by Nikki Young
I melt against him, his body cradling mine like we were meant to be together, like two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together perfectly.
“I’ll get the door,” Benji says as I slip out of his arms. Grabbing my wrist, he pulls me back, kissing me hastily and then adds, “Go make some coffee. Something tells me we’re going to need it.”
He slaps my butt as I’m walking away and I giggle. It feels good to have him here, to interact so normally, nothing about it is forced and I love it. I love that he’s trying to make this situation less anxious for both of us.
A few minutes later Jack walks in with a troubled look on his face. I can’t even begin to imagine the horrible scenarios he has playing out in his head as to why I wanted to meet with him.
As much as I’ve tried to hide my problems from him and from everyone around me, I realize now that I failed miserably.
I’m curled up on the couch with my coffee mug in my hands, the warmth of the mug soothing. I set it down on the coffee table and stand to greet Jack. I wouldn’t dare hug him, even that would be too much of an abrupt change from our normal. We’ve never been that type of brother and sister, even when I wasn’t falling apart.
“Hey,” I say, giving him a little smile, but it does nothing to calm his fears of why he’s here in the first place.
He looks at me and then at Benji before returning his gaze to me. His head is tipped to the side slightly when he says, “You look different.”
“Really?” I ask not, realizing how much different I actually feel too. With each step forward Benji and I take, it’s like I get lighter, like I’ve been carrying around a pocket full of rocks and with each admission, with each realization, I lose one.
“Yeah and don’t tell me this was about Benji the whole time. Like pining after him, lost love, and all that shit.” He rolls his eyes and it makes me laugh. It wasn’t just about Benji, although I was pretty wretched without him.
“Not exactly,” I say, giving him a bit of a glare.
“Awww, see that, baby? I thought it was always about me,” Benji says, sitting down on the couch, tugging my hand and taking me with him. Jack follows along, sitting in the chair across from us, still eyeing us with suspicion.
“I know you did,” I shoot back, teasing him. “It was always about you, baby.” I pat Benji’s cheek and he smiles at me.
“Geez, it didn’t take you two very long to get back to all that annoying baby shit I remember so well from when we were in high school,” Jack quips, the humor in his voice breaking through as the naturalness of our conversation takes over.
The tension in the room begins to dissipate, but I know the real reason we’re all here, and it’s not going to go away with a few simple jokes.
I offer Jack a cup of coffee and when I leave the room to get it, Benji and Jack begin talking. I can overhear everything and I’m grateful to Benji for starting a conversation that may have taken me the whole night to start.
I want to tell Jack everything, but there’s also the fear and the worry that telling him brings. I’m worried about what he might think of what we did, the judgment and the fear of losing him. Even though we’ve never been close, I still don’t want him to not be a part of my life.
I know that with sharing what Benji and I did there’s always a chance he won’t be able to look past it, that he won’t be able to see we made a mistake and that for the last nine years it’s nearly killed us. He doesn’t have to be sympathetic toward us. But I hope he is. I hope he understands we never meant for any of this to happen. And even more, we never meant for it to damage so many lives.
I hear Benji thank Jack for coming and explain that what we have to tell him involves both of us. He asks Jack to listen to what we have to say first before he responds, and then in a voice that is quieter than normal, he asks Jack not to judge me.
My heart clenches at his concern for me and I spend an extra minute in the kitchen trying to control my emotions. I can’t start crying before we’ve even had a chance to explain to Jack what’s going on.
When I walk back out, Benji and Jack have fallen silent and Jack looks up at me when I hand him his coffee.
He looks at Benji and shakes his head. “What the hell did you two do? Have an abortion? Some illegitimate kid running around?” he asks, and I know all of these things would be huge secrets in most cases, but they’re not even close. I almost respond with, “I wish,” because either one of those scenarios sound better than what we’re about to tell him.
I take a deep breath and sit down beside Benji. I feel his hand slide across my thigh, coming to rest above my knee and it makes me think of Tommy. Of that day in the car, of the kiss he placed on my head and his quiet, melodic voice. Benji and I owe him so much and hopefully in death he finds the peace he needs. And I hope that with each sharing of our story, Benji and I find the support and comfort we need.
“Nine years ago, Benji and I were in a car accident,” I start, and immediately Jack’s demeanor changes. He sits up straighter, he sets his coffee mug down and I see in his eyes he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“The one that killed Sam,” Benji adds, but I’m certain we didn’t need to say it.
“We were all there. Tommy, Kelly, Benji, Sam, and me.” I suddenly look away from Jack, his eyes focused on mine and I can’t help but feel exposed.
My hands fidget in my lap and Benji covers them with his as Jack sits across from us saying nothing. Benji did ask him to reserve his judgment until we’re done so I know I need to continue.
“We left the scene after the accident out of fear. We were all drunk and high, our thoughts were not what they should’ve been and for the last nine years, we’ve kept the whole thing a secret.” It all comes out in a rush and while I’ve given him the gist of it, any emotion that should be attached to it is gone.
Over the last nine years I’ve found myself emotionally detached from everything, including Jack. It’s hard for me to expose myself to him without keeping up this wall I’ve had in place for too long. I worry he’ll see me as weak.
“Campbell,” Benji says, and I turn to look at him. His eyes are full of pity; sad and confused. This isn’t the girl he knows sitting here with him right now. This is the person I became when I learned to shut down after the accident. “Don’t do this,” he whispers, taking my hand in his and kissing it.
“I’m sorry,” I respond taking in his face, and I know I’m going to cry, but I need to be okay with it.
“We’re both struggling,” Benji adds, looking over at Jack and he nods his head. I can’t read his expression and it makes me even more anxious. Jack has always been stoic, so it shouldn’t surprise me that this is how he’s responding. His business thrives based on his ability to detach himself from the emotional end of it. And given this is how I’ve treated him for so long, I probably deserve the same in return.
It’s a lot to unload on one person, but unfortunately there’s more. With Benji sitting next to me, my hand in his, he gives it a little squeeze as if he’s encouraging me to continue.
“So, in addition to Sam dying in the accident, a family was killed too.” Again my words come out formal and it causes me to swallow hard. I need to let my guard down and be honest with him. “It was horrible,” I finally say. “It took a toll on all of us and it led to Kelly killing herself and Tommy dong the same thing.”
I wish I could explain to him all the feelings and emotions I carried with me throughout all of this, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put it into words.
“It all became a part of me,” I admit to Jack. “It became who I was and who I am.”
After everything, I found the grief and loss hard, but what is harder is the guilt. I may have lost far too many people I loved, but the guilt took more of me away. Guilt never leaves. With grief and death, you try to carry on, but you still feel it even after it’s gone. Like the sharp sting of a paper cut, it’s quick and fleeting. But guilt lives on in your conscience, it lives in your heart, reminding you of
what you’ve done. And even after you’ve forgiven yourself, you can’t forget it.
We eventually tell Jack everything, including the details of Tommy’s letters and what we spent yesterday doing. And while we both agreed there would be no more secrets or lies, we keep one thing to ourselves.
Neither of us mentions the boy that Tommy and Benji watched die in the car after the accident. It’s not mine to tell and I understand why Benji keeps it to himself. There comes a time in the telling of all of this that some things can remain unspoken. That the specific details only add to the tragedy rather than end it. This is one of those.
I feel like I’ve been waiting hours for Jack to say something. We’ve finished telling him and I can tell he’s trying to process it. It’s a lot to take in. But my need to gauge a response from him is weighing on me.
“Well, this explains a lot,” he eventually says, and again I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I want to beg him to say something more, but I keep my mouth shut. He runs his hand through his hair, but sits quietly.
My patience is wearing thin and my anxiety is eating at me as I pick my nails, but Benji, again takes my hand and manages to calm me with just his touch.
When Jack starts to speak again, I feel my breathing speed up. It’s like I have been holding my breath for the last ten minutes and now my body is trying to catch up.
“I wish you would’ve told me a long time ago, Campbell,” he says. “I’m sorry that you dealt with this alone for all these years.”
A deep exhale of air leaves my body and my eyes close. He doesn’t hate me. He doesn’t think I’m a horrible person. Yet what he says next shocks me. I never expected him to have this reaction.
“I should’ve tried harder to help you,” he says quickly, shaking his head as if he’s blaming himself. “Campbell, I let you suffer. I looked the other way even though I knew there was something wrong. What kind of person does that? I’m your brother for fuck’s sake and I acted like I didn’t care.”
“Jack, no,” I say immediately, standing and walking over to where he’s sitting. “This isn’t on you. This was me. I pushed you away. I wouldn’t have let you help me.”
“But I should’ve tried.”
I can almost feel the guilt he feels. I know it well and I don’t want him to think this is somehow his fault.
“That’s why we decided to tell you everything. We all have a lot to work through. Not just Benji and me, but you and me too. I want to make things right between us.”
“I’m here for you, Campbell,” Jack says, and when he stands up, I hug him. All his forgiveness and understanding means more to me than I can ever express.
“Thank you.”
It’s been a long day and after spending another hour talking with Jack, Benji and him catching up and the three of us returning to a normal conversation, we wish Jack good night. As he leaves, I finally start to feel like my life might one day return to normal. That Benji and I will be happy; that we’ll be able to move on.
“You ready for bed?” Benji asks, as I lean against the back of the chair, my body tired.
I nod, my eyes closing with exhaustion and that’s when I feel his arms slip around my waist.
“Come on,” he says with his mouth against my neck, his words sending shivers up my spine. The sound of his voice is like the warmth of a sunny day, comforting and peaceful as his breath tickles my skin. “Let me put you to bed, my beautiful girl.”
I can never say no to him and in this case, why would I.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I love waking up to Benji. His deliciously warm body is wrapped around mine, and I fit perfectly against his chest. I don’t want him to leave, but I know it’s inevitable. After we’ve sorted everything out, we both have to return to our normal lives, at least for the time being.
We haven’t had a free moment to talk about what happens after everything. I told him I didn’t want to be without him and I know he feels the same, but nothing has been discussed. Prior to him finding Tommy’s letter, I was moving there; I was going to live with him and we were going to be happy. I don’t doubt that we can have what we want; I just wonder if we’re being realistic. How soon can we conceivably put this plan in motion?
I have my job here and while I’m perfectly okay with leaving it, I can’t just leave Jack without anyone to take my place. Especially after everything he’s done for me. He gave me a job without thinking twice, and while I excelled at it, I would never have had the financial stability I have now if it weren’t for Jack. And I realize now that as much as I despise what I do for a living, I love working for Jack. It has been the only stable thing in my life. I actually feel like it’s possibly the one thing that saved me all these years.
I snuggle closer to Benji, my nose pressed into the crook of his neck as he sleeps soundlessly next to me. I lie here listening to the sound of his soft, relaxed breaths, his heart beating slowly and calmly under my hand, and I know I have to make this work. I have to figure out how to spend the least amount of time without him. I can’t wake up without him next to me every day.
As I wiggle myself closer to him until I’m practically on top of him, he stirs in my arms. If I was trying not to wake him up, I failed. I can’t stop touching him.
“Good morning,” he murmurs, his hand brushing the underside of my breast softly with the tips of his fingers. “I love this,” he adds as he buries his nose in my hair. “You naked and warm in bed with me.”
His voice changes and I feel his erection press into my hip. I close my eyes as he rolls his body over onto mine, covering me and placing a series of soft kisses down my neck. He’s tender as he makes his way down my body, kissing my neck, my chest, and then gently taking my nipple in his mouth. I whimper at the sensation and murmur his name as I feel him slide inside me.
His touch, the way he feels inside me, all of it is intense; it always has been, a rawness and a need to be together that has only increased with our time apart.
“Campbell,” he whispers, and I moan at the sound of my name on his lips. I feel his hands run the length of my body, sending a shiver through me and goose bumps prick my skin. He’s warm, but I shudder beneath him. The weight of his body now resting against mine calms the overstimulation I’m feeling.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders as he begins to move, slowly at first, savoring every second.
“God, Benji,” I moan as I cling to his shoulders, my fingernails now digging in. He responds to me, moving faster and pulling back so I can see where our bodies are connected. “Please,” I beg him, and he reaches between us, his fingers finding me, touching me.
I’m ready and I call out his name again. A loud groan falls from my lips as I come apart under him, my body shaking as I feel him push his hips against mine as he comes undone too. Our bodies sweaty and our breathing heavy as Benji’s head falls against my shoulder and I feel his warm breath caress my sensitive skin.
It’s perfect.
He’s perfect.
“I want to wake up to you like this every single day,” Benji says, quiet and sated as we’re lying together. I can’t believe how much we’ve changed, how much all of this has changed our lives. Not just the accident, but more than that, how finding each other again has made us both happier than I could’ve ever imagined. I never thought I deserved this and maybe I still don’t.
“I was just thinking about that,” I say, but I stop, wondering just how we can possibly make this work. Benji seems so certain and I hate that I doubt it at all. “Benji,” I start, but he stops me.
“Campbell, stop. You’re stressing over this and I get it. But we deserve to be happy. We’ve spent too much time apart to question any of it.” He lets out a sigh. “I need you, Campbell.”
“And I need you too,” I answer back and I do, but I can’t stop the feeling of uncertainty that continually returns. “But I have a house to sell, a job to leave and what if…” I can’t finish my last thought because it’s honestly what I’m the most wor
ried about. The one thing that keeps me from just saying fuck it all and moving in with Benji.
“What is it, baby?” he says, running his fingers up and down my back. “Just tell me. No secrets.”
I take a deep breath and spit it out because I know if I don’t, it’ll eat at me, make me worry and stress. “What if it doesn’t work? What if you don’t want me there?”
Benji laughs out loud and I slap him on the chest. Pushing him away, he laughs again and pulls me back. “Don’t make fun of me,” I say, feigning insult at his reaction. “I’m serious.”
He takes my face in his hands, so I’m looking at him, so I can see all the want and need in his eyes. So I can see that he wants this as much as I do and that there isn’t a doubt in his mind that we can make this work.
“Campbell, I’ll always want you. I’ve spent the last nine years of my life missing you and that’s not going to change. We were meant to be together and if all of this isn’t enough of a sign, then every day I’ll show you how much I need you, how much I want you and how this is the way our life is supposed to be.”
I melt against him, my head on his chest, knowing I feel everything he feels and that his words can instantly right everything that is fucking with my head.
“Okay,” I murmur as I kiss his chest. “I want this. I want everything with you, Benji.”
We spend the next hour getting ready and when I emerge from the bathroom, Benji has a cup of coffee waiting for me. He’s sitting on the couch, his leg crossed and his ankle resting on the knee of his well-worn jeans, still all scruffy and unshaven, but somehow so gorgeous. His dark hair coupled with his blue eyes makes my heart skip a beat with just a quick glance and I smile at him.
“Thank you,” I say, picking up the mug and sitting down next to him.
“So what’s the plan for today?” he asks, since last night we both just fell into bed not even taking a moment to discuss what we planned for today. We talked about it briefly since plotting how we were going handle everything, but we never went into detail.
