don’t want to ruin the moment and I’m suddenly pissed at myself for even asking.
Benji pulls away from me, looking down at me, his beautiful blue eyes soft and his lids heavy. He looks peaceful, sated, and I want him to stay this way forever.
“Anything you want,” he says, kissing me gently. With his lips still touching mine, he murmurs, “Stay forever, marry me, just don’t ever leave.”
I giggle, but I know there is no practicality to his words. Can I really stay? Give up my job and everything I’ve known? And before I can think about it anymore, I know the answer. It’s yes. Nothing makes me happier than being here with him. My life up until this point has been nothing but emptiness and disappointment, sadness and grief. It ends now.
“Yes,” I whisper, pressing a few soft kisses to his lips and then his neck and his chest.
“Yes, what?” he asks, and I know he’s smiling. He wants me to say it out loud, to tell him everything I want and everything I feel. And for once in my life, I want to feel all the happiness and nervousness and fear that comes with it.
“I’ll stay forever,” I say as I kiss him. “I’ll marry you.” I kiss him again. “I’ll never leave,” I whisper against his lips, and he pulls my mouth to his, his hands holding my face as he kisses me fiercely.
And all I can think is, Please don’t ever let me go.
I never expected us to fall back into being this intimate and this comfortable with each other so quickly. Honestly, I had no idea what would happen when I first showed up here. It definitely wasn’t this, yet surprisingly, it feels so right.
“Nothing would make me happier,” he says, and it’s all I need. We deserve to be happy and maybe this is our chance.
I wake the next morning, the sun streaming through the open blinds and with Benji asleep beside me. I smile when I see his face.
He stayed.
I cuddle into him, wrapping my arm around his waist and my legs tangling with his. I love the way he feels in my arms, the way his body is warm and smells like cedar, something that will always remind me of him. I love it.
I love him.
“Mmmm,” he mumbles, his voice hoarse with sleep as he nuzzles my hair, his arms encircling me and pulling me even closer. “I love waking up with you in my bed.”
Everything about this feels new, yet somehow exactly
the same as it once was. We’re different people now and I wonder if without the accident we would’ve ended up here. Would we have been this happy?
I’m kissing his chest as he slowly wakes up and begins to run his fingers up and down my spine. I shudder at his touch, everything about it is perfect and I’m incredibly turned-on.
I find myself straddling his hips and bringing my mouth down to meet his. I can’t get enough of him and as his hands explore every inch of my body, I know he feels the same way.
“What do you want to do today?” I ask, pulling back from his mouth, still breathless from his kiss.
“You,” he says, pinching my side and I laugh, burying my face in his neck, his beard scratching the side of my face.
“Don’t you have to go to work?”
“Nope. I just want to stay here with you and do exactly what we did last night, all day today.”
I don’t answer him. I can’t because my mouth is busy trailing kisses all over his beautiful body, my actions the only answer he needs.
Chapter Eighteen
Benji keeps his word and we spend the entire day in bed together. It doesn’t stop either of us from enjoying each other over and over again. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve had him, I can’t get enough. Nine years is a long time to be without the person you love, and we have a lot of time to make up for.
“Can we really do this?” I ask, and Benji rolls onto his side and props himself on his elbow.
“Do what?”
“This,” I answer, motioning between the two of us with my hand.
“Um, I think we just did...many times,” he says, a cheekiness to his tone.
“Be serious,” I say, swatting him on the chest with my hand. “Can we really make this work?”
“Yes,” he responds definitively, like there’s no reason to question it.
“Benji, I have a job and a home in Chicago...”
He cuts me off. “You can have a job here if that’s what you want. If not, I’ll take care of you. You have a home here, I’m here, our life together is here. It’s quiet and peaceful. It can be just us, Campbell.”
I nod my head, each one of his reasons pushing me closer. The biggest reason being him. It’s what I’ve always wanted and right now, it’s exactly what I need.
“Stop overthinking it,” he says, kissing my fingers as they lace with his. “I know this seems fast, but we’ve been together since we were five. I loved you then and I still love you now.”
Why is there a part of me that’s holding back? He’s right about everything and although I’ve learned to take care of myself, to rely on no one, I can’t help but relish the idea of Benji taking care of me, to once again belong to him.
“Okay, let’s do this,” I say smiling, but a part of me still knows we’ve solved nothing that drove us apart the last time. The accident will always be a broken bone hidden under the skin. You can’t see it, but the pain is there, and despite the fact that it might have healed, it never healed correctly. It will always be flawed.
“Nothing has to change right away,” Benji says. “I know you have things you need to take care of and I’ll be there to help you.”
We’re still avoiding it all, the reason I came here in the first place and as much as I know we need to discuss it, I can’t bring myself to start the conversation. We can just go on as if it didn’t happen. We’ve survived this long without any discussion of it, among each other and with people we’ve met. But, in the end, we haven’t really survived it, we’ve both just floated through life, ignoring and denying, only to find out we’ve lost another friend because of it. It’s a secret I’m now keeping from him.
“Benji,” I say, my voice soft and a knot forms in my stomach. I need to tell him even though I know it’s going to hurt and there’s potential that it will push us apart. I begin to relive it all; Tommy’s letter, the funeral and his burial, the pain I felt through it all and how I went it alone when I didn’t have to. I don’t want Benji to deal with this alone; it’s what made all of this so difficult in the past. We need each other to cope, being the only two who understand what we’ve been through.
“What, baby?” he murmurs, his deliciously warm body wrapped around mine. His hands are roaming over my skin, first my arms, my stomach, my breasts; his fingers softly brushing against my skin distracting me and making me crave him.
“I have something to tell you,” I whisper, my voice breathy.
“Shhh,” he says, silencing me with a kiss. “We have nothing but time, baby and right now, I want to take a shower with you.”
Despite the protests my head is screaming at me, I give in to what he wants. Maybe part of me is still avoiding it all, but right now, I just want the happiness I feel radiating from Benji to last as long as it can.
Before I can answer him, he’s tugging me from the bed and into the bathroom. He starts the water and the bathroom begins to fill with steam. It’s warm and calming and everything about him is a turn-on as I watch him step into the shower, his body disappearing into the fog.
I step in behind him watching the water cover his beautiful body, and even though we’ve spent the whole day together, I can’t stop touching him. I run my hands up the muscles of his sculpted back, kissing him and letting my hands run down the side of his body.
He turns in my arms and I feel the cool tile against my back. He backs us up further until his body is flush with mine, the warmth of his skin coupled with the cold tile is driving me crazy as his hands reach down and grab my ass. When he lifts me up, I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him as close as I can get.
Our mouths meet in a desperate, urgent kiss—hard and breathless. I can’t breathe, but I don’t care. My body is screaming for him to never stop.
I feel him enter me and I hear the groan that leaves his mouth as he does, and it makes me want more. We’re as close together as we can possibly be, but I always want more. I want to be connected to him in every way possible as I take in everything; absorbed in him and everything he does to my body. I’m on fire and it makes me want to call out his name, and beg him to never stop.
“Campbell,” Benji moans, his mouth kissing and sucking on my neck. “You make me fucking insane,” he says, but this time his words come out in a growl, desperate and pleading.
Neither of us speaks after that; we can’t. Our bodies are consumed by each other and our breathing hard and labored. It’s intense and all overwhelming.
As we’re drying off, Benji comes up behind me, gathers my wet hair in his hands, and pushes it to the side, exposing my neck. I close my eyes when I feel his lips meet my skin.
“You’re insatiable,” I murmur, reaching behind me, my hand cupping his face. “But I love it.”
“I love you,” he says, his hands now pulling at my towel until it falls to the floor, his hands caressing my body. “God, I want you, but I’m fucking starving,” he groans, and it makes me laugh.
“Then let’s eat, I don’t want you to starve.”
We decide to have dinner at the bar in town, since Alex and Annie are both working tonight. Benji told me they have an amazing menu and that Annie does all the cooking, but she’s rarely there during the off-season, spending only two or three days there when the weather gets cold.
We take a seat at the bar and Alex greets us with a smile. He continues serving the two older gentlemen at the other end. Otherwise, the place is pretty deserted.
“It’s always like this,” Benji says, shrugging his shoulders like I should be getting accustomed to the quiet of this small town.
A few minutes later, Annie comes out from the back and practically squeals when she sees us. “Yay!” she yells, and Benji smiles at her. “I’m so glad you came in. I didn’t think we’d see you tonight.”
“We just saw you yesterday,” Benji teases, rolling his eyes at her and she reaches across the bar and swats him on the shoulder.
“Stop being a shit,” she says. “We usually see you every day and since Campbell
came back, you’ve disappeared.” She doesn’t mean this maliciously or even jealously; it was clear when I met them that Benji spends a lot of time with them.
She hands us both a small menu and gives me a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, there isn’t much on the menu this time of year.”
I give it a quick look and my eyes catch Alex’s as I look up. He winks at me and I add, “Better than lukewarm potato skins and chips and salsa.”
“Hey,” he says acting insulted. “I helped you out when I could’ve just told you to piss off.”
“You did, Alex,” I answer back, lacing my words with sweetness. “And for that I’m grateful.”
He gives me a quick nod and it makes me giggle. This whole situation is completely foreign to me. I have no friends back home, my only social interaction being at work and even there I keep everyone at arms length. Before I left I had Carson, but even that was forced and in the end turned out to be a complete lie. I know I can’t recreate what I once had with Tommy, Sam, and Kelly; but Benji and I can start over, create something new.
We place our orders and Annie disappears into the kitchen leaving us alone with Alex. We chat for a few minutes before the bar begins to fill up with customers, busier than I’ve seen it since I first set foot in here a few days ago. But given this is the only place in town that seems to be open on a regular basis, I’m not really surprised.
We sit quietly for a little bit before I turn to Benji and say, “You spend a lot of time with Annie and Alex.”
He nods and says, “Yeah, they’re my family.” He looks away from me quickly, like he feels badly about not seeing his own family or guilty that I was separated from that whole plan. He’s made no mention of his parents since I’ve been here and I can only assume he’s lost touch with them.
“It’s okay, Benji,” I say, taking his hand. “I get it. Sometimes it’s easier to start over.”
“You still see your parents?” he asks.
“Not really. They moved down to Florida and rarely come home. But you know how my mom always was.” I run my hand through my hair and shake my head.
